struggling with new baby

[blueandgreen247]

not really an AIBU but posting here as feeling desperate for advice/support.

I will try keep it really pecise and try not to drip feed.

I have a 6 year old son with autism from previous relationship. My partner had a 7 year old son with autism and severe learning difficulties from his previous. We share a 4 month old baby.

I am trying to figure out what the best way forward is regarding our set up. I own my own home and live here with my 2 sons. Partner has his own home where he stays when he has his son. Both homes are adapted for our disabled children. When we decided to have our baby I didnt have my sons diagnosis this is very recent so feel really sad as I didn't realise what his needs would be and how having a baby would impact him so significantly.

I am really struggling and family and friends are just not helpful with a solution as they just say they couldn't do it. I feel like I cant either but I cant let my children down and dont have a choice.

Im really struggling at the moment with both children. 4 month old doesnt sleep much. Naps about 40 mins in total a day and sleeps for 2 hours at night then wakes for a feed. I can't eat because he screams when put down so im sleep deprived and feel so on edge and anxious when it comes to eating food as I rush it all then binge eat at night. Im puting on so much weight. I cant wash often as I dont feel I can leave him as he then cries and rolls around and I get scared hel suffocate. I cant excercise as my oldest son struggles with walks and he just wants to be home at the moment. He doesnt sleep well either due to his disability and is up for hours at a time each night. He gets so upset and hurts himself because he just wants some attention and at the moment I feel hes been taking a back seat as i have no energy with the baby who is pretty much always in my arms. My home is so unclean i have no time to clean and it gets me down.

Babys dad comes to mine after work Monday - Thursday but not until 6pm by this time baby is awake around and hour then sleeps. In this time i rush to eat, sort eldest out and then go to sleep when eldest is asleep around 9pm. I am exhausted. im up every morning so 4.30ish and broken sleep all night. partner cant do night feeds as baby is breast fed. He has his son every friday to sunday at his and we take the kids out but responsibility of the baby falls on me as his son is more complex than mine and needs constant supervision as his understanding is of a 2 year old. no danger awareness etc. This makes it really hard for me as i have no help on weekends and feel like a single parent and that i am drowning at the moment.

We tried to live together which worked when we was a 4 some but then found out my son had autism too while i was pregnant. He didnt seem bad until baby was born as i guess he had 1:1 attention from me so his needs were met adequately and he didnt struggle. since having the baby hes regressed so much so that we decided to live apart so he could have his space and less pressure on him with another child whos sensory needs clash with his for example his son is non verbal and loves loud noises my son is verbal and hates noise so they just annoy one another and fight. My son never had this issue but the baby making noise i.e. crying makes him more sensitive snd now finds any noises very hard.

Anyway now i am really struggling because i am basicay doing it all. My family cannot help as siblings all have young children and parents are elderly.

Can anyone suggest what we can do to make this work and be more fair for me?

I suggested to my partner to change some work hours so in the week he can help even for one day so i can sleep and eat while baby is occupied.

My mental health is so bad. I regref having this baby and my heart hurts feeling this way.

Please offer advice with no hurtful comments as I am really low.

Also to add my eldest sons dad doesnt see him.since he was diagnosed be doesnt want a disabled son he said. Before he would go there on most weekends so we had a good set up. So much has changed. Also my partner
has his son every half term as his mum works in a school so helps him. This summer hes doing 3 weeks 1 week on 1 week off. I am reallt strugling with the weeks he isnt here.

Thanks in advance.

Thank you I really needed to hear this.

Hi, just wanted to let you know that you are now slap bang in the middle of it and it won’t always be like this…
in terms of a practical thing you could do, I would suggest a great sling, which would mean you still have two hands to support your older DS and keep baby comforted and settled next to you. My baby was in there so much when my DS (also autistic) was a toddler. I mean honestly I never used a buggy and she spent all hours next to me - she is fine now and we have a very close relationship ha ha! It meant she was more settled so didn’t cry as much and disturb DS and then I could support him better and read stories with him whilst she was sleeping on me.
also, I would suggest contacting your health visiting team to see what support there is as you are managing A LOT as a new mum.
What sort of things is your DS into? What keeps him occupied for a little bit? If you share this, then people may come up with similar/related ideas which may be helpful

I'm a trained NHS breastfeeding peer supporter and help lots of mums with feeding problems. However the first thing we are taught, is that the Mums mental health is the MOST important thing when considering how to help someone. For someone in your shoes, with everything else going on I would ask you to consider switching to some formula feeds to give yourself a break and a chance for a longer sleep on the times your partner is actually there to help out. You have done absolutely brilliantly to already EBF for the first four months, but continued sleep deprivation isn't going to help any of you, and if you could use get a bit more sleep you will hopefully start to feel a bit better and not so desperate.

Also as other people have suggested - try every avenue for help and support. Try autism charities as well as HV, keep pushing. There is so much help out there that often doesn't get used or accessed because nobody knows about it. Go to your local family hub / children's centre for the health clinic drop in (this is where I volunteer) there are always people there to talk to and might have other ideas about how to help.

Good luck xxx

Thank you I really appriciate all the advice. There are a few things I haven't tried and will have a go with. I think the lack of sleep is a massive factor in why im struggling so moving to formula might be better. I tried expressing but milk doesn't come out which is confusing as he feeds from me and is fine? Also he doesn't take a bottle and gets really agitated when I tried so previously eith formular. Does anyone know if there is a particular bottlebor teat I can try I tried mandela and tommie tippie breast teats.

