Can you subconsciously attract toxic people?

[Hereforthekickz]

Just thinking about the above question and wondering what you think???

I seem to attract people that are toxic or difficult and am starting to wonder if I am doing something to allow this to happen. I am 46F and I realise that I don’t want these type of people in my life. I have recently had a bit of a crisis in my personal life and it has really opened my eyes to areas in my life that I may need to change, especially the people around me. No one is perfect and I have my faults but I am a genuine and humble person that tries to be the best I can.

I don’t have many friends but I am okay with this. I am sociable but I love my own company and can be a bit introvert.

I have one friend whom I have known for many years. She can be lovely, buying me beautiful birthday gifts but that’s not a friendship to me. Friends support each other, are interested in each other’s lives and take time for each other. This friendship doesn’t feel right. She often messages me to meet up for a meal, for example. I listen to her talk about her life, her holidays, her kids. She is very money oriented and tells me how much she has spent on a designer bag or a holiday. She tells me all about her finances and this feels uncomfortable to me. She likes to keep up with the Jones. When I get a chance to talk, she looks at her watch or is distracted. She never asks me questions about my life. She loves to send me pictures of her holidays and weekends away or clothes she has bought, all laid out on her bed to show me. Right or wrong, I don’t like this behaviour and feel it’s a step too far. Sure, we all like to share things with our friends but I am not sure I would get the same response if I sent her my pictures of my latest purchases!

My DF is very ill with a life changing condition. She did text to ask how he was on several occasions. When I saw her, we talked about it but again, she didn’t seem interested at all. She was busy interrupting me and talking to her kids. She went on holiday this week and sent me her ‘posed’ photos of her by the pool captioned “my view this morning”. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy she got away. I just felt it was a little insensitive as she knows I can’t do that now with DF being so poorly. She knows I am struggling to keep my head up at the moment. I honestly think she doesn’t know me at all and yes, it’s lovely that she sends gifts but I want more from a friend.

I have a SIL that’s similar and seems to make a bee line for me. I had a very rare, few hours out with my DD and DH. My SIL was also attending. She is absolutely full of herself, talks constantly about herself and loves to talk about money. She says the most inappropriate things like talking about how much money she is leaving people in her will (if they behave!) She loves to think she is above everyone and is so bossy. There are not many family members that like her. Of course, she talks at me all night. Gets drunk then gets all sentimental, trying to hold my hand! She tells me the same things every time - she can’t have kids, and how horrible her real her Dad is and then she usually starts crying. Never once, in any conversation does she ask anything about me or my family. I know everything about her! She then tries to invite me parties etc.

Why am I attracting these people? Okay, my SIL isn’t really a choice I made, but why does she make a bee line for me. I have tried being uninteresting and I don’t engage with her fully. I nod and do a lot of “mmmmming”. I don’t talk about me at all as there is no point. Same with my friend . She asked about my DF and I replied that he was having a feeding tube fitted soon. Her reply “glad he is doing okay” WTF!!! No, I wouldn’t say he was doing okay!

We are meeting up with family soon for an overnight thing. SIL will be there and I am dreading it! I just need it to be over.

I think I am doing something to encourage this behaviour. Maybe I am too accommodating and polite. Thoughts on this please?

It's modern life. Conversation is non existence. Some people just vomit words and expect you to mop it up. If you do manage to get sword in they are champing at the bit to begin their next monologue. I do my best to remember details and things important to the speaker, but it is rarely reciprocated. We are but satellites to the main events - themselves.

@AzureBlue99 I absolutely agree with this.
Someone once told me to imagine you are at a party and you meet someone new. They talk nonstop about their work, life, hobbies. Would you want to talk to that person at the next party? No! Don’t be that person. So I always make an effort to ask questions and get to know them. I don’t even get a chance to ask them any questions. They just talk and talk about themselves. How boring is that ?

Conversation is an art. It’s like tennis where we all walk away knowing a little bit more about a person. I find people interesting but it has to be reciprocated otherwise it’s a monologue.

