AIBU by not allowing my MIL to have any contact with our sons going forward?

[Eri2020]

Apologies in advance, English is not my first language and this might be long

I 34F and my husband 34M have been married for over 6 years and have 3 boys under 5. I am Hispanic and my husband is European, we moved to his country when our eldest was almost 1 and we have been living in his parents family home while our house is ready, is more like two apartments in the same house. The situation has come to a bad point and we are not sure what to do.

Background on MIL 60sF:
She is s very difficult person, overbearing pushy, zero respect for us as adults, as parents, the works (I have plenty examples) and as I come to find out recently, she is also racist.
It was manageable when it was just us but sense moving here I stared noticing she was treating our son like a toy: he could only play with what she wanted, the way she wanted or nothing, even if he cried,she would take away toys, not let him get away from her, not letting him eat in peace, not letting him bite anything (theething baby)or would use force to move him how she wanted, would stop him from playing with grandpa if she wasn't included, she wanted to force him to play in a sand pit knowing he can't cause he gets a bloody rash, etc (I have more examples), so we started to put boundaries with contact, we tried talking to her many times we even gave her boundaries in writing, she doesn't wanna change or understand. Over time it came to the point when she could only have supervised time with the oldest for an hour or two but only with my husband (she would fake she didn't understand me wen I tried to correct her and would ignore me). I didn't love it but it kind of worked.

Now this January during an argument with my husband that I was not part of, she made racist insults towards me and my husband yelled at her. But when I told him that it was enough and I didn't want her to have contact with the boys at all he started to packpedal a little, saying she didn't meant it that way, she said it instead of calling me the B word, she grew up in a different time and society. To me, there are so many insults out there that if you feel the need to use race as an insult you are racist, is inside you and why you are racist doesn't matter.
And you can't be a racist narcissistic asshole and still feel entitled and demand contact with mixed raced children.

Sense then she has had no contact with the boys and she is losing her marbles. She took away the keys of the area where we are living and the bathroom while we were out so we couldn't lock the doors, she only gave back the bathroom key and we had to put a deadbolt on the other doors but she can still get in when we are not inside. She also confronted me faking ignorance as to why no contact and when I told her if been racist didn't seem enough to her, she came at me screaming while I was holding my baby and I barely made it inside and closed the door with the deadbolt.

My husband is asking to go back to supervised visits because he says she is not that bad, she is not physically abusive and it would be good for the boys to have a grandma in their lives. He has fond memories of growing up with his grandparents cause they took care of him a lot while his parents worked and I think he wants the same for our boys, he also is not convinced she is racist.

To me that sounds insane, she is a horrible person and I don't want her anywhere near our boys, she doesn't even see them as people but as things that exist to make her happy. And I live stressed now not knowing what she would do next, nothing is better than her.

To be clear, my husband is very supportive and he says he is not gonna force it but is difficult for him cause is still grandma even if he also doesn't like her much. So I don't think I have a husband problem.he also has pressure from family.

We started family therapy in hopes of getting and unbiased opinion but it doesn't work like that so we are here looking for that.

So AIBU by not allowing contact anymore considering is the only grandma they physically have in here ?

Sure. But one step at a time.

Tell DH you have booked the tickets and you will be back when the house is ready to move into, and not before.

Once you are in your own place it should be easier to have boundaries in place.

I wonder what your children think. I ask because my mother stopped me and my sisters from seeing our grandmother. They had issues, I didn't, I loved my grandmother very much. Apparently my grandmother was awful too, but I didn't notice. It's a special bond, I was closer to her than I've ever been to my mother. We also lived just across the road so I saw her every day before the 'ban'.
I also note that you have been happy to take a free home from her and your FIL for 5 years. He doesn't work, she does, so who is providing for you?

At the very least this woman deserves supervised time with her grandchildren.
I can't see the harm in that.

