Can you subconsciously attract toxic people?

[Hereforthekickz]

Just thinking about the above question and wondering what you think???

I seem to attract people that are toxic or difficult and am starting to wonder if I am doing something to allow this to happen. I am 46F and I realise that I don’t want these type of people in my life. I have recently had a bit of a crisis in my personal life and it has really opened my eyes to areas in my life that I may need to change, especially the people around me. No one is perfect and I have my faults but I am a genuine and humble person that tries to be the best I can.

I don’t have many friends but I am okay with this. I am sociable but I love my own company and can be a bit introvert.

I have one friend whom I have known for many years. She can be lovely, buying me beautiful birthday gifts but that’s not a friendship to me. Friends support each other, are interested in each other’s lives and take time for each other. This friendship doesn’t feel right. She often messages me to meet up for a meal, for example. I listen to her talk about her life, her holidays, her kids. She is very money oriented and tells me how much she has spent on a designer bag or a holiday. She tells me all about her finances and this feels uncomfortable to me. She likes to keep up with the Jones. When I get a chance to talk, she looks at her watch or is distracted. She never asks me questions about my life. She loves to send me pictures of her holidays and weekends away or clothes she has bought, all laid out on her bed to show me. Right or wrong, I don’t like this behaviour and feel it’s a step too far. Sure, we all like to share things with our friends but I am not sure I would get the same response if I sent her my pictures of my latest purchases!

My DF is very ill with a life changing condition. She did text to ask how he was on several occasions. When I saw her, we talked about it but again, she didn’t seem interested at all. She was busy interrupting me and talking to her kids. She went on holiday this week and sent me her ‘posed’ photos of her by the pool captioned “my view this morning”. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy she got away. I just felt it was a little insensitive as she knows I can’t do that now with DF being so poorly. She knows I am struggling to keep my head up at the moment. I honestly think she doesn’t know me at all and yes, it’s lovely that she sends gifts but I want more from a friend.

I have a SIL that’s similar and seems to make a bee line for me. I had a very rare, few hours out with my DD and DH. My SIL was also attending. She is absolutely full of herself, talks constantly about herself and loves to talk about money. She says the most inappropriate things like talking about how much money she is leaving people in her will (if they behave!) She loves to think she is above everyone and is so bossy. There are not many family members that like her. Of course, she talks at me all night. Gets drunk then gets all sentimental, trying to hold my hand! She tells me the same things every time - she can’t have kids, and how horrible her real her Dad is and then she usually starts crying. Never once, in any conversation does she ask anything about me or my family. I know everything about her! She then tries to invite me parties etc.

Why am I attracting these people? Okay, my SIL isn’t really a choice I made, but why does she make a bee line for me. I have tried being uninteresting and I don’t engage with her fully. I nod and do a lot of “mmmmming”. I don’t talk about me at all as there is no point. Same with my friend . She asked about my DF and I replied that he was having a feeding tube fitted soon. Her reply “glad he is doing okay” WTF!!! No, I wouldn’t say he was doing okay!

We are meeting up with family soon for an overnight thing. SIL will be there and I am dreading it! I just need it to be over.

I think I am doing something to encourage this behaviour. Maybe I am too accommodating and polite. Thoughts on this please?

Sounds like you have expectations around friendships that aren't widely shared.

@henrythe4th please can you explain?

No. My silence says all I need to say to this person. She is trying to hoover me up for her supply. She doesn’t give a shit about me. It’s all for her benefit. NC is the only way. As soon as they see a chink of light they’re in and I don’t want anyone like that in my life anymore x

I do feel I have a right to my boundaries but don’t assert them because I am worried about their reaction so I just put up with it. I am protecting myself from their reaction because that may cause me some unpleasant feelings or anxiety

Whats the worst that can happen if you don’t reply to a long WhatsApp monologue or don’t answer some time vampire’s call? So what if they are upset with you. Good. They might just move on to someone else when they realise you aren’t their personal fly-tipping area. I’ve had a fair few people in my life like this. Looking back I could kick myself for giving them so much of my time and energy. I now have a sixth sense of someone who is a potential offender, and don’t get involved by exchanging numbers or agreeing to meet for a coffee. I’m in my 60s now and have some lovely ‘proper’ friends. We have 2 way conversations and are there for the good, bad and the ugly but no one takes the piss. You deserve decent friends. Don’t worry about upsetting them by cutting off their supply , however you choose to do that. Once you have freed yourself of them I bet your only regret is you didn’t do it sooner.

You have friends that buy you thoughtful gifts and care about you and ask you how things are going in your life and send repeated text messages of support when you're going through difficult times and want to meet up with you, but when they do, you think they're not focusing on you enough and are talking about their own lives.

