AIBU over friend and new baby?

[oneanddoneee]

Friend had new baby three weeks ago. I've known this friend since age 13 at school, now late 30's, totally different lifestyles for quite a while as I had my children young and she is having hers now whilst my girls are teens, so she travelled extensively and made new friendships. All the time we stayed fairly close though, a few blips along the way as she can pick and choose friends dependent on what they can offer her at that point in time, especially whilst she has had her four children over the last five years, or so I thought. She's never told me she was expecting on any of the four babies until later on, I've always been told at around week 12-16 and a few days after birth she will tell me. Obviously the last few years mine have become a bit older and I've been able to concentrate on my own career and building a better life for my children, which I've done successfully and has meant we have been able to buy our own home etc. As I said she has had her most recent baby and when told I asked if I could come the day after, four days after birth, I was told no but I'd be welcome in a few days. I've tried to engage deeper conversation since but haven't been invited up still. Saw today that they all been for a full day out on Friday , I've still not been to see them and my last message was ignored. I probably sound really selfish, I'm a Mum clearly so I know how the first few weeks can be and I really do understand that. However from previous I know other friends have been invited whilst I've been stood on the doorstep. I don't know if I just need to back off, though I haven't been heavy on either texts or anything else - three in the last week, and just accept that I'm just not a close friend.

Is it important for you to see her as a 'close friend'? Maybe you're putting too much pressure on the relationship & your expectations of it. I think just be patient and let her invite you over in her own time. You've sent the messages so she knows you're thinking of her.

I think it is important to me, yes. We were inseparable whilst at school and this has fluctuated since. She was bridesmaid when I got married and the godparent to one of my Daughters. I do only have a small circle of friends whilst hers is much bigger.

Sometimes you just have to let people go who don't feel the same depth of friendship.

I am being patient and not being pushy, I never have been pushy when any of her children were born but I suppose to be told that she needs time but is ok enough to go on a long day out just makes me feel really hurt. Obviously it's up to her what she does and that is nothing to do with me but I just feel if she is well enough to go out then surely I could have gone to see her or even just drop her card and gift to her.

I think maybe we do feel different depths of friendship. I am a bit rubbish sometimes due to being a single mum and working full time and maybe I haven't been what she wanted as a friend either but I do try my hardest to be emotionally there for her.

When I've had my kids I know I've been happy to spend quality family time together out building new family bonds and integrating a new baby. That doesn't mean I have the same social battery to have someone in my home that I don't see on a regular basis. I'd give her time and if she wants you to visit she will be in touch

She's got 4 kids, she's allowed a day out with them all if she wants one 😳

And she said you can see her new baby in few days, so what on earth is the problem here?

Perhaps she needs that day out more than she needs you. In your case I'd develop some new friendships - people do change over the years however close we may have been when we were younger. I have only one friend from childhood and that's fine. She drives me crazy sometimes so I tend to limit how often we meet up.

This was three weeks ago, like I said I do totally understand having had children myself. Normally we would speak regularly and see each other fortnightly, we have been fairly close over the last 25 years. Happy to accept I'm being unreasonable though and maybe I need to find some new friends who are at a more similar stage of life as myself .

OP I get it, this feeling absolutely sucks. It's hard when you feel a friendship is one thing and the feeling isn't reciprocated especially when you were once close.

I don't think you need to back off completely but try to match her energy. You can't make this something it's not.

Maybe op she's trying to schedule out her visitors so she's not overwhelmed by them all at once? In the first couple of weeks while now ex husband was on paternity we prioritised family and some of his friends so he could be there, and then once he was back to work I had my friends round so I could actually enjoy seeing them and properly catch up at the same time. I think it's normal not to tell anyone you're expecting until after 12 weeks or so. If I'd had my way I'd have waited longer as my pregnancy was high risk - maybe she's cautious about these things.

I think ultimately op you either accept her as what sounds like kind of a private person and just try to focus on yourself and building other friendship and take her for what it is, or you distance yourself.

