To think that gifts should come from spending money and not the joint account?

[lulugrape]

I think the person sending the gift to their side of the family should pay from their personal spending money. Husband thinks it should be covered by the joint account as we are a unit sending the gift together and also otherwise he has a bigger family and has to pay more. Who do you agree with? Seeing it in writing, his side seems more reasonable, I just feel like my way is right but can’t explain why! I guess I feel like the joint account should cover essential bills rather than ‘optional’ extras where the cost can fluctuate depending how much you splash out. Money is also a bit tight at the mo if that makes a difference!

Exactly this

We have separate finances. DH handles buying for his side of the family and I do the same for my side of the family.

Can't agree with this.

My husband and I took the position 18 years ago that once we were married, all monies were joint. So there was no 'his spending money' or 'my spending money'. If it needs to be spent, it comes out of our joint account.

This bit ^ . Great - your choice and what works for you.

It feels like you are still behaving like a single person, talking or describing 'my' money and 'his' money.

That's not how marriage works.

This bit ^ extremely subjective and judgmental.
Like the OP, and like many, many others (from hundreds of 'how do you sort money out' threads over the years) we put all our income into the joint account, and then we each have a small amount of 'personal spending money' to do as we wish with, however trivial or wasteful it might or might not seem to the other person.
Out marriage works very well thank you, and has lasted nearly twice as long as your so far, so it would seem that is how marriage can work.

This

My husband and I have always just had one joint account. All our money goes in and we each just spend what we need from it.

We don't think that one earns more than the other.

On occasions, if we've had a lot of expense, I may just tell him that we need to take it easy with our spending for a month or so!

@lulugrape - I think the crux for me would be the expectation of how much is spent on each present, rather than how many siblings you each have.

If one of your families keeps things sensible and spends £10 - £20 on each family member, but the other family is used to dropping £100 - £200 on a present, then that would come out of personal spends as the person that spends more has the option to talk about that with their family, but if they don't want to, it is them spending so much and not you as a couple.

If it is just that one of you has one sibling and 2 nephews / nieces, but the other has 4 siblings and 13 nephews / nieces, I'm more inclined to say it comes from joint funding for all the reasons above, including the fact that I count my siblings in law as my friends and my dn on my dh's side and my dn too.

Either way, there has to be money in the pot to cover it of course.

It sounds as though we work out your finances in the same way you do, but I'm in the same position as your DH - I have an average sized family (parents, siblings, BIL/SIL, nieces/nephews); he only has a brother, SIL and niece!

All extended family presents come out of the joint account and TBH, it's never occurred to me before now that it could be an issue, and neither has DH. I'd be a bit narked if he told me I should be paying for them out of my own personal spends.

I think you can argue either way. We tend to pay for presents from our own money, but only really because it kind of evens out. I have fewer family members but spend more on them, he has a bigger family but they do more low key presents. If the amounts were more uneven, we'd pay from the joint account.

If there's a distinct difference in how much you spend then maybe it should come from personal money. Especially if one person is overspending beyond what the household can truly afford to look generous to their family while expecting the sacrifices of their "generosity" to come from the rest of the family. Like the food budget being spent on a watch for BIL so less food for the family or the other partner having to use their spenders to top it up.

If money is tight you need to review exchanging of gifts outside your immediate family both in amount and extent.

Chances are that you're giving things for the sake of it and the recipients might not be bothered about what you give them or even prefer that you didn't bother because you're only really giving them an obligation to reciprocate with the end result that people are spending money to eventually receive items that are not wanted or needed.

So do that first and communicate to everyone that due increased cost of living and to avoid waste you will no longer be doing gifts and ask others who give you gifts to do the same but you're happy to meet up at Christmas and other special occasions for food, drinks, walks etc.

Family - joint
Joint Friends - joint
Each other - separate
Separate friends- separate

DH has 10 in his immediate family and I have 1. When I had a few more I did used to spend more than him per person but everything came out of the joint account.

That said we don't have a personal account for fun money.

We do gifts out of personal money.

DH has a bigger family and buys more but actually I think the real thing that helps this work is that it stops arguments about gifts. DH's siblings regularly forget our children's birthdays and I would want to just stop buying for their kids but DH is a nicer person than me and still does. This way, it's firmly his decision and I just accept it.

Are both your names on the gift? If so are you proposing to both contribute from spending money? For example, let's say his mums gift cost £50. Are you proposing you each take £25 from spending money or are you suggesting the gift should be paid for solely from one person? If the latter then I think YABU. Gifts always come from joint money in our household.

Yes op we have a joint account for bills, mortgage etc but we buy gifts out our own monies. Plus DH side is bigger than mine like you.
I am with you

Then again I also buy for my friends and their kids so we're probably even with gift spending.
Always put from both of us on whatever gift we buy anyway

We pay for family gifts from personal money as our family expectations are different (his family are tight too).

Presumably there is some level of disagreement over the gifts. Do you feel he is spending too much on them and it's not a necessary expense? All money is joint for us. We run big purchases by each other but not small ones. We would count gifts as 'small' purchases, based on us not spending loads and being able to afford it. If one partner is spending an amount on gifts that impacts the family (either expensive gifts or because money is tight) then it needs to be a discussion and that partner may need to put some of their fun money towards it.

We run big purchases by each other but not small ones

Lots of people say this, but I'm always wondering about what you do if someone makes lots of small purchases that add up to more than the cost of one large one?

If you'd discuss the purchase of a £200 item, would you also discuss the cost of a daily coffee and/or lunch, which could add up to more than £200 in a few weeks?

We both have the same amount of personal spending money each month, after housekeeping/bills/money has gone into the joint account. Anything extra goes into savings. We each buy for our own side of the family (mine is bigger than his) and we spend whatever we choose, from our own money. We set it up this way so that I didn't have to carry the mental load of remembering/buying for his family. (I still remind him around the birthday date but I don't do the work)

I can see both points of view. Our joint account is only for bills. Anything else we pay individually for so we take it in turns to buy family presents or at Christmas divide the total spend in half. If I didn't think I was getting a fair deal I'd probably suggest it's done from the joint account.

This .
Fun money is a coffee out , a new jumper , lunch with a friend eg personal spends .

Gifts are presumably from both of you so set a budget and they come from the joint fund . If one person has more family / friends that's just the way the cookie crumbles .

I think either way is okay. I'd usually use my own money to buy my side of the family gifts but ask my husband to contribute if I'm feeling a bit skint (we don't have a joint account). I've not read the other responses yet but can imagine some will make you feel weird or unreasonable. You're not, either way is fine!