To stop 17 year old DS from going on a lads holiday?

[LockdownBride]

Ds is 17 and due to go on a city break next week with three friends who are just 18. I said yes because he’s usually sensible and trustworthy.

In the last two weeks, he’s come home blind drunk twice (the most recent being right now) - he’s had a few drinks before and been to parties but this is a whole other level. Tonight his friend called his mum to get DS and bring him back at 02.30am.

I spoke with him earlier this week about it. He’s having a wobble about his future and is struggling a bit with not knowing what to do - he’s half way through his A-levels and doing well.

Do I put my foot down and tell him that he can’t go because I can’t trust he’ll be safe or do I allow it, we’ve all done it?

I went on a girls holiday at 17 and Lord knows what we got up to.

I feel like I’m being overprotective but, I want to protect him 🤷‍♀️

Talk to him about it. He’s not a small child where you can take away his favourite toy for a day so don’t treat him like one. You say yourself you did the same at the same age, it’s normal behaviour.

I think he has to be allowed to go, on the grounds he paid for it and you didn't set out the conditions in advance (I.e if you get pissed again you aren't going) so otherwise he'll be resentful forever.

I think the points about a) travel insurance not paying out if you're bladdered and b) knowing your limits because friends' patience wears thin if you don't and c) recognising that if you're feeling sad alcohol makes you feel worse so not generally a good plan are probably worth making though.

Remind him about techniques for getting drunk without getting so drunk you can't have a good time: e.g. alternate alcoholic drink with non alcoholic, getting a coke and it could be a rum and coke if someone asks, drinking beer rather than spirits etc.

I definitely got completely drunk aged 17-19 and yes it's not ideal but it's also not a catastrophe.

I think you (and the lord 😬) knew he’d be doing the same things you did on holiday at that age. Getting blind drunk being one of them.

I think you’re having an understandable wobble because you’ve now see him in that state. No parent wants to see that, it’s horrible and worrying but probably inevitable until he learns how to drink without going too far.

You might cause bigger problems if you stop him going. Just remind him how much of his money he will be wasting if he spends the whole trip switching between paralytic and hungover. Also it seems his friend didn’t want him around in that state either.

He goes to college, they are the year above

I did say yes, so have no issue with him travelling- it’s that his usual sensible self seems to have disappeared lately. He is having a wobble and I suspect he’s using drink to cope. That is the conversation I had with him a few days ago. He took it on board, nodded in the right places, but has now done it again.

Will the friend who called his Mum to collect your DS not have a word with him about not drinking too much and ruining the fun for everyone else? It sounds like he's a decent mate who won't leave him drunk and stranded, but obviously he's not going to be happy if he has to cut his night short to look after your DS. Thinking back to my uni days and the people who struggled to know their limits and got overly emotional or passed out drunk, soon got told by friends to stop doing it and normally they got the message and learned to drink less.

If they're planning on doing some sightseeing, if he's hungover he might be too unwell to join in, so that may be a bit of a deterrent to getting blackout wasted.

sit him down and give him all the horror stories - prison, ending up in intensive care etc

i know parents who grounded their kids after very drunken behaviour so you could try getting firmer. He does need a letter from you to help him get through passport control so that could be your leverage

Next time he cones home so drunk , take out your phone and take some photos. Pose him with stupid items.
When he is sober, explain he was so out of it you took these photos, but it could have been worse, someone bad could have raped him, to robbed him or he could have made a baby and had 18 years of paying for it.

For me it is too late to stop him going but I wouldn’t anyway. Just keep channels of communication open with him and keep saying your message to him. We’ve had similar behaviour from our 18 year old DD but she was an adult then so we just keep talking her through. She is a great kid but no one is perfect. Your lad sounds the same.

Let him go. We were all 17 once.

I’d use the latest incident as a chance for another chat. Ask him why he got in this state again and what he thinks he can do to stop this happening abroad.

It is pretty normal behaviour to get drunk when you’re 17. Banning him from going on holiday, when he’s usually a sensible boy, is not the right way to deal with it.

Let him go, but have a sharp chat with him about the behaviour you expect at home

If I am understanding correctly, you are considering this holiday ban not as punishment, but because you are genuinely concerned DS might come to harm?

I do understand, but it’s actually really unlikely. Give him the horror stories, or better still, get his dad or an older male to do it. He will probably think you are being overprotective as his mum.

I would be inclined to wave him off (don’t think you can stop him really) and ask for a daily message so you know he’s okay?

Do you have him on find my friends? Or would that make you more worried 😂

To cope with what though having a talk about the fact he is using alcohol to cope (sounds like he is) and should stop doesn’t actually address how to help him cope which it sounds as if he needs

Let him go. They have to make their own mistakes. That's how they learn.

I have ring doorbell footage- it’s embarrassing

This - hammer this home. His mates will get sick of him.

Mine got blind drunk at home at 17 and embarrassed himself in front of his mates - DH had to take them home early. But he learned his lesson quick. The problem here is that yours hasn’t - so far anyway.

I do, I can see where he is. I’m not a helicopter parent at all - I’m more worried that he’ll come to harm because of stupidity.

I wouldn't. He will get himself into trouble. When hes 18 but not 17

Stopping him now isn’t going to solve that and is likely to actually make him feel more disconnected away from his friends and act out even more

as hard as it is yiu have to trust him on this one and talk through of you can help with the real issues and help him work them through

and explain that it could stay with him forever - my uncle got so drunk at 16 that his friends had to get my grandad who put him in a wheelbarrow and took him down the road back to his house with his friends following before leaving him to sleep it off on the floor of the lounge - this is still talked about 50 years later he doesn’t want to be the one his friends talk about (and I am sure we all have a story as well)

Thanks all.
I’ve briefly spoken with him, he’s got to go to work. He’s not happy (hungover) - I’ve told him we’ll speak later. I will let him go but he’ll need to acknowledge his behaviour and I’ll make sure he’s educated about the police where he’s going. They don’t look to kindly on pissed up brits. Also the fact he won’t be covered by insurance.

What are the alcohol laws in the place he is going - will he get into additional trouble if he is found drinking at 17?

Usually in a group it would make sense for one of them to not drink and be responsible for everyone getting back to the hotel, take turns doing this.
At 17 it's very hard to judge how much alcohol is too much - you can think you're ok then suddenly you are not.
I'd let him go.

I think I'd take the position that you're not saying he can't go as a punishment. You're saying he can't go because you can't be sure he'll be safe.

Most kids reckon that they can negotiate a punishment. But they know they can't negotiate safety. So, if he wants to go, he'll have to assure you that he can keep himself safe.

Which puts the onus on him to convince you about his behaviour, rather than you to convince him about it.