Partners work stress

[Skyehigh]

Partner works from home full time. He is constantly stressed and or angry about work. He will shout and swear at his laptop and storm around the house. After work he will either not speak to me at all, or moan about the colleagues or other issues that have been bothering him for on average an hour a day. I am trying to be supportive and I know the anger is not directed at me however it makes the environment extremely tense. I feel someone talking in an angry voice and storming around still makes me feelvery anxious and on edge like I've done something wrong. I have spoke to him about this but he said he just needs my support and it's not about me. How can I get him to change the way he handles this? AIBU?

We have a five minute cut off for moaning about work. Inherited wisdom from my wise parents in law.

I think it's fine to occasionally get frazzled by work and blow off steam but daily shouting and swearing would be a no go for me. It actually is about you if he's making your home tense and vibey.

(edited as posted too quickly!)

I'd have a calm chat about the impact it's having and remind him that you need a chilled home and don't want the atmosphere he's creating. Ask if you can help figure out ways to manage his stress better.

Not always but has been like this in previous jobs when he started to dislike them and current situation been going on and progressively worsening for months.

"Support" doesn't mean being an emotional punching bag and having to listen to someone's outbursts!

You can support in many ways, it doesn't have to be putting up with that sort of attitude from him. He needs to find coping mechanisms for stress - I find if after a particular horrid day at work if I have a quick 15-20 minute walk outside then come back and have a shower, my stress reduces by about 80%! He needs to figure out a way to work through his stress without taking out his emotions on you, that doesn't make for a happy home life.

No it's just us

Does feel a bit like an emotional punchbag even though I know he doesn't mean for it to be. He takes the frustration out here so he doesn't go off at people at work but it's really not a nice environment at all. I have heard him shouting and banging the desk all afternoon and can feel the anxiety in my chest even though it's nothing to do with me. Good idea, I think he does need to start going to the gym after work etc to have a way to decompress so perhaps if I frame it that way rather than making it about how I feel it may be more helpful.

Christ I couldn’t live like this.

Tell him to grow up or you’re off. Sorry OP, but life is too short to spend it the way you are. In your own bloody home. ☹️

Unfortunately my exH was like that. He thought my purpose in life was to be his emotional punchbag. Took out all frustrations at me, especially work related ones. I had to listen to hours and hours of how unhappy he was constantly. Over time he also started to resent me being happy at work and successful. If I had a bad day, he would jump on it and say I need to quit, go on and on, like he really relished me having a bad day.

I always had to be the happy one, that just took it all in etc. It became exhausting.

I left after being together for 6 years (married for 2). Best decision I ever made. You can't change someone.

And happy to confirm lots of men out there are not like that at all.

It's really not your job to manage his emotions. He's a grown man.

He's being a selfish fuckwit.

When you need emotional support, does he provide this? Or not?

Tell him he must manage his own stress; you are not his support human. He's an adult.

This is abusive behaviour btw.

Sounds like it’s time for a new job. We spend too much time at work to be unhappy. If he’s so unhappy he’s then impacting his family then that’s ridiculous.

also sounds like he needs some techniques to help him deal with these emotions. Is it the type of workplace that offers courses?

Sounds like a teenager gaming. This isn't acceptable. If he wants to work from home he needs to respect those around him like he'd have to in an office. He needs to manage himself better. I guess he quite enjoys the feeling of being heightened and crashing around. I couldn't live with this coming into my home. He needs to find other ways and talk to you when he's more reasonable. Id give an ultimatum to find another job. Horrible way to live.

He needs to go back to the office. He would relearn some emotional regulation pretty damn quick, because if he behaved like that in the office he'd get sacked.

My dh can be like this. We go for a walk every evening, he gets half the walk to rant then I ignore everything else he says about work that evening.
It's not fair and you aren't there to have it dumped on you

Just read above where you ve said you'll frame the gym suggestion so it's not about how you feel. What !! How you feel about it is just as important as how he feels about the impact on him. I'm worried that he has poor self control and inability to self regulate and inability to empathise with the impact on you. You are minimising your needs .
To me this doesn't bode well for your future at times of difficulty. I think he's abusing you.

Thing is that when he creates that atmosphere it is about you. Similar to @Evaka we limit our work moaning time, I have a very stressful job and I learnt early on that I needed to leave the work stress at work so I might have a moan on the way home or immediately after but then I move on which helps me.
Also though the shouting and swearing and storming about just isn’t on; he wouldn’t do it in an office. I’d be saying he needs to find a new place to work from unless he can contain his frustration to one room.

Yes he wouldn't get away with it in an office as his employers wouldn't stand for it so not fair to be subjecting me to it at home. I think I need to put some boundaries in place and explain again the awful atmosphere it's creating at home

Don't have children with this man.

Actually are you sure you want to live with him. What an awful way to live. Whatabout you and your needs?

Your DP should start looking for a new job and perhaps in the interim go to the office one or two days a week.

I'd also speculate whether he needs an up to date eye test, as looking at a laptop screen if his sight is not as good as even a couple of years ago may not help him. Many people are unpleasant if tired say from eyestrain.

I'd be concerned though if he seems to go through a cycle of hating those he works with at each job he does. I know many people are useless at their jobs and especially poor managers are commonplace (not mine thankfully), but you seem to sense a common pattern which may be him not others.

Saddened to read what you have had to put up with.

It's not bloody acceptable OP. I was a single mum ofa DS and had an extremely difficult and complex job as a senior nurse. I did not come home and rage at my DS.
Our home was our sanctuary and problems were left at the front door.
It was a relief to come home and forget about the troubles of the day.
You need to make some serious boundaries about non working hours this isn't right at all.

Sorry for you OP, this sounds so stressful for you.

I'd be asking him if he'd be able to get away with shouting and banging the desk, and storming around moaning in his employers place? It sounds very childish.

You deserve to feel relaxed and enjoy some peace in your home. Tell him if he wants to behave like a twat to do it at work, and not in your space. We all have shit days at work, I don't take it out on my family, I just breathe a sigh of relief that I have a place of my own so decompress in. He needs to draw the line between work emotions and home life, and leave his anger at the door. If he started moaning at me, I'd just leave the room to be honest.

If this has happened in various jobs he's had, I'd be asking him if he should self reflect a bit, that it might be a him problem, rather than a them problem?

I work from home a couple days a week too so the worst of it is when I'm at home during the working day and lunchtime. I think in hindsight things were better when he was in the office as it would only be the evening he might have a moan but I wouldn't witness the banging and shouting.
I do think it is a bit of a "him" problem as when he has been talking about the current job issues it sounds very familiar to what he moaned about in his last job. People being incompetent and he thinks he is doing more than his role etc so it does appear to be a pattern. I also have a stressful job with a lot more responsibility than him but I think I manage my emotions better at home. At least it's the weekend and all is calm again but I definitely need to broach this with him again as can't continue.

Tell him to leave the house straight after work -go for a walk or a run. Or something else physical to blow off steam. And tell him to grow the fuck up during office hours, would he behave like that in an office setting? Why does he think it’s ok to behave like that at home?