AIBU to be suspicious?

[AIBU2bjealous]

Posted yesterday about DH and a female friend. Maybe she made a pass, maybe not. I don’t really have any reason not to trust DH, but she seems a bit keen on him and it makes me uncomfortable. After not seeing each other for a while, DH told me they’d made plans for this week. I asked what they would be doing today and he told me: she’d invited him over to her house as her DH is away. He’s to come over after dinner when her DC are sleeping.

is my DH completely oblivious? Is this a bit odd? I have male friends who are platonic but I wouldn’t invite them to mine in this circumstance without their partner or children! AIBU to find this odd?

Personally I’ve no issue with this, I don’t differentiate between male and female friends. I trust my husband and know full well if he or any other man is going to cheat, than trying to ban him from going out or seeing women or having stringent rules isn’t going to stop him. Likely the opposite,

I do find it sad so many women think their husbands will cheat on them given the opportunity so would object to this scenario, like if it would stop cheating or something ridiculous, and quite frankly who the hell cheats with their kids in the house.

you do need to address your jealousy issues, is it just this woman or do you get jealous of other women routinely?jealosy often indicates something you’re unhappy with in your own life.

thats a horrible way to run a relationship and I can’t see any relationship being happy when it’s run like this. I’d hate it if my husband said I’m unhappy about you seeing your mate and I was supposed to respect that and stay home.

fuck that

is this some sort of religious thing, where you can’t be alone with married male friends without the wife present?

Whether he's cheating or not he's being unfair and you could find better.

i'd phone her and ask why have i not been invited just to put her on the spot but i'm not a cool wife so i'll probably get flamed for that
and as for your husband he knows she fancies him and he 's enjoying the attention

@AIBU2bjealous, I agree with @Onthefinalstretch. Your very valid concerns need to be addressed with your H, but don’t sabotage yourself by using the term jealousy.

Something clearly happened when they last met up 1:1. The behaviour of both has changed. He returned home that night saying he was going to stop drinking. Several months passed without their seeing each other, which was unusual, and when you asked how she was doing he was evasive. When you finally did meet up as families, she was overtly mooning and fawning over him, which she had never done before. Now they are planning to have alone time at her home.

You previously stated that you don’t want to know if anything occurred that night. @AIBU2bjealous, you would be very foolish to ostrich this. There is evidence that your marriage is under threat, so you do need to address your (reasonable) unsettled feelings regarding the changes: his remarks after the pub, the months long distance between them and his brushing you off when you inquired, and her new blatantly effusive and fawning behaviour.

After expressing my discomfort, I would request that he cancel the cozy evening meet-up at her home and to distance from her in the future.

It wasn't, I just read it

It's called hiding in plain sight.
Don't let it happen, if it happens, monitor his behaviour after.
This is not good- why are you not invited?

He's probably being open about it because he knows she will make a move and wants to absolve himself by thinking 'I was being honest and open, not my fault.' If he were really being honest that is obviously entirely inappropriate.

@AIBU2bjealous, I agree that his ‘if something were to happen it would have happened by now’ was ambiguous and not at all reassuring. It sounds like an acknowledgement that an attraction/emotional connection exists but was never acted upon.

Cut to the present: There’s been a transgression. Something illicit was said or actually happened on their night out. He likely told himself it was the alcohol, hence his comment about quitting, but of course that is no excuse. To your knowledge, they took a long break from meeting up, and he wasn’t mentioning her either. You probably don’t know if they were messaging. Then, for the first time ever, she started gazing at him ‘longingly’ and was fawning at a gathering with the families. Something precipitated that. He would have noticed her mooning, so his being open to her invitation for evening private time speaks volumes.

Your H is playing with fire, @AIBU2bjealous. Everything taken together indicates that a boundary has been crossed. A spark has clearly been ignited or reignited in her, and it may be reciprocated. You deserve answers, so I would investigate their messages on his phone, and would then question him about all of the above.

My H would absolutely not be going to her house or anywhere else alone with her. If your H refuses to come clean, and dismisses your feelings and boundary, you will know with crystal clarity that she is his priority.

P.S. Since both of your threads about this are active, you may want to delete one of them so we can all focus on one.

Sorry to hear this I don't agree I would be pulling my hair out lol that DH is actually agreeing to go lol xx

Please can someone tell me what AIBU means tho thanks always wondered lol

AIBU - Am I Being Unreasonable.

