He doesn't want kids

[Scottishsummer91]

I'm 32, turning 33 soon. I got with DP 8 years ago and he was always very clear he doesn't want kids. I have always been on the fence but in the last year or two I have found myself questioning if I want kids. All of my friends have kids or are pregnant and its possibly shone a light on it for me. I'm not 100% sure if I want kids but I'm definitely having doubts about not having them.. would you break up if you felt like this - not 100% sure on kids but having doubts? I know he won't change his mind on this and it feels like it's not really my choice in this relationship. Although I know there is no guarantee I'd have kids even if I do leave.

I did, but I knew I wanted children, I wasn’t on the fence about it. Having doubts about not having them isn’t the same as wanting them. At nearly 33 unfortunately time is limited if you do then decide you do want children, so you could leave and quickly find someone who wants children to discover actually you don’t, or you do. Or you could leave, realise you do want them and go it alone (thats what I did with my first).

It's a personal choice and you have to live with the what ifs.

The only thing that's certain is that he doesn't. And that's ok, he's not a bad person because of this. Try and ask why you might want them..is it just because everyone else is in that process and having lots of insta worthy beach pics, cute toddler birthday parties etc? Or do you feel a real, deep seated need to be a mother?

To me, it's far better to regret not having them than to regret having them, which you may if you leave what sounds like a steady and good relationship for one which gives you children but may leave you with someone who you are less suited to.

Be careful. My friend married a man who didn't want kids. She hoped he would change his mind. - he didn't. We assumed the man mattered more than having children. 25 years later they are divorcing and she can't get over the he fact she 'wasted her child bearing years' on this man, (her words) even though she chose to stay with him. Every conversation is 'I could have been a mum' 'If I'd had children .... they'd be'. She is NC with her sister now because she suggested counselling. It's very sad.

@RhaenysRocks that's a good point. Hope this doesn't sound silly but I think since we got a dog a few years ago it's brought out this nuturing side I suppose and I love having someone to look after. I feel a really deep bond with my dog but I know it's nothing compared to having a child and it's made me think more about what I could be missing out on. A big part of why I have been on the fence is that I'd only ever want to have a child if I felt ready and I could give them a good stable home as I didn't have that. Probably have a lot of self reflection to do on this and figure out if it's because I actually want a baby or just feeling some societal pressures.

It is such a hard decision!

How do you feel about him otherwise? If you found out you definitely could never have children, would you be glad he was who you’re spending your life with?

Do you feel like it’s only this issue where there’s no compromise, or are there others?

Committing to someone who doesn’t want kids in the hope they’ll change their mind is never a good idea.

It's such a personal decision. I knew at 16 I wanted a future with kids in it. When I met dh I was 26 and we had a frank discussion about it and I wouldn't have pursued the relationship had he said no or been on the fence. From my perspective if you've got to 32 and are on the fence then I'd be inclined to think you don't want them enough to go for it but that's just what I think based on what you have posted. I don't know you or a thing about your relationship.

What I would say is it would be wrong to coerce your partner as he has always been adamant he doesn't want them. The first year with a new baby can be hard for couples when both parents actively want a child, if either has doubts then that gets magnified. Only you can make the decision op but I would ask yourself whether you want a child enough to go it alone because there are simply no guarantees you would meet someone who wants a baby before your fertile years are up.

It could be you are not sure. It could be you are not brave enough yet to admit to yourself you want kids because of what it spells for your relationship. You need to find out now, so you can make your own choice and then stand your ground.

Your partner is very wise.
Not having offspring was the best decision
I ever made for myself. (45 yo).
However, if you want kids, it's just not gonna be with this man.

My DH was definitely no kids when we met and by the time we started to get serious I spend a good year debating the issues with myself. It seemed insane to throw away a great relationship because we had these different wishes. But I did know I wanted to be a mum. In the end I concluded that I wanted to become a foster carer, and planned to live separately from him but maintain our relationship. I felt really at peace with it all then. And then DH changed his mind, but from a place of being freed from fulfilling my wishes, I think.

It's a tricky one, OP, but please don't have a baby just because all your friends are. This is a tricky stage to navigate, when you very much feel like the odd one out, and it adds to the societal pressure.
Your partner has always been honest with you, which is admirable. Presumably you love him...... now, forget kids for a moment, but just imagine a world without him, where you never see him again. How does that make you feel? I think your response to that scenario will tell you a lot.

A dog, or cat or horse {or any other animal} is nothing like having a child...and if a man says he doesn't want children, believe him.

