struggling with new baby

[blueandgreen247]

not really an AIBU but posting here as feeling desperate for advice/support.

I will try keep it really pecise and try not to drip feed.

I have a 6 year old son with autism from previous relationship. My partner had a 7 year old son with autism and severe learning difficulties from his previous. We share a 4 month old baby.

I am trying to figure out what the best way forward is regarding our set up. I own my own home and live here with my 2 sons. Partner has his own home where he stays when he has his son. Both homes are adapted for our disabled children. When we decided to have our baby I didnt have my sons diagnosis this is very recent so feel really sad as I didn't realise what his needs would be and how having a baby would impact him so significantly.

I am really struggling and family and friends are just not helpful with a solution as they just say they couldn't do it. I feel like I cant either but I cant let my children down and dont have a choice.

Im really struggling at the moment with both children. 4 month old doesnt sleep much. Naps about 40 mins in total a day and sleeps for 2 hours at night then wakes for a feed. I can't eat because he screams when put down so im sleep deprived and feel so on edge and anxious when it comes to eating food as I rush it all then binge eat at night. Im puting on so much weight. I cant wash often as I dont feel I can leave him as he then cries and rolls around and I get scared hel suffocate. I cant excercise as my oldest son struggles with walks and he just wants to be home at the moment. He doesnt sleep well either due to his disability and is up for hours at a time each night. He gets so upset and hurts himself because he just wants some attention and at the moment I feel hes been taking a back seat as i have no energy with the baby who is pretty much always in my arms. My home is so unclean i have no time to clean and it gets me down.

Babys dad comes to mine after work Monday - Thursday but not until 6pm by this time baby is awake around and hour then sleeps. In this time i rush to eat, sort eldest out and then go to sleep when eldest is asleep around 9pm. I am exhausted. im up every morning so 4.30ish and broken sleep all night. partner cant do night feeds as baby is breast fed. He has his son every friday to sunday at his and we take the kids out but responsibility of the baby falls on me as his son is more complex than mine and needs constant supervision as his understanding is of a 2 year old. no danger awareness etc. This makes it really hard for me as i have no help on weekends and feel like a single parent and that i am drowning at the moment.

We tried to live together which worked when we was a 4 some but then found out my son had autism too while i was pregnant. He didnt seem bad until baby was born as i guess he had 1:1 attention from me so his needs were met adequately and he didnt struggle. since having the baby hes regressed so much so that we decided to live apart so he could have his space and less pressure on him with another child whos sensory needs clash with his for example his son is non verbal and loves loud noises my son is verbal and hates noise so they just annoy one another and fight. My son never had this issue but the baby making noise i.e. crying makes him more sensitive snd now finds any noises very hard.

Anyway now i am really struggling because i am basicay doing it all. My family cannot help as siblings all have young children and parents are elderly.

Can anyone suggest what we can do to make this work and be more fair for me?

I suggested to my partner to change some work hours so in the week he can help even for one day so i can sleep and eat while baby is occupied.

My mental health is so bad. I regref having this baby and my heart hurts feeling this way.

Please offer advice with no hurtful comments as I am really low.

Also to add my eldest sons dad doesnt see him.since he was diagnosed be doesnt want a disabled son he said. Before he would go there on most weekends so we had a good set up. So much has changed. Also my partner
has his son every half term as his mum works in a school so helps him. This summer hes doing 3 weeks 1 week on 1 week off. I am reallt strugling with the weeks he isnt here.

Thanks in advance.

I'm really sorry.

Just practical stuff - you need to be able to eat and shower. Get some soft mats (I use the ikea changing mat) and put one on the bathroom floor and one in the kitchen. Baby lies there while you shower and cook. Either that or a bouncer, or in due course when he's upright, a bumbo seat or jumparoo. You've got to end this need of constantly carrying him.

For your older one, get him some over-ear ear defenders to block out the crying. My dc1 loved wearing hers when our newborn was crying.

Just re-read and he's rolling already. Bouncer it is! Strap him in facing the shower and have that shower. Ditto in the kitchen. If you can afford it (they're dirt cheap second hand), buy two bouncers and have one in bathroom, one in kitchen

Thank you for replying. I do have mats and bouncer etc but baby cries and it sends my anxiety through the roof..He gets so hot and sweaty and then rolls over and is all over the place in a mess I just cant leave him like that. I tried ear defenders but my son has issued with anything over his ears, inside them etc he just hits himself in the face when he gets over whelmed at the noise. Hes had to stay with my parents for the past few nights as baby has a cold and cries so much..I feel bad for parents as my sons quite challenging and sad that I have to send him away too.

As for getting out for walks, would a double buggy be an option if the 4 year old doesn’t like walking much.

4 months is a really hard age, I also remember not being able to do much for myself at that point. It will get easier and the start to entertain themselves for very small periods of time.