You're welcome 😊

@OverthinkingRogue Thankyouuuuu😘😘

No need to thank me, im sure you would have worked it out yourself, eventually, maybe?! 😁

This^ 100%

This is so naive. Tons of people cheat with their kids in the house. They even cheat with their spouses in the house. They get an extra thrill from the risk.

"I do find it sad so many women think their husbands will cheat on them given the opportunity"

This is just about facing reality. Lots of men cheat. If you prefer to live in a fantasy that your husband is so special he's immune, have at it, but please don't tell other women that observing dodgy male behaviour is about the woman being irrationally jealous and it's all in her head. That's gaslighting.

I would step right in here. Call her and say you’re sorry her husband is away. Come round with children for early supper.
How lovely.

They're blatantly taking the piss out of you op.
Big deal he's helping put the kids to bed before going out,fuck me they're his kids as well.
And you're meant to be happy smiley as he goes off on his date.i wonder what her dh thinks of the situation.

I wonder why they stopped meeting for several months? I would be suspicious that something happened that occasion. There's no harm in him having a female friend but to meeting and then just stop could it have been a break up. He is not stupid he obviously notices her fawning over him and so would her husband. Then to invite him when her husband is away may be strange maybe the husband is not comfortable about it either if he knows. Could you spring it on him that you got a babysitter see his reaction.

.

Does he look at her the same way? I had something similar with my husband and a friend that grew up near him. It was weird this was someone he had a big crush for years on he asked her out and she refused. She was stunning and had a lot of admirers she looked like a model. When I met my husband we got engaged quickly and married in less than a year we were both very happy. This woman was at our engagement and acting very weird. She was flirting with my husband and every time we saw her she did the same. He thought it was odd it was like she did not want him but when she knew he was in a serious relationship she did not like it. My husband never met up with woman on his own I think she flirted to make me insecure. Your husband needs to take a step back from this woman if he values your marriage. The long period of time they were not meeting is very suspicious you need to ask him why. Either her husband was uncomfortable about them or something happened. If you live in a village could your husband have got a scare of something getting back to you.

Nope. I wouldn't be happy with that. Personally, I think it's rarely ever entirely appropriate for married /committed men and women to meet up alone at night with a friend of the opposite sex. With the added backstory you supplied, I would be extremely unhappy about this proposed evening alone.

Why would this be necessary? Why can't they meet some other time, in a public place or with other people? It's incredibly disrespectful of their spouses, in my opinion.

The long break is indeed very telling, and @AIBU2bjealous commented in her other thread that her H wasn’t even mentioning the ‘friend’ during that time. Perhaps one or both intentionally distanced publicly because (1) they regretted what had occurred that night or (2) they decided to continue and take it underground or (3) they were seen, so needed to lie low for a while. It is also possible that they had already been involved and this was a break up.

I’m wondering who initiated the get-together with the children. It appears that the dust had settled and she felt free to project love-sick vibes toward him, and then to bring him over at night when her H is away. His agreeing to go is key, as it shows his decision to trash his physical or emotional fidelity. His being open about going is to normalize it in ‘plain sight’, as is his offering to share bedtime duties before he goes.

@AIBU2bjealous, I hope you will assert an iron-clad boundary, and can get to the bottom of his disloyalty.

Have you made it clear to your DH how very uncomfortable you are about this? And does her DH know that your DH will be going round in his absence? It all sounds a little….unusual. Just tell him you don’t want him to go, and that you think he should put your needs above hers - why should you be expected to spend an evening in your own just because her DH is away?

@Soretoothfairy this is exactly how DH feels. He doesn’t see having opposite-sex friends as a barrier to anything and wouldn’t be offended if I went to male friend’s home after his children were in bed. He trusts me implicitly and doesn’t see any reason why I wouldn’t do the same for him. However I think he’s oblivious towards the mooning from his friend, in a way I wouldn’t be if a male friend had the same eyes for me. I just wouldn’t go because I would think it would send the wrong message. I don’t think he sees it at all, which is worrying? Or it is hiding in plain sight?

I feel insecure because her DC are older, I’m still having sleepless nights and picking weetabix out of my hair. She’s also got loads of money for nanny and household help, we don’t so I’m knackered and complaining about my aching back. Perhaps a sign I should be a bit more interesting but these are the hard years, aren’t they?