My child is not a possession

[Babycatsmummy]

Hello! I posted on here a few months ago about my MIL who came from abroad to stay with us and it was quite an experience. Luckily my partner turned out to be supportive and everything ended well.

Now I have a different situation with my own family and I’m completely mortified and embarrassed and wondering… am I the unreasonable one?!

DP, DC who is now almost 4 months old and myself have been staying at MIL’s abroad, she hasn’t been here as her daughter who lives 40 minutes away had a baby so she had been staying with her post c-section. 2 very close relatives of mine joined us during the second week of our stay here and it’s safe to say, it has been a truly awful week.

Relative 1 we shall call them is like a parental figure to me, having been bought up by them both. R1 is a very jealous person and has caused some really awful tension which ultimately has lead to a huge fall out. Where DP is from is a very family and community orientated village. You may not be related by blood here but you are always seen as family. We’ve been inundated with visitors which we expected and it has been lovely seeing DC meet the people my DP grew up up and I’m very grateful for the gifts we have received. I pre warned R1 that there is an open door policy here. Guests will turn up if you are eating, showering, sleeping etc and it’s a real “ my home is your home” vibe. Yes, it can get frustrating at times but I’ve become used to it after visiting here for years now. R1 became increasingly annoyed at people wanting to see the baby and hold DC when she was with him… bearing in mind she had “ open access” to him and spent all week with him. When people asked to hold him she told them no, he’s “her” relative and she is spending time with him. It got to a point I had to tell her that this is family and they will only see DC once a year so please stop being so unreasonable. This started R1 off into a really spiteful rant. As the weather is almost 40c here, we have been doing things in the evening or my DP has been taking DC to relatives to keep him safe from the heat. R1 thinks that we are keeping DC away from her on purpose because we don’t want her to see him. I couldn’t believe she had made this up. I explained I’m keeping my child safe from the heat. I was in the shade by the pool after was pink after 30 mins, imagine what the heat would do to a baby. She couldn’t grasp this concept and still maintained I didn’t want her to see DC. She told me I was a selfish bitch and a spoilt cow! She then stormed off and refused to come back until I apologised ( for what I don’t know) and I said to DP I’m sorry but that’s not going to happen. I haven’t done anything wrong.

MIL returned home to see us for 1 night to let her daughter have some time on her own and say goodbye to DP. She was playing with DC whilst I made him a bottle and R1 took offence to this and stormed off once again. When DP asked her what the issue was, she stated that his Mum had prevented her from seeing DC and was rubbing it in her face and stating her authority. She screamed at my MIL that when DC was born, she stopped my family from seeing the baby as she took over with hers which is untrue as they are all abroad, only a few cousins live in England. This went on for about an hour with R1 screaming at us all.
R1 then text other family members but sent it to me by mistake stating that I’d stopped her from spending time with DC… she had been with him all week feeding him, changing him, bathing him, cuddling him. R1 told them that MIL also had me “Running around like her personal maid” because I’d washed up, changed bed sheets and cleaned the house! I said this is not a hotel, and it’s not a self cleaning flat. Someone has to clean up after dinner!

R1 has informed me that I am no longer a part of her family and nor is DC. She shut herself in the bedroom and only came out this morning when I made breakfast which she didn’t even say thank you for.

R2 is absolutely mortified at her behaviour and has been shocked into silence.

I am staying abroad a few weeks extra for my SIL’s birthday and so they can spend more time with DC. R1 is fuming at this as she doesn’t see why I should be because it means she won’t see DC for 2 weeks!

Relatives have now left to go home. R1 wouldn’t even speak to me when they left. I have spent the last few hours in tears because I’m completely dumbfounded by her behaviour and can’t understand why she is treating DC like he is some sort of toy that can’t be shared 😢

Please tell me I’ve don’t nothing wrong because I feel terrible

It’s not hard to see why your mum had mh issues, and addiction issues.

