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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Too much too soon

36 replies

Wildchild0503 · 22/08/2024 01:09

After many years of bad luck I've finally met the perfect nicest gent. Literally could not fault him lots in common etc. We entered into a relationship two months ago and have never had a crossed word until now.

My only issue is he has his barriers up ie I give him a compliment he ignores it. I say I miss you he ignores it. He never talks about how he feels about me or compliments me even sexually I initiate. He shows me he cares in other ways so I was happy enough. I just thought he's been through a lot has his walls up and they will come down eventually.

I take full responsibility I had a lot to drink last night . He started talking about the girl he used to see before me they weren't in a relationship but he clearly had strong feelings for her and even wrote a song about her. I asked to hear the song and joked that I wanted one wrote about me which he ignored. I then brought up his lack of reassurance. To which his response was its been two months what do you expect and it escalated into a row and him calling me a needy teenager.

I've apologised and he apologised but I could tell he was still annoyed when I left. I txt and apologised again to which he's left me unread and ignored me we never go a day without speaking or saying good night.

I know I've fallen hard too soon and propably like him more than he likes me but aibu bring this upto him. Is he being unreasonable ignoring me.

I'm afraid this could be the end and I've just myself to blame for my drunken childish behaviour

OP posts:
WitchyBits · 22/08/2024 12:00

He doesn't sound perfect any way at all. Honestly, and I mean this gently, you are running miles ahead of him and going full speed and he doesn't even seem to have left the starting blocks. He subs emotionally unavailable at best and awful at worst.

He isn't perfect. He is barely tolerable but for some reason you are dismissing his clearly wrong behaviour as you have rose tinted glasses on. He isn't the one for you and I think you may need to work on your boundraries and prevent yourself from rubbing away with your emotions too soon in the future.

TheShellBeach · 22/08/2024 12:06

I would bin this one off OP.

He sounds deeply unattractive.

Muffin101 · 22/08/2024 12:25

So it’s actually very much not perfect and you can fault him… a lot. You’re wasting your time here, you’d be a fool to ignore these red flags right at the start. I’m not saying it’s all him in the wrong, but it’s a lot of drama and bad feeling in the very very early stages.

eggandchip · 22/08/2024 12:41

I thought the first 6 months was the fun part getting to know each other more just dating etc chilling.
But 8 weeks is nothing you dont no nothing about him other than what hes told you and his name.
Sorry op you are coming on a bit strong and needy.

CosyLemur · 27/08/2024 18:20

Wildchild0503 · 22/08/2024 08:42

He is a musician. I asked to hear a song he'd wrote and he played it and explained it was about her.

He shows affection in other ways ie sings my favourite songs learns the ones I like for me. Kisses on the forehead. Has my fav food in. Came to me to. Hospital appointments. If I mention I'd like to go somewhere he takes me the next week. Acts of service such as fixing things in my house etc.

He says he has confidence issues and is shy also his ex wife cheated on him so I guess he has his guard up.

He is also recovering from testicular cancer so says his sex drive hasn't been the same since and doesn't want to put pressure on me to have sex as I mentioned my ex husband was sexually abusive. I also have had cancer and am divorced so again we have a lot in common.

I guess there's truth in the comments he doesn't feel the same heart breaking as I really like him.

Oh look! Another drip feed!

I know men who totally lost their ability to have sex after testicular cancer.
And he's told you why he wants you to initiate sex because you've told him about being in a sexually abusive relationship in the past.

Saying you miss him after 8 weeks is very needy.

And not everyone knows how to react after a compliment.

Grow up!

CornishIrish · 27/08/2024 18:58

He sounds like a nice guy who just isn’t that in to you and doesn’t want to be emotionally dishonest. Just a poor match and the DV links are gross. There is literally nothing about leaving a message on read that is the same as DV.

Onethinnyatatime · 27/08/2024 21:56

I don't find you needy at all!

He started talking about someone else he liked before you (he would have annoyed me by doing this) and when he failed in reassuring you, you might have overreacted. Then, you apologised.
If he does not accept your apology that's fine, I will let it be. You don't need to apologise and apologise.

I don't think- based on how you described him - that be is perfect or even nice.
You might have idealised him as you have strong points in common but that's probably it.

Stampees · 29/08/2024 07:46

I suggest reading the book “He’s Just Not That Into You”. Easy read and changed my perspective of relationships. (Now happily married 15+ years).

ChellyT · 30/08/2024 05:38

Stampees · 29/08/2024 07:46

I suggest reading the book “He’s Just Not That Into You”. Easy read and changed my perspective of relationships. (Now happily married 15+ years).

I also read 'It's called a breakup because it's broken' bl**dy brilliant and also changed my perspective on relationships.

CosyLemur · 30/08/2024 08:27

Onethinnyatatime · 27/08/2024 21:56

I don't find you needy at all!

He started talking about someone else he liked before you (he would have annoyed me by doing this) and when he failed in reassuring you, you might have overreacted. Then, you apologised.
If he does not accept your apology that's fine, I will let it be. You don't need to apologise and apologise.

I don't think- based on how you described him - that be is perfect or even nice.
You might have idealised him as you have strong points in common but that's probably it.

No he didn't she asked him to play a song he'd wrote, he writes songs for loved ones - it was obvious he was going to sing something he'd written for an ex.

Onethinnyatatime · 30/08/2024 23:53

CosyLemur · 30/08/2024 08:27

No he didn't she asked him to play a song he'd wrote, he writes songs for loved ones - it was obvious he was going to sing something he'd written for an ex.

He did :).
The OP wrote "He started talking about the girl he used to see before me..." and then she asked him about listening to the song she wrote about that girl.

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