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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Birth order-middle child

51 replies

Sizeofthatcroc · 24/08/2024 11:07

Do you believe in middle child syndrome and different characteristics due to birth order?
I’m the middle child and have also got a couple of friends with three children. I notice something with the middle child, they are often the butt of the jokes in the family, not exactly in a mean way, but they’re often a bit separate from the rest.
incidentally, in these families, the middle children are my favourite/the most likeable

OP posts:
Butwhybecause · 24/08/2024 13:26

I think it depends on the sex of the child.

A middle girl between two boys or a middle boy between two girls won't suffer but I have noticed with friends, where they have a second child of the same sex soon after the first, then the second one suffers (perhaps they're considered a disappointment?).

Often, when they grow up, the second child is more thoughtful and loving than the first!
That's only from my observations.

Crunchymum · 24/08/2024 13:27

My middle child is definitely the most caring, easy going and selfless of my 3.

I wonder if it's because they are used to "deferring" to the oldest and "taking care" of the youngest. Even though they've never been expected to fulfill these roles, I notice it's how things have panned out.

LegoHouse274 · 24/08/2024 13:27

Sizeofthatcroc · 24/08/2024 11:23

@Bushmillsbabe Or they feel left out/scapegoated perhaps? I’ve noticed with these families the eldest and youngest seem to get on more and almost gang up on the middle child

I appreciate this is all totally anecdotal for both of us, but I'm one of three and in our three the eldest and middle child are much closer than any other grouping. And have always been that way tbh except for perhaps the angsty teen years. Opposite sexes too.

Butwhybecause · 24/08/2024 13:28

Tulipvase · 24/08/2024 13:24

My middle child is probably the naughtiest but also the most capable (in life skills) and outgoing.

I always think the youngest tends to be the naughtiest as parents are more lax.
Apart from me, I'm the exception 😃

LadeOde · 24/08/2024 13:30

Interesting thread and also a middle dc. I lived with my teacher at some point and they had 3 daughters, and a 4th a son. The 1st dd (12yrs) mostly spent her days lounging about reading novels and comics and when asked to do any chore would eye roll and complain so she didn't get called much. The youngest DD was very feisty & quite gobby and very pretty too and didnt do anything. The middle DD (10) seemed to lack spark in outward appearance and seemed more subdued. She did the lion share of the chores in the house -Cooking, cleaning, mopping, sweeping, washing clothes things that i (14yrs at the time) thought were way too much for her physically.

TheScenicWay · 24/08/2024 13:34

MyDogsPaws · 24/08/2024 12:29

I am a middle child and I have 3 dc and I think the problem with middle children is they struggle to get noticed. The elder always has an only child stage and then spends the rest of childhood being the oldest, doing things first etc. Then the youngest is forever the ‘baby’ of the family and gets treated differently because of this, the middle child is just stuck in between being ignored.

I try really hard to make sure my middle dc gets a fair share of attention but she is far more independent than the other 2 and always has been. She always reminded
me of Matilda in the film where she can get herself dressed and things as a toddler because dc2 has always been like that too and it makes me wonder if I am a terrible neglectful parent like the mr and Mrs wormwood or if it’s just her personality!

It's the same with my dc. My middle dc will happily go somewhere on his bike even though I offer him lifts. Eldest will usually ask for a lift.
I think it started because he wanted to be like his older brother and be independent as quickly as possible. He'd refuse to drink from a sippy cup and wanted a normal cup like his brother, even though he'd Chuck most of the drink on himself!
I've always been strict on behaviour and how they speak to each other so they all get on ok and the teasing is usually for anyone and everyone fairly.

SmileyHappyPeopleInTheSun · 24/08/2024 13:35

I don't think it's just birth order that has an effect, sex, age gaps and personality are just as important

I think this - I think my experience of being a middle child with largish age gaps is very different to DS - boy in middle of sisters with very small age gaps.

I did feel left out of elder and younger stuff but my kids act more like a group - and all get on and involve each other - DS isn't noticeable left out or butt of jokes - is often sought out by both his sisters.

Itsjustmeheretoday · 24/08/2024 13:37

Birth order is definitely a thing, there's lots of research on it

NotSmallButFunSize · 24/08/2024 13:38

My eldest is the one on his own as my girls are besties.

I am a middle and am absolutely not easy going! 😂

FilthyforFirth · 24/08/2024 13:42

The middle child in my family was a massive nightmare growing up, so I am a believer in middle child syndrome..

There a lots of reasons I stopped at 2 but one of them was wanting to avoid making my 2nd a middle child!

Plastoslax · 24/08/2024 13:42

They say the middle child is well balanced: with a chip on each shoulder 😄

As a middle child I will admit that I really didn't (and still don't) see the point of the third child. We were fine without them (my well worn comment on the situation as a child)

I think my siblings personalities are very much influenced by their birth order. Eldest very responsible and sensitive, youngest: cocky and confident.

