Spending time with difficult DM

[crazypiglady]

DM used to pick DC up from school 1 day a week & occasionally babysit for a few hours in the evening (perhaps once or twice a year). Youngest will be going up to high school in Sept & DM has made the point a few times that she is ‘no longer needed’. She is widowed but has a long term, off/on partner & has a good group of friends around her. I have a difficult relationship with her (of which she’s unaware!) as she has no boundaries at all & can be toxic when her mental health is bad (comments about my weight, often brings up incidents from my childhood which was difficult due to abuse). I have learned to put a shield up while recognising that 9 times out of 10 I will feel bad after seeing her & will have to spend time locking my wounds, self-care etc. I don’t want her to feel redundant now she’s not picking my kids up from school & to show I’m grateful for the years she has done that for. I work part time & am thinking of spending a morning or day with her a week when eldest goes to high school. I know I will find this draining & difficult, but I feel like I owe it to her. What should I do?

No, you don’t have to do that. Do it once a month and see how it works for you. I’d find that too much and don’t feel drained by my parent. I think you are trying to be too much of a people pleaser. Look after yourself first.

I am sadly estranged from mine at the moment. Dm suffers badly with mental health and I had a difficult childhood so I understand (eg I would come home from school and she would scream at me I smelled of drink to the point I would cry - I literally did nothing but go to school and was well behaved) then she would say (when I looked for my first sat job that someone with Down Syndrome worked there so I might have a chance. When I got my degree and masters, she made a scene she was sick at the graduation. She arrived late ans loud at my hen as she was in A&E (later turned out to be constipated).

that type of thing .. every time I go home I get dirty looks and horrible comments. She would go out with me and get the kids a treat and I would have to get up and get my own despite maybe giving her a voucher for 100 Pound the week before. It was all forms of punishment.

so I get it

i used try and treat her and give her things so she would be ok with me that day

I don’t think you need to commit to one morning a week at all here .. no way

i know she was good to you with childcare but it’s going to ruin your day one day a week

What about meeting for coffee every couple of weeks so it's only a couple of hours. If you meet too often it could backfire as you will end up needing to take complete break.

I’d suggest twice a month that you go out to lunch together or go for a coffee. Make that a permanent routine so she can look forward to it. If you’re actually going out somewhere ther will be less feeling of a duty visit plus you might enjoy it too

Is her toxicity restricted to you or does so do the same with the children? Does she say mean things to you when they are there? If she’s ok with them maybe visit her once or twice a month with them to dilute her a bit, I can’t be one on one with my DM but she’s on her best behaviour when DH and the children are around so it’s more tolerable.

Of course if she’s toxic with them or to you in front of them I wouldn’t see her at all.

God I’m so sorry this sounds horrific. You have absolutely done the right thing in going no contact.

So I’m considering 1 day a week cos there’s a class she wants to try near me & has been saying about doing it together for years, it’s only in the morning but I know she’d then want to stay on & maybe see the kids when they get home from school, so it would turn into an all day thing.

It’s borderline - the boundaries I point out repeatedly (she lets herself into our house, into our bedrooms, reads our mail) - I’ve made the point that eldest is a teen now & she must knock on her door before going in. I’ve also told her time & again not to mention weight (mine or hers) in front of my kids but it seems ingrained in her & like she often doesn’t realise she’s doing it when talking about her own weight especially. She would buy them both sweets on the way home despite my asking her not to, or atleast limiting it to 1 item, but that problem will be solved now she’s not walking youngest home.

Like your DM she isn’t like this when DH is there, that does seem to dilute her somewhat.

I would think carefully about what you want first. It sounds to me that she has trained you to put her needs ahead of your own and you feel beholden to her for the smallest bit of help as she’s guilt tripping you with her “not needed” comments. Picking up DC from school once a week term time and babysitting twice a year is hardly a huge sacrifice, she surely wanted to spend time with her grandchildren anyway? Be careful not to put something in place that becomes a very long term expectation that might not in your best interests.

