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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do I end it?

41 replies

Anending · 21/08/2024 15:27

Married 14 years, I don't feel it's a healthy, happy marriage.

I've said I want to end the relationship but he's adamant we should stay together and keep trying.

We both own our house, both work part time. No kids.

I feel like the relationship has reached the end. I can't carry on but he loves me (he's dependent on me for a lot) so I feel obligated to stay.

OP posts:
Rory17384949 · 21/08/2024 15:31

If you want to leave then leave. You've tried and you're not happy so you leave.

Can either of you afford to buy the other out of the house? Can you afford to move out temporarily?

SeeTheWorldAnotherWay · 21/08/2024 15:32

If you’ve made your mind up then seek legal advice and follow their instruction. Let them communicate your position if you feel unable to.
Relationship endings are always sad in some way, even when wanted. Just remember, it’s not what you do it’s the way that you do it.

Augustisnearlydonesogoodbyesun · 21/08/2024 15:32

You don't need his permission to file for divorce..

ThatTealViewer · 21/08/2024 15:33

Breakups are unilateral. He can be as adamant as he likes, if you want it to be over, then it’s over.

Original poster
Anending · 21/08/2024 15:36

Rory17384949 · 21/08/2024 15:31

If you want to leave then leave. You've tried and you're not happy so you leave.

Can either of you afford to buy the other out of the house? Can you afford to move out temporarily?

The house is paid for and neither of us could afford 50% of its value unfortunately.

No I couldn't afford a rental on my part time salary. I could look to get a second job but it would be a big change.

He can have the house though, I don't mind. I'm worried he'll end his life if I leave.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anending · 21/08/2024 15:37

Thank you for your replies

OP posts:
Dora26 · 21/08/2024 15:37

Life is far too short to be unhappy: I have just sympathised with a 40-year- old friend having a tumour removed from his bladder -puts it all into perspective….

Madamecholetsbonnet · 21/08/2024 15:40

Well if you want to end the marriage you can. He can’t stop you.

You just see a solicitor and issue a divorce petition. If neither of you can buy the other out, the house will be sold and you either buy something smaller or cheaper, or you rent.

You really can’t allow him to emotionally blackmail you into staying…

Madamecholetsbonnet · 21/08/2024 15:41

Oh, and don’t just give him the house! He will have a new woman moved in within a couple of years and you will be struggling.

Solicitors will help you to sort out what is fair and reasonable.

LostTheMarble · 21/08/2024 15:43

Anending · 21/08/2024 15:36

The house is paid for and neither of us could afford 50% of its value unfortunately.

No I couldn't afford a rental on my part time salary. I could look to get a second job but it would be a big change.

He can have the house though, I don't mind. I'm worried he'll end his life if I leave.

Show quote history

Take what is yours, live your life. It’s not your responsibility to save him from himself or be miserable to make a fake happy life. Because whatever he convinces himself, he will not be any happier living with someone who simply doesn’t want to be with him.

BG2015 · 21/08/2024 15:48

I second making sure you walk away with your share of the house.
Can you afford to buy something smaller with the proceeds? Do you know how much the house is worth?

Can you move into the spare room as a temporary measure?

Over40Overdating · 21/08/2024 15:50

I’m sorry: that sounds very hard.

As PPs have said, he doesn’t get to dictate whether you can leave and end things. You do. You have one life.

And I second not leaving him the full house. He won’t end it, and he’d likely have someone new living there in short order.

You do need a plan though - if you can’t afford to rent a part time salary then you absolutely need the equity that yours in the house. Get legal advice and plan to increase your hours. There’s no maybe. You sound quite passive at the moment and if you are serious about leaving you can’t afford to be - literally as well as metaphorically!

Bestyearever2024 · 21/08/2024 15:52

Sell the house split 50/50

You aren't responsible for his welfare. He's an adult

DaisyChain505 · 21/08/2024 15:52

Get legal advice asap.

DO NOT walk away with out your half of the house just because you feel bad for not wanting to be in the relationship anymore.

Original poster
Anending · 21/08/2024 16:49

BG2015 · 21/08/2024 15:48

I second making sure you walk away with your share of the house.
Can you afford to buy something smaller with the proceeds? Do you know how much the house is worth?

