My child is not a possession

[Babycatsmummy]

Hello! I posted on here a few months ago about my MIL who came from abroad to stay with us and it was quite an experience. Luckily my partner turned out to be supportive and everything ended well.

Now I have a different situation with my own family and I’m completely mortified and embarrassed and wondering… am I the unreasonable one?!

DP, DC who is now almost 4 months old and myself have been staying at MIL’s abroad, she hasn’t been here as her daughter who lives 40 minutes away had a baby so she had been staying with her post c-section. 2 very close relatives of mine joined us during the second week of our stay here and it’s safe to say, it has been a truly awful week.

Relative 1 we shall call them is like a parental figure to me, having been bought up by them both. R1 is a very jealous person and has caused some really awful tension which ultimately has lead to a huge fall out. Where DP is from is a very family and community orientated village. You may not be related by blood here but you are always seen as family. We’ve been inundated with visitors which we expected and it has been lovely seeing DC meet the people my DP grew up up and I’m very grateful for the gifts we have received. I pre warned R1 that there is an open door policy here. Guests will turn up if you are eating, showering, sleeping etc and it’s a real “ my home is your home” vibe. Yes, it can get frustrating at times but I’ve become used to it after visiting here for years now. R1 became increasingly annoyed at people wanting to see the baby and hold DC when she was with him… bearing in mind she had “ open access” to him and spent all week with him. When people asked to hold him she told them no, he’s “her” relative and she is spending time with him. It got to a point I had to tell her that this is family and they will only see DC once a year so please stop being so unreasonable. This started R1 off into a really spiteful rant. As the weather is almost 40c here, we have been doing things in the evening or my DP has been taking DC to relatives to keep him safe from the heat. R1 thinks that we are keeping DC away from her on purpose because we don’t want her to see him. I couldn’t believe she had made this up. I explained I’m keeping my child safe from the heat. I was in the shade by the pool after was pink after 30 mins, imagine what the heat would do to a baby. She couldn’t grasp this concept and still maintained I didn’t want her to see DC. She told me I was a selfish bitch and a spoilt cow! She then stormed off and refused to come back until I apologised ( for what I don’t know) and I said to DP I’m sorry but that’s not going to happen. I haven’t done anything wrong.

MIL returned home to see us for 1 night to let her daughter have some time on her own and say goodbye to DP. She was playing with DC whilst I made him a bottle and R1 took offence to this and stormed off once again. When DP asked her what the issue was, she stated that his Mum had prevented her from seeing DC and was rubbing it in her face and stating her authority. She screamed at my MIL that when DC was born, she stopped my family from seeing the baby as she took over with hers which is untrue as they are all abroad, only a few cousins live in England. This went on for about an hour with R1 screaming at us all.
R1 then text other family members but sent it to me by mistake stating that I’d stopped her from spending time with DC… she had been with him all week feeding him, changing him, bathing him, cuddling him. R1 told them that MIL also had me “Running around like her personal maid” because I’d washed up, changed bed sheets and cleaned the house! I said this is not a hotel, and it’s not a self cleaning flat. Someone has to clean up after dinner!

R1 has informed me that I am no longer a part of her family and nor is DC. She shut herself in the bedroom and only came out this morning when I made breakfast which she didn’t even say thank you for.

R2 is absolutely mortified at her behaviour and has been shocked into silence.

I am staying abroad a few weeks extra for my SIL’s birthday and so they can spend more time with DC. R1 is fuming at this as she doesn’t see why I should be because it means she won’t see DC for 2 weeks!

Relatives have now left to go home. R1 wouldn’t even speak to me when they left. I have spent the last few hours in tears because I’m completely dumbfounded by her behaviour and can’t understand why she is treating DC like he is some sort of toy that can’t be shared 😢

Please tell me I’ve don’t nothing wrong because I feel terrible

Can't see that you've done anything wrong personally - R1 sounds unhinged and her reaction is really rude. I would imagine she is not familiar with the "family/ village" concept and had an unrealistic expectation of how much time she would have with DC. I'd swerve her for a while til she calms down.

Of course you haven't done anything wrong; R1 has issues.

R1 sounds as mad as a box of frogs. It's your child not hers. You will need to keep very firm boundaries with her and don't let her tantrums get to you.

Wow. So relative 1 lives in your own country and has access to your DC whenever she wants, but was complaining at the in-laws family being involved with DC for just a couple of weeks a year?

You've done nothing wrong. R2 needs to have a serious word with her when they get back, and should have been doing throughout.

Is R1 a step-parent to you by any chance? They sound extremely controlling and R2 is likely their fearful enabler.

You’re definitely not being unreasonable so don’t rush in and try to make amends with them.

Yes R1 can see DC whenever she likes. I see her regularly in the week and will pop in at weekends. She comes to baby classes with me too!

R1 is my grandparent.. my DC's great grandparent and I feel like she thinks she has a sense of entitlement because of this.

