How do I end it?

[Anending]

Married 14 years, I don't feel it's a healthy, happy marriage.

I've said I want to end the relationship but he's adamant we should stay together and keep trying.

We both own our house, both work part time. No kids.

I feel like the relationship has reached the end. I can't carry on but he loves me (he's dependent on me for a lot) so I feel obligated to stay.

I'd really like to remain friends and be supportive, I think he'd do much better without being married to me.

His happiness trumps yours?

Crazy

Why do you think @Anending that his needs and happiness are so much more important than yours?

That’s why you are unhappy and unfulfilled and sadly that won’t stop just because you leave him. You are willing to give up the chance of your own house so he isn’t made sad.
Why shouldn’t he be sad?
He says you can’t divorce - why does his want matter more than yours?

So helpless he’ll kill himself if you aren’t there but not so helpless he can’t emotionally manipulate and blackmail you to save his own comfort.

Never mine being passively sad and hopeless - find your anger and advocate for yourself.

You feel lonely because you are trying to make a huge decision and no one can help you do that.

It’s a push him away when you’re at the end of your tether and pulling back when you imagine the outcome. I’ve been there too many years ago. Push/pull, push/pull it’s soul destroying.

Believe me, the end of this emotional torment and peace of mind is worth every move you take towards freedom.
Get some advice and take the first step. Life’s too short. Your marriage is dead.

Life is too short. You are sacrificing your life for him. His choices and decisions are on him, don't stay because of them.

Completely right. I don't think it's ever been alive. I knew marrying him was a mistake.

If you can't afford to rent a place on your part time salary, you can't afford to give him half a house. It will have to be sold and the proceeds split between you.

He can't stop you from divorcing him.

I think you need to make the move. Are you going to carry on like this til you cark it of old age? You can’t and shouldn’t live for others.

It would not be your fault if he did that. You must commit that to your mind. He could just as likely move on to an unsuspecting new woman as many dependent men do, once their partner has finally had enough. Do you have family or friends who could lend moral or practical support?

You’ve told him you want to end the relationship. It is not a negotiation. You consider it finished and make sure he knows that so he can start coming to terms with it.

Again, life is too short for people-pleasing. Why do you wish to make things ok for other people, over your own chance for happiness? Co-dependency isn't love, neither is it a good basis for a friendship or a marriage. Did you have a neglectful childhood?

I would go the route and talking to him and asking him if he himself deep down is really happy with the relationship. Odds are he is as miserable in the relationship as you are but he mainly fears the uncertainty of having divide the sale of the house in two and the uncertainty that brings with it.

Sounds like he values staying in that house more than being with you tbh.

But he's happy being unhappy as long as I'm around.

That's pure manipulation.

Find your inner strength and follow YOUR path in life.

It's so great, take it from me.

OP you need to value yourself more and work on your self esteem. You deserve at least half of the assets from your marriage. Why is his happiness more important than yours? Divorce him, sell the house and maybe you could then both buy something smaller. You realise the marriage was a mistake, don't let the rest of your life be one too. Get out and start a new life for yourself. Don't be blackmailed into staying or letting him keep the house.

I do have lovely friends. No family, sadly. I wouldn't want to burden my friends but I know they'd be supportive of whatever I was doing.

We have a large shared saving pot, I could potentially take my 50% of that and set myself up a little, while the house sold. I'd feel so guilty.

It just feels overwhelming.

Have only been in this house for 18 months, it was supposed to make everything better but turns out you can't run away from your own feelings.

Thank you for everyone replying.

His happiness matters more, because I'm just that way - I can relax if everyone else is happy. I'd feel very selfish putting myself first, for anything.

I have been where you are. The peace of mind I have now we are separated is huge. No more carrying a weight around in my stomach and spending so much time and headspace trying to work out how/if to leave.

Tell him calmly you need to separate, and just keep reinterating that this needs to happen. Eventually he will have to accept it and you can move forwards. You can do it, you deserve to be happy.