Am I just insecure or is he feeding into it?

[Motherofmanycats]

I've been seeing someone for around a year.

I'm not sure if it's relevant but he thinks he might be autistic and he does seem to have difficulties with social interactions, knowing what's appropriate etc, but I'm reluctant to put all his 'issues' down to his autism, especially as he isn't diagnosed yet.

So anyway there are a few things that bother me and he sort of feels I'm being unreasonable to be bothered;

My boyfriend moved in with an old friend of his, a year ago. This friend has quite an open house policy and his mates tend to pop in and out whenever they want. Most evenings this girl, K, comes over as apparently she doesn't get on with the family members she lives with. Last year, K stayed at the house with my boyfriend was obviously there, but his friend was away on holiday. Apparently, again because she didn't want to stay at home. My boyfriend told me after she had left, that he thought she "fancied" him but couldn't really explain why he thought that. I didn't ask too many questions at the time...
Anyway this girl is now a constant fixture in my boyfriends life. They work together (along with the friend/housemate), go to the cinema at least once a week, share the hot tub in the garden together (all three of them), she leaves her bikini on the radiators at the house and never takes them home with her, she stayed at the house again when the homeowner went away on holiday this year and the other day she apparently asked my boyfriend if there was anything to eat at the house and did he want her to come round and cook something (the homeowner was away again that night). The latest 'issue' was it my boyfriends birthday the other day and he sent me a photo of the birthday cards he'd got.
I asked which one was from K (slightly jealous but hoping she hadn't got him one) and he said "guess :p " then changed the subject. I then jokingly said "haha, changed the subject huh?!" And he replied "yes because I know what you're like... Jealous etc".
He then said he had felt uncomfortable with the message in her card and would send me a photo of it later on when he was back at home.

When he sent the photo, the message just seemed like an entirely normal message from a girl to me; "Dear S, Happy birthday!! Hope you have an amazing day! Love K xx". I told him I didn't think there was anything to make him feel uncomfortable in that message and he then said he'd only felt uncomfortable because he thought I'd take it the wrong way :/

Something about this girl/the way she is always round the house and my boyfriends reaction to her feels off, but I can't put my finger on it.
They go on a lot of meals out as a group and take photos of themselves a lot...in each one she is always either sitting opposite my boyfriend, or next to him. Same with when they go to the cinema. I've pointed this out before and he's always come up with an excuse/reason, either that or just said that he didn't sit with her ALL the time... Sometimes he just brushes me off saying I'm being silly but I don't see why sometimes, he wouldn't make a point of sitting next to someone else instead - especially as he thinks she might fancy him.

He says he's not interested in her; I did ask if he found her attractive once (no idea why!) and he admitted that he thought she was, but said he didn't fancy her, just could see she was pretty.

Am I being silly? Reading it back I realise it sounds a bit juvenile - we are all 41, by the way - but I feel like he encourages my jealousy sometimes with the things he says, and I do think she's around far too often, although he said he can't do anything about that as it isn't his house.

They're off to Newquay at the weekend, apparently she didn't want to go when he first booked and then changed her mind...obviously my jealous brain thinks she only changed her mind when she realised be was going and I wasn't! (I was originally invited but can't afford it and have children, so childcare is awkward)

He’s the problem…

do you really want to be dealing with a man who wants to blame all his behaviour on a non diagnosed catch all of “I’m autistic”

you sound young… get out and live your life to the fullest with someone who makes you feel great

Edit: missed the bit where you are 41 😱
my point remains… do you want to be doing this dance in 10/20/30 years?

Yes I am 41 but I am very emotionally immature. This is only my third relationship and I'm not really sure how to read people or how you're supposed to be treated, etc.

He doesn't really blame the autism, but can never seem to see my point of view and either brushes me off "oh, don't be silly, it's not an issue" type thing, or gives a reason or excuse for why a certain thing has been done.

I'm not happy with him going to Newquay and he says I'm controlling and manipulative...maybe it would be to ask him not to go just because I don't feel comfortable about this woman, but he calls me controlling a lot when I voice my concerns about this woman - when he's not just saying he can't do anything about her as they work together, he is living in his friends house and it's the friend inviting her round, etc.

I'm not actually sure what I should expect him to do with regards to her...?

Who needs the drama! You all sound 18. I'd throw this one back, he doesn't seem to have much respect for you.

Your boyfriend is behaving like this AT THE AGE OF 41? I genuinely thought you were going to say that you're all 20 or something.

I'm sorry, but you need to ditch him. Whether he's shagging K or not, he's deliberately manipulating you and trying to make you jealous, and then telling you that you're the problem. He's getting a massive kick out of humiliating you.