R2 unfortunately has been her punch bag for many years and he now just keeps quiet because he knows if he fights anyone's corner but hers then he's in for it. He couldn't apologise enough to my DP and his mum for her behaviour.

I am just completely mortified, devastated, embarrassed, sad. She had no reason to behave like she did. Everyone has been nothing but welcoming and warm to her. I screamed at her " what do you want from me? Do you want me to give you my child for keeps like a toy?? " and she said replied " no I want to see him!" And I said " he's right here in his cot!!!! He's always writhing 5 feet of you!!!" She lied to family members and told them we dropped DC off at MIL's daughters everyday but we didn't, MIL has only seen him a few times before we they came and last night.

I never ever suggest using access to children as a weapon. But I'd seriously cut down on the amount of involvement she has after this. Maybe still visit every week, but not have her come to baby classes etc? She's going to expect more and more and get even more possessive of you continue to let her tag along to these things as if she's DC's mother too.

How old is your grandmother? Is this normal for her?? Has she always been this difficult?
If not then a change in personality could indicate a medical problem that needs investigation.
She sounds nuts and I would not be seeing her once I returned to the uk.

You haven’t but people like R1 get away with all of this bollocks because no one challenges them.

Stick to your guns and distance yourself from them for good.

Why did your grandmother bring you up op? I’m just wondering if she was like this with your own parents or if your parents chose not to bring you up.

She sounds utterly batshit. Sorry but I cannot begin to understand family dynamics like this!

Can you talk to her openly? Something like you will always be important to me, you are like a parent to me and I want you to be in my babies life and important to them too. But other relatives also matter and we want them to meet the baby too.

If I am honest it sounds like massive insecurity and jealousy.

R1 sounds insane.

She's 75... my parents were young when they had me!

We have wondered if perhaps she is heading towards Alzheimer's, like her mum had towards the end of life. She has always been a bit "bitey" and doesn't like it when she can't have her own way. My Grandfather lets her control everything because that's how it's always been in their marriage

My mother suffered from really bad MH issues which were exacerbated by drug use and later on, alcohol addiction. My DD was around but he remarried when I was young and his wife pushed me out when they had children.

I have a very colourful family history 🙈 I never thought I'd have children as I'm an older parent and having DC has really bought out the envy in alot of my family members and it makes me so sad

I really tried, so did my DP but she told him " this is a family matter that doesn't concern you!"

So he is obviously living with her attitude

You don't owe your grandmother anything just because she brought you up. It is wonderful for a child to have grandparents/great grandparents in their lives if they are healthy, positive relationships, but grandparents have no automatic entitlement or right to their grandchildren (as many toxic grandparents have found out when they've threatened to go to court for access) and this behaviour is going to have a negative impact on you, your child and your DP and his family. If it were new or out of the ordinary behaviour I'd be worried about health issues/stress/jetlag and give the benefit of the doubt, but you say R2 has enabled her behaviour for years. You are not in the wrong at all and need to put your foot down now, and firmly, although she doesn't sound like she will ever respect your boundaries or change, so you probably need to start considering going low/no contact.

@SalmonAndHorseradish the grandparent here is really like a parent in practice.

Thanks for your answer. I just wondered if there was a link. But it appears not and I’m sorry you have had such a difficult upbringing. Your grandparents obviously love and care about you a lot. However, this is your life and your baby. She doesn’t get to dictate to you who can hold him and when. I can see this is causing you a lot of turmoil and agree with a previous comment from saraclara to curb how much time you spend with your grandmother by going to baby classes alone. You’ll get to meet and make friends of parents with similar aged children, which will be invaluable and provide instant playmates as your baby grows.

@Babycatsmummy that is sad. I would just let the dust settle. Ignore those pushing you into having little or no contact with her. Its far too soon to be making those decisions.
Have you tried talking to her husband about whether there is anything more going on that he could shed light on?

It's really hard to explain without giving you a huge life story about the relationship dynamics between them both.

I used to live with them as a carer for my grandad who has various chronic health conditions and it got to a point for my own sanity I had to move out. She is a bully and will threaten outrageous things if she can't get her own way. One example is she likes to spend money hand has been declared bankrupt previously. The house got signed over to my grandad and a few years later she wanted to move house but he didn't. She told him that if he didn't agree then she would divorce him and she actually went to see a solicitor! She made him cash on all his shares he had worth quite a bit of money to enable them to move. She is a very vindictive woman and I've tried to see past it because she is family, but after this week I just can't do it anymore x

It probably all comes from her own insecurity and need to control everything, she wanted 100% attention and wants to play the victim to boot. People like this tend to get worse and more spiteful as they age even further. I would go really low contact, if not no contact, as her behaviour is utterly abusive and unacceptable.

She sounds awful.

I'd be severely limiting contact with your child.

Send R1 home. They've outstayed their welcome and are behaving atrociously.

So in the four months since your baby has been born your MIL has been unreasonable and now your relatives have also been weird . Your life has much drama .