I want to rid myself of these types. I just don’t have time for them anymore!

I know exactly what you're going through! They make a bee line because they know you will listen until they're done and be sympathetic/impressed/give good honest advice. It's time to be selfish. Cut conversations short and say you're busy (if on the phone) or you'd like to talk about something else. Be selfish. You know these people don't pour into you. Find any way to avoid them and hopefully find new friends. Don't be afraid to say "no offence but can we change the subject, I'm feeling unsettled as my friend is ill/I'm tired/ have other things on my mind". Learn to smile, make an excuse and walk away. These people are selfish and draining.

I’ve met a few people like this-I usually end up just nodding but as I’ve got older I will walk away. I am genuinely interested in people, but have no desire to talk about money, wealth or shopping!

There are a few reasons why you might attract toxic people. First predators can sense vulnerability and know who to make a bee line for, second you sound unassertive.

You've been putting up with this 'friend' droning on about herself, showing you ridiculous photos and being uninterested in your life - yet you keep meeting her and haven't pulled her up on her behaviour.

There are ways to handle your SIL. Be polite but keep away from her. Don't get drawn into conversations, and move away.

Both these people are using you and you're letting them.

I have NC but @Hereforthekickz I definitely experienced the same for a really long time. I absolutely think it is a thing where we can attract types of people and I think it has two components who we attract and the fact we don’t apply the boundaries to keep some types of people out like other people do. There is ND in my family so I’ve always been attracted to quirky, out there people but among them have been very self absorbed, draining folks.

I was bled absolutely emotionally dry by a few culprits well into my 40s. I was empathetic, non judgmental and I gave good advice but it went beyond normal levels of emotional offloading and the expectations of some of the people were off the charts. It has been a big adjustment pulling back and I still don’t have the balance right at all.

I think it happens when you don't have the self esteem to assert your boundaries. Have you ever felt your boundaries were respected, either with these people or historically? Do you feel that you have the right to have boundaries,or do you worry that if you assert them you'll lose the people you love?

These are all great responses- thank you.

I definitely let these two people just do what they want. I have had my boundaries step on by quite a few people in my personal life and at work. I am working on this.

I think there are a number of things at play. I do feel I have a right to my boundaries but don’t assert them because I am worried about their reaction so I just put up with it. I am protecting myself from their reaction because that may cause me some unpleasant feelings or anxiety. I will then procrastinate and wonder if I made the right decision to assert myself.

I don’t want to upset anyone as that’s not a pleasant experience. I sometimes struggle with knowing what to say or do. There have been times when I have asserted myself and it’s been communicated all wrong and I haven’t been direct enough. I think they must love me cause I listen to them going on and on. I really just want to shout “boring!!” 🤣

@cupcaske123 I completely agree with your comments. I do still meet my friend and I dread it every time she asks me if I’m free.

I try always to make it easier for me. Saying I have an appointment so need to leave or meeting somewhere she can’t go shopping otherwise it’s all about where she wants to go and what she wants to buy. She was once late to meet me and my DD so we ordered a drink. She turned up just as we were sitting down with it. She wanted to go straight to get something to eat as her kids were hungry. She didn’t want to wait for us to finish so what did I do?? Agreed and left my drink!

I also can’t see the point in asserting my boundaries as I will be at it all the time. Maybe best if I end this friendship as it’s not going to change

Ending the friendship might be the assertion of your boundary that you need, OP. 💖

I think there's two elements to this. Firstly , yes , people that love to take can spot someone that is a people pleaser quite easily.

Secondly , some people try their selfish crap with everyone , they do the rounds until someone gets trapped in the net.

I had a friend that constantly drained me and took the piss , she was always inviting herself to my house or holding me hostage for a phonecall when I had told her I was busy. A mutual friend had a better relationship with the drainer and I couldn't see how for a long time. Obvious answer being that she had strong boundaries. She only replied/picked the phone up/agreed to things when she had time. She would also agree to timed visits only.

The easy answer is to start saying no. It really does work wonders!

"Vomit words and expect you to mop it up" - excellent, I'm stealing that.