I'm kind of stunned you're putting up with this behaviour from him. And whether he's autistic, or not, is entirely irrelevant here. He's deliberately taunting you and then claiming you're the problem. He's doing it on purpose to be nasty because it gives him a thrill. What on earth are you doing? Why would you set the bar for a relationship as low as this?!

Usually, when people put up with this sort of awful shit, it was a good relationship at the beginning that has soured over time, they've been together for years, live together, have financial ties and/or kids and know the situation is bad but leaving seems like a massive and complicated step and a huge life change. But you've only been dating this man for a year, you don't live together, you have no actual ties to him - WHY in the name of bloody hell would you be staying in a relationship like this when there is basically no reason for you to do so?

I'm not really sure how to read people or how you're supposed to be treated

He knows this, and that's why he's humiliating you. He's basically pushing you to see how badly he can treat you before you tell him to fuck off.

Please end this relationship, it's beyond unhealthy.

Can I ask why you think he's manipulating me/trying to make me jealous?

I mean, it feels like that's what he's doing to me, but I was expecting to come on here and have you all tell me I'm being unreasonable, as he keeps saying I am.

I know it doesn't really matter, but for the future so I understand. I think I'm picking up on something here but I'm not sure what I'm picking up on, if that makes any sense.

The way you described the arrangement I genuinely thought you were students aged around 19! With that in mind I think maybe you should distance yourself from him and his friends.

He split with his wife late in 2022 and moved in with his friend not long after. The marital home isn't sold yet...

Which is another thing I find strange - his entire social life is now these people, despite the fact he does have other friends, my boyfriends housemate has a lot of female 'friends', one of which he seems to be keeping on a bit of a string as she likes him, he's had women round giving him massages and although my boyfriend doesn't participate, doesn't find the whole house atmosphere strange in any way. Feels like a sex den to me :/

He doesn't want to upset K or make her feel uncomfortable in any way and yet he only met her when he moved in with his friend. If she was a long time friend I might be more understanding, but she isn't, so I'm not.

@Motherofmanycats honestly it does sound bizarre. Surely you might be happier alone and away from this drama.
He's clearly unwilling to give up this student, single style existence with hot tubs and open houses. It all sounds so damned childish.

It’s a control thing. For whatever reason, he likes you on the back foot, doubting yourself, on edge. Do you think this is acceptable? Would you do this to someone?

Do yourself a very big favour, be kind to yourself, and end the relationship.

If you can’t find it in yourself to be kind to yourself, imagine you’re doing it for someone you care about.

Thanks. I'm still not getting it :(

So in the situations I described in my OP, how would a 'normal man', for what of a better word, deal with it? Is it about reassuring me, or distancing him from this friendship group, or something else?

He says he does want to move out but can't until the marital home is sold and that's been slow going, it's apparently not even on the market yet, so he's right in saying he can't control who his friend invites round... .but if, for example, I asked him to go out when she's there or not go to the cinema with the group, or make a point of not sitting next to her, isn't that controlling? He says it is.

41 and he lives with housemates?

the best way to describe it would be to say… It would just be a non event.

my DH would not be dropping crumbs to make me jealous in the first place.
if I expressed concern he’d reassure me kindly and nicely there was nothing to worry about.
he would not tease and taunt me and he would not be like “ohhh you’re so jealous 🤪🤪” your boyfriend sounds like a child tbh.
you shouldn't have to ask him not to sit next to her…

the best way I can describe it when you meet someone you can be serious with is: it is easy and calm.

you don’t doubt them you don’t doubt yourself. You don’t feel insecure or nervous about when they will message there’s zero drama, It just feels nice.

edit: my mind is blown he was previously married.

Do you like feeling this way? The answer is no. Do you want to continue feeling this way? Pretty sure the answer is no.

What do you want to happen?

That is what it feels like...dropping crumbs.

I mean, I know how I would react and if I thought someone fancied me (which I wouldn't, but anyway!) I wouldn't be announcing it to my boyfriend and I feel like I'd try and keep a distance from the person if possible.

Something has felt off from the beginning, but I've known him for a while before I started seeing him and he kind of gives the impression that he thinks this is worth fighting for - he hasn't used those exact words but says he loves me, only wants me, etc, so I feel bad for ending it without a really good reason (like something big).

I’m going to change your life

you can end a relationship for any reason (including no good reason) if you want.

