Page 2 | My sister is upset with me for snapping at her son

FionaHoney · 2024-08-23T20:57:57+00:00

My 6 year old daughter, and 9 months, is being bullied by her cousin. She has a doll which I bought her, the chad baby ava doll from argos, and she loves it very much and plays with it all the time at home. Recently my sister's child, a boy, 10 years old, has been playing a very mean joke on her. the joke involves him finding the toy and pupeting it whilst doing a voice called "baby dave" which distresses by daughter very much. I tried to stop my nephew and "baby dave" politely by suggesting he give her the toy back. but he continued across Multiple visits with this cruel joke. Eventually my daughter and I had enough of "baby dave" and i snapped at him. My sister overheard and has berated me on whatsapp for being to harsh with him and hasn't visited since. Am I being unreasonable? What can I do to make sure my sister feels welcome, but that "baby dave" doesn't make a return??

hiredandsqueak · 23/08/2024 22:53

Guavafish1 · 23/08/2024 22:44

I would not have today him off. I would have told your sister first… and told her that your daughter is upset…. To ask her son to stop it.

In our family it wouldn't be an issue, I've told off my sister's children and she has told mine. Any complaints would have been met with "well you shouldn't have been doing what you did then" We trusted each other to step in when necessary so there has never been any bad feeling between the adults.

Calliopespa · 23/08/2024 22:56

Aquamarine1029 · 23/08/2024 22:47

Just put Baby Dave away when Callum comes

The op should put away her daughter's toy, in her home, as a way to manage a ten year old? We're not talking about a toddler who might accidentally break something, but a 10 year old who should absolutely know better and know to mind his aunt when she tells him to stop doing something. That's just ridiculous.

I’m afraid I don’t think it is.
Family relationships are to be valued and so yes, I would try avoid the problem arising in the first place.
I didn’t say throw Baby Ava away. Her DD can have it again when he’s gone. I had an expensive toy my grandparents bought overseas and my mum used to put it away before play dates after a child played more roughly than I did and snapped a bit off. I was about 6 and completely understood why my mum advised this and was happy about it.

Calliopespa · 23/08/2024 22:57

hiredandsqueak · 23/08/2024 22:53

In our family it wouldn't be an issue, I've told off my sister's children and she has told mine. Any complaints would have been met with "well you shouldn't have been doing what you did then" We trusted each other to step in when necessary so there has never been any bad feeling between the adults.

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Not all families have this relationship though. I was mortified when my aunt told me off.

Lwrenn · 23/08/2024 22:59

Buy another doll for when he comes over from a charity shop or reuse an old one of DDs and let him use that for baby dave.
If he has his own one to dick about with he'll get bored instantly.

It doesn't sound like bullying though, he's being a pain in the arse but I do think bullying is quite harsh.

Ten year olds in my experience are of an age where they kind of do want to play, but also don't want to be seen as playing so they take the piss out of things for younger kids to try and appear more mature. It's a odd time for kids, ten.

HolyCannoli · 23/08/2024 23:00

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hiredandsqueak · 23/08/2024 23:02

Calliopespa · 23/08/2024 22:57

Not all families have this relationship though. I was mortified when my aunt told me off.

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I can't say my kids were chuffed to be told off by their aunt either but that wasn't my sister's fault it was the kid's fault for misbehaving.

Calliopespa · 23/08/2024 23:03

Lwrenn · 23/08/2024 22:59

Buy another doll for when he comes over from a charity shop or reuse an old one of DDs and let him use that for baby dave.
If he has his own one to dick about with he'll get bored instantly.

It doesn't sound like bullying though, he's being a pain in the arse but I do think bullying is quite harsh.

Ten year olds in my experience are of an age where they kind of do want to play, but also don't want to be seen as playing so they take the piss out of things for younger kids to try and appear more mature. It's a odd time for kids, ten.

That last paragraph is exactly what I was thinking - and pretty much exactly what my aunt said to me when she told me off! She said he’s trying to find ways to join in with you and you can’t just burst into tears whenever a little thing upsets you.
It wasn’t right of him to do that with Baby Ava, and as her mum I’d have been annoyed too; but as Callum’s mum I would have felt a bit defensive of him.

KreedKafer · 23/08/2024 23:07

Recently my sister's child, a boy, 10 years old, has been playing a very mean joke on her. the joke involves him finding the toy and pupeting it whilst doing a voice called "baby dave" which distresses by daughter very much

This doesn’t sound ‘very mean’ to me at all. It’s a ten-year-old doing a silly voice for a doll. He’s not damaging the doll or harming your daughter.

Zet1 · 23/08/2024 23:11

Calliopespa · 23/08/2024 22:56

I’m afraid I don’t think it is.
Family relationships are to be valued and so yes, I would try avoid the problem arising in the first place.
I didn’t say throw Baby Ava away. Her DD can have it again when he’s gone. I had an expensive toy my grandparents bought overseas and my mum used to put it away before play dates after a child played more roughly than I did and snapped a bit off. I was about 6 and completely understood why my mum advised this and was happy about it.

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Valuing family relationships means a 10-year-old should be told to stop teasing his cousin.

lazzapazza · 23/08/2024 23:13

If she does not control her child then she cannot complain when you do. Take the opportunity to keep your distance from them both.

cornucopiaoflove · 23/08/2024 23:13

Calliopespa · 23/08/2024 22:39

I don’t think you were wrong to tell him, but being a hundred percent honest I’d be annoyed if my sister had snapped at my Dc. It was mean but it is actually also quite funny and it can be hard for an older boy to find a way to play with a cousin who doesn’t share their interests. Your sister probably sees it more that way (ie; thinks your dd is being precious and a tell-tale.) My mums sister ( my aunt) snapped at me once for telling on my older male cousin and getting him in trouble with our grandparents ( he’d been a bit of a tease ; I’d been a bit whingy. Similar incident). I have never forgotten it - she pulled me aside and reprimanded me . I told my mum years later and she was cross too so I think there can be emotions with these interactions. Just put Baby Dave away when Callum comes . If he finds something else, ask your sister to deal with it.

