To tell my 7 year old that his dad doesn’t want to see him…

[Flingbling]

I’m struggling with an age appropriate way of saying to DS (7) that his dad isn’t overly interested in seeing him.

split 2 years ago, ex used to see both of my children every fortnight for the weekend. 2 nights. He has made my life utter hell in the process but I haven’t let on to the kids or said a bad word. Recently I’ve started to recieve CMS for the first time and my ex is now refusing to have them overnight or on a schedule but will text and demand to see them for an hour or so at a time every fortnight to 4 weeks. He says that I have ruined his mental health 🙄 and financially ruined him so cannot see his children anymore. We have a younger child together also but she is entirely unaffected but my son (suspected ASD) is a very thoughtful, linear and emotional little boy. Recently he’s been really struggling with the concept that his dad (who he loves entirely) isn’t around and is taking it out on me. I’ve never said a bad word about his dad to him but when his dad does show up (for about 2 hours every couple of weeks) his behaviour is awful for the next 3/4 days. He’s so serious, he pushes boundaries and asks questions like why I hate his dad and made him leave?

I’ve tried to have an age appropriate chat and explain that his dad loves him very much and to try and discuss his emotions but it does nothing. I’m debating whether to (age appropriately) explain that his dad isn’t able to be around and it’s not DS’s fault and is his dad’s choice. I think he’s desperate for an answer as to why his dads not around and I don’t know how to explain it in an appropriate way?

little bit more info so as not to drip feed. I have tried to make a schedule but ex ignores any correspondence to do so.

This sounds really tricky. I would perhaps focus on trying to empathise with his feelings so he feels heard and try not to explain it away as it doesn't sound like there is a good reason? Mental health and financial problems are not a reason to not see your children (unless the MH are severe, which i assume isnt the case?). I think you are right to try and create a schedule, i would keep trying that and dont let ex see them at random times.

Really tough one. Don't have personal experience of this, but possibly look at some play therapy/family therapy to help your son. His school maybe able to support as well - keep them in the loop.
Your son is understandably lashing out at you because he is hurting and you are his safe place to do this. Also wonder what his dad might be saying to him when they do meet.
Are there any other men who he is close to that he could see regularly to have a solid male role model around?
Just keep talking and reassuring him.
Good luck

This is hard. I think you need to try and explain it in a way that puts the issue on the dad and not on your son (which it sounds like you're trying to do) but it's not easy!
Perhaps explaining it in a way about how being a parent means doing lots of different jobs - like going to work to earn money, cleaning the house, looking after yourself, looking after children, buying and cooking food etc etc. And that a really hard part of the job of being a parent is finding a way to do all of those different jobs, and that his dad isn't very good at doing that. That way you can sort of explain about the fluctuations ie sometimes he's better at it but he doesn't manage to do it all the time. That's why he lives with you because you're better at fitting in all those different parent jobs.

There might be flaws in that explanation, just thinking out loud but something that takes the emotion out of it a little bit?

When DDs bio dad stopped seeing her, I took the blame. He doesn't like me, he would have to see me, and he doesn't want to.
Then as she got older I told her more of the truth but maintained that I was provably a barrier to his contact with her over telling her that he was a deadbeat who couldn't be bothered.

What I would do, is make time special between you two, discuss things if he wants to, build him up in his confidence, tell him how loved and important he is.
If he continues to feel bad, please seek counselling. DD went over her relationship (or lack of) with her dad in counselling a few years ago, and was helpful

Oh gosh - I don't know what to suggest. Been through similar myself when ds's mostly absent dad decided he no longer wanted anything to do with ds when he was 12. I think that ultimately I was more upset by the cruelty of it than ds.

Ds is actually fine about it (from every observing person I've asked besides me) the one thing I do not and will not do is slag off his dad to him - no matter what a complete tosser I think he is. Ds is now 22.