My eldest is 6. I was looking at sen pushchairs but I cant find one that has an older child and baby seat. Its a really hard situation I called social services for a reassessment but they were quite adamant before that I am not seen as in need enough to qualify for help.

Sorry if this is obvious but are you overdressing the baby if he's hot and sweaty? A 4 month old shouldn't be regularly sweaty ideally. If he's too warmly dressed that might explain why he won't drop off for naps.

Can dc1 sit on the floor with the baby in his lap, in the same room as you, while you have a meal or shower? I mean when the baby is in a good mood. My 4yo is happy to do this for short periods (but long enough for me to have a body shower). I have to talk/sing to them but at least I have a moment with both hands free

Would a buggy board help so you can go walking ? Or would he ride a scooter. Does the six year old go to school ? There is medication the doctor can give children with autism to make them sleep. I really hope things settle down as the baby gets older things should get easier and your son will adjust to having to share the attention. Really sorry things are so hard for you right now 💐

Can you use your carrier instead of your pushchair for your baby? Putting the baby on your back will keep them safe, free your hands to do things, and you can cook/eat. You can also go for walks with the SEN pushchair. I have a similar gap between two of my DC and the younger one spent lots of time being held in the carrier on my back, where they couldn’t get into mischief and were close to me so my anxiety didn’t spike so hard as I knew they had me right there. Can you play calling white noise using phone app or Alexa if older one will tolerate? Smoothed out the sounds without anything in his ears possibly. You might try different ones to see if there is one he likes. Could any of this help?

This sounds hard on everyone.

Just quick practical thoughts which may or may not be useful...

Do you have a sling? I found baby napped better and was content in sling and left my hands free

Does your son have a sensory sooth box? To avoid the self harm or help when baby is kicking off could he have a pop up tent with a Tonie or white box machine, blanket etc to take himself to?

I understand completely the desire to breastfeed but is baby totally bottle refusing? At 4 months you can look at introducing a doidy or sippy cup so he can get used to it and at least will allow others to have him for a bit of time?

In terms of cleaning is that something you could ask your partner to do late over a couple of weeknights? It's not the priority and it really doesn't matter. In terms of food you need to eat, not getting proper nutrition will worsen your anxiety, can you even just do a frozen food shop for things you can put in the oven or some microwave meals for you for a bit?

I think you need to show this post to your Health Visitor. This is too much for one person. Let the Health Visiting team arrange some support for you depending on their local budgets and arrangements. I have been through some tough times myself but your situation is really challenging, no wonder you are struggling. Please discuss with the Health Visiting team. Please don't worry about being referred to Social Services. You sound like a good mum in an extremely tight spot who just needs a bit of help to ride out this very challenging period. Health Visitors can arrange things like a priority nursery place for a baby at 9 months amongst many other things. Please approach them

I say this with kindness but you don’t just “find out” your son has autism. You say he has a diagnosis, but he would have been on a waiting list for years. You made a decision to have a baby knowing there was at least one severely disabled child and another suspected one, so you will have had an idea that this would be very hard. I’m not saying this to be a dick, I’m saying it to remind you that you actively chose that it would be worth it - and it still will be. You can do this because, like you said, you have no choice. Your partner needs to step up; remind him that if he is unable to help you look after the baby when you’re all together at the weekend, then he will find it a lot harder when you leave him and he has the baby by himself every other weekend. Because the relationship will not last unless he steps up.

You are doing ok. It’s so hard. Lack of sleep is the absolute worst. Don’t feel bad if you need to switch to bottle feeds so that your partner can do feeds in the night so you can sleep. Practice some deep breathing techniques to help you get through a shower whilst the baby cries. Soups in a flask to keep you fed throughout the day until you find it a bit easier to sit down for a proper meal. Your son has been with family for a few nights - can you ask them if they can take him one morning a week whilst your partner takes his two children out (put the baby in a carrier).

I hope this starts to get easier for you soon.

Sorry got my wires crossed.

Could you get one just for an older child and baby wear the 4 month old?

People will probably chew me out, but as a last resort put a bit of hey bear or miss rachel. Not saying for hours but for 20 minutes a day while you shower won’t cause any harm.

I would just say from the post its difficult to tell if partner needs to 'step up' or not. It sounds like he is always working or looking after the kids. I don't think things are a bed of roses for him either.

Can you look into respite care? Your local authority may be the best ones to try. Some kids with disabilities can have a personal assistant to take them out for things like activities etc. I'm not all that clued up as to going about it though so your local autism trust (for us in kent it's the Kent autistic trust) will know what to do

Practical things - for your oldest and your stepson, you need to request a disability social worker to start the process for funded carer payments.

I presume your partner’s child attends specialist school? Usually the TAs will do PA work at weekends and holidays?

Get the SEN buggy and wear the baby in a sling.

