AIBU by not allowing my MIL to have any contact with our sons going forward?

[Eri2020]

Apologies in advance, English is not my first language and this might be long

I 34F and my husband 34M have been married for over 6 years and have 3 boys under 5. I am Hispanic and my husband is European, we moved to his country when our eldest was almost 1 and we have been living in his parents family home while our house is ready, is more like two apartments in the same house. The situation has come to a bad point and we are not sure what to do.

Background on MIL 60sF:
She is s very difficult person, overbearing pushy, zero respect for us as adults, as parents, the works (I have plenty examples) and as I come to find out recently, she is also racist.
It was manageable when it was just us but sense moving here I stared noticing she was treating our son like a toy: he could only play with what she wanted, the way she wanted or nothing, even if he cried,she would take away toys, not let him get away from her, not letting him eat in peace, not letting him bite anything (theething baby)or would use force to move him how she wanted, would stop him from playing with grandpa if she wasn't included, she wanted to force him to play in a sand pit knowing he can't cause he gets a bloody rash, etc (I have more examples), so we started to put boundaries with contact, we tried talking to her many times we even gave her boundaries in writing, she doesn't wanna change or understand. Over time it came to the point when she could only have supervised time with the oldest for an hour or two but only with my husband (she would fake she didn't understand me wen I tried to correct her and would ignore me). I didn't love it but it kind of worked.

Now this January during an argument with my husband that I was not part of, she made racist insults towards me and my husband yelled at her. But when I told him that it was enough and I didn't want her to have contact with the boys at all he started to packpedal a little, saying she didn't meant it that way, she said it instead of calling me the B word, she grew up in a different time and society. To me, there are so many insults out there that if you feel the need to use race as an insult you are racist, is inside you and why you are racist doesn't matter.
And you can't be a racist narcissistic asshole and still feel entitled and demand contact with mixed raced children.

Sense then she has had no contact with the boys and she is losing her marbles. She took away the keys of the area where we are living and the bathroom while we were out so we couldn't lock the doors, she only gave back the bathroom key and we had to put a deadbolt on the other doors but she can still get in when we are not inside. She also confronted me faking ignorance as to why no contact and when I told her if been racist didn't seem enough to her, she came at me screaming while I was holding my baby and I barely made it inside and closed the door with the deadbolt.

My husband is asking to go back to supervised visits because he says she is not that bad, she is not physically abusive and it would be good for the boys to have a grandma in their lives. He has fond memories of growing up with his grandparents cause they took care of him a lot while his parents worked and I think he wants the same for our boys, he also is not convinced she is racist.

To me that sounds insane, she is a horrible person and I don't want her anywhere near our boys, she doesn't even see them as people but as things that exist to make her happy. And I live stressed now not knowing what she would do next, nothing is better than her.

To be clear, my husband is very supportive and he says he is not gonna force it but is difficult for him cause is still grandma even if he also doesn't like her much. So I don't think I have a husband problem.he also has pressure from family.

We started family therapy in hopes of getting and unbiased opinion but it doesn't work like that so we are here looking for that.

So AIBU by not allowing contact anymore considering is the only grandma they physically have in here ?

My husband agrees with my description (knows I posted here), we have had multiple talks about this, she behaves in a similar way with adults ( Has tried to tell me how to dress, how to cut my hair, how to hand-write, etc the way she likes it better).
She also refuses any type of change or to admit she did anything wrong and hasn't try to apologize for what she said. We have tried talking to her about our concerns many times in a calm manner, she would say "I understand, I can do that" but would not actually do it.
Family therapy is kind of new but not really mind-blowing so far, is asking for our ideas on what to try to improve but we have tried all of ours already, that's why we went there.
I've been very patient for what I usually tolerate from people, even family, just cause is his mother and I'm technically a guest here but I'm really fed up when I'm the only one compromising. But I do admit that my unwillingness to just put up with her and just do what she wants cause " that just how she is " is creating more tension but I just can't.

How long are you going to be living in their house? This sounds like a confusing and upsetting situation for your children.

Psychological trauma, verbal abuse and emotional abuse is harder to heal from compared to physical abuse althoughphysicalabusecan leave you suffering from ptsd..keep your boundaries and stay no contact if your husband can not adhere to that then you need to question his Psychological health because it sounds like he has no sense of self, value, shaky on his morals and principles concerning loyalty to the truth, lacking in self awareness and possibly Stockholm syndrome just because it mummy...I don't care if its blood/dna principles, values hold more weight...I have the same issue except my child's father is racist...I cut him and all his family members off, no problem.

Ow I forgot move out of the home, why would your husband and you want to live with anyone but the family you created

She sounds awful but you are living in her home.

It's a pretty easy fix, leave.