It might be the wrong thing but I would go with something like his dad loves him very much but some people aren't very good at the practical side of being parents - being organised, turning up, remembering important stuff (and you could give him some examples of all the things that parents have to do) and maybe his dad is one of those people.

I would steer clear of saying to a 7 year old that his dad ‘chooses’ not to see him for fear this might crush him.

For now I’d perhaps say something vaguer, like that dad loves him very much but can’t see him as often (but it’s dad’s loss as he’s missing out on such a great son). But there are other dads that see their kids very rarely, e.g. sailors, busy businessmen, or soldiers. So that he doesn’t feel like there is something wrong with him or he is the odd one out.

My mother made it very clear to me when my dad left (I was similar age) that ‘he chose to abandon us’ and I’m afraid it’s scarred me for life. It’s very likely that your son is already struggling with his self-esteem (‘other dads want to see their kids, what’s wrong with me?’ sort of thing) and if you confirm he’s been rejected by his own father, it’s going to hurt him even more.

He will figure it out gradually, as his understanding of the world gets better with age. How he handles it depends on many things.

I’m no expert part from my one-off ‘lived experience’, so perhaps it’s worth speaking to a developmental psychologist just to be sure how to address this?

Also, like someone has already said, any positive male role models would be really beneficial for your son. Even if it’s a teacher or a family friend. Or even a historical figure he can admire. Otherwise he’s likely to go looking for them on his own when he’s a bit older and what he finds might not be so good.

I agree with the male role model thing - do you have any male friends or husbands/partners of your female friends/school mum friends who would take your son out with their children every now and then and give him some attention, praise him, roughhouse with him, that sort of thing?

Yes - as @Goldbar says always state how much the dad loves them.

And it's true, when a woman gets rid of an abusive partner, when nothing else works the abuser will then hurt their ex-partner through their dc.

Stupid fuckers - in the end they just hurt themselves.

Word it like some people can't ride bikes., some can't do great sums. Some grown ups can't be good daddy's... I have never had a relationship with my df.. His loss. I have never been arsed. Wasn't because I wasn't good enough.. It was because he wasn't... Don't make it personal saying he doesn't want to see HIM..

Just get as many people as you can in your son's life taking an interest in him and telling him how wonderful he is. Don't be afraid to ask for help from others - if he's a clever, sensitive little boy, he might well think "you're just saying that because you're my mum" so having additional input from others might be helpful to reinforce his confidence.

I'm not sure it is that his dad doesn't want to see him- isn't it more than his mental health is too bad? Could you say his dad isn't feeling too well and can't see him at the moment? Would they be able to WhatsApp to keep in contact?

Thankyou everyone, this is all food for thought. I’ve tried to explain it to him as ‘I’m not sure why but unfortunately his dad isn’t as present in his life as he’s not great at it.’ My son unfortunately struggles with not having a straight answer about things and likes to push boundaries until he’s satisfying (the tooth fairy and Father Christmas has been a nightmare to navigate especially with DD who is well and truly a believer 😂) he has a wonderful relationship with his granddad as he is my child care 4 days a week when I work and he makes special ‘boy time’ where they just go together and try and chat. I’ve been trying to keep him up a little bit later than DD too so he can talk about things if he wants as he’s more amenable at lights out. I’ve even bought a few books on how families are not all linear and all differ and pointed out some of his friends who have differences in their families to him so he can feel a bit more understood.

I’ve sent their dad 3 messages in a week trying to arrange when he can see them, I offered to drive them over and given all days were free and available. I’ve sent im a text basically saying that I don’t think he’s doing enough and our son is struggling emotionally (very politely).’ The response that I got is why haven’t I phoned him when he’s crying as hell always be there for him 🙄. I’ve then tried to explain how I am looking after his children full time and I cannot be on call 24/7 to pester him to be a dad and he’s said some spiel about he’s always respectful and I’m letting myself down by not being able to communicate effectively so it’s back to the drawing board on that one

I would go with the line of Daddy isn't feeling too well and is only able to see him when he can at the moment. As annoying as it is to have your ex not sticking to a schedule for seeing them, try and facilitate it as much as you can - for your son's sake, not for the ex. If you feel your son is really struggling, try and find some psychological support for him. Play therapy can be really good for encouraging him to explore his feelings.

