To ask how you manage to reduce stress in mid life

[LostittoBostik]

I woke up this morning and realised that I'm absolutely rigid with stress and it can't be doing me any good. I can't remember the last time I felt truly relaxed. It was definitely at some point before I had children (so minimum 7 years).
I don't have anything exceptional going but all the usual - things like stress of self employment, high nursery bills and mortgage costs, things that keep going wrong in the house and need fixing. But there are some other things like my 7yo is still not night dry and struggling socially. But I also find that I really find the juggle of everything hard on my body and mind.
In the shower this morning I was just thinking about getting back to school stuff sorted, uniforms, swimming lessons etc and frankly I just felt totally overwhelmed. My mind has been full like this for almost a decade. I'm worried at some point I will get to a breaking point and no longer be able to function.
Before having children I had a very stressful full time job but was able to totally relax when on annual leave. Now I'm self employed so never really have a true break (I always have to check in even when away) and i find holidays with small children extremely stressful anyway. So I basically never have any time when my body is totally calm.
I know this isn't doing me any good.

I need to make a change but apart from trying to fit in more formal exercise I'm not sure what I can do.
I can't afford to work less. We can't afford more childcare to give me more time away from the kids. DH is supportive and we've just started getting a cleaner, which helps a bit.
But I honestly don't really know how to make the more fundamental changes to save my health. Now I'm my 40s I'm worried about the effects of stress on my long term wellbeing and longevity.
Any advice in magazines etc is always like "take a two week yoga retreat to the Balerics" or something. If anyone has any actually realistic experience of managing to make a positive change to reduce stress at this busy stage of life I'd love to know what worked 🙏🏻

Firstly, remember that things will get easier, your children are young, but they won't be forever. Mine are both in secondary school, but i do remember how difficult those early years are. i also couldn't afford to outsource work or reduce my hours.

what helped me, was getting organised with the things i could control, which was the everyday stuff.

i wrote lists of literally everything we needed to do and crossed off things as i achieved them. once it's written down, i realised much of it was achievable, but the stress was relying on my memory. i also had a calendar on the wall, so i could keep track of the upcoming month.

i automated whatever i could, eg paying bills by direct debit, i bulk bought laundry detergent, rice, pasta so i didn't have to worry about it for a few months. i stocked up on generic greetings cards and stockpiled a few gifts in case i needed an emergency gift. i bought my children's clothes a season in advance, when things were on sale, to save money, but also to keep me organised.

one of my Dcs was a bed wetter as well, so in addition to seeking medical advice, i bought a sheet to go on top their bed, so that i didn't have to to wash their whole bedding. i'd check their bed in the morning and throw the sheet in the wash before work, ready for drying when i got back home. in terms of friendships, could you nurture the ones your children already have eg play dates, or try and help them make new ones.

also, make time for yourself and your partner. when the children were asleep, i'd spend time soaking in a nice bath, watching a film with OH, reading or having a bit of pampering. You and your partner should give each other occasions time away from the children e.g an afternoon of free time once a month.

things will get easier, just keep telling yourself that.

I did ( and still do) what @purpledagger suggests, lists and plan.
How me and dh used to operate was Sunday morning I would meal plan for the week and I'd write out a shopping list. Dh used to take the kids to the big Tesco and get the shopping done while I prioritised what house jobs needed doing. In the afternoon we would either go out with the children together or one would go and the other had free time. Dh always chose to give me as much free time as I needed.
Have a planner on view and update with what's going on, eg swimming lessons and check it off the evening before so bags can be packed.
Get the children to do their share of chores. Don't make a big deal about it but get them to make the bed, put toys away, plates in sink or dish washer after they've been scrapped clean, uniforms off as soon as they come home from school etc. It's not you V everyone, you are a team that should have each other's backs.

While the childrenare playing or what ever do a 15/20 minute yoga pr pilates work out through your tv from youtube.
It will get easier but lists, plans and charts are your saviours at the moment.

It gets easier as they get older as PP said.

From your description I am doubtful your DP is pulling his weight. Divvy up whole areas - you do medical, he does dental, he does packed lunches you do sports kids. He does the car and insurance you do household bills etc, he does laundry, you do shopping and breakfast etc etc That way you can ditch entire areas from your brain.

