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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say they are silly not to do this ?

32 replies

BlueCheesePlease · 22/08/2024 12:49

My friend has adult kids. All of them but one have flown the nest and are married.
They have a 37 year old still at home. She works but doesn't earn enough to move out alone, is single and has some physical disabilities. Yet friend wants to move to a rural area. This wouldn't work for my friends DD as she relies on trains to get to work and has to visit different work sites so very reliant on reliant transport.
Aibu to say that my friend should stop dithering and just go for it as the adult DD will have to make other arrangements ? The DD is saving for her own place but struggling to save on a single income.

OP posts:
Fairyliz · 22/08/2024 12:54

Well if your friend has a 37 year old I assume she is at least late 50’s and possibly in her 70’s?
Silly time to move rural in my opinion as her mobility and health becomes worse she will probably need to be close to facilities not in the middle of nowhere.

Edingril · 22/08/2024 12:58

Isn't it up to your friend?

Willyoubuymeahouseofgold · 22/08/2024 13:01

Certainly think what you want ...but keep it in your head . Not really your call.

ComtesseDeSpair · 22/08/2024 13:01

I don’t think it’s “silly”: your friend is presumably concerned about her daughter, and this doesn’t sound like an example of a lazy adult child not wanting to move out but one restricted by disability who can’t necessarily “make other arrangements.” Everyone’s priorities are different and it sounds like family is one of your friend’s.

Boxina · 22/08/2024 13:03

It's not silly to ensure her disabled daughter is ok. You sound heartless OP

Heyisforhorses · 22/08/2024 13:08

What do you suggest the DD who from what I've read is still living at home through no fault of her own? Moving her to the country is going to take her independence, make her reliant on others and in turn make hassle for her others. Your friend not moving is thinking of everyone.

Rory17384949 · 22/08/2024 13:10

It's up to your friend really isn't it, but the best solution might be for your friend to help her DD with a deposit so she can rent her own place?

CaptainMyCaptain · 22/08/2024 13:12

I voted YANBU to express an opinion but your friend can just ignore you.

Original poster
BlueCheesePlease · 22/08/2024 13:12

I just feel she will become very resentful of her DD. The DD can work so isn't housebound.
I have seen this scenario play out before with my friends brother and it led to a lot of sadness on the parents side that they felt they couldn't live the life they wanted because of him .

I don't think they want to go down the route of giving her money for a deposit.

OP posts:
Roxbury · 22/08/2024 13:12

DS is 19 and has physical disabilities and is unlikely to ever move out unless he can get supported accommodation with a 24 hour care team (moon on a stick situation around here) . I'd like to move abroad one day but that's unlikely to happen as DS's needs will always come first.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 22/08/2024 13:14

Has your friend asked you for your opinion or just mentioned her plans?

OhshutupNancy · 22/08/2024 13:17

NYB.

MonsteraMama · 22/08/2024 13:21

I know this is an unpopular opinion on Mumsnet where the moment a child turns 18 they're no longer their parent's problem, but my daughter will always be my daughter and I would never do something that might create hardship or difficulty for her if it could be avoided.

Maybe my view on that will change as she grows up, but right now I can't imagine going "right you make your own arrangements, disabled daughter, I'm off to live in Little Bangleton-on-the-Wovy, good luck!"

Regardless, if your friend hasn't actually asked for your opinion, in this case I think you should keep it to yourself.

5128gap · 22/08/2024 13:23

You're projecting. There's places I'd prefer to live than where I currently do. But there's nowhere on earth I'd rather be than close to my adult DC and my home would be theirs as long as they wanted it. I'd never feel a moments resentment as to me a place is just a place, it's people that matter. So we're all different.

2ndtimefinances · 22/08/2024 13:28

You sound like the person who said I should put my 17 yr ASC child in supported accommodation - so I could go abroad & have the retirement I deserved.
I actually felt physically sick - one day they might be able to cope & one day they might want to but to just dump run
NO

KreedKafer · 22/08/2024 13:28

BlueCheesePlease · 22/08/2024 13:12

I just feel she will become very resentful of her DD. The DD can work so isn't housebound.
I have seen this scenario play out before with my friends brother and it led to a lot of sadness on the parents side that they felt they couldn't live the life they wanted because of him .

I don't think they want to go down the route of giving her money for a deposit.

OK, but what's that got to do with you? It's up to your friend.

TealPoet · 22/08/2024 13:30

I’m pretty sure love for her daughter who is doing her best will overcome any supposed ‘resentment’ your friend will feel. Yes it may hurt sometimes but that’s life and love. I understand you want your friend to be happy, but I have to agree with the pp who said you sound heartless about it :(

godmum56 · 22/08/2024 13:43

not your business, keep nose and opinions to yourself.

Lemniscated · 22/08/2024 13:47

Has she asked you what she should do?

My friends make decisions that seem to me unwise on a regular basis (and also make perfectly valid decisions that turn out disastrously, through no fault of theirs), but unless they say the words 'What do you think I should do?' I just support their choices.

DaniMontyRae · 22/08/2024 13:49

2ndtimefinances · 22/08/2024 13:28

You sound like the person who said I should put my 17 yr ASC child in supported accommodation - so I could go abroad & have the retirement I deserved.
I actually felt physically sick - one day they might be able to cope & one day they might want to but to just dump run
NO

Not even close scenarios. There's 20 years between your son and the friend's daughter for a start. There was also no suggestion of needing supported accommodation, only that she can't save enough to move out.

steadywinner · 22/08/2024 14:13

If your friend really wants to move, has her dd looked at applying for social housing? I know it's unheard of for the average 37 yr old to qualify, but as she has disabilities it might be different.

FWIW I think moving somewhere rural when you're older is a bit bonkers. Surely that's when you need to be closer to facilities not further away.

Topseyt123 · 22/08/2024 14:17

Fairyliz · 22/08/2024 12:54

Well if your friend has a 37 year old I assume she is at least late 50’s and possibly in her 70’s?
Silly time to move rural in my opinion as her mobility and health becomes worse she will probably need to be close to facilities not in the middle of nowhere.

Totally agree with this. It was what I was going to say. She'll need to live closer to facilities, public transport and amenities as she ages, not further away and in the arse end of nowhere.

1HappyTraveller · 27/08/2024 21:35

BlueCheesePlease · 22/08/2024 13:12

I just feel she will become very resentful of her DD. The DD can work so isn't housebound.
I have seen this scenario play out before with my friends brother and it led to a lot of sadness on the parents side that they felt they couldn't live the life they wanted because of him .

I don't think they want to go down the route of giving her money for a deposit.

Curious about this - them not wanting to give her a deposit… why is this? Obviously they aren’t obliged to do so but they also must understand that their DD can’t move out on her own and as such is staying with them. Can they afford it? If they can why would they not want to help her move out and gain some independence? Do they want her to stay living with them, is that their plan?

Createausername1970 · 27/08/2024 21:47

Fairyliz · 22/08/2024 12:54

Well if your friend has a 37 year old I assume she is at least late 50’s and possibly in her 70’s?
Silly time to move rural in my opinion as her mobility and health becomes worse she will probably need to be close to facilities not in the middle of nowhere.

Agreed.

My parents lived in a rural area and when my dad could no longer drive, it was very difficult. A six hour round trip by bus to attend a hospital appointment.

tinklingchimes · 27/08/2024 22:38

I'm sure your friend has given it all due consideration and is aware of the options for her daughter's transport.