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AIBU?

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Original poster

Worried girlfriend has alcohol problem

38 replies

Ballymolly · 26/08/2024 00:03

BIL (30) has been seeing his partner (28) for about a year and we're concerned she has an alcohol problem. She's one of those people who has what I would call a wine personality. Everything's about getting on the wine and she's constantly sort of bragging about how much she drinks?

Anyway, over the summer she's started meeting extended family and came to a few family gatherings (a milestone birthday, a wedding, charity fundraiser, and a BBQ) where she's drunk 2/3+ bottles of wine to herself, got pretty smashed, and behaved really obnoxiously towards DP's lovely, welcoming family. (For context she doesn't really know the family yet, has only met us all a handful of times). She's also a teacher and this weekend she drunkenly told me she sometimes has a mug of wine in the afternoons in class with her TA.

BIL seems oblivious to it though and seems to think she's just having fun. He told us she has a stressful job and it's how she unwinds, but that's obvs not great. Should we press the fact we're a bit concerned about her? And maybe she needs to reign things in a bit? Or just leave it? I think her parents are big drinkers and are probably oblivious, and seems her mates are mostly a group of her old uni sports team friends, who of course, stereotypically, sound pretty boozy. DP is pretty upset at the way she's spoken to us and his parents, and thinks the girlfriend should at least know it's not really acceptable.

OP posts:
TheClawDecides · 26/08/2024 00:07

She's also a teacher and this weekend she drunkenly told me she sometimes has a mug of wine in the afternoons in class with her TA.

Oh do me a favour! 🤣🤣

Teachers and TAs drinking mugs of wine in class, really?

Seaweed42 · 26/08/2024 00:10

I guess it'll tell its own story.
Your DH can discuss it with his brother or not as he wishes.
I'd advise you stay out of it.

cupcaske123 · 26/08/2024 00:11

Most people would be completely legless on more than three bottles of wine OP. You're either exaggerating or she's an extremely heavy drinker to have built up that kind of tolerance. I find it difficult to believe that she's drinking at work.

Irrespective, I wouldn't say anything.

CorWotcha · 26/08/2024 00:15

WTAF — 2-3 bottles of wine to herself?

Anyway, sounds like she has an alcohol problem. But not sure there is much you can do about it. Perhaps encourage DH to keep the lines of communication open with BIL and depending on their relationship raise his concerns / point out what an absolute liability she is.

Best case scenario they break up soon. I think the worrying thing is that he’s not put off by this behaviour (yet?). But it sounds like she will likely destroy the relationship herself with her inappropriate behaviour.

Original poster
Ballymolly · 26/08/2024 00:19

At least 3 bottles of wine pretty much to herself throughout a 9ish hour wedding day. BIL had work the next day and said he only had 2 glasses all day from the same bottles. They were laughing about it the next morning, but i think that's ludicrous.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ballymolly · 26/08/2024 00:21

That's what I said to DP @CorWotcha - the behaviour will become too much for BIL eventually and it will fizzle out quite soon I suspect.

OP posts:
Round3HereWeGo · 26/08/2024 00:24

Stay well out of it and leave DH to do what he thinks is best but be prepared for the fall out

TwinklyNight · 26/08/2024 00:33

It may be best to not invite her to any events where alcohol is freely available. I would keep out of it but think your dh is right to talk to his brother about her drinking.

LouH5 · 26/08/2024 00:38

She sounds hectic!

I don’t think there’s too much you can really do, an open chat about it between your husband and his brother just to subtly let him know you have both clocked it and have your concerns, but not sure what else you can do.

The wine out of a mug in the classroom thing introduces me. Do you think they did it once for a laugh in the run up to summer hols or Christmas, or maybe at the end of an ofsted visit perhaps? But she’s trying to show off and look “cool/clever” by making it out like it’s something they do regularly?

TheClawDecides · 26/08/2024 00:41

Wine stinks to high heavens on the breath, as does most alcohol, particularly in 'alcohol free' places.

I think she's full of shit to claim her and a TA were drinking in class.

Original poster
Ballymolly · 26/08/2024 00:42

Just to clarify, I'm not getting involved at all. We were just debating whether he should say something to his brother, and what exactly.

His brother has form for chaotic girlfriends, and after his last relationship broke down very dramatically, he asked us to be up front if we had concerns about his future relationships.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ballymolly · 26/08/2024 00:44

TheClawDecides · 26/08/2024 00:41

Wine stinks to high heavens on the breath, as does most alcohol, particularly in 'alcohol free' places.

I think she's full of shit to claim her and a TA were drinking in class.

Part of me wonders if she's trying hard to make herself seem 'edgy' because I think that's what impresses the people she hangs out with.

Honestly who knows.