Is no secret I don't like her (no one in her live does to be honest, doesn't have friends, family never visits not even on birthdays or Christmas, BIL avoids her like the plague).
But this is definitely about how she treats the boys, her interactions with them are never about to get to know them, what they like, what not or even their safety, for her is about them having to do what she likes the way she likes it and if they resist she tries to force them, and is never in a "let me teach you this cool thing I like", is more on a " i don't care what you like you have to this cause I like it better". If is not about her it doesn't happen.
I don't want her to teach our children by her actions that their personal boundaries and comfort don't matter and that they have to do what the adult says cause they are little and are there to entertain, like hug if they don't want to, kiss if they don't want to, play with what their are told the way they are told, is a dangerous thing to teach to a child and we have explained this to her may times.
She has overfeed my 2y old even after telling her to stop cause she wanted to keep him on her lap, baby had upset stomach next day.
If they are enjoying time with grandpa and she is not part of the fun, instead of joining the fun she stops them, upsets the kids, and tries to make them do something she likes without him, instead of including.
She wanted oldest to play in sand, didn't care we told her it gives him a rash and she could get gravel that he likes better, she bought 2-3 different bags of sand and wanted to try anyways cause she wanted him to play on it .
The keys she took I needed them cause toddler can open the doors and get on the stairs and bathroom is outside main area so I needed to leave him safely in living room while I go to the bathroom or prepare a bath without him breaking his neck,but she didn't care.

If I'm ever this insane to treat my adult daughter in law and son like uneducated children that don't know what they are doing and then treat my grandbabies like things that exist for my enjoyment and not as people, even after many sit-down talks about their worries, I would totally spect to be alone.

Happy definitely not, in fact I didn't wanted to stay in this house at all but husband said it was best option financially and would be for a year tops, and I've been asking to get the hell out of here sense COVID ended one way or another but husband didn't wanted to. Husband provides for us,has two jobs, he is our sole income cause I don't speak the local language fluently enough to get a job (even online jobs in English ask me for local lenguage, I've tried) + now we have a baby.

The boys are little, oldest is 5 of course they don't see an awful person, they see a person that gives them candy, but he also says the random lady or dude in the street is his best friend. I had to explain to him what race is, racism and why he can't spend time with her in terms he would understand with the help of a book. He is alright, the only time he ask if she is home is to know if he can go upstairs to grandpa.

Yeah, I hear you. It doesn't sound like she is going to change. In that case it's reasonable to keep them away. Her feelings do count, but your children's safety matters more. Maybe once you move, have a polite communication on holidays and supervised visits where you are present and can make sure they are safe.

You are living in her house since before covid, adding 3 children to the mix, 3 extra people. Your house is still not done. Get a job, get the extra cash you need to rent, or pay for help to finish your own house. You've have 5 years to do this. Beyond cheeky fuckerism aside from anything else.

The thing is, as you are living in her home you are going to have to see her! Is your DH building your new home himself? Perhaps he needs to get a team in to help him finish it quicker.

Also I suspect your DH won't want to piss them off entirely if he potentially has a sizeable future inheritance.

You are totally totally unreasonable to deny this woman contact with her grandsons whilst living in her house. If she is not fit to see them even supervised then you should not be accepting charity/assistance from her. Your position is totally untenable.

So you’ve lived there more than 4 years rent-free and had 2 more babies while your husband is the only earner, so has taken several years to renovate a property?

His mother may be batshit but it does seem you’ve been taking the piss, somewhat.

This is going on years and you have continued living off her for years and continuing to have children while living in her house.
Take some responsibility here.
Your issue is your husband who doesn't care what you want.
Why have children in a situation that is so awful?
You are acting like you have no agency at all in your own life.

Eri2020
Unfortunately moving away right now is not possible :( My husband is fixing our house as fast as humanly possible, I have asked him several times to let me take the boys to my country with my parents and wait there but he doesn't want to be left alone here, understandably.

How much would the return flights to your home country cost for you and your three children? Several thousand euros in total for international flights? Do you have that money spare? Use the flight money instead to pay a skilled tradesperson to hurry along the work on your house to make it habitable. You and FIL can pop in and supervise the work for a week or two (even if your FIL is just there to translate) while your DH and MIL are at work.

So between him working two jobs, working on your home and supervising contact with his mother, when does behave time to sleep? Your house won’t be finished in 2-3 months time, he’s just saying that because it’s easier than being truthful.

You do have very much a DH problem. Tell your DH that you need a break and going back to your home country will do the trick. Could he be scared that if you went that you wouldn’t come back?

The more we prevent children from engaging with people who do differently to us, the less we are equipping them for the real world where everyone is different.

Unless there is actual abuse, banning children from engaging with people whose way of doing things we don’t like is completely ott.

so she doesn’t engage with them how you’d like. So what. They’ll realise soon enough and either accept this is just how they are or not bother with them as they grow up.

These constant calls to “go nc” do more harm than good.

Which bit are you struggling to believe? The racism?

