Doing someone a favour shouldn't inconvenience someone else.

[TheRainGame]

So my sister has form for this kind of thing.

She will go out of her way to offer someone a lift after work but this then holds her back from letting her childcare back by half an hour.

Or volunteer to make ridiculous quantities of buns for a charity bake sale but will "need' friends and family to mind her kids at short notice so she can do this.

She is very much of the attitude that friends and family should "drop everything" to help others, including her when she is in "need", but often she creates these situations where she is scrambling around for childcare because she has committed to something unnecessary, although she will view the act of charity as vital.

I'm all for helping others, absolutely, but AIBU to say that your charitable acts shouldn't be constantly inconveniencing others?

I wouldn't consider that jealousy.

I don't need or want the recognition, otherwise I would be likewise engaged in "worthy" activities. I just want to be out of the picture entirely, and have put in boundaries to facilitate this.

I would like her to recognise that her acts of charity are often an imposition on other people. I would have no issue with it if it didn't also put other people other pressure.

If she was quietly donating her free time to worthy causes then she can work away, but by committing to things that she can't do without roping in extra people for childcare etc. what she's actually doing is donating other people's free time.

I think alot of people doing good works are like this but just don't see the bigger picture or take the support they have for granted. You need to be firmer with your boundaries if you are up for the fall out.

She likes the attention.

Sorry wrong thread but I can’t delete the picture!

Have you told her directly what you think about this? What did she say?

This is all about her doing whatever garners her the most attention/ praise/ validation/ whatever else she needs to fuel her ego, and using others (her mum for example) to get it.

She doesn’t get the ego kick she needs from her children and her mum or you. She gets it from others who don’t know her game, so take her at face value.

My MIL is like this. I saw it immediately and didn’t hesitate to tell her “oh, you didn’t ask me, sorry I have to leave” - and left. She never tried it again and in her eyes I’m “unreliable”, have got my priorities wrong, don’t understand about faaaamily. I’m totally fine with that.

For me it's always the skills and/or inclination that she doesn't have, she hears that somebody needs them and jumps in to offer to fix whatever it is. I can remember giving up my weekend to go and run a course on a subject I don't even know that much about. Not just once but twice! Never again.

Oh my god, exactly how my ex-husband family is. My sil particularly will always offer to drive her neighbours to hospital appointment even if it is inconvenient and complained about it saying that their sons or daughters should do it. She could say no, but they are rich. She's even helped the man that abused her when she was young, the mother knew about it but did not report him to the police. I really can't get my head around it.

Ahhhhhhh... yes my sister does this. It is now somewhat limited, at least in my case, now my physical mobility is reduced significantly so I can't actually do a lot of the things she used to volunteer me to do - she tries to offer my DP instead though, or offer to do things that then involve him (and then asks ME if he'll do it, I dunno, he's his own person, she has his number!).

Infuriating!

I remember (years ago), a poster on here had tickets for something at the London Olympics. They had some relatives visiting from Australia (but were staying with someone else) and her Mum had offered the Australians her tickets. The Mum was in the habit of being generous with other people’s things and was outraged when she said that she would be using her tickets herself.

There was someone else who was cross that her mum kept offering her services (something legal / tax related) to randoms for free. Her telling them that she had too much paying work on was embarrassing, apparently.

You need to work on this.