This is one of those MN threads that could be easily reversed to 'I love my friend, I buy her expensive and thoughtful gifts and always send messages of support when she's going through hard times and want to meet up, but when we meet up, she seems to only want to talk about her struggles and not MY life and then she's annoyed by it. AIBU that this friendship isn't working?'

And nothing she has done is 'toxic' by the way. Even if looked at in the potentially worst way of being self-absorbed sometimes. And if you're thinking that people not meeting your expectation of what you want from a friend is 'toxic' - that's on you.

I agree with @henrythe4th I can’t see that she’s being toxic really. She buys you thoughtful gifts, texted you multiple times to ask how your husbands health is and you describe her as “lovely”. Yes ok she sounds like she’s getting a bit carried away with the holiday photos but surely she is allowed to talk about her life too?

She’s HAS offered you emotional support regarding your husbands health by the sounds of it - multiple times! so I’m not sure what else she’s meant to do? Maybe she doesn’t want to bring you down by constantly bringing it up in person because there’s nothing she can physically do to change or help the situation.

I would consider “toxic” to be behaviours like lying, manipulation, back stabbing, gossiping about you, bad mouthing you to others, being two faced, using you for money etc Not simply being excited about holidays or purchases 🤷🏻‍♀️

Exactly 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

I’m not sure people attract certain types of people in the sense that strangers will pick up on a vibe. But I do think people like you have described, once they have found someone like you, keep you around for the ego boost they get from talking about themselves non stop and being allowed to do so while taking zero interest in the other person. That’s not friendship.

You need to work on your boundaries because these people soon move on if you don’t give them the attention they crave. Also be a bit more discriminating about who you become friends with. You sound lovely. Surround yourself with equally lovely people.

@henrythe4th I appreciate your point of view and you have definitely given me something to think about. I don’t think she is toxic and you are right, she does message me to ask how things are going which is great. However, I really don’t feel like this is a friendship of equals.

She asks how things are going but she isn’t really interested. I send a message saying how things truly are but I get the impression she doesn’t understand or want to. When I talk about things I am doing like decorating, for example, she closes the conversation down instantly by saying “ oh that’s boring” or if I say I am getting my hair done she will say “oh I wouldn’t pay that” and that’s the end of the conversation. When I talk about anything she is busy looking at her watch or answering a message. But she wants me to listen to her. This isn’t having a conversation, it’s only one way. I feel uncomfortable talking about how much money she is spending. I stop telling her anything as I feel like its inconsequential.

So where I agree with your message in part, would anyone want to continue this one sided friendship, really?

I don’t want to hog the conversation or dominate it but I do want to be heard sometimes. My Father has been in hospital for 3 months, been in ICU twice and been at end of life twice. She has messaged me 3 times about it and when we met up, she couldn’t have been less interested.

Yes I believe you can attract a certain type. I have experienced it throughout my life.

Good genuine friends of mine have said it’s because those types of people sense that I am a gentle, kind person, a listener and someone you can rely on. And, I hate to say it but that my boundaries are too weak 😬
I have done a lot of work around said boundaries and as I’ve got older I’ve got better at spotting the person who is happy to trample all over me. I’ve cut people out of my life and although it’s still hard you can improve this.

I’m sorry about your dad OP 💐

So where I agree with your message in part, would anyone want to continue this one sided friendship, really?

But you have continued it- isnt that the point? you have continued a friendship you claim is one sided and participated in it for years. Thats not "attracting toxic people" thats continuing a friendship with someone you dont actually want to be friends with and that was your choice to do so.

agree with Silentassassin.
why are you wasting time and attention on all this nonsense.
you are a grown woman with a daughter.
and written about it here in such detail.
it's as if you want to have something to complain about.
sorry if that sounds severe, but really, what are you doing, and why.
it reminds me of the way schoolgirls talk.
make the most of your life and the people who matter.
life is brief.

@silentassassin I absolutely have and you are absolutely right!

@benefitstaxcredithelp thanks for your kind words. I think what is happening in my life right now has made me realise a few things and have a tough word with myself. I appreciate peoples differences, we are not all the same or act the same way, but there has to be some mutual respect there if we are to be friends surely? I don’t want to feel uncomfortable in a friends presence or try to make excuses for not seeing them.

Sometimes you just come to a point where you won’t take any cr@p anymore. A combination of age and experience. You sound like you’re there. Especially with what you are experiencing with your DF.

Yes there absolutely does have to be mutual respect and the relationship should be balanced, not one-sided.

You say you don’t want to feel uncomfortable in a person’s presence but sometimes you need that discomfort as it’s your body/your instincts sending you a strong message. It’s a really useful tool. The body never lies ❤️

@benefitstaxcredithelp thank you.