Can you move into the spare room as a temporary measure?

Yes 50% would buy me a lovely place of my own. But he loves it where we are, I couldn't make him sell.

We've been in seperate rooms for a while now.

I feel very lonely.

OP posts:
Evaka · 21/08/2024 17:01

I know it'll take a huge mental shift OP but you must realise your needs carry the same weight as his. You absolutely can leave him and force the sale. Why should he get to stay where he loves if you're miserable? Why are you putting his happiness miles ahead of your own?

Dotto · 21/08/2024 17:05

Life is too short to be a prisoner to him. You are not responsible for him.

You can file online yourself for divorce, this part of the process doesn't take long. You no longer need him to agree as no fault is apportioned anymore. If he won't agree to sell the house, the court will take it out of his hands. He has no choice and he is not able to control you.

Dotto · 21/08/2024 17:08

I think you could do with some counselling as your sense of obligation and guilt (all misplaced) is currently blinding you, I think x

Duckies · 21/08/2024 17:11

Anending · 21/08/2024 16:49

Yes 50% would buy me a lovely place of my own. But he loves it where we are, I couldn't make him sell.

We've been in seperate rooms for a while now.

I feel very lonely.

Show quote history

You have made the decision in your own mind and shared it with him. Well done.

It can be difficult to make decisions that affect other people. Like many people (me) you may not feel comfortable 'doing something to someone', especially someone you care about. But it cannot be avoided your whole life. You will also be 'doing something ' if you stay, or give up something of your own.

You can only ever be responsible for your own actions.

You can ask for what you want and what is reasonable (to move out, to take your assets out of the marriage to buy somewhere to live).

He will have his wants and feelings. This is also as it should be. He is also responsible for his actions. You cannot control these by giving up your assets.

You don't have to also feel his feelings for him or compensate for making a choice he doesn't want.

(In other words, see a solicitor and take what is yours!)

MounjaroUser · 21/08/2024 17:13

Don't even think about giving him the house! It's a hard lesson a lot of divorcing couples learn, that they only owned half the house and if they split up they can't just keep hold of it.

Original poster
Anending · 21/08/2024 17:23

Dotto · 21/08/2024 17:05

Life is too short to be a prisoner to him. You are not responsible for him.

You can file online yourself for divorce, this part of the process doesn't take long. You no longer need him to agree as no fault is apportioned anymore. If he won't agree to sell the house, the court will take it out of his hands. He has no choice and he is not able to control you.

My fear is he will end his life, and I couldn't live with myself knowing I had caused him to do that.

It's an okay life, ideal on paper, but I'm incredibly unfulfilled. I feel empty when I think of the future.

OP posts:
MounjaroUser · 21/08/2024 17:24

So basically he's blackmailing you into staying married to him by saying he'll kill himself if you leave.

Even more evidence that this isn't the man for you, OP.

He needs to take responsibility for his actions. If he threatens imminent suicide, call 999 every single time.

Spotlightt · 21/08/2024 17:26

You wouldn't have caused him to do that. He would have caused it himself. It sounds like a change of scenery and maybe a new property each and a new start could be just what you both need. You both need some counselling to see that you both can part ways and live a more fulfilled life and even still remain friends should you wish to.

WitchyBits · 21/08/2024 17:29

You can't make somebody end their life and it's incredibly manipulative of him to suggest it and also a huge red flag warning for abuse. You need to end the relationship and any time he mentions suicide simply tell him to go to the Gp and that if you think for a second that he's going to act on it then you will simply do a welfare check with the police and they will turn up for him to check.

Original poster
Anending · 21/08/2024 17:30

MounjaroUser · 21/08/2024 17:24

So basically he's blackmailing you into staying married to him by saying he'll kill himself if you leave.

Even more evidence that this isn't the man for you, OP.

He needs to take responsibility for his actions. If he threatens imminent suicide, call 999 every single time.

He's never threatened it, as such, he's not like that at all, not controlling, just that he depends on me for a lot.

Despite years and years of communication, I've realised it's not fair on him or me to be so unhappy. But he's happy being unhappy as long as I'm around.

OP posts: