Doing someone a favour shouldn't inconvenience someone else.

[TheRainGame]

So my sister has form for this kind of thing.

She will go out of her way to offer someone a lift after work but this then holds her back from letting her childcare back by half an hour.

Or volunteer to make ridiculous quantities of buns for a charity bake sale but will "need' friends and family to mind her kids at short notice so she can do this.

She is very much of the attitude that friends and family should "drop everything" to help others, including her when she is in "need", but often she creates these situations where she is scrambling around for childcare because she has committed to something unnecessary, although she will view the act of charity as vital.

I'm all for helping others, absolutely, but AIBU to say that your charitable acts shouldn't be constantly inconveniencing others?

Are you the childcare?

Ah we have a family member like this, he'll miss family gatherings because he's offered to help a neighbour build flat pack furniture, or drive an acquaintance to hospital appointment meaning he can't meet for lunch as planned. Leaving all the childcare/family stuff that needs doing to his wife/parents.

Just say no to her last minute requests

She does this because those around her let her offload her kids into them / be late etc

If you don't facilitate her she'll have to juggle everything herself which might make her rethink her helpfulness.

Surely her childcare charges when she's late? Mine does, on a pre-set fee list,

Sometimes.

Oh yes, we have a family member like this. Very annoying.

Childcare is sometimes paid, but is often our mum or family friends.

I think there's something quite performative about it. Could quietly donate money to the charity instead of needing to turn up with arm fulls of buns, for example.

Very annoying for you but from her pov does she just find it hard to say no to people asking for the favours?
I'm an absolute people pleaser, it's well known in my circle that I will literally do anything for anyone even to the detriment of my own needs/happiness.
I'll cancel something I want to do if someone asks me for help.
I absolutely hate it, it's usually expected but not appreciated but I really struggle to say no, I'll flounder around looking for an excuse but I'm not very good at "thinking on my feet".
Once you get known for being amenable it's game over, you're doomed!
It's even little things for me like going out for MY birthday meal and I can't have a drink as I'm nominated as designated driver so other people can have a drink 🙄
Could you talk to her about it.
I recently said no to a medical professional, they wanted to do X and I actually said no, crikey, it was liberating, I'm going to try to say no a bit more often.
Otoh could you and whoever else is acting as childcare or helper / cake maker say no?
Difficult isn't it? ❤️

I know what you mean, but she definitely isn't a people pleaser, she's very good at saying no.

It isn't even people asking or expecting something of her, she volunteers or steps in, often in a way people aren't necessarily expecting.
I think she likes to feel needed, which is ok, it's that this then creates a need for her which she expects other people (us!) to meet.

My husbands family is like this, anything to help random people or groups to look like good people. Their own family including children are a afterthought. It’s weird how far they will go to be seen as good people.

The logical follow-up to this will be when they start volunteering other people to do things. "Oh, my sister/daughter will do that".

Does she read much? Buy her a copy of Bleak House for Christmas & mark all the pages about Mrs Jellyby.

Not the situations you refer to no. I also have little patience if any with people who cannot plan ahead, 99% of whom don't have any form of neurodiversity that inhibits this.

Yep. You gotta hold your boundaries (with compassion, because she probably doesn’t mean to do it, but she needs to learn)

She will go out of her way to offer someone a lift after work but this then holds her back from letting her childcare back by half an hour

Not quite sure what/who this affects-do you mean she’s late getting back to collect her kids? Hopefully if that’s to a childminder, they will charge her. If it’s you, I would be having a go and saying I won’t look after your kids any more if you put me out like that.

It impacts our mum who provides childcare for her, but this is just one example amongst many of her going out of her way but that then forces other people to go out of theirs too.

I have put in boundaries, but it does irritate me that she seems kind of oblivious to it all.

I'm not sure if I should address it or if I should, how to go about it.

I know in her head people should feel privileged to get to spend time with her children and if you truly care about someone you should drop everything at the first sign of their need, and she gets a lot of self-worth from people seeing her as a "good" and productive person, and all of these beliefs have led to this dynamic. I'm not hopeful that I am going to be able to change her mind on any of these!

Not a big reader, no, but this book sounds interesting!

I agree there is something performative about it. I think you just have to start saying no to her. Just be busy when she asks.

What is there to commend when you actively offer yourself up to help other people and prioritise that over your responsibility to your children?

It's selfish behaviour, possibly there is a hint of narcissism in there to, "look at me, aren't I helpful/generous/selfless, tell me how wonderful I am."

I think you've hit the nail on the head here. It IS performative.

She gets all the adoration and praise for all the stuff she volunteers for - meanwhile, in the back and out of sight, other people are doing the grunt work.

She's not daft is she!😉

Not the point of the thread but why are people saying “Oh the childcare provider will charge her?” The inconvenience to them isn’t solved with money..it may have a knock on effect on their home lives too ( you can tell my friend is a childminder!)

My mother is always offering people lifts even though she doesn't drive. She expects her husband to do the driving while she gets the credit for the "kind offer".

Yes, this is exactly it!

The narcissist label gets thrown around a lot, but communal narcissism is an interesting one to read up on.

My Mum has form for this. "Oh yes, Lying will write that letter for you..." - and then I get asked to do this 'favour'. So annoying.

So you're jealous? Stop being a childcare worker for her and leave her to it, it doesn't have to concern you other than the childcare bit

This is all about her very selfish ego.
No point at all in having a conversation about it.
It is who she is.
What you can do is not be available and be very firm on that.

My friend had a mother who was very similar to this and she tried to impose on her, even though she had children and worked full-time.

She infuriated my friend by volunteering her professional skills.

She took to referring to requests as "mother's ego runs" and refused to be involved when her sister tried to guilt her once.

Step away with "doesn't suit".