After this week I would never speak to this woman again. And tbh if I was your DP I would be saying that while you could choose to have a relationship with this woman, she would not be seeing my child again.

So they had a free holiday and totally abused the stay.

Just because they are older, it's not a pass for being shit, even if there's cognitive decline.

Sounds demented to me (and I have experience, MiL is pretty bad) lots of confabulation and confusion.

Seriously, take a step back...

It's not without its fun that's for sure!

I'd not be seeing R1 again after this tbh, she sounds toxic and well mental quite frankly. Let her have her wish, she's no longer family. Ask her to leave, stop apologising and no more cooking or cleaning up after the ungrateful cow 🤷‍♀️

I would not get in touch with R1

I'd be waiting for a genuine and heartfelt apology.

I'd also have no qualms about telling other family members that R1s behaviour was entitled, rude & abusive for the duration of their stay & I was shocked & embarrassed by it. Shouting & screaming at you & MIL & in front of the baby is abuse.

When /if R1 apologises I'd state very clearly what my expectations are re behaviour but I'd also be seeing less of them. Baby classes etc would be alone & that would give me the chance to make some new mum friends

Can’t help wondering how much of the problems your parents had may have been caused by your grandmother.

My mum came from a really well to do wealthy family and had everything a girl could ask for. She turned to drugs in her teens and was always in trouble, then got pregnant with me at 18. She got pregnant with my brother 3 months after I was born and suffered from PND and was eventually sectioned. DB and went to live with my Dad at my Grandparents house ( his parents) and we were raised by them since we were babies.

I still see my Mum's Mum, she's the sweetest lady ever who unfortunately now is quite unwell. My mum does not speak with her... very long story about inheritance and other family issues.

The Grandparent involved in this is my Dad's side

What a dick comment. Reveals everything about your own prejudices @GodspeedJune

Oh god 🙈 my DP travelled home with them today but he gets off the train before them. He said goodbye and my delightful relative turned to him and said " you won't see me again, I'm done with you and your family. Your DC is your nationality through and through"

That's not only rude but so racist!!

That's outrageous OP. Shame on her. Let the dust settle and then a very frank conversation and she either apologizes and massively reins it in or she doesn't see you. They've shown their true colours and they're not good. Sorry you've had to deal with that.

@Redditchcycler when people have grown up around dysfunction, they can be slower to recognise and respond to it in adulthood.

So if your GM is demanding and controlling, when your MiL is that seems normal.

Drama attracts drama, chaos attracts chaos. My kids do not do drama. They run from it. They don’t deal with anyone at all erratic. They will never be in OP’s situation- but they will also miss out on parts of life that are a bit messy.

There's something very wrong with her.

I'm a grandma so I'm usually quick to try to empathise and understand grandparent issues. But sadly this woman is going to be poisonous for your child to be around. And your DH would be within his rights to refuse to have anything to do with her, it to have his cold around her

While it's easy to blame your GF for being ineffectual, it sounds as though he's the victim in an abusive relationship. I hope there's a way for him to be in his grandson's life.

I’d be telling R1 that she isn’t welcome in your life anymore and she will not be seeing your DC again.
She sounds crazy.

I've always tolerated my GMs behaviour for the sake of my GF- someone had to be there to make sure she didn't completely kill him off and whilst living with them I was the barrier that protected him from her. I had to move out as I'd had enough of her and had to put myself first and live my life.

I don't really get the comment of " drama attracts drama and chaos attracts chaos". I've had a stable upbringing with my grandparents and I cut my mum off as soon as I reached an age where I could make my own decisions.

DP has his flaws like everyone does but he is really the most calming guy. I had issues with his MIL crossing boundaries and being overbearing but that was quickly rectified and our relationship is now a positive one.

My grandmother has caused a huge rift between other members of the family who no longer wish to communicate with her because of her spiteful nature. Drama really only happens if you let it, in this situation, I didn't make it huge argument or retaliate, I let her have her rant and told her she's made her choice and that was that. I still made her food and treated her normally because you have to kill with kindness sometimes

I think you will be happier without her in you life.

