AIBU over friend and new baby?

[oneanddoneee]

Friend had new baby three weeks ago. I've known this friend since age 13 at school, now late 30's, totally different lifestyles for quite a while as I had my children young and she is having hers now whilst my girls are teens, so she travelled extensively and made new friendships. All the time we stayed fairly close though, a few blips along the way as she can pick and choose friends dependent on what they can offer her at that point in time, especially whilst she has had her four children over the last five years, or so I thought. She's never told me she was expecting on any of the four babies until later on, I've always been told at around week 12-16 and a few days after birth she will tell me. Obviously the last few years mine have become a bit older and I've been able to concentrate on my own career and building a better life for my children, which I've done successfully and has meant we have been able to buy our own home etc. As I said she has had her most recent baby and when told I asked if I could come the day after, four days after birth, I was told no but I'd be welcome in a few days. I've tried to engage deeper conversation since but haven't been invited up still. Saw today that they all been for a full day out on Friday , I've still not been to see them and my last message was ignored. I probably sound really selfish, I'm a Mum clearly so I know how the first few weeks can be and I really do understand that. However from previous I know other friends have been invited whilst I've been stood on the doorstep. I don't know if I just need to back off, though I haven't been heavy on either texts or anything else - three in the last week, and just accept that I'm just not a close friend.

Oh I see yes I misunderstood that too! I got misled by "later on". I wouldn't describe being told at 12w "later on"

OP I feel for you. You are likely to get some harsh responses here. It reads to me like she doesn't see you as a best friend, more of a long term friend that she wants a relationship with but not a top priority. This is likely not a reflection on you and more as you said around what suits her at this time in her life and what her priorities are. Don't be disheartened, concentrate on the other good friendships you have, accept and move on. You will feel lighter after you have made this decision. It doesn't mean you can't be friends but just chill out and get on with life, if she values the friendship you will hear from her. Makes some plans with other friends and fill your time with that 😃

It sounds as if you asked to visit too soon. 4 days after the birth I would be expecting close family only. Also, presumably her other children are still quite young so the family may need more time together without others. Three messages or calls in the last week also sounds quite intense. I would wait another week or so then ask again if a visit would be convenient, even just to drop off your gift. Then match her input to the friendship.

That's nothing like what the OP said. Where are you getting that from?

I already acknowledged I misunderstood...

I think you need to give op a break. The woman just wants to see her friend. Nothing more.

But there is something more.

The OP isn't happy her friend chose to go for a day out with her own family, rather than have her come around a few days after the birth.

THAT makes the OP unreasonable.

I think you need to back off. I was someone who waited weeks before having non family visitors and was always put off by friends who couldn't take the hint.

The only reason there is something is because said friend is being distant. This doesn't mean op wants anything that's not reasonable. Come on.. she's not trying to marry the woman or asking her friend if she can come and move in with her.. for crying out loud. Stop shaming perfectly normal reasonable feelings.

I think you come off a little worse than she does here. Telling friends in the 12-16 week period is totally normal as is letting you know when she’s given birth not the second it happens.

One of my best friends has just given birth and my message was let me know when you fancy a non-family visitor, not inviting myself on day 4!

OK - I know you think you should be a priority to her, but she has 3 other children who you must see as more important than any friend, regardless of how close? They have had a 4th baby arrive, she did a day out to give her older dcs a “normal” school holidays (or preschool if they are still at that age). A day out while dad is still on paternity leave.

it’s not just her wellness she needs to factor in but her older dcs needs and balancing those with looking after a newborn and recovering.

Actually, why not be a help rather than another job she has to fit in? Offer to come over and take the older dc/dcs out for a few hours, maybe with your dcs. If they are old enough, you could offer to take them bowling with your teens (teens under strict instructions to lose!) and then for a bite to eat. So she can focus on the baby/baby and toddler. When you pick up/drop off older dcs, have a quick cuddle but be fun aunty to the older ones.

or if that’s too much, a trip to the park. Be a help.

12-16 weeks is normal to tell people.

Very few people want visitors in the first 24 hours after birth. Especially not for their fourth child.

Going out as a group to get her younger children out for some fresh air is very different to entertaining someone at home with 3 kids and a newborn.

Why don’t you offer practical help? Say don’t worry about seeing the baby, I’ll drop off some meals on your doorstep. And make some adult and kid friendly meals and drop them off. Or drop off a care package for her.

If you think being upset that her friend chose to go for a family day out, with her baby and other children, rather than seeing the OP is 'perfectly normal and reasonable', there's really no point in arguing with you.

It's as far from 'reasonable and normal' as most people can get 😳

OP I think you’re quite rare having people round 24 hours after your give birth. I’m like
Your friend - actually even more extreme.
i go into a baby bubble and I’ll see everyone in 3 months or so- the only priority I have is my new baby and no one else or their feelings. My friends are all on the same wave length as me . I couldn’t think of anything worse than having to clean the house, dress up etc and have people round.

maybe back off abit? Let her enjoy her baby bubble and her other children . Without offence she won’t be thinking about you and your needs or feelings, she’ll be knackered and concentrating on herself .

I never really understand threads like this - the other person is clearly not interested in being friends, and has exhibited behaviour for years showing that they don’t really value your friendship.

@oneanddoneee

You have done nothing wrong and it’s reasonable to think your friend should have returned your messages.

Your self esteem needs some work so you don’t keep putting up with people treating you like this.

Your OP makes it sound like you really don't like her very much and are a bit judgy about your respective lives.

That's fine, people drift apart and it doesn't mean anyone is in the wrong.

You don't have to do anything, carry on as you are if you like, or don't.