OP posts:
SleepPrettyDarling · 26/08/2024 00:45

Park the school story as a bit of braggadocio. Her behaviour at your family gathering is completely unacceptable. Don’t get drawn into commenting on what you don’t see; limit your comments to what you see firsthand. Your DP (BIL is his brother, yes?) needs to advocate for his parents, himself and you if she’s being obnoxious.

JustFinishedCleaning · 26/08/2024 00:51

I read it as two thirds of a bottle but 2-3? And she was still standing? Wow, that’s a very high tolerance for alcohol. Which suggests she has been doing it a lot. For quite some time.
She does have a problem with alcohol, i am
sure she will get in trouble at some point and lose her job if school finds out her little secret. That’s another red flag, she cannot get through the day without a mug of it. Working with children.
I’d jokingly raise it with her partner but leave it for him to figure it out.

andfinallyhereweare · 26/08/2024 01:00

She drinks in front of the children? Or on a Friday Avo when the kids are gone? (This is fairly common teaching having a Friday drink at school)

BobbyBiscuits · 26/08/2024 01:07

She'd be fired for drinking wine in class. Ridiculous. I take it she was drunk when she made that 'admission'?
Drinking three bottles of wine and then getting abusive to the family of your new boyfriend is not a good look. The fact she brags about drinking makes me think she may be more of a binger than a daily drinker?
Most alcoholics play down their level of drinking, at least conversationally, as they feel the need to continue and fear someone trying to stop them drinking. If she doesn't want to cut down or quit then there's little anyone can do.
It's down to your BiL to have a chat about how her drinking makes him feel, and if he's concerned for her health then say so. There's a chance she may be willing to try and do something, with support. Or it could be he simply can't handle being with someone with that level of alcohol use. Which would be understandable.

PocketBattleship · 26/08/2024 01:11

Ballymolly · 26/08/2024 00:21

That's what I said to DP @CorWotcha - the behaviour will become too much for BIL eventually and it will fizzle out quite soon I suspect.

So why are you here? What do you want from us?

Mammyloveswine · 26/08/2024 01:24

Bil was drinking wine with her, 3 bottles over 9 hours is one large wine an hour.. a lot, yes, but I've definitely been similar on a weekend/wedding!

I very much doubt she's drinking wine with a ta in school but may have an after school catch up where they go and have a drink midweek!

You sound very judgemental of her and of your bil tbh!

HelenaWaiting · 26/08/2024 01:32

@BobbyBiscuits Drinking three bottles of wine and then getting abusive to the family of your new boyfriend is not a good look.

Nobody said she was abusive.

BobbyBiscuits · 26/08/2024 01:42

@HelenaWaiting well, OP said behaved 'extremely obnoxiously' for me that's tantamount to abusive?

TammyJones · 26/08/2024 01:44

TheClawDecides · 26/08/2024 00:07

She's also a teacher and this weekend she drunkenly told me she sometimes has a mug of wine in the afternoons in class with her TA.

Oh do me a favour! 🤣🤣

Teachers and TAs drinking mugs of wine in class, really?

My thoughts exactly- she's having you on.

CrikeyMajikey · 26/08/2024 08:30

I don’t think one can dismiss the mug of wine in the classroom as a ‘joke’. The 2-3 bottles during the day is a lot, sounds like she does have a drink problem and therefore the mug of wine in class can’t be ignored.

TheClawDecides · 26/08/2024 10:33

CrikeyMajikey · 26/08/2024 08:30

I don’t think one can dismiss the mug of wine in the classroom as a ‘joke’. The 2-3 bottles during the day is a lot, sounds like she does have a drink problem and therefore the mug of wine in class can’t be ignored.

Think about it logically for a second.

Even if by some really slim chance no-one smelled the stench on her breath and in the class, why would she put it in a mug and not a water bottle with a screw on lid?

NeverDropYourMooncup · 26/08/2024 12:18

andfinallyhereweare · 26/08/2024 01:00

She drinks in front of the children? Or on a Friday Avo when the kids are gone? (This is fairly common teaching having a Friday drink at school)

Wait, what?

Many schools and trusts have an explicit rule now that on no circumstances is alcohol to be consumed in school hours or on a school site (with the exception sometimes for an event if they aren't working on it, but not always). Obviously as a result of bitter and embarrassingly public experience.

andfinallyhereweare · 26/08/2024 12:42

@NeverDropYourMooncup not in any school I’ve worked in… we all used to pay into a social fund and have drinks one Friday a month in the staff room. I know a few schools that do this. In the same vein if we have to stay late to do a big clear out HOD would get us beer/pizza for while we worked. It was only after the kids had left and no one got wild or did anything embarrassing.

Im just saying it’s easy to imagine as I’ve seen staff drink at school. Especially on last day of term. It was usually provided for by my school.

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