Ffs

Marseillaise · 23/08/2024 23:13

KreedKafer · 23/08/2024 23:07

Recently my sister's child, a boy, 10 years old, has been playing a very mean joke on her. the joke involves him finding the toy and pupeting it whilst doing a voice called "baby dave" which distresses by daughter very much

This doesn’t sound ‘very mean’ to me at all. It’s a ten-year-old doing a silly voice for a doll. He’s not damaging the doll or harming your daughter.

If OP's daughter is being made to feel very distressed, it follows that this is harming her.

NiftyKoala · 23/08/2024 23:14

I don't think you did anything wrong.

Copperoliverbear · 23/08/2024 23:15

I should think you'd be glad if she doesn't visit you, I wouldn't want them to visit me, maybe just met up with no kids for coffee. X

Calliopespa · 23/08/2024 23:15

Zet1 · 23/08/2024 23:11

Valuing family relationships means a 10-year-old should be told to stop teasing his cousin.

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There are different ways of looking at that.

I don’t disagree the mother should have stepped in ; but op was essentially asking about her duster’s reaction and I can see how the sister might have felt vehemently overstepped. I can see both sides. For that reason I’d just try to stop it happening again by putting the doll out of harm’s way when he cousin is there. This still sends a message to DD that op recognises the value of Baby Ava to DD and doesn’t agree with her being upset, but it also obviates the need for a stand off.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 23/08/2024 23:16

Createausername1970 · 23/08/2024 22:20

If that is the whole story then I can't see the problem. Child A was upsetting Child B. Child A had been asked, nicely, numerous times to cease, but had ignored you. A much firmer line was needed

I would be saying exactly this to my sister. "As you know I had asked Callum numerous times to stop upsetting Dorcas, she doesn't like the game he plays with her doll. But he kept doing it, and for whatever reason you weren't asking him to stop. I had no alternative but to ask him very firmly to put the doll down. As he was consistently upsetting Dorcas, and you weren't intervening, what do you think I should have done?"

Love this reply!

DoreenonTill8 · 23/08/2024 23:21

Aquamarine1029 · 23/08/2024 22:47

Just put Baby Dave away when Callum comes

The op should put away her daughter's toy, in her home, as a way to manage a ten year old? We're not talking about a toddler who might accidentally break something, but a 10 year old who should absolutely know better and know to mind his aunt when she tells him to stop doing something. That's just ridiculous.

Mn has been odd recently, multiple threads about tween/teen/early 20s boys and posters falling over themselves to day how they should always take priority over younger siblings/partners/anyone and should never be challenged or reprimanded no matter verbal or physical abuse/aggression.

GreatMistakes · 23/08/2024 23:21

Why did your sister WhatsApp you if she was there to overhear you telling him off instead of speaking to you?

BabaYetu · 23/08/2024 23:27

"Sis, Callum was being a wee twat and wouldn't stop winding Dorcas up no matter how often I asked. You didn't do anything to stop him. WTF was I supposed to do?"

He's been a git to her, he finds it funny, her upset is probably even more funny, and until someone gets in his face and stop him, he's going to keep at it.

Calliopespa · 23/08/2024 23:29

Calliopespa · 23/08/2024 23:15

There are different ways of looking at that.

I don’t disagree the mother should have stepped in ; but op was essentially asking about her duster’s reaction and I can see how the sister might have felt vehemently overstepped. I can see both sides. For that reason I’d just try to stop it happening again by putting the doll out of harm’s way when he cousin is there. This still sends a message to DD that op recognises the value of Baby Ava to DD and doesn’t agree with her being upset, but it also obviates the need for a stand off.

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sorry lots of typos in that and I’ve missed the edit window. Not sure what flight of fancy my autocorrect was on with the duster and vehemently! 🤣

DisabledDemon · 23/08/2024 23:33

Flourpowwer · 23/08/2024 22:09

You will learn that when you live life by your rules others won’t necessarily like them. That doesn’t mean that you are wrong. Stick by saying your DD was upset by your DN behaviour, you asked him multiple times to stop and eventually you snapped. You are sorry if he was shocked but he was upsetting your DD and repeat. Don’t row back.

| wouldn't say I was sorry if he was shocked - he deserved it!

SouthLondonMum22 · 23/08/2024 23:36

I wouldn't be inviting him over for a good while at least. I certainly wouldn't be keeping your DD's doll away from her if he did visit.

He's 10, your daughter is only 6. He needs to stop.

Calliopespa · 23/08/2024 23:38

Bear in mind, too, op, that as mums we kind of adjust our expectations ( as we should) for where our Dc are at. As a mum of a 6 year old girl who plays with her doll lovingly in a straightforward way, I can completely see that the puppeteering of a baby doll to sound like a grown man is a bit perverse . But for a ten year old boy it’s the one of a limited number of ways to liven the game up. It won’t have seemed as bad to your Dsis as it did to you. Neither of you is wrong; you just have different expectations of what is out of line. I’m just grappling with a few things with my Dc that horrified me when my friend’s older Dc did it - and I’m kind of thinking well, they do that. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Tahlbias · 23/08/2024 23:49

Is your sister, the type of mother, who thinks her on can't do no wrong?

NotSoHotMess24 · 23/08/2024 23:51

How does your sister suggest it should have been dealt with then, in her great and infinite wisdom?