Or is there a solution I can't see?

[Emeraldiisland]

Two weeks ago my 16 year old DD had an unexplained seizure. She is okay now but the hospital advised she is not to be left alone until she sees neurological team (5 month wait).
Admi we don't stick to this all the time, as she obviously doesn't sleep in our room or anything but in the day either me, DH or eldest are with her.
She wants to go to college in September and DH said to me I will have to take her and pick her up every day but I don't think I can. To start with it's a round trip of 90 minutes so 3 hours a day and second what do I do with my son?
He's starting school on a very reduced timetable but I can't get him in for 8:45 and get my daughter to college for 9. I mean l could drop her off early but I'd probably have to leave at 7 and drag my son along (totally ready for school) to make sure I'm back in time for school.
DS will be shattered and that leads to huge meltdowns (he's severely autistic)..
I will then have to take him with me to pick her up. I can't leave him at home as DD1 and DH will be at work.
The only solution I can see is to defer DS until January and pray she's seen by then but I fought so hard to get him starting in September and tbh he needs some routine and since leaving nursery he's become quite clingy so I was hoping school would help in that way. He's going to be at a disadvantage when he starts school due to addional needs but think he'll be at an even bigger disadvantage if he starts when the class is established, they all know the routine and have friends and he is new and on his own.
Uber isn't going to be practical until January as the cost will be too much and obviously going by bus could be a risk if she has another seizure.
At the moment options seems to be
Take her to college super early
Risk her getting the bus
Defer DS (which is easiest but I really really want to avoid).
I don't think there's an answer but if anyone can think of something please let me know.

If she’s travelling on a bus and it happens, someone will call an ambulance, but if you drop her off super early she may be on her own at college.
Not the best solution and it’s a tough one for you to manage

If she gets the bus she won't be on her own will she? The doctor has probably meant for her no to be left completely alone where no one can assist her or call 999 if she has a seizure. If she were to have a seizure on the bus there would be someone there either the bus driver or a member of the public to call for help. Tell her to sit at the front of the bus or close to another person. You could also buy her one of those medical bracelets with instructions to call 999 of she has a seizure.

I did think about deferring her for a year but she isn't keen and I think she is scared of being on her own.
The medical bracelet is a good idea.
I can't change her college as its the closest one that does the course she wants.
Going to have talk with DD about getting the braclet. I said to DH I thought she'd be okay getting the bus but he said well you'd feel guilty if she had a seizure and you weren't there but if she has a seizure when I'm driving I can't do much either.

sounds brutal but surely your son’s school education takes priority over your daughter’s college? If your DH ‘won’t’ help (and sorry you’re married to a selfish man) then I would see the priority sitting that way round. Easier to wait a year for college or choose a different course, than to miss school in your allocated year.

I'd speak to her college, they may have options available you haven't thought of. Admittedly was university but when I got sick and unable to attend all my classes in person I was allowed to listen to taped lectures (they already made these) and not have to attend tutorials or lectures which was part of the grade normally. You'll need to talk to them anyway about the seizure. Maybe she could do a reduced time table, go in less days, do longer days, but less, their may be adjustments that her college can make to make this workable. If dont know what work for your DS, with mine if I had to do this it'd be tablet, food and headphones on so he could zone out in the car. Also could DS reduced time table be rejigged to work with her college hours?

That's awful that he shifting all the responsibility and potential guilt onto you. Completely unfair when he's not offering any solutions himself.

I said to DH I thought she'd be okay getting the bus but he said well you'd feel guilty if she had a seizure and you weren't there but if she has a seizure when I'm driving I can't do much either.

That is really manipulative of your DH there. How would you be responsible for her having a seizure and equally you are not in control of adding a few more hours to the day to make all of this work. Your DH is coming across really badly here.

Is your ds not entitled to transport? If he’s then picked up early enough you could bring dd.
Dh shouldn’t get out of it just because you are a sahm. When a child has medical issues/additional needs then it takes all hands on deck

Your DH sounds like a dick. Shifting all the responsibility and guilt on to you, don’t accept it! You’ve said he can start later so there’s your solution. He can work later if needs be.