I don't think I could ever forgive this behavior. I suggest you stay NC when she comes crawling back.

Your GM sounds like a classic narc. If you join the Stately Homes threads you'll see that asking for an apology is futile.

You'd be well within your rights to go NC but not seeing your grandfather would be heartbreaking. If she changes her mind about seeing you again and you want to do that too you're going to have to build strong boundaries so she can't mess with your mind or drip poison in your son's ear. Visit her house rather than let her come to yours so you control timings and make clear that uninvited visits are not on. If she shouts you leave. You'll have to treat her like the tantruming child she is. Best of luck!

Sorry, I wasn’t trying to be critical, just defending you from a PP’s insinuation.

I have a similar dynamic. It’s not that you create drama or go looking for it, but you tolerate your GM because while you don’t like it you’ve grown up to expect it. Others might run a mile at the first sign of that in someone else. Hopefully you and your DP can be calm and chill together.

How old is R1?
My Mum started having sporadic uncharacteristic behaviours about 30 years ago (late 50s)
Now aged 87 the uncharacteristic behaviour is all that is left. Usually when she doesn't get her own way or someone (usually me) suggests that she is wrong about something.

@SensibleSigma unfortunately DP left with my relatives as he has to return to work. I opted to stay out here a little extra to spend more time with family.

I have been really down since he left, had so many nice things we wanted to do but haven't been able too this time around.

She's 75!

I just keep sitting here wracking my brain thinking " did I do something wrong? Should I have let her take control of the baby all week?" But then I think no, she lives 20 minutes away from me at home and can come over any time she wants to see DC. I still can't get my head round the fact she is so jealous 😢

We’ve learned some triggers with our ‘R1’-

Basically it’s ’all about her’ so anything that restricts her freedom to do what she wants when she wants is going to cause trouble. When I visit mine, I can’t arrange to see anyone else while I’m there- she’s the centre of attention at all times. She doesn’t do well in groups unless she’s the star of the show or the hostess (while someone else does all the actual host work).

We also found she was good with the baby while she was in charge. She was awful when the baby developed opinions and needs beyond being a baby doll. The toddler to teen years were awful as she wouldn’t let them speak because they’d always be interrupting as she never stopped talking. Teens were a bit easier as they were able to understand how things were and didn’t need us while she was visiting.

So basically we arranged everything around her and trained the DC how to work around it- and kept contact low until they could cope.

I’m sorry you are feeling a bit low now.

You can't fix someone else's mental health.

You can love someone and find them difficult. It's ok to not like their behaviour.

It's not about you...it never was...

She's not even good with the baby which means I'm limited to what she can do with him 🙈 if he screams because he's hungry she is adamant it's just wind and I have to get him back to feed him. If he's in his cot and he's crying for attention then I will just leave him because he eventually goes to sleep. But when he starts full on screaming because something is wrong (you know your babies cries) she will ignore him because she tells me I'm spoiling him then goes off on one because I've picked him up. She complains that other family members will all the him when he's upset, and accuse them of "
Blocking her access" when she's made no attempt to go to him herself. It's just so many things in her head she feels I'm to blame
For

I think it’s best to take her at her word and not see her. She’s really screwed things up.

You are expending a lot of mental energy managing her. She really shouldn't have even visited you while you were away and rather should have let you have that time with your husband's family.

I wouldn't accept a perfunctory apology, either, she needs to acknowledge what she did wrong (she won't be able to) and address how it will change (it won't) before I'd allow any more than meeting at a park for a short time. Personally, I don't think I'd even do that, but I don't think you will cut off visits. She could live another 20 years, do you really want to spend your child's entire childhood being run roughshod over by her? How will she treat the baby when they start to know their own mind and have opinions? Want to spend time with friends?

It's very unlikely she will stay away, so you need a plan. Think of what happens in your house when she is there, are these the memories you want your child to have?