There’s no easy way to say what I need to say next, but if you have a child with autism, there is a higher likelihood genetically that subsequent children will also have autism. As there is autism on both sides of your baby’s family tree there is a raised possibility of SEN. This means that things could continue to be challenging in terms of behaviour all round so it’s really important to act now and ask for all the help there is - Sure Start, inclusion support service, DLA etc.

I’m sorry if that sounds harsh - I have to be honest - I have a 7yo DS who sounds much like your partner’s DS - LDs, non-verbal, constant close supervision needed etc and I am just really surprised that anyone would choose to have another child in those circumstances - did you and your partner discuss the genetic risks beforehand?

baby carrier for the baby, you can do housework while they are strapped to you, they will usually nap with the movement, you will have 2 free hands to make snacks, tidy up.. for showers, get in and out as fast as you can while baby in cot!

Can you create a little den for 6yo in his room, buy some sound proofing insulation panels like they use in recording studios (they are just foam inexpensive) cosy lighting, sensory stuff. a tent to go over his bed or cosy area under a mid sleeper he can escape to?

weird a father would disown a child after a diagnosis, surely the child is the exact same before and after a diagnosis is given? Your poor boy!! How is he at school? Does he get autism support, have you applied for disability support for him to help meet his needs?

Sending you strength, you can do it for yourself and your kids 🙌

I hadn't actually thought about this. I think its been hot lately so he has only been in vests but he seems to get so worked up when put in his bouncer or swinging seat he is like sticky when I pick him up so he could be too warm. I couldn't leave baby with his brother unattended the thought scares me too much.

Hes a bit tall for a buggy board but someone suggested a sling with the baby and eldest in pushchair although..He had a cart I used to pull him round in but hes quote big now so that would probably hurt my back. As for mediation I have an appointment booked for a few weeks time for this. His diagnosis is so new that im stil trying to get my head round it but hoepfully melatonin can help.

I fell pregnant before his diagnosis and honestly his behavior was not anything like it has been in the past 6 months hes just regressed and I didnt actually think he had autism because he was fine with me at home. I think having 1:1 attention at all times was a different environment to what as have now so actually had I known he would have this much of a struggle I wouldn't have chosen to have another. He was referred in September when he started school and his diagnosis was in June this year so it was a quick turn around and I was already 2 months pregnant. Also his sons mothers side have a lot of family with autism there are no other people in my partners family with it so it wasn't something we thought our baby would have.

My partner is doing all he can to be honest I think i expected id be the babies main carer as I thought my son is more capable than his. If i knew my son would be struggling this much I wouldn't have had a baby. Its very unfortunate and I am really down about my decision.

You made the decision for a reason and even though it is so hard, that doesn’t mean you made the wrong choice. You’re really in the trenches at the moment - having a four month old is hard! Having a disabled child is hard! Having both is hard! You’re allowed to find it hard. But they are your tiny people who you made from scratch and even if you’re in survival mode right now, you’ll get through it. It’s such early days for your older child to get his head around this change. You need as much support as possible for someone to look after your youngest so you can have 1:1 time with your eldest as a priority.

And although you say you expected to do it all yourself because his child’s needs weee greater than your child’s needs, the situation has now changed so it’s fair that the setup changes too. He does need to be able to look after both of his children.

I think more than needing to have time away from the kids we need coping tools and just advice on how to balance things. My partner loves having his son and would not put him into resbite. I aslo think my son would not be comfortable being sent away. I have had somd good suggestions on here to try like white noise on alexa, sensory things for my son to try etc son I will exhaust these options first. We wanted his son to have a family so he always has people around him and of course love eachother and made a decision together. I think his son having LD is what makes it harder and we didn't think its likely to happen again. Austim can be more common in siblings however and I admit I was naive because I thought if my son is autistic hes absolutely fine to me so I wasn't worried. I think he behaved d different in a school environments hence their referral but at home he always seemed typical to me. Now however its all surfacing and I very much regret my nativity.

His dad is an arsehole from the minute i mentioned possible autism he rejected it..He doesn't believe in it and has decided since i had a baby he doesn't want to see his son. I think he's punishing me for having a baby tbh.

Just wanted to say I have two and the age gap is almost exactly the same. Older one is autistic and she found the first few months really hard due to the crying. Newborn and little baby cries are so hard to hear and as you say are extremely anxiety inducing! But things got so much better after that and their bond is amazing. They wind each other up of course but get on really well a lot of the time and my eldest has learnt a lot of social and play stuff from her little sister. They’re 3.5 and 9.5 now. It will get better soon I’m sure! As others have said 4 months is so hard.

I know my eldest needs me so much right now it breaks my heart. I feel like iv let them both down so much. Im sat with baby crying now and I know hel wake my eldest son any minute. Im so depressed that things have gone so rapidly down hill.