Simplify and automate as many systems as you can. Cook meals (or a local service doing the same) half the week, assembly meals the rest, maybe one batch cook at the weekend. Automate all bills and shopping. Have days for laundry and ordering food, have a meal plan, a system so making packed lunches and getting together uniforms all have a time they get done so you don’t have to think about it much m. Put it all on a wall chart. Make sure it’s evenly divided. Have a shared calendar and a shared notes system.

Drop your standards if needed, he may not do laundry as you would but as long as it gets done it’s fine.

Tackle looking after yourself bit by bit - you need enough sleep, to eat properly, to get some exercise and to get some time off alone and with friends. He needs the same. It’s important you get equal time off, so start with one thing first each. You will gradually find out if you like yoga or boxing, just try stuff - you won’t have tons of time now, but you need to get your head out of the grind regularly - can be at home while he takes charge as well as going out.

Gradually train your kids to do their bit, starting with putting dishes in the dishwasher or something

It will get better

Thank you. There's definitely some stuff here I can implement - we moved house not that long ago and a lot of our "automation" dropped out at that point. We've ended up shopping in person at the store rather than online delivery as I realised how much cheaper it is but that might be coming at the cost of other important things - like sanity!
Tbf I get far more time to myself than DH because of the nature of my work, which means when I'm working late (maybe once a week) I organise to go for dinner with friends or the cinema or something afterwards. DH doesn't have as many friends and so does that stuff much less regularly - we tend to see his friends in family groups (I've urged him to take more time with friends but tbf he has a lot of weekdays to himself when kids are in school and nursery as he's a shift worker).
He does pull his weight on admin but less so on things like thinking about school stuff, clubs? Play dates, clothes and shoes - also the "mothering" things like worrying about their social side and the bed wetting and achievement in school etc. He's just more laid back generally, about family stuff. His standards and expectations are probably a lot lower.
I honestly feel that a lot of this is about me looking after my body and mind rather than actually anything material about the kids/home/family life. I need to stop being controlled by stress and worry. I can never let go. I didn't expect to be this kind of parent. I've always been very focused at work but also have a really fun/silly side which helped me relax and I feel like that's completely disappeared.

I honestly feel that a lot of this is about me looking after my body and mind rather than actually anything material about the kids/home/family life
This isn't for everyone but would something like the '5 minute journal ' work for you
https://www.intelligentchange.com/products/the-five-minute-journal?variant=40396118949961&currency=GBP&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=-&adgroupid=&utm_content=&utm_term=&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjwrKu2BhDkARIsAD7GBoskIvHXHPAhql5a5KVmTxhJzevyyrq7tcIJro5TVNWx5MCPTli8rcYaAvq8EALw_wcB
It can help gather your thoughts, or maybe some meditation before you start work or in your break?
Day walks have helped me a lot. Even if it's walking for 20 mins around the estate makes me feel better.

As PP suggestions.

I have also found for me its how I react/deal with stress. Anything I can turn into stress, and unfortunately we can't predict what stresses will suddenly come upon us. (Sickness, sudden financial issues, losing jobs ect)

Again that will be personal for you. I use meditation to centre myself and trying to change perspective or even it out..rather then thinking how something can go wrong, also think how it can go right and trying to spin a positive out of it (usually thin air 😂) I find it's a lot about changing how your mind processes things, so it's trying to question the instant reactive "ahh this problem, that problem, then got to do this, this, this" to this issue I will think about first for a few mins and think about that one tomorrow when it is relevant, let's then finish with thinking about the restaurant meal I'm looking forward to and what I will order.

Make sure you always have time in the evening to decompress before bed. (I call it Zen mode) I hide in the shower so no one can call for me 😂 hot water, nice smells, fluffy warm socks after.

This woman has said everything I would have told you.
She is talking sense.
Lists are your friend.
Delegation is key.

Write a list today. Delegate & watch the tasks melt away.

I find Sertraline works a treat

I find Sertraline works a treat

It sounds like you are in a rut where you think you don't have time to look after yourself. Everything and everyone takes priority over you. I did this for years. It was a massive mistake. You are already running on empty and you will burn out if you haven't already.

Just take a step back and realise that the world really will keep turning if you prioritise your own mental and physical health over everything else for a few months. You think you can't but you can and must. I didn't. Then I caught really bad flu and got post viral fatigue that lasted three years and I had no choice. guess what? The world coped. DH stepped up. My children survived.