Yes he is, all by himself cause is within our budget, that is why we are not renting somewhere else. I didn't wanted to come live to this house to begin with but I was already out on maternity leave by the time we decided to move here so all financial responsibility/decisions are on him, he said it was best and would be a year tops and I trusted him, had no reason not to. I tried getting a job before baby #2 and they all ask for the local language which I'm not fluent on (I had lots of complications finding a teacher) then we decided to have #2 cause again, it wasn't gonna be much longer, #3 was unexpected. Every year after we got the house hafter COVID was: "out before winter"
So by himself has to pay everything and do everything, I'm kind of trapped in a house I didn't wanted to live without the option of just pack and go cause I'm alone here apart from him.
Also no sizeable inheritance

I don't get where are a lot of people are getting the picture that I'm living here the big live alone, isolated with a racist woman that hasn't been the kindest sense we met. If it was up to me only I would have left sense COVID finished but is hard when you depend on someone else for absolutely everything. I know is my fault I got myself in this position but I'm trying to do my best to keep my kids safe.
She had supervised visits before because even if her behaviour is unhinged she wasn't hurting them in the physical way and she is grandma and we are in her house and all that crap . But you are putting the racist part to the side like is nothing which tell me you don't have that problem so don't think is important. But to me it is, I think that's crossing a line, I wanted to know if I'm unreasonable considering she is racist and unhinged not considering I'm trapped here cause I can't change that part alone, like I have to pay rent using my boys as coins.

We also tried paying to FIL but he would not take it, just some times for repairs.

That's why she had supervised visits with them and would just stop her when she was stomping on their boundaries too much (cause you don't teach children they exist to entertain adults whether they like it or not), but I draw the line at racist. They are gonna find it in the world but I aime to teach them is not something they have to tolerate from anyone, including family.

I don’t know why you keep posting saying how awful MIL is. It’s irrelevant what we think of her.

Are you actually going to protect yourself and DC from her and go home? Or are you going to stay there and just carry on complaining?

Do you and your husband have joint accounts op? Do you have access to money?

You’re living in her house. Best you move out.🤷‍♀️

Chill, just explaining cause some comments make it sound like I'm been unfair to a lovely poor grandma.
I get the main thing everyone is saying is I need to get the hell out of here ASAP and that is not reasonable or sustainable to live like we are right know. I'm definitely having that conversation again about going to wait back home with my family. I'm just clarifying is not as easy as to pack and go or I would have been gone ages ago.

No we don't, I have my own account but he is the one putting money in it basically just so I can get groceries, and small things I would need for the kids on the daily

Does your husband agree with your description of her treatment of the kids? I ask because there is an element of subjectivity to the actions you describe - you say she doesn't allow them to play as they want to but insists on a certain kind of play - another person might see that as her structuring the play/showing them how to use certain toys, etc.....

If he doesn't agree, then I think you have limited rights to refuse her access to them, because they are his kids too and she is his mom.

The racism is of course disgusting and I can see why you are so angry that she used a racist term for you, and that you don't want a racist around your kids. However, I do believe people can be educated to stop holding racist views - does she accept that using the racist term for you was wrong, and would she apologise for it? Because she is your husband's mother, I would potentially be open to accepting that that was a (admittedly very serious) mistake on her part, and that if she promises to never use racist slurs again, it could be possible to move on?

I certainly agree with others that you CANNOT continue to live in her home while refusing her access to the children - that is inhumane - if you wish to pursue this course of action you MUST move out ASAP.

I am interested in what the family therapy has revealed to you, if anything. Are you open to accepting that any aspect of your behaviour and mindset could be something you might look at adjusting? Or are you totally convinced that your view of the situation is correct in all aspects?

Did you not read the abusive things she has done to the kids? They are definitely in harm's way when they are with her.
Who cares if it's a blow to that crazy bitch. If she wanted them in her life that much she'd treat both the kids and OP better.
Shared DNA means nothing. She has no love to give. Therefore the kids can derive no benefit from having her in their lives.

he could only play with what she wanted, the way she wanted or nothing, even if he cried,she would take away toys, not let him get away from her, not letting him eat in peace, not letting him bite anything (theething baby)or would use force to move him how she wanted, would stop him from playing with grandpa if she wasn't included, she wanted to force him to play in a sand pit knowing he can't cause he gets a bloody rash, etc (I have more examples

This is abuse. Wake up.