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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Too much too soon

36 replies

Wildchild0503 · 22/08/2024 01:09

After many years of bad luck I've finally met the perfect nicest gent. Literally could not fault him lots in common etc. We entered into a relationship two months ago and have never had a crossed word until now.

My only issue is he has his barriers up ie I give him a compliment he ignores it. I say I miss you he ignores it. He never talks about how he feels about me or compliments me even sexually I initiate. He shows me he cares in other ways so I was happy enough. I just thought he's been through a lot has his walls up and they will come down eventually.

I take full responsibility I had a lot to drink last night . He started talking about the girl he used to see before me they weren't in a relationship but he clearly had strong feelings for her and even wrote a song about her. I asked to hear the song and joked that I wanted one wrote about me which he ignored. I then brought up his lack of reassurance. To which his response was its been two months what do you expect and it escalated into a row and him calling me a needy teenager.

I've apologised and he apologised but I could tell he was still annoyed when I left. I txt and apologised again to which he's left me unread and ignored me we never go a day without speaking or saying good night.

I know I've fallen hard too soon and propably like him more than he likes me but aibu bring this upto him. Is he being unreasonable ignoring me.

I'm afraid this could be the end and I've just myself to blame for my drunken childish behaviour

OP posts:

ChellyT · 22/08/2024 03:07

I believe in not dismissing early signs in a relationship good and bad. Things rarely get better, majority of the time they get worse. There is nothing wrong with falling hard and fast for someone, it's beautiful when it's reciprocated. You are both adults and being ignored is something I don't think anyone should have to put up with.

Aussieland · 22/08/2024 03:10

He doesn’t sound very perfect or very nice! If you are feeling uncertain at this point and he is responding like that to a request then I would be out.

Guavafish1 · 22/08/2024 03:19

Honestly he doesn’t sound or behave like a gentleman. it’s only 2 month and you’ve had an argument. I’d call it a day.

You do sound needy and insecure… maybe you should explore this and why you need complements and reassurance.

RogueFemale · 22/08/2024 03:22

You do sound a bit needy. I know, because I've been there. I remember particularly the man who exclaimed 'You're 50 not 15!' when I complained he wouldn't fuck me (we were in bed together naked at the time! and I was actually 49, so that bit also rankled).

What I have learnt in life, overall, is that the Good Men don't make you feel insecure (even if you have insecurity issues). The other relationship successes I've had are with men who were a lot keener on me than I was on them. So I wasn't in the least insecure.

So I'm afraid this one doesn't sound like a keeper.

(Edited to add: 50-not-15 man was a total and utter loser).

SantasRubiksCube · 22/08/2024 04:13

You don't sound very compatible I'm afraid, you need reassurance compliments and shows of affection and it doesn't sound like that's who he is. You may come across as a bit needy and full on but him ignoring you when you pay him a compliment or say you miss him sounds a bit rude and nasty. After a short period it seems like you've gone in deep while he's still paddling in the shallow end to see if it's what he wants.

Gilbertwasawuss · 22/08/2024 04:22

If he wanted to, he would.

He either doesn't like you enough or is a terrible communicator.

I believe that if you are compatible and the relationship is right, you wouldn't be seeking reassurance like this. And if he cared, he would have responded differently to you bringing it up.

It doesn't sound at all like you are compatible and I really would end things now or else you could end up very emotionally unfilulfilled in a long term relationship.

ChilledMama85 · 22/08/2024 04:29

after 2 months he should be able to tell you how he feels- o e way pr the other ( 'because you're not teenagers' ) and he also could reply something like 'who knows maybe one day you will get your own song'

please dont blame yourself dear OP , if you push through this I don't think the situation will improve unfortunately

if I were you I'd go counselling first ( although I don't think you asking for a song when drunk is the worst thing you could do, after 2 months dating & giving the context of the conversation you had at the time) then log in to elite singles website & line up some dates, you will be surprised how many guys actually appreciate you & will tell you how the feel sooner than your perfect gent

minmooch · 22/08/2024 05:16

You've only known him 8 weeks. Bit too much to tell him you miss him I'm afraid you do sound needy, wanting reassurances and compliments.

You don't sound compatible.

rentersleaf · 22/08/2024 05:59

If you compliment him he ignores you. He never compliments you and you have to initiate sex. He doesn't sound like a nice guy.

Also the first year or so should be about sex and first moments and romance.

It doesn't sound like he cares much for you and that's making you feel insecure (hence the row)

I'd walk away if this is him in the early stages I dread to think what he's like when he gets comfortable.

pinkdelight · 22/08/2024 06:33

I don't think he's unreasonable to not be matching your level of intensity at this point but it's not going to work as you want more than he wants to give, so let it go and find someone more compatible.

He's ignoring you because he doesn't feel the same way so can't say he misses you and so on. Maybe he likes you plenty well enough in his way but is a slower burn while you're all in. Or maybe he still likes the girl in the song and doesn't feel as strongly as that for you at this point. Regardless, it's not good to be already out of synch at this point and letting resentment build up and become rows. It's eight weeks. It should be fun, but also shouldn't be too hard to move on from.