She asked about my DF and I replied that he was having a feeding tube fitted soon. Her reply “glad he is doing okay” WTF!!! No, I wouldn’t say he was doing okay!

If you can't say out loud what you've said here, let your face do the talking. Show her with your expression how unpleasant her dismissal is.

It's okay not to people please, especially if they wouldn't dream of pleasing you

@PaininthePreferbial problem is, all of our conversations are via WhatsApp so that adds another dimension. We only actually meet up 3 or 4 times a year and even that’s become too much.

The conversation is always the same. She has spent a load of money on something, she tells me the amount then spends the next hour justifying to me why it was a good idea to spend it. I know all about her daughter and being admitted to a top cheer leading team. I know all about the latest designer bag she has bought and why it was worked the £1000 price tag.

The issue here is this - we were fortunate enough to have some money come our way after we lost my FIL. We went to New York. A once in a lifetime trip. I met with my friend after and she did ask how it was but after her and her kids telling me and my DD (15) about how they are going to Thailand and it’s cost so much money. My DD was trying to speak about school but was ignored or spoken over so I had to keep going back to her and say “what were you saying about school”!

She did ask about New York but wasn’t really interested, didn’t ask any questions but did bring it around to herself by saying “we were going to go for my 50th birthday”. The subject was changed quickly and I just couldn’t be bothered to talk anymore about it.

Then we went around the shops and it’s all where her kids want to go and we have to wait whilst they try clothes on. Argghh I am just so over it!!! 😤

She also makes me feel like I am the poor relative when I am with her. We have a comfortable life but I don’t talk about the price of things and I am not obsessed with clothes, bags. It’s just not me. That stuff isn’t worth mentioning.

In the nicest possible way, OP, it’s not that mysterious. Nothing you say or do suggests you have any problem with these people’s behaviour, and in fact most of your effort seems to be going into preventing them from seeing that you’re bored, upset or offended. So they don’t know. You haven’t told them. There’s no point in going down the ‘Well, they should be aware of my feelings!’ route. You can’t change other people, only your own behaviour.

Everything you do in these relationships says that the other person is waaaay more important than you, whether it’s nodding along to some endless monologue, waiting about while they try on clothes, or leaping up and leaving your drink because the other person’s desire for food is more important than the fact that you ordered a drink while waiting for them.

Bluntly, you need to take responsibility for contributing to the dynamic. You’ve positioned yourself as the human service animal in these relationships. You clearly recognise you’re a people-pleaser, which is a big step. But you need to recognise this is a bad habit, like living on junk food or biting your nails, it’s not that you’re ’too nice’. You’re doing it because you can’t cope with the consequences of you asserting yourself and behaving honestly, because you think it will ‘upset’ them. The fact that you are yourself ‘upset’ in every interaction with them seems far less important to you, so it’s hardly surprising they don’t see it!

They don’t respect you for putting up with their shit, it crowds out space in your life for good relationships, because other people witnessing this don’t respect you, because why are you passively putting up with this behaviour from people you neither like nor respect (understandably)? And it’s an appalling example for your children.

You can’t compel them to change. You can change your own behaviour, by prioritising yourself, and how you are feeling in any social encounter. And absolutely, this is likely to cause ructions because you’ve trained them to expect nothing but attention and services from you, but, really, who is more important to you, you or them?

@SeaweedSundress I absolutely agree with your comments. I do just let them treat me just as they please and keep my mouth shut!

I always feel like saying something is trouble causing. I know where I get this from because my DM is exactly the same but I am not quite as bad as her.

It is a habit but it’s one I am looking to break. My problem is instead of asserting myself in a polite way, I will probably just say it as it is and upset a few folks 🤣

I’ve recently gone NC with a monologuer. All I was was a sounding board, therapist and counsellor. As soon as I had the chance to extricate myself I took it. This person drained the life out of me for about 15 years. She didn’t know anything about me because every monologue was about her and her “running things by me”. An absolute vampire. Still trying to hook me back in with anonymous calls to my mobile. Piss off

Oh, I hear you, @Hereforthekickz — my mother is a lifelong people pleaser, and taught me that in order to be liked I should never say no, never assert myself, never say more than ‘Really?’ ‘What happened then?’ in conversation.

