Spending time with difficult DM

[crazypiglady]

DM used to pick DC up from school 1 day a week & occasionally babysit for a few hours in the evening (perhaps once or twice a year). Youngest will be going up to high school in Sept & DM has made the point a few times that she is ‘no longer needed’. She is widowed but has a long term, off/on partner & has a good group of friends around her. I have a difficult relationship with her (of which she’s unaware!) as she has no boundaries at all & can be toxic when her mental health is bad (comments about my weight, often brings up incidents from my childhood which was difficult due to abuse). I have learned to put a shield up while recognising that 9 times out of 10 I will feel bad after seeing her & will have to spend time locking my wounds, self-care etc. I don’t want her to feel redundant now she’s not picking my kids up from school & to show I’m grateful for the years she has done that for. I work part time & am thinking of spending a morning or day with her a week when eldest goes to high school. I know I will find this draining & difficult, but I feel like I owe it to her. What should I do?

What people who haven't experienced it don't understand is how confusing it can be, as when your mum is nice it's completely genuine and you don't want to lose that side. But it comes with another side that can show itself and that's the side you need to put boundaries in place with.

That’s exactly it, when she’s on form she’s great, especially with my kids. The best I can describe it is a frenemy, you sort of relax and then get knifed out of nowhere. I always feel 13 around her, and 13 was not a happy time for me so it takes me sometimes a few hours to rebalance & get myself back in a good place.

I think once a month is a good suggestion and on my terms maybe. I’ll have to just tell her I don’t want to do the weekly class. I’m aware she’s aging & will rely on me more, so I take the point that I shouldn’t start weekly visits if I can’t sustain that. It just feels a bit selfish and all on my terms after she’s looked after my kids and done the best she could with me. I have a sibling who pretty much is non-contact (moved to a different country at 18, visits once a year, monthly phone calls) so I feel the weight of that too, I know Mom misses contract with DS very much.