HelenWheels · 22/08/2024 06:34

it was tactless of him to mention a previous girlfriend and the song he wrote
i dont think he feels the same as you do about the relationship

lemonmeringueno3 · 22/08/2024 06:44

I'm not one for coming on to say ltb but I don't like the sound of him at all.

Why is he talking to you about an ex and telling you he wrote a song about her? He made you feel a bit jealous and insecure and then got cross that you were jealous and insecure.

He doesn't pay you compliments or make you feel good about yourself - even when you are fishing a bit, like with the song.

He ignores your texts.

He writes songs about girlfriends. This makes me think of Ken and Barbie. Unless he is an accomplished musician, this is nob behaviour.

TooYoungToJoinGransnet · 22/08/2024 06:51

You say he's perfect then go on to make a list demonstrating a whole row of red flags. He isn't who you want or think him to be.

Original poster

Wildchild0503 · 22/08/2024 08:42

He is a musician. I asked to hear a song he'd wrote and he played it and explained it was about her.

He shows affection in other ways ie sings my favourite songs learns the ones I like for me. Kisses on the forehead. Has my fav food in. Came to me to. Hospital appointments. If I mention I'd like to go somewhere he takes me the next week. Acts of service such as fixing things in my house etc.

He says he has confidence issues and is shy also his ex wife cheated on him so I guess he has his guard up.

He is also recovering from testicular cancer so says his sex drive hasn't been the same since and doesn't want to put pressure on me to have sex as I mentioned my ex husband was sexually abusive. I also have had cancer and am divorced so again we have a lot in common.

I guess there's truth in the comments he doesn't feel the same heart breaking as I really like him.

OP posts:

SantasRubiksCube · 22/08/2024 08:52

I'd say you both need to be adults and sit down for a rational conversation about what it is your both looking for out of a relationship and what that looks like, then you can work out if it's something worth pursuing for both of you. Considering how early it is and how much you've both been through, you both sound like a couple of teenagers who don't know how to communicate.

Catandsquirrel · 22/08/2024 08:59

Ignoring compliments or expressions of affection and not initiating sex at all seems very separate from your relationship style. If you want this to work you need to talk but I'm not sure it will if you communicate completely differently, have different sex drives and he's so indiscreet about being demonstrative with an ex. I mean, maybe you've come on very strongly but it seems like he's given nothing. This isn't all you, either way.

thursdaymurderclub · 22/08/2024 09:03

it does sound very full on for 8 weeks, you do come across as very needy so perhaps this chap isn't for you if he isn't giving you what you need and this needyness will probably irrate him eventually... throw this one back

Paisleyb · 22/08/2024 09:04

He is no more perfect.
A walking nasty red flag.
Walk away unless you want an emotionally abusive relationship.
Get some counselling as you do sound needy.
Do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk too, it could help you with boundaries and self esteem.

The Freedom Programme. Learn about domestic violence and abuse

The Freedom Programme. For women who want to learn more about the reality of domestic violence and abuse

http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

saraclara · 22/08/2024 09:16

Paisleyb · 22/08/2024 09:04

Abusive? I disagree, given OP 's update.

But they're clearly on different pages when it comes to paying and receiving compliments. As a pp said, it's a case of having a conversation about it, and about communication on general.

I have a family member who is absolutely useless with messages, for instance. We love each other dearly and she's a great communicator face to face. But I'm still waiting for her to reply to a message I sent the days ago, offering a favour. It does my head in, but it's not abuse.

Catandsquirrel · 22/08/2024 09:37

Catandsquirrel · 22/08/2024 08:59

I missed the update. There's a lot going on here. Talk to him. The history of testicular cancer and your sexual abuse might explain a lot of the sex issues. It also sounds like he played the song, you asked what it was and he answered rather than rhapsodising about his ex. A drink had been taken. You've both been through a lot and know about each other very early. Maybe have a chat, try and pull things back to a gentler pace?

Original poster

Wildchild0503 · 22/08/2024 09:52

My thoughts exactly I have raised the issue with him he said it's noted and hell work on it then kissed me good bye yet he has not responded to my txt for 24 hours and I'm upset cus I have apologised what more can I do. I'm hoping he just needs time to cool off and has admitted he sulked in previous relationships and is thinking about what he wants just hoping it's the answer I want lol

OP posts:

pinkdelight · 22/08/2024 10:01

It is extremely early days to be raising issues and working on it and all of this. If it's this hard now, it's not going to get better. Sorry but with your update it sounds like there's a lot of baggage and to be expecting the kind of romance you're after is out of whack with the reality. I worry that if you get 'the answer you want' it will just be a sticking plaster and not really solve the incompatibility factor here. He is who he is, which is not uncaring or unaffectionate by the sounds of it but it's not the level you need and there's no way he'll keep it up. It'll only get harder to break up so better to call it a day. It has only been two months and it's definitely too much too soon.

Rory17384949 · 22/08/2024 10:33

2 months isn't a long time. It sounds like you want different things and you need more than he can give you. You just might not be the right fit for eachother unfortunately

TinDogTavern · 22/08/2024 10:39

"He is a musician".

Ah, musicians.

LTB.

#NotAllMusicians

TravelInsuranceQ · 22/08/2024 10:57

How old is he?
I find men get less demonstrative and more closed off as they get into their 50s and 60s .....

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