Without getting too much into the nitty gritty their dad has used poor mental health as a get out of jail free card for the entire time that I knew him. I stayed resentfully for many years under the guise that if I left he would do something but have realised that it is all a complete farce

I’ll have a look into play therapy. Last year I was in communication with his school and we can bi-monthly chats with the SEN team to see how he’s doing and I would report to the teacher every month or so just so he had an outlet other than me. Obviously haven’t been able to do that in the summer but he’s off to a new school in September and they’ve got a great ofsted and verbal reviews from people I’ve spoken to. I’ve been to the GP about general anxiety and explained about how his dad isn’t very consistent hoping for some sort of a refferal but they just gave me a leaflet??? Would I look into play therapy privately?

Here's the thing. Your son is experiencing cognitive dissonance. While he's being told he is loved by his father, the father's behaviour is showing that not to be so.
Therefore I would not assure him that his father loves him. It's only confusing him.
I would also question if his father is being emotionally abusive to the child based on his behavior after he sees his dad. Could you take him to a therapist to try to determine that?

I think it's okay to admit to your son that you don't know why his dad behaves the way he does.
You don't need to have all the answers, you just need to keep being the sane, safe parent. Let him know he can talk about how he feels about his dad and don't disagree with him if he says his dad does not act like he loves him. He is seeing evidence that tells him this and you should not invalidate the truth of his observations.

Can you go through the court to sort out a proper schedule? It is the random dropping in and out that is causing the issues, so if ex is being flaky, try to pin his contact down to regular slots. Good luck

@XChrome this is a very good take. I think I might see if I can speak to a therapist, I’ll speak to his new school first and see if they have any suggestions as I was hoping to start his SEN diagnosis (his previous school started an assessment but weren’t great) he is an extremely literal boy. I have to be careful with what I say, even saying I’ll do something in a minute leads him to count to 60 seconds which is one of the reasons we suspect he has ASD.

I think his dad love bombs him when he does see him and then the radio silence after is such a conflicting thing. I’m not sure what his dad says to him as he tends to seize up if I ask him too much of what he’s done. His dad is very resentful and blames me for anything that goes wrong in his life and I’m pretty sure he’s told him not to tell me what they do so I don’t so he doesn’t feel torn. He will tell me snippets and I’ll ask questions pertaining to that comment but not much more unless he offers it otherwise I can almost feel him tense up.

Would it be appropriate for him to have a ‘dumb phone’ and let him text his dad? Not the same as seeing him, but at least it’s something. You could of course monitor the messages. In our house we have a mobile phone as a house phone (so I have full access to it).

What's best for your son? To think that his dad loves him but can't see him due to living on an oil rig or to know the truth and pain and rejection?

Please don't tell your son that his dad doesn't want to see him, even if its true. It is so damaging for him to even consider that, let alone hear that. So please don't say it as he will likely take it out on you anyway.

Say something like how some dads find it easier than others to be good dads. But even though his dad is rubbish, he still loves him. And that you're sorry he treats him this way, and of course he deserves better. But unfortunately some people in life can upset us. And that you will do all you can to love and support him.

If your ex has said he’s got mental health problems then you could tell your DS that he’s got a poorly head that’s affecting his emotions and thoughts and he’s too sick to see his family at the moment.

? How do you explain this to the child when they grow up? It's total betrayal from the one parent they have left to trust.

Sorry but this is an awful suggestion.

Because it’s not their phone because they are 7 years old. It is a house phone that they can use. You tell them up front you can see their messages.
surely you’d be mental to not monitor a 7 year old phone usage?