Have you looked up mothers with borderline personality disorder? Your mum sounds very similar to mine. It was such a breakthrough for me to realise what it was and there’s a lot of advice out there on how to set boundaries and cope with it. Sending hugs x

Why on earth would you put yourself through this?

She comments about not being needed when child goes to high school. You respond something along the lines of 'yes they grow up so quickly'

Job done.

There is no need for you to panic and substitute with spending a day with her once a week.

Love my mum and mil, no problems at all with either.
1 morning a week is an awful lot though, once or twice a month max would be plenty. You've only ever got 1 mum so make the most of her even though there's differences. But don't overdo it for your sake and hers.

I’ve not heard of it, what boundaries have you put in place with your DM? Does she respect them?

Because she’s not all bad all of the time, as I said in my first post it tends to be only when her MH is bad, though the boundaries thing is constant. She has some brilliant qualities & my eldest in particular adores her, they have a lovely relationship. It’s not all black & white is it with relationships which is what makes it so hard, why I feel so torn, I find her very hard a lot of the time but equally she’s great in a crisis, is the ‘fun’ Granma so will drop everything & play with the kids, takes a genuine interest in their lives & hobbies. It’s complicated isn’t it.

Once a fortnight meet up for a cuppa and then back to yours to have tea with the kids.

Don’t let your guilt let you make a commitment you will regret.

I love my mum and she was never abusive but she is somewhat reclusive now and expects all her socialising to be provided by her children, especially me.

She used to tell my other siblings and family that not to worry about her being lonely on weekends because angeldelite covers those (!)

I made it clear that after a full working week I couldn’t commit every weekend to her, or even every Saturday or Sunday.

I do see her once a week but it’s on my terms, it could be dropping in on a weekday after work or it could be taking her out on a Saturday.

So I’d recommend he same to you, spend time with her but don’t make a weekly commitment.

Are you out of your mind OP?
Do not be so very cavalier with your mental health.
Do not do this.
Your children need you well.
Please value yourself more.
Perhaps counselling would be good for you.
I wouldn't see someone like her at all if the consequences were feeling bad afterwards.
Too high a price.

Honestly, my advice would be not to start something that will be difficult to stop. As your mum gets older she will probably be more needy and demanding. I love my eldelry mum and visit three times a week as she is disabled and needs things doing, but it gets so draining. She just wants to sit and talk while I'm sat thinking of all the things I could be doing
It is much harder to back out of something once you've started, I think a monthly arrangement might be better to begin with but make sure you are the o e in control and don't be emotionally blackmailed or manipulated into anything.

So she's a great grandparent but not a good parent.

In that case it doesn't sound as if you spending more time with her will make either of you happy.

Find another way for the kids and her to enjoy their grandparent time outside of routine childcare.

Absolutely this. Jesus, don’t sign up actively for something you know is going to adversely affect your MH, just don’t!

The worst thing you could do is commit to weekly or monthly meet up, because she will kick off if you can't make it one week.
See her, but at different times and on different days so you don't give her any ammo.

I'm sure if you google it you'll recognise a lot. The best thing that works for me is when I see the warning signs or the attacks coming I remove myself and my children, so calmly leaving the room or the house in spite of whatever kind of reaction that evokes. Same on the phone, I say we can carry this conversation on when you calm down and I'm going to hang up now. With BPD, if it is BPD, it's quite hardwired so expecting them to change isn't particularly realistic. But what you can do is protect yourself and your children by removing yourself and them from the situation when it appears.

What people who haven't experienced it don't understand is how confusing it can be, as when your mum is nice it's completely genuine and you don't want to lose that side. But it comes with another side that can show itself and that's the side you need to put boundaries in place with.

I also talk openly about it with my kids, I say Granny doesn't look after her mental health and we have compassion for her but no-one is allowed to talk to to you or to me in that way so it's best we give her some space to calm down.

Stop Walking On Eggshells is a good book, as is Understanding The Borderline Mother. Feel free to DM if it helps x

Dont bother, keep away.