He doesn't want kids

[Scottishsummer91]

I'm 32, turning 33 soon. I got with DP 8 years ago and he was always very clear he doesn't want kids. I have always been on the fence but in the last year or two I have found myself questioning if I want kids. All of my friends have kids or are pregnant and its possibly shone a light on it for me. I'm not 100% sure if I want kids but I'm definitely having doubts about not having them.. would you break up if you felt like this - not 100% sure on kids but having doubts? I know he won't change his mind on this and it feels like it's not really my choice in this relationship. Although I know there is no guarantee I'd have kids even if I do leave.

I agree that self reflection here is the only way to decide this. A baby is not like the wrong sized top that can be returned. Once you have a baby you're life won't be the same again.
You have the physical, mental and financial costs of bringing them up. You also need to consider how you manage as a couple if this baby has special needs. Not all special needs are visible from birth like autism.

I know several couples with sn kids and several couples that have kids with autism. I know a couple with a an sn child in there early teens who is still nappies, can barely talk, has poor sight, has seizures and the mental age of I say a toddler. They get a night a week respite and can get another few night of respite on occasion. They also have family members that can help them out.

Another lady I know is now doing locum work because her child is has autism and has a lot of appointments. She could not keep looking for mornings or afternoons off due to the appointments. She has has help from both sets of grandparents as well. Her child is improving over time but it hard going because she trying to help them and give her older child time without the younger child.

I am not saying don't have a child but to go into it being aware that things may not go according to plan. If your with a man who does not want children and you do you need to move on. Also just because your friends are having kids does not mean you should have one.

I have one child free friend who is now in her early 50's. About 10 years ago she was involved with a man and she was considering having a baby with him. They broke up and she was very upset at the time. He went no to have a baby with his new girlfriend. My friend is now happy that she did not have a child with him. She sees what her friends and family are going through with kids and the cost. Her life is a happy one being child free.

I agree that self reflection here is the only way to decide this. A baby is not like the wrong sized top that can be returned. Once you have a baby you're life won't be the same again.
You have the physical, mental and financial costs of bringing them up. You also need to consider how you manage as a couple if this baby has special needs. Not all special needs are visible from birth like autism.

I know several couples with sn kids and several couples that have kids with autism. I know a couple with a an sn child in there early teens who is still nappies, can barely talk, has poor sight, has seizures and the mental age of I say a toddler. They get a night a week respite and can get another few night of respite on occasion. They also have family members that can help them out.

Another lady I know is now doing locum work because her child is has autism and has a lot of appointments. She could not keep looking for mornings or afternoons off due to the appointments. She has has help from both sets of grandparents as well. Her child is improving over time but it hard going because she trying to help them and give her older child time without the younger child.

I am not saying don't have a child but to go into it being aware that things may not go according to plan. If your with a man who does not want children and you do you need to move on. Also just because your friends are having kids does not mean you should have one.

I have one child free friend who is now in her early 50's. About 10 years ago she was involved with a man and she was considering having a baby with him. They broke up and she was very upset at the time. He went no to have a baby with his new girlfriend. My friend is now happy that she did not have a child with him. She sees what her friends and family are going through with kids and the cost. Her life is a happy one being child free.

Do not base having a child on how you have felt about your dog. There’s no comparison.

From all your posts, it sounds like a change is on the cards.

I was going to say to imagine he now really wanted kids and wanted to try in the next year and pretend for a full week that that decision is weighing on your shoulders. But now I wonder if that would make you feel panicky because you don't feel its the right fit.

33 is a great time to start over. You can get in a year of grieving him and dating, 2 years with Future Husband, married at 36 and start trying for 2 kids.

Even waiting til 35 to make a decision jeopardises that timeline, and a lot of that timeline is luck.

I think with having kids, you either know that you don't want them or you haven't come to terms that you do. Good luck x

Thing is though, as plenty of threads on here will testify to - you can do everything right, plan ahead, spends years with a partner or husband and STILL end up being left holding the baby and muddling through as a SP or dealing with SEN or disability or a million other things that don't make the FB / Insta posts. People talk about "missing out" on motherhood like its the worst tragedy that could possibly befall a woman but as pp on here have said, there are plenty of upsides to being child free and I don't think anyone should be swayed by a FOMO. There are absolutely no guarantees in life no matter what you do. If you did decide to stay in this relationship and remain child free, there are plenty of opportunities for volunteering or working with children if you feel you have some leanings in that area. Personally, as I said before, FAR better to regret their absence than their presence and none of us on here can tell us what you really think by telling you how we feel or felt.

I totally agree, @RhaenysRocks Childfree by choice here and no regrets whatsoever. When I see what some people are dealing with I just wonder "why???"

It is a lot to think about and I do wonder if I'm just feeling unfulfilled in other areas of life and not necessarily wanting a child. I definitely would never want to have a baby without feeling sure and the thought of regretting having one is really horrible so I'd never want to feel that way. I have a lot to reflect on and probably also whether this is the right relationship for a child free life too. Has been really helpful for a different perspective though as most people just tell you to have kids 😂

Maybe think if you had a partner that constantly wanted children and was always asking you when; would you want one do you think? If it was a man you loved dearly and was a stable relationship………it sounds to me as though you do want children and possibly in this mind frame as you’ve set yourself up with someone who definitely doesn’t want kids, was that always both of your ideas or did you set that mind frame to keep the relationship? Personally I was never really maternal, I always had horses and I tend to find horsey women are not that interested in children, maybe the horses are their babies……… but I always knew at some point in my life I wanted to have a child as wouldn’t like to go through life without having had children…….once my first came along it changed my view on kids completely, I would have a football team if I had the money and energy……….just don’t stay in the relationship for the wrong reasons and look back on a life of regrets is my advice