Were your teens upset when their grandparents died

[spanieleyes22]

So have been separated for many years and dd and ds didn't really see their paternal grandparents very much. Their paternal grandmother is near the end and dd is taking it very badly. In that anything I say to her she says she can't think about anything except her nan. Like when I asked her to do the dishes this morn she said I was to stop nagging her and that housework wasn't important at this time. I'm kinda surprised she is taking it so badly as she didn't really have a relationship with her and hasn't seen her for a good few years. Obvs am trying to be understanding but am finding it a bit tricky . There's a lot of history with my ex and her and our break up. Anyone else any advice navigating this

Is she mourning the relationship they never had?
worried about how the death will affect her father?

When you say they didn’t have a good relationship was that just that they didn’t see each other much or was there trouble between them?
Could she have regrets?

I'm sorry for your impending loss, but I am afraid that when I hear a teenager who wasn't close to a grandparent saying "housework wasn't important at this time", when asked to do some, my first thought is not that they are stricken with grief.

Is this her first experience of death?

Even if not, sometimes it can be harder when someone we don’t have a good / active relationship with dies. Because there can be all manner of things come up for us emotionally that we don’t necessarily expect and that of course we’ll never get the chance to put right with the person.

Plus she’s a teen, with all the hormones and changes that involves.

I’d cut her a bit of slack - but she still needs to do the dishes!

Could you talk to her about her grandparents and her memories of them?

Is this the first family death she has experienced? It might be triggering thoughts about you dying at some point. I used to find the prospect of my parents dying quite terrifying when I was a school aged teen.

Yes, this. Are you sure she's not just using it to get out of doing things. When I was a teen, a friends nan died, they didn't care but pretended they did to get a couple of weeks off school. Awful really, but some teens can be like that.

Hard to say, but I definitely "milked" my grandma dying a bit to get out of doing things and going to school. I was 13. It's a selfish age!

I'm a heartless cow but on hearing that I would say 'It will take your mind off it' and expect them to get on with what they've been told to do.

But to answer your question, mine pretty much shrugged off their grandfather's death - but then so did I. It was most definitely their time to go.

There was a basic relationship there, but nothing close.

Yes I suppose it is her first experience of death. She did see her at weekends when she was younger as xdh would visit when he had her. I do feel she is exaggerating her grief but can't say anything like that to her as she will be outraged. This woman was tricky to get on with very outspoken and very devoted to my ex. But that's more to do with my relationship with her. I'm finding it difficult as I had a hard time with her as a mil but dd obvs has had a different experience . Limited though. Especially in the last few years. You're right she probably is grieving a granny who she might have had .

Yes I wonder is she getting this off my ex. I had to chase him for maintenance last month and he said how could I ask him for money "at a time like this" and I just said I was sorry for what he was going through but I still had rent and bills to pay. Felt a bit like emotional abuse tbh.

ds was only 11 when my dad died and he was distraught as they were very close. He was ok during the day when distracted, but when it came to bedtime he sobbed his heart out and ended up back in my bed for a few days.

When my mum died he was 17 and was ok, no tears although he was very touchingly sympathetic to mine, giving me lots of hugs. He wasn't as close to mum in her last couple of years because they just didn't understand each other, partially because she didn't understand modern teenagers and partially because she was very hard of hearing and ds is softly spoken so didn't understand him and they drifted further and further apart.

Mine didn't seem to care much when both nans died, they didn't have much to do with them though. Does she feel guilty for never seeing her? I had a difficult time when one of my nan's died, because I stopped ringing her on Sundays. I stopped because I got a weekend job and went to university in the week. Not sure why it became my responsibility to phone her, when my mum could have maintained contact. But yes guilt made me feel terrible.

If its her first experience of death and she is potentially mourning the relationship she never had I'd probably cut her a bit of slack. But she probably is taking the piss a bit too.

Mine were very fond of the grandparent who died when they were in their teens. We'd stay with my in-laws or they'd stay with us at least every six weeks, if not more often, so there was a real relationship. But though they were sad when he died, no-one cried that I'm aware of, and they didn't act grief stricken.

So yep, I think yours is milking it.

Mine were devastated. But totally different relationship. She was another mum to them and saw them every day. Hard to tell what's going on with your DD. She may be genuinely very disturbed and distressed. Mortality brought into stark reality, getting her head round the idea of never seeing her nan again etc. On the other hand, teens and young people can be very into performative emotion and also know well how to use a situation to their benefit. You know her best and will need to be the judge of how genuine this is and how much support she needs.

I was devastated when mine died and I'd only met her twice and language barrier was huge.

I think you're being a bit heartless. It's a crazy time for hormones as a teenager.

But you don't really say whether she's moping or isolating herself or talking about it a lot or doing comfort-related things like watching favourite shows a million times, or whether she only brings it up when asked to do something.

I was 17 when my grandad died and it really affected me. It was the first "close" death I experienced and we were reasonably close. I know younger children who are emotional about great grandparents...

If this is her first family death it will likely be hard. Plus the potential "mourning" of a relationship that never was.

My son was upset when my mum died because me and my sister and the wider family were visibly upset. He was about 8/9.

When FIL died he was 11/12 and none of the family weren't that upset. DH didn't shed a tear. So DS wasn't upset at all.

My youngest was a teen when my FIL died , the older one was at uni , they hadn’t really seen him much , certainly were not close and neither of them were bereft .

My kids were devastated when my dad died as they adored him and vice versa. But using at as an excuse to get out of helping out? No. If anything, they were doing more out of concern for me as I was doing all of the arranging.

To me it definitely sounds like she's getting this from her dad, the wording is almost identical.

TBH I'd be sceptical about the authenticity of her grief. Has she picked up from her dad that it's an excuse to pause all normal responsibilities?

If there's another 'chore dodging' episode perhaps reply that of course it's an upsetting time but we can talk as we do the dishes/clean/etc as (using some 'teen-speak' here) it's important to still practice self care at difficult times, ie. we still need to eat so dishes need to be clean etc.

My kids were close to my mum and were devastated when she, suddenly, died. It was incredibly hard for all of us. I was trying to hold it together because they were so sad.

She is the only grandparent they have lost

I barely knew my Dads Dad and was upset when he died. I felt desperately sorry for my Dad and what he was going through. It upset me to see how sad he was. But also it made me sad that both my Dads parents were dead and I never knew them. They weren’t interested as they didn’t approve of Dads marriage. And that hurt. And grandads death brought it to the top instead of something I pushed down.

It depends on their relationship and a lot of other things.

My daughter was very sad when my father died (recently). She is 16 and cried, while he was sick and after his death. She wanted to go to my country of birth and attend the funeral.
At 11, my grandmother died. They had been close and she she was also very sad then.

I'm not sure how she will react when her dad's parents die, as, though they are nice to her when they see each other, they only see each other every few years. Whereas she has had a real relationship with grandparents and great grandma from my side.

My friend fell apart when her grandad died, she wasn't even that close and she was late teens, but her reaction was extreme. I think it was the concept of death and the circle of life and all that goes with it just hit her like a ton of bricks, an existential crisis. She still talks of that time now as a horrible time in her life and she is now late 40s and had plenty struggles. I think OP give DD lots of love and support. I wouldn't think that means getting out of chores though, she needs to learn that life goes on in conjunction with grief.

My daughters will be devastated when my dad passes away. Hopefully not for a long time. They won't be as bothered about my mum as they rarely see her.
My dad has always been the more hands-on grandparent (no longer with my mum).