First - if you do anything voluntary - ditch it - all of it. All school committees, community work, helping out mates or family with this and that. Say you have to take a break due to health scare ( you don't need to say it's an imminent nervous breakdown) and you are withdrawing from all plans immediately.

Explain to DH how close you are to burn out and that you need to get well. So for two weeks, he needs to sort out the DC in the mornings for the first hour. You will get up and go into a room, undisturbed and spend the first hour of the day on yourself: 15 mins yoga, 15 mins meditation, 15 mins journalling, 15 mins prepping a healthy breakfast that you eat in peace. Or a healthy lunch in advance so you don't shovel down biscuits at 3pm when you are suddenly ravenous and realise you haven't eaten all day. If mornings are truly impossible, claim this time every night. But he needs to answer every call of 'Mu-um' during that hour, And you need to ride out the guilt until they start shouting 'Daa-ad' as often as they shout for you.

Start with one session a week - one evening class of yoga or meditation or dance that would ease your stress. Just go. Get into that good habit.

At least three evenings a week do super easy food that needs 5 mins prep. Fresh pasta or gnocchi or tortelloni with fresh pesto or sauce and salad; supermarkets always have offers on Indian takeaway style dinners for a fraction of the cost of takeaways, and if you pick the right side dishes, they can last two nights; oven baked fish and chips with peas. One night a week cook something that can double up next day - spag bol sauce on day one is chilli or shepherd's pie on day two. Roast chicken one night, chicken wraps next night. Never spend more than 10 mins prepping family dinners. Get DC to lay table and everyone helps clear up.

With the bedwetting, DS2 was the same and it was every single bloody night. Broken sleep, year in year out. Physically arduous.You have my sympathy There's nothing you can do. Some boys just don't produce the necessary hormone to stop night wetting in their toddler years and so it doesn't kick in until puberty - it can't kick in any time between. I chose not to go down all that Eric route of alarms because they don't work. And desmopressin is really not healthy for them on a regular basis so he save that for sleep overs and scout camps.

I used to double up the sheets: protective layer, sheet, second protective layer, second sheet, and put an adhesive bed mat on the underside of the duvet, where it touches his PJs. Also he needs to wear night pull-ons under his PJs. If he wets the bed badly, just strip off the top sheet and protective layer, and the clean dry stuff is underneath. Peel off the adhesive pad which should have protected the underside of the duvet, and turn the duvet over if it is a little damp, so the dry side is now touching him. Get him to strip off and into clean PJs. Let him shower in the morning. I was blunt about this if he didn't want to. I'd just say - your bed was wet, you do not want to smell of wee at school. Jump into the shower. Show DH this routine and get him to set it up - the double layers, the correct positioning of the adhesive pad etc, and make sure he does at least 50% of the bedwetting from now on. That includes sticking the wet stuff in the machine, hanging it out and resetting the bed for the next night. It is a hell of a lot of work and it should be shared.

Incidentally, late bedwetting and struggling socially can be signs of autism - they were for my DS. Worth checking on this. Better to be diagnosed than not. And being the parent of an autistic child is extra exhausting in a way you don't realise until you come through it.

Re your update -

I’d start by getting some CBT in that case, it’s quite hard to reduce being controlled by stress without some help.

Sounds like your DP needs to take on some more, and that you probably need to watch your standards being too high

Lists and lots of planning. I always have a shopping list that I add to as we run out so when I come to do weekly shop it’s all to hand. Online shopping to save the hassle of trawling around the supermarket. I also meal plan so I know what we are having most days as for me nothing worse than staring into the fridge and having no inspiration what to cook.
if I feel I have a lot to do I make lists and tick off as I go along as helps with a sense of achievement.
I always have stuff that’s batch cooked and in the freezer for a ready meal.
my kids are a little older so we do share a lot of chores which helps massively.
i also make sure I go to the gym 3/4 times a week. Sometimes it’s hard to make the time so I tend to go straight from work and this helps my stress levels massively

Sorry for that mammoth essay. I just struggled for way too long like you are struggling and then I made life easier and couldn;t understand why I hadn't made the changes years ago.