You don’t have to keep working and trying to “fix” something by if you don’t like it or it doesn’t feel good.

i dumped a guy once because he grew a beard. My now DH has a beard 🤷🏻‍♀️

Because it’s a way of controlling you and making himself feel superior. It’s emotionally abusive. It’s giving him a sense of power over you.

Words are cheap OP. I imagine he used a lot of these kind of words, while boosting his ego with other women's attention when he was married.

Regularly in a hot tub with a female friend? Going to the cinema with his mates? Oh he loves the bachelor lifestyle all right. And seems to want you to know all about it, and to mind.

But what I would find hard to get past is how hedonistic and youngsterish it all is. It might be judgy of me but in your situation I would feel as though I was in an age-in appropriate relationship with someone I had nothing in common with. Do you think he has a clue about your life and your priorities as a Mum? Does he "get" you?

If you want something more with him, surely you would expect him to be naturally being kind and thoughtful and not going on about K and her bikini etc.

Of course he could be aiming to have you feeling so on edge you invite him to move in to become a cocklodger

Oh to clarify by "these kind of words" I meant loves you, sees a future, etc

for example, I asked him to go out when she's there or not go to the cinema with the group, or make a point of not sitting next to her, isn't that controlling? He says it is.

It would be controlling only if he hadn’t deliberately told you that she fancies him, told you that he finds he attractive, taunted you over her birthday card etc. If you were just kicking off over him having any female friends, for no reason, that would be controlling. But he has openly set the scene to make you think there’s something going on (or that there could be, if he wanted it to).

If my partner thought a female friend fancied him, he wouldn’t TELL me AND then keep sharing photos of himself with her. He certainly wouldn’t drop weird hints implying that a birthday card message was inappropriate, then keep me agonising about it for ages before sending me a photo of it that revealed it was actually fine. No normal, decent man would behave like this.

This relationship is fucked up and it isn’t making you happy. A partner is supposed to make you happy. He doesn’t do that. He makes you miserable and worried and then he tells you it’s somehow your fault. You should dump him on that basis.

Have you previously been in abusive relationship situations? Or an abusive family situation? It’s just that you say you’re emotionally immature and don’t know people are supposed to treat you - just wondering why that is? You sound really vulnerable to me.

Honestly, it doesn’t even matter WHY he behaves like this. The fact is that he DOES behave like this, and that behaviour is hurting you - that’s all you need to know to know that you should end the relationship. You don’t owe this man your time or emotional investment.

You're both in your forties??? Stone the crows, I was assuming you were early twenties.

Bin him. He's messing with you to make himself feel powerful and sought after.

You don't need a 'big' reason to break-up. I'd just say that you don't see a future together with him. You're feeling as you do because of him...it isn't your fault...he can't see that and he really, really won't change...I can promise you that. Do you want a lifetime of this?

It does feel quite hedonistic.

There are a few examples I haven't mentioned, all to do with women - he went on holiday a couple of months ago; I'd persuaded him to go away alone as he needed a break but had no friends who wanted to go with him, the first night he was there he messaged a photo of his balcony and I asked whether he had been out on it yet, his reply was "no but I've been out on my new friend's balcony!". I asked what he meant and he told me he'd met a couple of guys in the bar who were trying to chat up some girls and invited him out with them, then to their hotel room where they carried on drinking. I got roasted for being bothered he was having fun, but it wasnt so much the having fun part, it was the fact it felt like he was trying to make me jealous by mentioning it in the way he did.

He went to a school reunion a few weeks ago and we had a bad couple of weeks after that where I tried to split with him, said I couldn't feel 'that way' about him anymore and he replied with "well I've had women that people would find attractive wanting to get to know me". When I asked what he meant, he told me that at the reunion an attractive women had been talking to him and telling him about her life. He apparently saw her again at a pub quiz he goes to a few days later and "she was with her sister and she recognised me and said hi".

He always seems to make a point of things that most people would see as normal interactions, like he thinks any woman (or man; he also said he thought his gay next door neighbour fancied him), that treats him nicely, is interested in him - then tells me about it!

He also tells me he joined a dating website when we split last year for six weeks, reckons his housemate pushed him into joining and he didn't contact anyone, but yeah...there seems to have been a lot of women coming up in our lives over the last year, in one way or another.

@KreedKafer yes, to both your questions.

I've had counselling for years and assumed I was more able to weed these kind of people out, especially as I've known him for a few years before we started seeing each other, but he seems a completely different person to who he was last year.

It's hard to put my finger on how exactly, he just seems to have changed personality somehow.

He also seems to have learnt the words "you're being unreasonable" and "controlling and manipulative" and throws them at me whenever I bring up concerns around his behaviour.