Just a rant about how blatantly unfair this is for women?

[jiarA]

And yes it is mainly women.

My ex does next to no parenting. I do 95% of it because he is ‘busy with work.’ Many women actually would criticise me for this and say I should TELL him to step up. I have… newsflash, he won’t.

He pays CMS which is 12 percent of his salary. Despite being a reasonable amount as he earns well, this doesn’t touch the sides of 50% of the actual costs due to nursery. He gets away with this while I meet the shortfall…and do all drops offs and picks ups and 95% of personal care for our child.

The narrative of single mothers being a drain on society.. sorry what? You mean the mothers picking up the physical, emotional and financial shortfalls of these largely absent men? The narrative is so deeply wrong it is shocking it has become a narrative at all.

Ex doesn’t need to be there if his child is unwell or needs to be picked up from nursery. But if I wasn’t there I would be considered neglectful.

My earning potential is hampered by the fact I am doing more than the lion’s share of care for our child while he does almost nothing. He will be applauded for his career and his standing in society while I am forced to fade out at least until our child is older.

There’s lots more.

These men should surely be noted for their lack of involvement with their children? Even if they cannot be forced to actually parent, it should be publicly available for all to see exactly what they pay and what they do for their child.

I know I sound bitter. I’m actually quite good fun usually - honest 😂 but all of this bollocks absolutely drains me. It feels unfair because it is!

So do women hide who they really are or just men? Why are men to blame when relationships go wrong I presume both are equal when it comes to blame? And showing the next generation how their parents choices and relationships affect the children who take it to the next generation and so on

Your own personal experience is not the sum total of all experience.

Some of them hide it very well. Many people still think my ex is a great guy, even knowing some of the awful things he has done. His facade is that convincing.
How do you think con artists manage to get money out of people?
It's human to want to trust and to believe. Without trust, life isn't much worth living. Do we blame Bernie Madoff's victims or do we blame Madoff?

The other part is that when women do see red flags, other people try to talk us out of trusting our own intuition. They tell us we are "too fussy" about men or some such nonsense. They warn us that our biological clocks are ticking and we'll end up alone if we don't accept that that's "just the way men are."
Add in that most of us did not grow up in an environment where we saw males being nurturing, so it's just seen as normal if they are useless selfish fuckers rather than a sign of bad things to come.

I remember a joke, which actually seems so true as I am now in my 40s. Men marry women, hoping they won't change, and women marry men hoping they will. It's very true in many cases

But you've said it right there, many women don't know what a good man should look like. I think unless women start being more honest then nothing will change. This thread is a good example where women are choosing to play the victim as though they have no choice who they procreate with

Not as much, no. We don't have to. Men don't tend to be as bothered about our character as long as we look good.
A perusal of the relationship threads will show you that while women often falsely blame themselves for relationship breakdown, it is usually the man who is mostly at fault.

Why would you assume it would have to be equal?
That would require both parties to be a match in terms of character. How often does that happen in the real world?

Huh? Somehow we're "dishonest" because we had no example of male nuturance growing up? You're really clutching at straws to blame women.

"Playing the victim." The favourite phrase of useless men and their female enablers who want to be seen as "cool girls."

Righto. Women are just innocent, stupid people who have to have children with useless men. Ok then.

Notice how the smart women don't seem to do this, and as women get smarter, less are having children

THIS. A thousand times over

There's straw in your teeth.
I suggest you learn to discuss things with a modicum of integrity instead of being so goady and up your own ass.

Righto. Back at ya.

And this is why men will never be forced to take responsibility for they own children, even other women blame single mothers for he situation they find themselves in.

@thiscantbemylife

Your post could literally be my post. Our situations are virtually identical. I could never have imagined I’d end up a single mum in these circumstances.

I am so shocked at the amount of women blaming other women. I think yes there can be instances where poor decision making can play a part. But there are millions of women who are in long established relationships with men who project themselves as good family men and then one day just up and leave. I was with my partner 14 years and then one day he literally just announced he was leaving for another women. I was completely blindsided. After repeatedly being told he loved his family so much, planning for the future. It felt like a click of the fingers and a total personality change.

Those saying that men fool women and pretend to be something they're not, and that women do it too are only really addressing one aspect of this....those who get pregnant in short term relationships. I don't think the ones who up and leave after years and years are pretending all that time. They actually do change...plenty of us have experienced this. I genuinely thought my ex must be having some kind of MH episode and was frantically trying to work out how to help him when he left for ow and became hostile and distant overnight.
Regardless of any of it though, it frankly is completely irrelevant as to how women end up "holding the baby". The absent parent needs to be made to support their child to a reasonable degree. The only exception to this is disability at which point an additional payment is made to the RP from the state.

I know several men who have done it. But I agree it’s not the norm. But I wouldn’t say it’s socially unacceptable it’s just that most men don’t want to do it.

I’m not sure that’s relevant to whether a dad should be required to take responsibility for his own child. Plus I don’t see any women here playing the victim, they’re all sticking around and taking responsibility for their decisions by raising their kids the best they can. Which is exactly what the dads should be doing.

There’s a baby/child and it exists because of both parents - both parents have responsibility for the baby/child and it doesn’t really matter what the decision making process to get to that point was.

It doesn’t matter if the mum ignored lots of red flags, the dad was there happily providing his sperm at the point of conception and any children resulting from that encounter are equally his responsibility.

Oh no why not? Must be something I've missed, I've only seen the outskirts of the flex appeal that's finally come into action.

On a society level I angry because unhappy or stressed families impact their children who are friends with mine.
Personally I refuse to nod and smile at Disney dad anecdotes. A rare trip to Thorpe Park is nothing compared to the daily school run.

Yesterday I called out my mum, who found it amusing and indulgent that my newly single 50 year old brother couldn't clean a bathroom. 35 years too late on that one. Thankfully he never had kids but he has consistently not pulled his own weight in all long term relationships. Apparently mummy's little prince is not to blame. Just bear in mind that this fresh to the market bachelor could be your colleague or boss at work. It infects the whole of society.

My friend has a Disney dad in an ex partner. She worries about the kids thinking he's the fun one, but I'm pretty sure that eventually, maybe not right now, but in time, they'll see him for what he is. And they'll see what she had to do. I think as long as you keep things civil as best you can, then they'll draw their own conclusions.

I think she's currently setting a terrible example.

She's pregnant with a man she's known less than a year, and has blended families with him. The worst thing I saw her say was how well her kids were taking it and how wonderful it all is because really, they're just little adults (WTF).

Her content and podcasts are just so negative about parenting. Even before divorce.

I think her new reality, with her well off new partner and blended family is very far removed from everyone else's reality in this thread. But that won't stop her monetising it in some way. She was a co-parent for about 5 mins.

I'm not entirely convinced she single handedly changed the flexibile working legislation, but she certainly likes to make people think she did it alone.

I'm sorry, I'm not usually so negative about someone but I wouldn't trust this message with her. I know it's not a race to the bottom, but I really don't think she represents the majority.

Shouldn't all 50/50 child care maintenance include the actual costs of childcare?

If your salary is under the £100,000 threshold you should be claiming 85% of the nursery costs through UC. That would cover 4 full days of nursery per week with most nurseries.

So why did you choose to have a child with a man like this?

Yes why is the narrative not absent, selfish fathers.