My sister is upset with me for snapping at her son

[FionaHoney]

My 6 year old daughter, and 9 months, is being bullied by her cousin. She has a doll which I bought her, the chad baby ava doll from argos, and she loves it very much and plays with it all the time at home.

Recently my sister's child, a boy, 10 years old, has been playing a very mean joke on her. the joke involves him finding the toy and pupeting it whilst doing a voice called "baby dave" which distresses by daughter very much.

I tried to stop my nephew and "baby dave" politely by suggesting he give her the toy back. but he continued across Multiple visits with this cruel joke. Eventually my daughter and I had enough of "baby dave" and i snapped at him. My sister overheard and has berated me on whatsapp for being to harsh with him and hasn't visited since.

Am I being unreasonable? What can I do to make sure my sister feels welcome, but that "baby dave" doesn't make a return??

God your sister is an almighty twat @FionaHoney

Callums off to secondary school in sept I assume, he’s going to get barked at waaaaaaaaay worse than that on a daily basis

tell your sister to have a word with herself, her TEN YEAR OLD was being mean to a little girl repeatedly and NOTHING was being done about it. You gave her as much of an opportunity to correct it, and you’d tried gently but he wasn’t listening. He was 100% in the wrong. And. He. Knew. It.

id also add, I’ll never apologise for standing up for my little girl when being upset by a boy old enough to know better.

Have you just not illustrated exactly what @tillytown referenced? Oh It’s fairly normal behaviour from the boy. So it's fine for him to keep acting like that and op and her daughter haven't to do anything about it...

Wouldn’t have been an issue in my family- I tell my nieces and nephews off all the time and expect my relatives to do the same if they’re being annoying or dangerous.

Callum would have been told to pack it in but the dynamics between a 10yo and a 6yo will be a bit tricky. Have you got things to occupy him at your house? I’m quite conscious when older kids come over that my house is very girly and doll orientated re toys whereas at my friends with boys that age there is much more Lego, more gaming stuff (which we don’t have) and just a really different set of toys.

I don't understand how this continued across multiple visits, lack of parenting and lack of management on both parents part I assume. You were right to eventually deal with it. If my child was corrected by someone else ,it wouldn't bother me if it was needed. Text to say you'd love to see them, let's put it behind us. Bit of storm on a tea cup which should've been dealt with first time .

Fairly normal for both boys and girls of that age to try to seem more mature by winding up slightly younger children. Not normal because he’s a boy. I can imagine a girl doing it to a younger cousin too. It’s annoying but not shocking. I would tell him off for upsetting her.

You and your sister (when everyone has calmed down) need to have a talk about discipline, I’m sure you have looked after your nephew before and your sister has had your daughter. You both need to be able to intervene when children are not playing nicely or if they are doing something dangerous or wrecking the house etc.

Maybe your sister is struggling with her son’s behaviour at times and feels defensive as she feels it’s an attack on her parenting. Maybe you find it hard to take the doll off them and put it away and direct them to do an activity they both can enjoy. You both love the children so you need to work together so if one of the children or both are acting up you can calmly tell child either play nicely or I will take you home and keep that promise.

Your house has toys specifically catered for your six year old daughter and your nephew might feel bored and that’s why he’s acting up, could his mum bring some toys of his with him? Or you look in second hand shops so there is something for him to enjoy at your house?

But there's as much chance that OP is being a lazy parent. It's also lazy parenting to expect a pre-teen to want to play with a 6 year old or have the maturity to care for them. His behaviour is not appropriate don't get me wrong but it might well be the 10YO's way of saying 'I don't want to babysit thanks'. As per my pp I have a 6YO dd and 10 YO nephew. They play nicely sometimes but when it's becoming clash of the titans I pull the 6YO aside and play a game/set up an activity for her. The nephew is also free to disappear and play roblox/whatever his parents see fit when he feels like it and I make it clear to dd that she has to accept this. If neither parent is managing expectations here then it isn't really the 10YO's responsibility and it's on OP just as much as her sister to parent their respective children.