A dog is a dog - a child is a whole different ball game.

Women ''accidentally'' get pregnant on purpose, hoping the man will change his tune when the baby arrives- to no avail.

So many relationships founder after having children.

There used to be a forum {Searched for it since, but can't find it} about men who hated being fathers - it was eye opening.

They often felt ''trapped'' into having more children than they wanted, or were unwilling fathers to a first child.

A vasectomy is what they need to ensure they don't get 'trapped' in future.

It was full of men complaining how they hated the sound of the baby crying, how the woman told them they were on the pill &c and no need to use a condom..

Any man who doesn't want children needs to buy, keep, and put on his own condom, and to dispose of it safely where the contents can't be ''harvested'' soon after.

There was a case on Radio 4 years ago about a man who was very careful about condoms, but at a court hearing the baby was genetically his- the woman admitted to harvesting the condom contents while the man was in the shower-

He was liable for costs.

Yes I am aware that a baby is much more work so I wasn't comparing it in that sense, purely that it has made me think about having a baby more. I also have no intention of trapping him or forcing him into a child. If I decide that I want to have a baby that would be for me to decide and then leave him if that is the case as I'd never force someone who didn't want kids into it, that's not what my post is about.

Are you sure you’re not sure?

Be totally honest with yourself. Are you doing the ‘not 100% sure/having some doubts/maybe’ because you’re frightened of being honest with yourself and what that will mean for your relationship if you are?

Personally I knew I wanted children of my own from a really young age and have never, ever deviated from feeling like that. I ended a relationship because of it many years ago, with somebody I was very much in love with. He remained childfree until a few years ago and then had a ‘surprise’ baby with a much younger partner. They’ve recently split.

Listen really closely to your thoughts.

Someone always pops up on MN telling the OP to engineer an “accident”. So irresponsible…and then we wonder why there are so many crap, disinterested fathers who spend ungodly amounts of time on their hobbies! And men who leave when babies are tiny!

Hope this doesn't sound silly but I think since we got a dog a few years ago it's brought out this nuturing side I suppose and I love having someone to look after. I feel a really deep bond with my dog but I know it's nothing compared to having a child and it's made me think more about what I could be missing out on.

No, it doesn't sound silly to me. That's what happened to us - neither of us were particularly interested in having children at all, until after we got a dog. But a crucial point there is the 'us' - in our case it woke both of us up to thinking about parenthood.

I didn’t have children OP. I knew as a teenager I didn’t want them. Other people having children didn’t make me waver, their pregnancies and the tedium of young children only confirmed my choice was the right one for me.

Honestly, I think if you are undecided at 33 you probably want them but haven’t allowed yourself to feel that way or plan for them because your partner is firmly in the childfree camp.

Be truly honest with yourself. As someone said upthread, maybe you do know but are scared to admit to yourself that you do want children because it will mean the end of your relationship.

You need to be honest about your conflict with your partner either way. He deserves to know that you may be out of the relationship so he can make his own decisions.

This.

I'm 60 and the relationship, the extra time and money due to not having kids are great. Once a year or so I feel a twinge but nothing major.

Far rather have this life than all the drudgery and downsides and risks of child rearing.

But if you really want it more than you want a relationship, now is the time to go for it.

Well, major kudos to you for being prudent and prioritizing a stable home for potential offspring.

So many do not, to the detriment of the kids and society.

Good luck whatever you decide.

(Personally I'd stick with the man and dogs!)

Self-reflection is the only real answer here OP. The desire to have children, or not have children, isn't binary - it's a spectrum with many points of ambivalence along it, and only you know where you fall on it.

I'll just say firstly, having kids because everyone around you is having kids and you're realising it's a default heterosexual life path is a bad idea. The most unhappy parents I know are those who didn't realise they had the option not to have kids until it was too late - they thought it was expected of them socially in some vague way. For me, friends starting to have kids actually reinforced how much I didn't want them.

Secondly there are many, many people with a similar mindset to you - they don't know, to varying degrees. One of my friends like this told me that the key for her was the realisation that she'd be fine either way - she might have some regrets but ultimately she knew she could build a rich, full life with or without kids. That realisation lifted a weight off her shoulders. (She chose to be child-free.)

I have a lot to think about. I don't feel 100% fulfilled in my relationship if I'm completely honest with myself and I wonder if that's part of the problem and is making me question what I want for my future. I think I know I'd be ok with or without kids just as long as I was happy in other aspects of life so I need to have a good think about it all.