"she needs time but is ok enough to go on a long day out just makes me feel really hurt. " this is highly unreasonable to be honest. I really struggled with ppa and just felt incredibly vulnerable after ds was born. I needed to get out of the house but only felt confident to do it with my partner at the time. Which is a limited thing given that paternity is short. She's allowed to prioritise taking time as a family unit with her partner and her children over you.

She has a tiny newborn! Give the poor woman a break OP.

If you dont feel the relationship is where you want it to be then maybe back away but I don't think in this instance she is in the wrong.

Also the times that you found out about pregnancies and births sounds normal! Not everybody wants to share everything with everyone right away.

Exactly. OP expecting to see her four days after having a baby is pushy and far too soon.

So she’s got 4 young children including a brand new baby and went out for the day with them and some other people but told you your visit would have to wait til she was more up to it? Do you think she was maybe being realistic about her capabilities? As in, she’d been out for the day with her kids having not long given birth and knew she’d be knackered/have to conserve her energy for that?

You didn't know she was pregnant until after she gave birth - but you see her once a fortnight? Didn't she show? I don't think you're that close really.

I think yabu to be offended when she declined your visit. She's just had a baby! I think you've forgotten how beaten up you can feel after giving birth

I'm a bit confused by the same thing as @Mumoftwo1316

But yes YABU to be offended by a freshly postpartum woman having a family day out just because she declined to meet up with you four days after giving birth!!

Sorry, just reread - so she told you she was pregnant around 12-16 weeks for each baby, and then you found out about the birth a few days after? Is that right?

That sounds totally normal. I don't know what there is to be offended about there

I do understand this feeling as I inexplicably get it too about things but what I have learnt is that it’s not actually a normal or healthy way to be. You have to let her do what’s right for her and you need to try to let things like her having a day out go. Have you read the book Attached? You sound like you may have anxious attachment style which can manifest this way in friendships. I found it very helpful.

As in a few days after birth she would tell me that baby had arrived. I think because she has always been at my house in the 24 hours after I delivered mine I kind of expected that we would do the same. Clearly I'm wrong and will back off.

I also think you need to give her space and see if she contacts you.

surprisingly how quick life goes when you have little kids.

There’s nothing to stop you making new friends and keeping her as a friend - just fill the gaps.

She's never told me she was expecting on any of the four babies until later on

She’s allowed to share her news whenever she wants.

Obviously the last few years mine have become a bit older and I've been able to concentrate on my own career and building a better life for my children, which I've done successfully and has meant we have been able to buy our own home etc.

I don’t really understand the relevance here… Are you comparing yours and your friends situations here? And if so, why? Do you think your friend is picking up on this, and she feels you see her as beneath you?

As I said she has had her most recent baby and when told I asked if I could come the day after, four days after birth, I was told no but I'd be welcome in a few days.

Perfectly reasonable. She’s asserting her boundaries.

Saw today that they all been for a full day out on Friday , I've still not been to see them and my last message was ignored.

Who is ‘they’? Her family? Some other friends?

From an outside perspective you’ve made it very clear that your lives have taken different paths over the years. And that’s completely fine. I get the feeling she doesn’t see you as close as you see her. Which can sting. But I think we need more context into the “few blips along the way”. Any big fall outs? Any nasty words from either party?

If she continues to ignore your messages I’d just sadly accept that the friendship has run its course and you can continue with the better life you’ve made.

Well no, she was at your house 24 hours later because you were clearly ok with that.

Not all people want the same things.

What's the rush anyway? The baby won't be going anywhere.

YANBU
Is be the same but unfortunately not everyone treats us the way we would treat them 🤨

I think it's a bit odd that you are so keen to see her within a few days of giving birth. You've made clear you're excited to meet the baby, which she should appreciate, but don't be pushy.

You sound quite hard work as a friend to be honest. Why does it matter when she told you she's expecting? Why shouldn't she have a day out with her family? She's probably overwhelmed with visitors at the moment and just wants to stagger them a bit. She's got a new baby and 3 other children to look after! You've text her 3 times in a week 😬 I'd just back off for a bit and give her some space!