Is this relationship normal or is it me with the problems? Please help give some insight…

[DepressionORlife]

I’ll start off by saying that both children are ASD and are very alike dad so there is suspected ASD there but he refuses to have an assessment.

Teenage children and we have bumbled along for years with me basically doing everything that requires any emotional input and I’m starting to unravel and not cope with it all.

Im waiting for an ADHD assessment so it’s really hard for me to know if my emotions are in line with others especially as every time I get upset about anything at all, DH will either completely ignore it or say “ I don’t know why you’re crying “ or “ You get upset over the stupidest things “

We have been away last week and he’s got to do a lot of the stuff he loves doing as well as a few family type activities but due to the kids being completely different personalities we tend to have to split a lot anyway.
All meals are separate as one is vegetarian and won’t eat in restaurants for instance so not a whole lot of time spent altogether.

Last night, we were back and unpacked and I sat on the sofa and asked him when he was visiting his mum as it’s her birthday this weekend and was met with a “ I’ve just had a 3 hour drive with DS ( which was actually 4 hours prior and he had spent the rest of the time fiddling with his ebike ) I am not talking anymore “

I started getting upset and said that I was only asking a question about his mum - I’ve got the presents already wrapped for her despite not being close to her but because I knew he wouldn’t do it and then would pick up a lousy bunch of flowers on the way there like every year and he said “ We’ve just spent 5 whole days together what more do you want? “

I couldn’t help crying and then was met by the usual response of “ You’re always upset about something “ and “ I’m tired, it’s not a crime “

The children then heard some of this and one of them defended him saying that he’s always been like this so why am I making it into a problem and the other said we should separate as it just doesn’t work.

I don’t know what to do anymore

If I were you I would limit the things you take responsibility for.

Your DH sets limits when he needs space.

You do the same. Just say to him that you've been thinking that's it's important you manage how overwhelmed you get. As part of that you won't be organising his family cards/birthday presents from now on or reminding him about those.

And that you think this will be helpful for you and for your relationship with him.

You cannot do everything. Instead of trying to and then being furious with the others in the family, just set your own limits and make sure you also take the space and time that you need for yourself.

If his mother doesn't get a gift/card as a result, that is to do with him and her, not you.

It sounds as though he had run out of anything to give. He wanted blessed nothingness after a long drive then snapped when you innocently gave him another 'task' to think about.
I understand this feeling and I understand how you feel too. He was impatient and rude to you when you intended no offence.

Like another poster says, it's his job to worry about his mum's birthday.

It sounds like your partner is very good at setting boundaries about what he does/doesn't do and you are really hopeless at it.

It's his mother. Up to him if he doesn't visit, visits but with some supermarket flowers or visits with carefully considered wrapped gifts. His choice appears to be one of the first 2.

You seem to be interpreting his boundaries as gaps you need to fill. So buying his mother a gift, organizing his visits to her etc.

Filling all these 'gaps' is going to annoy your partner (he doesn't think they are gaps) and exhaust you.

You need some boundaries of your own. Just because your partner isn't doing something doesn't mean you need to do it instead.

I agree with all the PPs. After a long drive I’d want my space too, and a birthday would not be top of my list. Give the man space and don’t run around doing things that are his responsibility not yours!

I think you’ve all hit the nail on the head with the boundaries.

This is just one of many examples and the children have basically been raised and emotionally supported by me for their whole lives and it’s taken a massive toll on me as I’m not able o enjoy time away from them as I know emotionally he just can’t meet their needs so I’ll be inundated with messages and requests from the kids whenever I’m out as they don’t have a lot to say to him as he doesn’t have a lot to say to them - one in particular who is so alike him.

I am really resentful that I didn’t see these issues beforehand and now I can’t leave because it’s nobody’s fault.

I would have quite liked space too but the nobody would have don’t the dog walk or the washing that needed to be done from the holiday stuff, dinner, helping one of the kids calm down who was in a panic over her timetable for next year at school - all whilst he fiddled around with his Ebike for 4 hours

Ok - as other PP have said - set boundaries and prioritise what’s important for you and your home. With the long list of stuff you were sorting your MIL’s birthday should be bottom of the list and didn’t really need any of your headspace,

Going forward you really need to stop filling DH gaps and be kind to yourself. You need boundaries and time as well as him. If he forgets / buys supermarket flowers for his mum , that’s ok. Your kids constantly messaging when you are out - are they matters of real urgency i.e. risk to life and limb or are they just ……. Can’t find / don’t want etc. If the former of course you need to act , if the latter your kids ( I know it will be tough ) but they need to learn that not everything can happen as soon as they decide. The reality is if you keep going as you are you will burn out and then they won’t have you , so better to help them build up some resilience / self reliance so they get a little independence from you and you get so well earned down time.

I know it’s really tough but you can’t carry all of this on your own. You deserve time out and boundaries as well

Thank you - I find this really tough as I feel so bad for them that they don’t have two parents who are capable of being emotionally available so then I constantly fill in every gap possible but I can tell my brain and body has had enough 😢

You really need to stop organising his life for him as others have said, it's his mam so his problem. Let him organise visits and presents and if they don't happen that's not your problem.

As for the kids messaging you while you're out, before you leave make it clear you need x amount of time to yourself and unless it's life or death to not contact you. If they do, ignore them. They'll get the message eventually.

The washing doesn't have to be done right now and if your DH and kids are hungry they can feed themselves. (Assuming your kids are teens. If they're younger than of course feed them) As mothers we can run ourselves into the ground doing everything for everyone else. I had to learn to sometimes put myself first. If your tired rest. It's not the end of the world if they have cornflakes for dinner one night.

Oh and you can leave a relationship at any time for any reason. It doesn't have to be someone's 'fault'. If you're not happy leave. The fact your children are telling you to separate says it all really. Sounds like none of you are happy with the current set up.

It sounds like he was still in holiday mode, but you went straight into "reality" mode - neither of you are wrong, just different.

You don't have to come back from holiday and leap straight back into doing all the chores and worrying about what's for dinner. Washing can be done as and when, the dog doesn't need to be walked straight away and dinner on the first day back can just be a chippy or a pizza.

In terms of his mums' birthday - just leave it. You don't need to get involved in presents or when he's going to visit. If he wants to buy her cheap flowers then that's up to him. I'm not sure I'd appreciate my DH getting involved in my mum's birthday, and I'd never have dreamed of asking him what he was doing for his mum - it wasn't my business.

It sounds like he's very good at setting boundaries but you feel the need to maybe compensate for that and go a bit OTT. Your kids are teenagers, now is the ideal time to step back and give them some independence.

Lots of people talking about the DH being entitled to set boundaries, but it would appear that his ‘boundaries’ mean not having to do anything he doesn’t enjoy, and leaving the OP to do it. He’s also massively dismissive and inconsiderate of her feelings while expecting her to considerate of his, at all times.

If the OP can’t ask a really simple and innocent question like ‘When are going to go over to your Mum’s?” without getting snapped at or told to be quiet, there is something badly wrong and frankly she must be walking on eggshells the whole time. It’s no way to live.

This! If OP set her boundaries the same way her husband does, the kids would presumably be badly neglected. He's doing what he wants while she holds everything together and does all the emotional labour.

I agree!

Would the kids be badly neglected?

OP appears to have set herself a target of meeting all her children's wishes immediately.

For those of us who grew up before mobile phones, the idea of constantly messaging your mum when she is at work seems bizarre. It would help the kids to have to find their own solutions and fill their own time.

Your DH may or may not be autistic, but he may also just be an arsehole.

If the OP can’t ask a really simple and innocent question like ‘When are going to go over to your Mum’s?” without getting snapped at or told to be quiet, there is something badly wrong and frankly she must be walking on eggshells the whole time. It’s no way to live.

Well, I suppose it depends - how often is she asking? Does she often ask constant questions? etc.

I agree in principle that it's a normal question, but as always with these things, it's the background that matters.

Yes, this too.

It's not neglect for a parent of teenagers not to respond to text messages immediately, or not to get home from holidays and immediately leap into action sorting laundry and walking the dog.

You can't fill in every gap possible for two children - who are teens not tinies. It's just not possible.

No children have perfect parents who are both 100% emotionally available 24/7.

Perhaps their dad is the less emotionally available one. Perhaps though he is good for other things (eg the driving or whatever).

Your life's mission is not to ensure your teen children never suffer a moment of discomfort or frustration or that your MIL never feels disappointed with her birthday gift from your DH or even that the dinner is always cooked.

No one will die if these things don't happen.

But you'll lead a miserable existence if you keep trying to do it all, all the time.

Take some time to do what you want to do, when you need to do it. Your kids are teens, they and DH can figure out how to wash some clothes or walk a dog or make some dinner.

For teens with ASD you do have to be more involved than average though. I wouldn't jump to answer if it was my NT teen, but for the ND one I generally do because she needs a lot of support regulating her emotions. She has ASD alongside a number of mental health problems, so you can't just leave her to get on with it in the same way.

OP has two teens with ASD so there's a lot of support needed there, and her husband isn't providing any of it, but expects her to manage his emotions too.

I was a teen with autism and mental health problems (diagnosed and medicated) but it simply wasn't possible for my parents to jump and answer me immediately.

Yes, ASD teens can potentially need more support than others, but equally, very few parents work in jobs where they can just answer their phone or check it constantly.

Fair enough, but it doesn't really change the fact that OP's husband is disengaged from his kids, rude and dismissive of her feelings. Even if you disagree with the level of support she is currently trying to provide to her kids, she should still not have to do it all alone and tiptoe round her husband's moodiness too.

Quite.

These days having boundaries is just a euphemism for having no sense of personal responsibility, no empathy and no consideration of the impact of one's actions on others.

Her husband is not setting a boundary by buying his mum a shit gift or by being nasty to the OP for asking a simple polite question.

He's an absolute dick OP who dismisses your emotions. Sounds like he expects women to do the hard yards but also always be quiet and small.

Is she made to do it all, or choosing to do it all?

I think it's an important distinction - because, for the most part you don't need to come back from holiday and leap straight back into housework, sorting dinner and worrying about the dog.

In terms of his moodiness, I absolutely agree that it's not nice to be snapped at, but after a long journey and lots of driving, sometimes people are just tired and not in the mood for chatty conversation - I know I'm like that and so is my dad (also autistic) - it prevents burnout.

Having said all of that, if OP is unhappy then it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks - she doesn't need to stay in a relationship that causes her upset.

I don’t know who is right or wrong OP but from your descriptions you do seem a bit exhausting… your kids don’t need total emotional availability ( what even is this??) or to be texting you all the time.
I get it, I have a teen like this. He wants Mum to be on hand at all times even when another adult is around and I’m at work! I ignore. Amazingly he manages to find/ cook/ sort whatever the so urgent thing was.
I blame myself because I was a lone parent so just automatically did everything for everyone. You need to chill a bit. You can’t be everything to everyone. Your husband might be a selfish turd OR he might just be knackered dealing with your intensity. Only you can know that.