The script I got throughout my childhood was ‘Everyone is more important than you, and you can only make people like you by toadying, and the moment you stop toadying, they’re allowed to legitimately dislike you, and because they’re more important than you, their dislike is pretty much the worst thing that can happen to you,’

It took a lot of work to unpick it, I won’t lie, but it’s absolutely possible. It’s also possibly the best investment in your own happiness you’ll ever make (and in your children’s — I think modelling good, mutually-supportive friendships is one of the best things you can do for your children.’

I’d suggest some targeted therapy to get you started.

Its not that you attract certain people.
Its that those people look for a certain type to glom on to, they test you in the early stages of the relationship, and you have to put in firm boundaries early on.
If you do that, it puts them off investing any energy into you, and they move on.

Being a people pleaser means you end up pleasing no one, you push genuine friends away, and you end up unhappy. You live an inauthentic life, and you spend a lot of energy doing it.

I'm willing to bet there was a similar adult in your childhood. You learned to respond to that adult in a way that earned you their approval. Then you met someone who behaves like that adult and you are responding as you used to in childhood. It's what you know and it will make you attractive to that sort of person. They won't latch on to someone more assertive.

A good rule to remember is 'we teach people how to treat us'. It might be too late to change the dynamic with this friend but it's not too late to be more assertive with new people you meet.

@Cattery I feel your pain. My piss taking 'friend' had her family members text and email me , she also wrote me a letter telling me that I'm a terrible person. All because I put boundaries in place.

Don't be afraid to say your piece op. Or you could just slowly move away from that person. A boundary doesn't always have to be a loud thing.

Please don't allow yourself be controlled . Toxic
people aren't any more powerful than you and I.
Break free and concentrate on things and people that uplift you. Life is too short.

I was like this. I had a wake up call when someone told me, "You're very generous with your time". Then I realised - shit, in my job, people actually PAY me for my time. I realised that what I thought was kindness was actually giving people access to me. I was literally letting too many people into my home. I was also in a cycle of getting into relationships with unsuitable men. I think a lot of divorced women get into that because they are unconsciously familiar with this dynamic. I was also doing things for other people & getting resentful when the returns were crap (a bit like this friend making you go clothes shopping with her kids). You have to mark your self and only give away what is appropriate

It's really hard, especially for those of us who grew up in neglect or with parents who didn't give us proper parenting.

I find now that recognising that ownership of my time & of "me", and being more selective, has made people value me more. One example - I was talking to my ex about a new car "oh you could exchange it for a little Fabia". With no disrespect to anyone who owns a Fabia, why didn't he say, "you should exchange it for a Ferrari"? I am worth BIG, not small! Ok, it's a far out example, but you get my drift. It reflected how little he thinks of me. Constantly undermined. Be big, OP!

The problem is not you attracting toxic people- we all encounter people like this in our lives from time to time- it happens to everyone. The problem is that you arent getting rid of them when they start up their toxic behaviour. Someone who is assertive and not a people pleaser would have got rid the moment they started their crap and they wouldnt keep them in their lives.

Thats the difference.

Two very true phrases are: 1. When someone shows you who they are the first time, believe them. And 2. We teach people how to treat us.

Thats not about victim blaming, its about building up your self esteem and awareness to realise when its happening, recognise that its not serving you and then to put appropriate boundaries in place. So in essence, its not that you are coming across these people, its that you are basically laying out the red carpet for them to do whatever the fck they want.

I get the impression you're letting friendships happen to you rather than seeking them out. Neither your friend nor your SIL seem to be people you would actually seek out as a friend. They stick to you because you're accommodating and non-demanding. Nothing wrong with that if you value the friendship, but it sounds to me as if you're not getting a lot out of it. Time to start meeting other people and see if you can develop better relationships, with people that you choose.