Ask him why he won't feel guilty if she has a seizure and he had prioritised getting to work instead of taking her...

I agree with others I would be deferring dd instead of ds. She's worked hard to get into college and I totally get its a shame she'd miss out, but at 16 she could get a job which would give her a wealth of experience, would mean she's still out meeting people and being busy during the day and earning money. That way maybe a run to work would be easier for you to manage and she'll be with people all day who will know her medical history? Then by the time she's leaving college she'll have more real world experience than the rest of her year? I think it's an unreasonable ask for her not to be alone for 5 months, but equally I wouldn't want to run the risk of her collapsing in the street alone with goodness knows who walking by, that could leave her quite vulnerable.

I got numbered with driving my child and hour to college and an hour back so four hours each day if you see what I mean because her dad was working and at the time I wasn't. It was truly awful. Explore all options. Good luck.

5 months is a long time. Can you afford to pay for a private appointment? Also I'd be phoning every week to see about a cancellation.

Why on earth would you defer your DS's start? I thought that was a typo. Seems very unfair that he should be the one to be so directly impacted by this.

Unfortunately no because he's at mainstream at least until EHCP comes through. His school is only a 10 minute walk from our house.
I do have a meeting booked with college for the 3rd anyway so will see if they can suggest anything.
Possibly might be able to work DS timetable around DDs but we're not meeting with school until the 5th so will have to see what happens with school and college.
It's obviously no ones fault the seizure happened but I don't really want to be driving 3 hours a day and risking DS's chances too.

Can you pay for a private neurology appt ? Worth saving for if you need answers. Maybe your DH could work some extra hours? If he doesn't want to you could tell him he much feel guilty

You say your son is starting on a very reduced timetable, is it possible for him to start later as part of this. I know it would still be a long time in the car but might help.
Has your daughter got her timetable from college? From experiences with my children and friends she may not be in everyday, and may start later some days.
I’d talk to both school and college and see if something workable can be arranged. You could then work it out between you. If you’ve 4 days to cover maybe your Husband could ask for temporary flexible working to go in late/ finish early for 2 days a week and you could have a later start time for your son for the other 2 days.
Hope you get it sorted.

@Emeraldiisland I don’t know your financial position, but is there any way you could raise the money for a private referral?
That way the wait would be weeks rather than months.

You have a DH problem as much as a logistical one.

Contact the team and ask for clarification. Not allowed in her own for five months sounds like over kill. I would tell college. And let her go in the bus. Can you wait with her at bus stop until she is safely on ?

She won't be "alone" on the bus. Lots of people have a one-off seizure, never to have another. What were the circumstances? I would say she should go on the bus. Perhaps you do it with her a few times if you can so she's comfortable? Then when she is, she can go alone? If possible a trusted friend can go with her.

@Emeraldiisland your DH needs to be a but more proactive here. You can’t be in two places at once! Surely he has some flexibility. SAHM does not mean he offloads all responsibility to you. Telling you how you’d feel guilty when he’s doing bugger all 🙄

Can't you pay for a private consultation so she gets seen sooner. If there was imminent danger would she not get an earlier appointment. Sounds like they are covering for the 5 month delay so no blame can be put on the NHS. And being at college would anybody be trained to deal with a seizure quickly.

But I agree with the poster who said they possibly meant she wasn't to go off alone where she might not be found for hours.

You mentioned another child who you referred to as the eldest. Could that child walk her to the bus stop and see her safely on to the bus. Then she uses her med alert bracelet throughout the day. She’s not going to have you beside her at college so why do you need to be beside her en route? There will be other passengers on the bus just as there will be other people in the college.
Prioritise your little boy here and don’t defer his hard-won place.

I don't see that DD being without you at college all day (but with other people around) is any different to her being on a bus (with other people around). Given that you are not proposing to spend all day at college with her, send her on the bus. You can wait at the bus stop and see her onto the bus safely.

And I think people are being a little unfair to OP DH. They have divided tasks so that he works and she is SAHM. Flexibility is nice, but not all jobs offer that.