FilthyforFirth · 24/08/2024 13:45

Plastoslax · 24/08/2024 13:42

They say the middle child is well balanced: with a chip on each shoulder 😄

As a middle child I will admit that I really didn't (and still don't) see the point of the third child. We were fine without them (my well worn comment on the situation as a child)

I think my siblings personalities are very much influenced by their birth order. Eldest very responsible and sensitive, youngest: cocky and confident.

Yep same in my family! I am the boring sensible eldest and the youngest is cocky, overconfident etc. The middle just has a constant chip on their shoulder

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 24/08/2024 13:51

@Sizeofthatcroc first born will always be the favourite, the last born will always be the baby, and the middle child, well, say no more! left to grow up more independent and thus not under the thumb and cannot be controlled by mother!! able to stand on own two feet without any help from parents!! been there, done that, worn the tee shirt right out!! please note my user name! 😃😅😅

TotHappy · 24/08/2024 13:51

I'm the second of 4 but there was a gap of 6 years between 3rd and 4th so was middle for a long time.
I'm the favourite, I'd say. And also one of the most easygoing. My sister (3rd of 4 so became a middle aged 6) was the most wild and bonkers and the cheeky/performer one.
My son is the middle of three, 2 sisters. He's happier and more mellow than his sister, but so was she at that age - we'll see.

Barleysugar86 · 24/08/2024 13:57

Sizeofthatcroc · 24/08/2024 11:23

@Bushmillsbabe Or they feel left out/scapegoated perhaps? I’ve noticed with these families the eldest and youngest seem to get on more and almost gang up on the middle child

Not my experience at all. I was close in age to my elder sibling and younger sibling and played well with both, but the 8 year gap between eldest and youngest meant they didn't have much in common, so I was the one they both 'wanted'. I loved being a middle. I find it quite a strong place to be in the family.

GoodSummerDays · 24/08/2024 13:58

I have 3, but the middle was the youngest for 9 years before youngest came along so I really have an eldest and two last borns rather than a middle..
Eldest and youngest get on but age gap is massive so that helps. Middle and youngest irritate eachother sometimes but I think that's because their age gap isn't really compatible. Eldest and middle are 5 years apart and sometimes row.

Eldest and middle had established hobbies before youngest arrived so sometime I feel like focus is away from youngest, but they get a lot more time with us parents due to still being young.

Swings and roundabouts really! I'm the youngest of 5 so I'm very used to sibling dynamics.

eggandchip · 24/08/2024 14:05

My mum had 5 kids eldest she hated middle 3 dont think she saw us only when she wanted something done youngest golden child.
Anything went wrong it was one of us 4 not the golden child.
The eldest took on mum role for the rest of us.

But i thank my mum for a lot hard to believe but i do.

Hugmorecats · 24/08/2024 15:19

How does living between two families affect birth order? My youngest lives 50/50 with me and her dad. While with me she is the youngest, whereas with her dad she’s the middle child.

ladydeedy · 24/08/2024 15:32

The great thing about being the middle child is that the first one has already broken all the ground. You're also not the "baby" and spoilt. I've often heard (and tend to agree) that the middle child tends to be more independent but also better at getting along with more people and being something of a "peacemaker".

kenamapool · 24/08/2024 16:08

I think personalities are more complex than that and I don't think birth order has had any effect on mine. I'm a middle child and don't feel I was the butt of jokes in the family. I also don't think I'm the most likeable of my siblings - I'm not very sociable and keep myself to myself. I'm definitely not the most easygoing or funniest. I'm the most academic and creative, and the biggest risk taker of my siblings. I think I would still have the same traits whether I had been born first or last, they are very ingrained in me. The youngest sibling isn't cocky at all, I'd say she's a bit flighty and less sensible.

I have 3 but I had my middle after a long gap so she had plenty of attention. Also had a big enough gap between middle and last so the baby had lots of individual time while sister was at school. We are also very hands-on parents so we spend time giving one to one attention to each of the younger dcs (eldest is an adult now).

elozabet · 24/08/2024 16:44

Yes. Think birth order is a factor but one of many that affect us.

I can see it in my own family (several examples) but it does depend on the age gaps and whether same or different sex etc.

aren't the first borns most likely to be the most successful (quite driven etc) whereas the babies of the family most likely to travel the world (more carefree). I think the middle child is just different to the other siblings - more of a need to carve out their own niche in the family.
I don't think it has a massive effect but I think it does affect how we turn out.

MargaretThursday · 24/08/2024 16:47

I'm middle. In most ways I don't mind. My dm was also middle so she was aware and made sure that I didn't too much get hit by "You two older ones are too old to go to the Christmas party but you two younger ones really must get to bed now." I was almost exactly in the middle with 3 years between me and each sibling.

But, in common with every family, there were issues.

One of mine was that #3 was difficult, #1 not easy, and I am fairly certain both #1 and #3 would have been diagnosed with ASD now.
I was always the one expected not to make a fuss and compromise to make life easy. I normally did. If I did try making a fuss I was treated as disappointing (despite making less fuss than the other two did) my parents. One example was when I was about 8yo, #3 was nearly as tall as me and was making a fuss about their bike being too small. So mine was changed for them. No we couldn't share-they needed stabilisers. When I complained I got the comment that their bike was too small so I was being mean because if they hadn't done that they wouldn't have had a bike. It was 2 years before #1 grew out of their bike and it was able to be passed down to me.

However I think that was personality, and at times I've gained hugely, especially with df for whom compromising normally means he gives back far more than you expect. The other two argued, so he stayed firm. They said that wasn't fair. They still do. I say I just learnt how to handle him. My gain.
On similar subject, they'd say I was always jammy. Actually we say it about my middle one too. But I'd argue that actually a lot of the time they said I was jammy it was simply that I handled other people a lot better than they did.

Other issues that you could say were being the middle, were probably more to do with having girl, girl, boy. So we were expected to help far more in the house and drop everything to do it, which I suspect was a lot to do with being girls than being older, and also #3 made so much fuss if asked, that it wasn't worth the hassle.
It was a standard thing if all three of us were set to do a household task, #3 would pick a fight within 2 minutes and walk off in a huff, and we'd be told off for "upsetting them" and they wouldn't do any more.
I used to feel I only got 2nd hand stuff. Because #1 would pass down to me, then #3 would get new because he needed the "boys'" one. I remember one time being got a new coat, I think almost my only brand new one until teenage, and it having to be a blue boys' one so it would pass down to #3, while #1 and #3 got to choose. As a parent, I can sympathise - we didn't have much money, the surprise is more we got new coats. Maybe my grandparents paid?

I think the thing that did effect me as the middle was presents. On about three or four occasions #1 got a present I really envied. And I asked for the same, for my next birthday/Christmas. On each of those I was told I wasn't allowed it because it wasn't fair on #1 if I got them 3 years younger.
On each of those #3 got the item at the same time or for next birthday/Christmas because "it wasn't fair if they were the only one who didn't have them." And no, it wasn't items that meant they couldn't join in without, eg one was a watch.
Similarly a lot of rules that were set for me and #1 when #3 was too young for them, never got set for #3. Bedtimes were one example. Mine was always 30 minutes before #1. #3 didn't get given a set bedtime, so it ended up being they went to bed at the same time as me.

Most of things I felt were unfair as a child I can see, as a parent, had their reasons behind and can accept that even if I didn't like it, it wasn't done for bad reasons. The presents, I can't see any good reason at all still, other than stopping #3 stropping about it, which actually I don't think he was that bothered by the items, so I don't think he would have.

But I had 3 myself so I can't have minded too much about it, and although my middle one would tell me she's the most hard done by and both the others have it far easier; the other two would disagree thoroughly and they are, for the most part right. 🤣

Edited to say I've thought of something that did effect me:
#1 was a very hard worker and clever. #3 was meant to be so clever that adults held their breath when they talked about him. And I was piggy in the middle doing okay, but not expected to do brilliantly.
So I stopped working except the necessary. It was easier to not do the work, then tell myself that maybe if I'd worked as hard as the other two that I'd have done as well than accept the evidence that I'd worked hard and not done as well.
When I was an adult I was thinking about this, and realised that actually I did better at GCSE level, and at A-levels did the same. It honestly never occurred to me as a child, and it was never said to me either. So either the other two didn't work as hard as I'd always been told, or they weren't as massively cleverer than me as I'd always been led to believe.
Sometimes I wonder if I'd worked hard how well I'd have done.
I suspect that was again more to do with personalities than being middle though.

elozabet · 24/08/2024 16:49

I also think the baby of the family gets away with murder ! Especially if older siblings close in age. Parents more relaxed (knackered) and older siblings pave the way.

GrouchyKiwi · 24/08/2024 16:57

I'm another who has three girls.

My eldest is autistic, so that changes things. She gets on best with the middle child.

Middle DD is our outgoing one, fearless, up for anything. I suspect she'll be the responsible one when they're teenagers as DD1 tends to get overwhelmed by things (although she does have a sensible head on her shoulders when she's not feeling stressed).

The youngest is the funniest. And the one most likely to be left out by the other two. And not babied at all because she will not let us. Grin

user6738209871 · 24/08/2024 17:01

I’m married to a middle child. He has endless complaints about eldest doing no wrong, youngest being family pet. He was prepared to have 2 or 4 kids, but under no circumstances 3.
I will say though that he has massively outperformed his siblings in career/earnings, and is a great man, but he blames his poor relationship with his mother on being the middle child. MIL meanwhile would insist they all had a perfect childhood and were perfectly happy and get on well as adults. They don’t! Like QE said - recollections may vary!