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AIBU?

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Original poster

To find DH working out unattractive

39 replies

JimmyStar · 23/08/2024 21:43

DH is going on a trip next week with his mates who he sees very rarely but has known for 25 years. He's mid 40s.

He has always kept himself trim but in the build up to this trip, he's become obsessed.

He worked out this morning (when meant to be looking after kids), then he just skipped kids bedtime to go swimming but the pool was closed, so now he's doing another workout (while I have a glass of wine and dinner alone)

He has become v concerned with looking good for his trip. I know you will say its women but he seems so uninterested in other women, he always has. He never flirts. He's one of those men who hero worship his bloke friends.

I just find it unattractive. And a bit worrying. He isn't interested in anything other than himself. I just suggested we could spend evening together instead of him doing a 2nd workout of the day at 9.40pm but he got really shitty saying "most wives would be happy their husband wants to stay in shape"

Is that true? Should I put a sock in it?

OP posts:
SoggyCrackers · 23/08/2024 21:46

Are you annoyed about the exercise or that he's prioritising a hobby over time with your children?

loropianalover · 23/08/2024 21:48

He sounds insecure? I understand to a point why you are annoyed but I feel sorry for him.

Women often obsess over weight, appearance, looking their best for an occasion, but those feelings don’t discriminate and men can struggle too. I don’t know what the answer it - I’ve never thought about how to broach it with a male. Maybe someone else has experience or thoughts…

Aquamarine1029 · 23/08/2024 21:50

How much do you know about this trip?

theduchessofspork · 23/08/2024 21:51

He needs to do his fair share with the kids and everything else, beyond that I’d ignore it, his spare time is his own.

Cas112 · 23/08/2024 21:51

I'm waiting for other posters to come along and say what I'm thinking...

Ever heard of the script op?

MiddleParking · 23/08/2024 21:53

I’d be worried about an eating disorder more than another woman with what you describe.

MoveToParis · 23/08/2024 21:54

who is he trying to impress and why?

Candlesandmatches · 23/08/2024 21:55

This is prime mid life crisis age. It’s probably this

Lmnop22 · 23/08/2024 21:56

I don’t think it’s the exercise and staying in shape that you have an issue with but the fact that he is pursuing this in time he ought to be helping you with the DC and this causes resentment.

He may well want to prioritise his health and fitness but he should not do this at the expense of his fair share of the care for DC or quality time with you

thursdaymurderclub · 23/08/2024 21:57

sounds to me its about how he looks to these friends he sees rarely. he doesnt want them thinking he's let himself go! maybe he was always the sporty on of the group when they were younger and wants to keep that dream alive?

Hoglet70 · 23/08/2024 21:58

It really pisses me off that people have immediately tried to put suspicion on the trip. I have starved myself before seeing friends as I don't want to look worse than them - I have NO interest in shagging behind DH's back.

mynameiscalypso · 23/08/2024 21:59

My DH is just about to hit 40 and is definitely having a health-related midlife crisis. He's always been a regular runner but now he does far more and has bought all sorts of equipment so he can do more at home. Occasionally he'll spout some nutritional bollocks at me and I'll tell him to cook his own dinner. No woman, no nothing, just an impending sense of his own mortality.

Springadorable · 23/08/2024 22:01

I don't think you have to worry about other women...

MrsSkylerWhite · 23/08/2024 22:01

How old is he?

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 23/08/2024 22:01

Sounds like he's trying (unrealistically) to get beach bod ready like some women do when going on a girls trip in the last week.

Leave him to it. He's probably comparing himself to his mates, especially if any of them have maintained a better physique than himself or if any aren't dads.

If it continues when comes back, that would be a bigger issue.

5128gap · 23/08/2024 22:01

OP, if your H flirted and was interested in women, as his wife you'd be the last person to know. He got together with you didn't he? So he's clearly capable of instigating or responding to approaches from women.
However, if he's a bit of a hero worshipper of this group of men, sees them as aspirational, or has insecurities, he could be genuinely trying to get in shape for them. After all, women diet because they don't want to be the 'fattest on the beach' with their group of friends on holiday, so its not inconceivable.

Lindjam · 23/08/2024 22:06

Springadorable · 23/08/2024 22:01

I don't think you have to worry about other women...

I must admit that was my first thought…

buttonsB4 · 23/08/2024 22:06

In this instance I think I'd be cross that he's getting a child-free, wife-free week next week, but he's also ditching childcare duties on you, plus not prioritising spending time with you before he goes.

I do understand that men have the same insecurities about their bodies as women and he may well want to "buff up" before his trip, but he should do that in his own time, not when he's supposed to be parenting.

Giraffesareawesome · 23/08/2024 22:13

I have noticed a number of my male friends becoming quite obsessive about their fitness in their 40’s. As pp have mentioned I think it’s often tied to a sense of mortality & health issues becoming more common in middle age. It would annoy me too!

Edingril · 23/08/2024 22:16

Why does it have to be about you? He is not asking your permission and you don't need to provide it

Edingril · 23/08/2024 22:17

Giraffesareawesome · 23/08/2024 22:13

I have noticed a number of my male friends becoming quite obsessive about their fitness in their 40’s. As pp have mentioned I think it’s often tied to a sense of mortality & health issues becoming more common in middle age. It would annoy me too!

How many women on here are obsessed with looks and trying everything to look younger and spending heaps on make-up, botox etc. Going to the gym making themselves look good so they can get a man

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 23/08/2024 22:20

Are you jealous because he’s in better shape than you ?

Barryplopper · 23/08/2024 22:22

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 23/08/2024 22:20

Are you jealous because he’s in better shape than you ?

She's just explained why it's annoying? He's prioritising it over everything. So stop being a goady twat

notacooldad · 23/08/2024 22:24

sounds to me its about how he looks to these friends he sees rarely. he doesnt want them thinking he's let himself go! maybe he was always the sporty on of the group when they were younger and wants to keep that dream alive?
I think this is right.
I'm going away with 7 other women in October, some I haven't seen in a long time. I'm already hitting the gym because I don't want to be the ' fat one' of the group when I used to be so in shape.

TheClawDecides · 23/08/2024 22:24

He does sound insecure and as though he's panicking about being 'beach body ready'.