Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To tell my 7 year old that his dad doesn’t want to see him…

35 replies

Flingbling · 25/08/2024 21:50

I’m struggling with an age appropriate way of saying to DS (7) that his dad isn’t overly interested in seeing him.

split 2 years ago, ex used to see both of my children every fortnight for the weekend. 2 nights. He has made my life utter hell in the process but I haven’t let on to the kids or said a bad word. Recently I’ve started to recieve CMS for the first time and my ex is now refusing to have them overnight or on a schedule but will text and demand to see them for an hour or so at a time every fortnight to 4 weeks. He says that I have ruined his mental health 🙄 and financially ruined him so cannot see his children anymore. We have a younger child together also but she is entirely unaffected but my son (suspected ASD) is a very thoughtful, linear and emotional little boy. Recently he’s been really struggling with the concept that his dad (who he loves entirely) isn’t around and is taking it out on me. I’ve never said a bad word about his dad to him but when his dad does show up (for about 2 hours every couple of weeks) his behaviour is awful for the next 3/4 days. He’s so serious, he pushes boundaries and asks questions like why I hate his dad and made him leave?

I’ve tried to have an age appropriate chat and explain that his dad loves him very much and to try and discuss his emotions but it does nothing. I’m debating whether to (age appropriately) explain that his dad isn’t able to be around and it’s not DS’s fault and is his dad’s choice. I think he’s desperate for an answer as to why his dads not around and I don’t know how to explain it in an appropriate way?

little bit more info so as not to drip feed. I have tried to make a schedule but ex ignores any correspondence to do so.

OP posts:

XChrome · 25/08/2024 23:58

Flingbling · 25/08/2024 23:10

@XChrome this is a very good take. I think I might see if I can speak to a therapist, I’ll speak to his new school first and see if they have any suggestions as I was hoping to start his SEN diagnosis (his previous school started an assessment but weren’t great) he is an extremely literal boy. I have to be careful with what I say, even saying I’ll do something in a minute leads him to count to 60 seconds which is one of the reasons we suspect he has ASD.

I think his dad love bombs him when he does see him and then the radio silence after is such a conflicting thing. I’m not sure what his dad says to him as he tends to seize up if I ask him too much of what he’s done. His dad is very resentful and blames me for anything that goes wrong in his life and I’m pretty sure he’s told him not to tell me what they do so I don’t so he doesn’t feel torn. He will tell me snippets and I’ll ask questions pertaining to that comment but not much more unless he offers it otherwise I can almost feel him tense up.

I get this. I'm on the spectrum myself and have had to learn to let go of trying to understand the reason for everything people do. I also have had to learn not to take everything too literally. Hopefully your son will get a better handle on it when he is older, especially if he gets some help with it.

Your ex certainly sounds like a weakass, narcissistic little bitch. My sympathies.

amispeakingintongues · 26/08/2024 00:01

Flossyts · 25/08/2024 23:21

Because it’s not their phone because they are 7 years old. It is a house phone that they can use. You tell them up front you can see their messages.
surely you’d be mental to not monitor a 7 year old phone usage?

Show quote history

Ok so it sends actual messages? Confused me with the “dumb phone” thing. But cool, i’m all for contact where possible.

Noseybookworm · 26/08/2024 00:19

Flingbling · 25/08/2024 22:54

I’ll have a look into play therapy. Last year I was in communication with his school and we can bi-monthly chats with the SEN team to see how he’s doing and I would report to the teacher every month or so just so he had an outlet other than me. Obviously haven’t been able to do that in the summer but he’s off to a new school in September and they’ve got a great ofsted and verbal reviews from people I’ve spoken to. I’ve been to the GP about general anxiety and explained about how his dad isn’t very consistent hoping for some sort of a refferal but they just gave me a leaflet??? Would I look into play therapy privately?

Show quote history

I'm not sure to be honest. It should be available on the NHS bit realistically waiting lists are probably long 😔 lots of GP practices have a mental health practitioner attached now so they might be a good source of information.

savethatkitty · 26/08/2024 00:52

Is it true?
Is it kind?
Is it necessary?

If the answer to any of those is yes, then tell him.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

Meadowfinch · 26/08/2024 01:00

Goldbar · 25/08/2024 22:19

It might be the wrong thing but I would go with something like his dad loves him very much but some people aren't very good at the practical side of being parents - being organised, turning up, remembering important stuff (and you could give him some examples of all the things that parents have to do) and maybe his dad is one of those people.

This. Make it clear that daddy just isn't much good at being a parent, and emphasise that it's not your ds' fault in any way.

DinosaurMunch · 05/11/2024 10:43

Is telling him his dad loves him helpful? Or true? If his dad actually loved him he'd see him wouldn't he. Surely it's more confusing to be told that. It's very difficult.

Illpickthatup · 05/11/2024 11:07

I wouldn't say anything to your DS. It sounds like he's already struggling with the lack of contact with his dad so telling him his dad actually isn't interested isn't going to make things any better. He probably already knows his dad isn't interested. In the same respect, don't make excuses for his dad. Keep things factual. "Why has dad cancelled again?" "I don't know darling. Shall we go to the park or do something fun together?".

He's pushing boundaries with you because he wants to see if you'll abandon him too. I know it must be hard to be on the receiving end but continue to shower him with love whilst still having some boundaries regarding what is acceptable and not acceptable behaviour wise. Sadly you can't control how his father shows up for his child. All you can do is continue to be the constant in his life and support him as best as possible.

AncientAndModern1 · 05/11/2024 11:15

amispeakingintongues · 25/08/2024 23:19

? How do you explain this to the child when they grow up? It's total betrayal from the one parent they have left to trust.

Sorry but this is an awful suggestion.

Show quote history

Dumb phone as in opposite to smartphone so doesn’t connect to the internet. Not a dummy/fake phone.

PassingStranger · 05/11/2024 11:37

Surely hus dad should be telling him, if he has changed the arrangements, what a coward leaving it to you.
Also agree with others, don't say the words he dosent want to see you.

Lifestooshort71 · 05/11/2024 12:05

My grandson's dad has never been a kind man and he used to suffer after every visit. His primary school had a wonderful woman who used to give him 121 once a week in a special room with sand and toys and books. I think he loved her! Anyway, it seemed to help him work stuff out and got him through the worst of it. Perhaps your school has a similar system?

Flip

1 2