To me, either you are being unreasonable or you do in fact, have a husband problem.

if you’re husband is right in that she’s ’not that bad’ then fine. If you’re right (and I have to say that racism and the pushiness does seem excessive), then you do have a husband problem because a) he thinks she’s not that bad b) he doesn’t want you to leave him alone. He’s not a child.

if you do not want your MIL’s interference or control, or even involvement with your children, then you should move out, rent, or go and stay with your family.

You are not being unreasonable, she sounds like a complete lunatic, I wouldn't let my kids around someone that treated them like that, I know it's hard on your husband and it's great that he isn't trying to force you, he is really stuck in the middle of something big, all the while you are living at the same place he wants to keep it civil I guess, if he turned against her, she may kick you all out, people keep saying about you living in her house, but it sounds like it's more of a flat where you both have your own floors and not a house, you and your children have not done anything wrong, as your children get older they may want to see her but when they are old enough to decide that, they will also ne old enough to see what she is like. I hope your house gets finished soon so you can have some peace.

Is your house watertight, heating, plumbing, electricity, utilities installed? If the answer is yes, you could move in now? 4 years is a long time to be working on a house.

I stopped my MIL from having contact with my kids because she's racist and we're ALL WHITE. You're absolutely not being unreasonable.

It is entirely reasonable to go and stay with your family while your husband sorts out the house. At the moment you and your kids are paying for the delay by living in a toxic oppressive environment where you are beholden to a person who is abusive to you... because your husband minght feel lonely?
If you and the kids are being looked after well by your family then he will be better off, he's just being shortsighted and selfish. Tell him that he will

1. Have less conflict and stress to worry about without you in the apartment beneath his parents
2. Know that you and the kids are being looked after so he can focus on work and fixing the house
3. Stop driving a wedge between (push apart) a. Him and his parents b. Him and you c. Him and his kids who knows that they are in a scary environment only so dad doesn't miss them and d. The kids, yourself and grandparents

Is he actually scared that you won't come back?

You don't need his permission to leave. Tell him it's happening and it is for the best for everyone. He can agree and be supportive which will mean you can trust him to prioritize your relationship and kids. If he "doesn't let you" then do you really want to be with this man? Go anyway.

Lastly, it's amazing that your kids are bilingual and anyone who is against this is an uneducated fool. Research proves it is exceptionally good for development and future success to have a second language.

She made a racially abusive comment about their mother, and people are saying she should still be allowed access to her mixed race grandchildren? And this isn't in isolation, but is part of a picture of a narcissistic, not to say abusive, person. Why do most people seem to be ignoring this as if it's something minor?

And in some European cultures it's more normal for extended family to live in the same house (or apartments within the same building).

I feel for you OP, you sound trapped. I think your DH isn't to blame, but he is minimising it a bit to avoid having to pay out for a rental place.

No, nothing, he is working on all of that right now so we can move to a livable home rather than a 100% ready house and keep working on it. I agree 4 years is too much (specially when he promised only one ), the first year and a bit was COVID so no house then few months finding and buying, then he started with demolition basically to the bones, then the building and is not a mansion but is not small house, two levels and he is doing it all by himself he expected extended family help (I think they offer, they are all in construction business), but when we didn't wanted to stay in this house permanently they all backed out. I didn't know we didn't have budget for workers but we don't, we are outsourcing big things. so he has a full time work, a Saturday job and every day after work he works again in the house, comes only to sleep, eat and see the boys, the man is barely human to me cause all the ward work he does. I think he just bit more than he could chew with the expectations that we had of help and the whole process to be easier, me been able to work, etc. I also trusted he had it all figured out cause he manages the financial part of our lives (I suck at that). We basically dig ourselves into this situation

Maybe, I asked him if he is worried I won't come back, but he didn't said anything. He might cause I also suggested I could work there to save money rather than just have a long holiday, but I'm thinking I'll bring it up in family therapy, cause I also think is the best option (unfortunately I do need his written permission to take them out of the country by myself, they are likely to ask in the aiport). Specially cause he keeps pushing how many months are left just so I don't lose it.

I'm also very proud of my boys, the oldest even understands English and uses some words,now that he is finally fluent in the 2 main languages without mixing I'm gonna start working on his vocabulary, middle boy speaks mixed at the moment like his brother at his age. I can't imagine anyone seen a little boy speaking 2-3 languages and thinking is bad, but here she is.

I will admit that I haven't read all of your posts @Eri2020, but in one of them you wrote "I have asked him several times to let me take the boys to my country with my parents and wait there but he doesn't want to be left alone here, understandably."
That speaks volumes.
Your DH doesn't want to be left alone with his parents/mother while you remove yourself and your kids to the safety of your home country and to your family.
Why is your DH bothering to fix your house? Why aren't you considering selling it in the state it's in and moving as far as possible away from his family??

Sorry if those questions have already been answered. I'll go back and read more of the thread now

Thank you all for your input, we are moving at the end of the month, is gonna set us back a bit with the house but is totally worth it.

Glad to hear that good luck going forward