I also do need to get further support for my son I wil speak to him school when he goes back. At the moment im too over whelmed to dive into contacting agencies etc but maybe the sendco will help.

Thanks everyone!

Hi there I am a registered midwife with 3 years of experience in infant feeding groups as well as a mother of 2 children. I am not at all convinced switching to formula will improve sleep. Breastfed babies can go for more than 2 hours of sleep unless there's a feed to sleep association which the formula is unlikely to break. Add the hassle of making the formula up and the hassle of sterilising the bottles to the mix - and I am struggling to see the benefits of switching to formula. Plus the cost of formula. A dummy might be a better solution- OP might experiment with various dummies and really persevere until her baby accepts one - a dummy is likely to make a difference

Thanks for commenting. I thought this but a lot of people irl have said formula helps. He definately is feeding to sleep and for comfort. He had a dummy a specific brand he liked and I change them every month and always have so last month I changed them as in changed the brand as the others were out of stock and he hated it. Then I got the original brand he liked and now he just refuses a dummy altogether. He wakes every 2 hours at night and I feed him because otherwise he cries. I was told (not by any professional just friends etc) that formula would ensure hed sleep 4-6 hours atleast. I tried to give him formula the issue was he wouldn't take a bottle at all just refused and got wound up. I kept offering after a feed and before too hungry and at different times. Did this for about a week before I gave up. I did want to EBF but I also am desperate to sleep.

I'd just agree that switching to formula isn't going to be a magic solution and I'd be really wary of doing that.
The upside is other people can do the feeds but it sounds like what would actually happen Is it would still be you but you'd be having to go downstairs and sort the bottle out!
My DD was exclusively formula feed from 4 months and I think breastfeeding has extremely limited benefits however in your scenario I think the grass might not be greener.
I said before about introducing a sippy cup or doidy- hopefully then by the time he's weaning he can be left for a few hours with someone else.

I have 2 severely disabled children (extremely close age gap) and here are some practical things I learnt over the years:

• Your stepson (and possibly your eldest, although not likely) will be entitled to respite. Your partner should contact his council for a Social Care needs assessment (I know it's social services but it's slightly different fir disabled children): https://contact.org.uk/help-for-families/information-advice-services/social-care/needs-assessments/ This might give him a bit of space to help you out more. He might be sad that he'll see his oldest son less but needs must.
• Can you bath with your 4mo?
• it took my kids ages to wear ear defenders but they used to use wireless headphones linked to their tablet (less pressure on the head).
• I'd use a SEN pushchair and a baby carrier / sling.
• We used to only really go to SEN specific playgrounds and centres which are normally fully secure and adapted (e.g. look up Thomley SEN playground).
• Have you applied for DLA and Carer's Allowance? You could use some of this to get a cleaner.

I was resistant to respite but my kids love it. They go to a centre for a couple of hours with a few other kids and play games with young, well rested staff. It's exactly like a holiday club. Ours they take them on outings to zoos, playgrounds, swimming...

For sensory equipment to help with coping we like:
Weighted blankets,
Bed tent
Calming lights
Indoor swing you can screw into ceiling

Hi OP how is it going? I remember being so sleep deprived at 7 months I resorted to controlled crying which did work for us (it doesn't always work). As your older child is sensitive to noise it might not be an option for you. Yet being woken up every 2 hours is a horrible experience to go through. Would you consider posting How to break breastfeeding to sleep association under Breastfeeding section? Elizabeth Pantley did write No Cry Sleep Solutions book, however I doubt you have any time on your hands to read a book. Breastfeeding to sleep association is a common problem, you might get some good tips on how to get out of it. I hope it helps

Hello,

I think part of the problem is cosleeping. I cant put him in another room as my eldest wonders and if he goes into his room i worry he may hurt the baby so I need to have him with me. My room unfortunately isnt big enough for any kind of cot so hes in with me still. I havent heard of feed to sleep but il google and look into it when i get a chance. I am really hoping my baby sleeps more soon as it is becoming too over whelming for me with broken sleep. thanks for the advice and suport xx

Baby sling so can you can do stuff whilst holding baby. Take moses basket or a bouncer into the bathroom whilst you wash. If you have a bath, put them in an angel care bath seat and have a shower sitting down (get a tap attachment if you don't have a shower in there). When mine was sitting up I would sit them in a plastic box in the bath with me, between my legs.

Express milk so dad can do some night feeds, or consider combi feeding if it's going to save your sanity!

When you are ready to put baby in a different room, get a catch on a the door that your son can't reach

We had so little furniture when we moved into a new flat with a toddler and a baby that I resorted to putting the baby in the baby bath and placing the bath on the floor to stop our toddler accidentally falling onto the newborn. It worked. Is there a place for the bath on your bed to create a bit of a physical separation? I did a bit of googling on breastfeeding to sleep association. There's plenty of advice written by bottles and formula makers who obviously have a skin in the game. There are ways of stopping feeding to sleep without stopping breastfeeding but you may want to start a different post for advice on how to do it. (I continued breastfeeding after doing a variation of controlled crying - there are gentler methods around). As per my previous post I am not convinced the fluff of making formula and sterilising the bottles is going to be an improvement in your circumstances even if you get your baby to accept the bottle which isn't a given. You also need to factor in the cost of formula and the bottles if you decide to follow this route. I hope it helps