Another thing DH and I did which really helped was we gave each other half a day off each weekend. A strict four hours, during which the other one had DC and held the fort and didn't create extra mayhem for the other person to deal with on return. The freedom in my mind, knowing every weekend I definitely had time to get a haircut or meet a friend, or read a book in a cafe or go for a walk - it was transformative. You might choose to book a regular fitness class and you'd still have the best part of three hours to do other things. for yourself. Not food shops etc. And DH gets the same.

As per@Meadowwild
DH and I negotiate so we have chunks of time for ourselves at the weekend for sport, meeting friends, reading etc. I use it to swim - sometimes sea swimming - which is the best way to manage stress I have found.

To be honest, I didn't feel like this with primary age DC but do now with teenage DC. I feel it's a much busier and more stressful stage. I never relax. My DC are good and amenable. I would imagine I'll worry even with adult DC.

Thanks so much for all the suggestions. I didn't mention all the caveats (I start work at 8am to make up hours/DH is a shift worker often not home til midnight so I do all post school/ both DC have multiple allergies and carry epi pens - and not the same ones!!! - so food shortcuts are a bit limited) BUT nevertheless there are still ideas here I can implement

I think lists and delegation every week will help. I don't feel sleep deprived but just utterly ruined with stress - like I can never feel fully calm/relaxed. I think focusing on my body through exercise and meditation etc will help.

It's funny a PP mentioned journaling. My DD has one for children where you pick out the three best things of every day and I thought that actually forcing myself to do a similar exercise might help me focusi on what's going well and I'm enjoying and get me out of my stress brain a bit

This is my concern. I'm hoping it will get easier but imagine that it won't until they've left home and I'm literally unaware of a lot of the minutiae of their life daily. That's why I feel I need to address it now because I don't think I can cope with another 15 years or more of this.

That sort of journalling is a really good start. Pick three things that were good each day - having a laugh with DC or a good coffee or a hug from DH.
Another thing you can add to the journal is a moment of awe each day. That encourages you to stop - even if only for a few seconds - and go: wow, look at the moon - it's so big and bright, or wow, the blackberries are great this year - let's pick a handful, or that baby on the bus has the cutest smile. Just finding joy in life itself in all its forms. Seems obvious (or cheesy) but it works.

Don't underestimate the power of 5 minute youtube videos too. % minutes tapping to destress, or 5 minutes shaking your body to shake the stress away or 5 minutes deep breathwork etc. In such short time, you can get some relief. Even if it only lasts for that short time, it is still relief. 5 mins destressing the body is better than none, in health terms.

I do all personal admin on a Friday. Sounds so simple but it's a game changer for me because I don't waste time worrying. I just think that's a Friday job. They included online food shop, any bills but mostly they are DD, returning parcels, vinted orders, etc, etc. Then I don't think about those things anymore. If DH says oh we haven't got whatever I just say, I will sort out on Friday, although of course he's very welcome to sort it out himself😂

It sucks. Mine are teens and I find it harder then ever

Thank you. In my case it's a late wetting DD, but I have my suspicions about her potentially being ND. Will be watching her closely this year. She's summer born and has always had late gross milestones (but has met them) so on some things it's been hard to tell what's just individual development patterns.

Medically I think the same is true for girls (but check). Vast majority get the hormone release in toddler years. If not, it releases during puberty. And that hormone release delay is one of the physical symptoms often connected with autism.

Hi OP, you've had lots of tips and tricks here which is great, but I am coming to realise that more lists and organisation actually just causes more stress. You need less to do, not more systems.

That said I don't have the answer, but I am trying for

• starting exercises (rowing machine at home and park run),
• seeing friends and enjoying time with them (either with or without DH),
• trying to get to a place where I enjoy DH (relationship has suffered from the stress and he is falling over too)
• getting back to eating food I like and is healthy (instead of what my allergic and nd kids will eat)

Nuclear options include one of us quitting work and downsizing...

Hi you've had lots of good advice. Just to add the bed wetting alarm absolutely worked for us at 6 going from totally wet to completely dry in 3 or 4 days. But I realise it doesn't work for everyone. Good luck x

Thanks that's good to know. As she was late to walking, hopping and all that stuff I did just sort of hope it would happen by itself but I've realised I've got to do something now. Last time we tried removing the pull ups was about six months ago but I think we're going to just have to take them off for good now and also seek medical advice