I think there is some overreaction on both sides. Your nephew hearing a raised voice is not going to harm him; your sister is being ridiculous. However, the thing he was doing with the “baby Dave” is just slightly annoying windup behavior, and I think describing this as “bullying” is pretty silly too. Prepare some activities they both might like to do.

I wouldn't call what he did bullying even though it was annoying for your daughter ! He was just winding her up and if she had ignored it he would have stopped. I think you and your sister are both being over protective tbh. Chill out.

Well you better hope your sister isn’t on here, she won’t take kindly to you naming Callum online 😁 but YANBU

You did nothing wrong, OP. The question to your dsis would be ‘You heard him persistently doing this, you knew it upset my dd, why didn’t YOU stop him before I had to step in?’

You need to quite firmly tell your sister and your nephew that, 'Baby Ava has a knife and isn't afraid to use it.'

That should put a stop to it.

This will blow over hopefully, but in future put the doll away where the boy can't find it when they visit. Keep an eye on him though, he sounds mean.

This!

You weren’t wrong at all OP, but I can see why your sister has gone in the defence.

As the mum of a 9 year old boy, I can imagine him doing something like that. Wanting to play but not really knowing how, also insecure underneath so wanting to appear funny, not quite reading the room well enough. If he had upset a cousin like that I would’ve told him to stopped it, and he would’ve had a proper telling off if he’d carried on and been removed, so you definitely were correct to tell him off for carrying on. But your sister probably thinks you and your DD are being precious, it completely depends on the child and parent in the situation.

My DS’ have upset their cousin over the most ridiculous things, and they’ve been told to stop if the cousin is upset, but some children can get upset over things that to others, don’t seem “mean” at all. Your nephew probably started the Baby Dave act trying to get laughs. He should’ve stopped when told it was clearly causing upset, and that’s where the “meanness” started. But as the elder cousin, he is probably fed up with the younger one getting upset over what he perceives to be minor things and him being the one to get in trouble.

If it upsets your daughter I don't know why it wasn't stopped the first time & not allowed to happen again.

If your sister no longer feels welcome surely that is for her to deal with?

Baby Dave

Sorry

Agreed. Why else mention the child's name?!

100% this! ⬆️

You don't think the OP could, just maybe, you never know, actually used a fake name???!

It is very mean to continue to do something that is clearly not a joke as it distresses his wee cousin very much. It is damaging op's daughter. It completely disregards her feelings, violates her boundaries and allowing it sets a terrible precedent for a girl.

Something is only funny when everyone is having fun. If someone is greatly distressed, it is not funny.

Why is your 6 year old so upset by this? Most kids that age would find it funny.

But she doesn't. It doesn't matter if the next 6 year old would find it funny.

A 10 year old is old enough to start to learn that a joke is only funny if everyone is laughing.

Depends on how much your DD finds upsetting to be honest. If she's likely to cry at the slightest thing your sisters probably thinking you need to be doing more to give her a tougher skin.

Also calling him a bully isn't really called for. He's making a silly voice with a baby, your DD is almost 7 which is quite old enough to know that the voice is him and that's all there is to it. When you called him a bully I was expecting him to be hitting her, calling her nasty names or being sneaky!

That being said, if you really did just use a firm voice then I wouldn't be that upset... I might snap back at you at the time but I wouldn't drag it onto WhatsApp.

Or maybe you've let your daughter get away with loads of crap and she's held her tounge and when you snapped at her son, she just thought... how dare you!?!

I disagree! If the boy was saying something about her, which she found hurtful or upsetting,then fair enough, i would certainly agree.Another child making funny voices for an inanimate object is not something you should be allowing your child to police.It is a power play by your child.I am put in mind of Stephen Fry's quote a out people being offended by stuff.' As if that gives them certain rights. It's actually nothing more... than a whine'
Remind her that it is nothing more than a piece of plastic and to stop being so silly.