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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that gifts should come from spending money and not the joint account?

47 replies

lulugrape · 21/08/2024 22:21

I think the person sending the gift to their side of the family should pay from their personal spending money. Husband thinks it should be covered by the joint account as we are a unit sending the gift together and also otherwise he has a bigger family and has to pay more. Who do you agree with? Seeing it in writing, his side seems more reasonable, I just feel like my way is right but can’t explain why! I guess I feel like the joint account should cover essential bills rather than ‘optional’ extras where the cost can fluctuate depending how much you splash out. Money is also a bit tight at the mo if that makes a difference!

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 21/08/2024 22:28

I don’t feel strongly either way.

Possible problems with your way: richer partner’s family get better presents; poorer partner struggles to afford and is left short for essentials.

Possible problems with his way: he’s over-generous with joint funds leaving you short for essentials.

Treesinthewind · 21/08/2024 22:28

I think it's a joint expense for presents coming from both of you. I'd set a budget pot for gifts and both pay into it.

SonicTheHodgeheg · 21/08/2024 22:29

Do you spend the same for both sides of the family? Eg your mum and his mum have the same budget

Are there an equal number of gifts bought for each side of the family ? If you have a mum, dad and aunt but he has parents, step parents, 3 uncles and 8 nieces then I understand that’s a problem- especially if he’s not close to some of them or they don’t reciprocate .

WaverleyOwl · 21/08/2024 22:31

I think you need to sit down like adults and discuss how you divide your finances.

My husband and I took the position 18 years ago that once we were married, all monies were joint. So there was no 'his spending money' or 'my spending money'. If it needs to be spent, it comes out of our joint account.

It feels like you are still behaving like a single person, talking or describing 'my' money and 'his' money.

That's not how marriage works.

Putting · 21/08/2024 22:31

I think gifts for each other should come out of personal spending, but beyond that I’d use the joint account - presumably the gifts are technically from both of you anyway?

HateThese4Leggedbeasts · 21/08/2024 22:34

I think all money is joint and spending above a threshold should be mutually agreed by both partners. That threshold is set lower when finances are tight.

HeddaGarbled · 21/08/2024 22:34

Another disadvantage to his way: one partner is a tightwad and tries to restrict the other’s gift buying unnecessarily.

Original poster
lulugrape · 21/08/2024 22:46

WaverleyOwl · 21/08/2024 22:31

I think you need to sit down like adults and discuss how you divide your finances.

My husband and I took the position 18 years ago that once we were married, all monies were joint. So there was no 'his spending money' or 'my spending money'. If it needs to be spent, it comes out of our joint account.

It feels like you are still behaving like a single person, talking or describing 'my' money and 'his' money.

That's not how marriage works.

Really good points being made so far!

We have a joint account to cover bills etc but then each get an amount of ‘fun money’ per month from that 😊 obv there’s flex involved when one of us comes up short and so on, not running a dictatorship over here.

OP posts:
Mandylovescandy · 21/08/2024 22:52

I have more family and friends that I buy birthday/Christmas presents for so I usually pay out of my own money though something small for my family I might get on the joint account as they do get my DP presents so I figure it evens out. Kids presents mostly from the joint account given that ours get presents back. I wouldn't buy though something really expensive for a sibling or friend on the joint and wouldn't expect DP to either

ReadWithScepticism · 21/08/2024 22:53

Family gifts aren't 'fun money', though. I can understand having a fixed amount each for spending on oneself, but for everything else surely joint finances is more appropriate in a marriage. We just have a joint account for everything.

BeaRF75 · 21/08/2024 22:58

Who cares? We have never had a joint account, but I have always bought all the gifts (inc for in laws). Just because it's one of the things I happen to cover. My husband pays for other stuff (eg holidays, cars - for both of us). It's not necessary to work it out to the exact penny, as long as each person knows their area of responsibility (and you can cope perfectly without a joint account).

JobMatch3000 · 21/08/2024 23:02

From personal spends here. I am frugal and like bargain hunting thoughtful gifts for my family. DH will pick out the first £50 designer t-shirt he sees for his nieces/nephews.

vincettenoir · 21/08/2024 23:02

I guess it depends on how much of a buffer is in joint money after bills are paid.

Spaceracers · 21/08/2024 23:16

Generally personal funds - my family doesn't do presents that much, DHs family more wasteful/he will buy unnecessary gifts!

We occasionally buy from joint money if it a gift we would both be giving eg. Staying with his family we'll bring a gift and will pay with joint credit card.

WickieRoy · 21/08/2024 23:19

You're married, so gifts to family are presumably from the two of you, so it's a joint expense.

IntrepidCat · 21/08/2024 23:21

Surely it’s a joint gift so a joint expense.

Flossyts · 21/08/2024 23:22

Comes out of our joint as it’s a joint gift.

timetorefresh · 21/08/2024 23:23

We just put everything in one joint account and both buy what we need. We have similar spending habits and don't do debts

Underlig · 21/08/2024 23:23

Joint account.

Ariela · 21/08/2024 23:48

Time to re-evaluate how much you both pay into the joint - we must do this as it's remained unchanged since about 2008, and it's always me that does the food shopping half of which is now spent from 'my' account rather than the joint.

Chickenvhotdog · 21/08/2024 23:55

timetorefresh · 21/08/2024 23:23

We just put everything in one joint account and both buy what we need. We have similar spending habits and don't do debts

Exactly this. We've shared everything since we got married almost 3 decades ago. It's never been a problem, all money is 'our' money and gifts to friends and family are from the whole family

GalacticalFarce · 21/08/2024 23:57

I'd do family money budget and if you want to be more lavish then that's topped up from personal.

ViciousCurrentBun · 21/08/2024 23:59

I’m one of six children and have 10 nieces and nephews and 6 great nieces, DH has one sister who has no children. It would have been hugely unfair to expect him to pay out for that lot. Plus I wouldn’t want to stick my hand in my pocket for his sister as I don’t like her enough.

We share living expenses but no joint account. Our finances are probably more complex than many, multiple accounts and no worries for our own personal spends.

CorWotcha · 22/08/2024 00:01

WaverleyOwl · 21/08/2024 22:31

I think you need to sit down like adults and discuss how you divide your finances.

My husband and I took the position 18 years ago that once we were married, all monies were joint. So there was no 'his spending money' or 'my spending money'. If it needs to be spent, it comes out of our joint account.

It feels like you are still behaving like a single person, talking or describing 'my' money and 'his' money.

That's not how marriage works.

Says who!? You can still have your own money and finances when you’re married! It’s an entirely personal decision, there’s no rule.

Lacdulancelot · 22/08/2024 00:02

My adult dd is careful with money so we mostly get cheap gifts.
Her dh would never dream of buying cheap for his parents so they get lovely gifts.
I sometimes regret raising dd to be sensible with money.