Person whose birthday it is should not pay for meal

HettyMeg · 2024-08-20T18:55:14+00:00

Organising birthday family meal for my mum, she requested location of meal. It's a set price party menu. She wants to pay for the whole thing! It will be over £400. I think everyone should pay their own way and me and DH will pay for my mum's meal too. Aibu?

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 20/08/2024 19:56

Your mum is organizing it for her birthday, therefore, it is normal for her to pay for everyone. Just let her get on with it.

Runnerinthenight · 20/08/2024 19:57

If out to celebrate a birthday, my family and friends would cover the cost of the birthday person's meal, plus pay for our own.

statetrooperstacey · 20/08/2024 19:57

I’m not sure it matters what you think tbh, if your mum wants to pay and can afford it wind your neck in. It might give her a lot of pleasure to pay for everyone x

Cosyblankets · 20/08/2024 19:57

Everyone is different
We would never do this in our family we would just pay for ourselves. In our family it would be a case of we're booking X restaurant on Y date and whoever goes pays for themselves.

Fiery30 · 20/08/2024 19:58

I always pay for my birthday meal, irrespective of the price. It's my way of thanking my friends. My friend did the same at her birthday lunch. There is nothing wrong with it. If she wants to, let her.

ditalini · 20/08/2024 19:59

Depends on the person. Some people love to treat and are uncomfortable the other way round.

Don't spoil your mum's night just to be "right" if it's really what she wants to do.

FawnFrenchieMum · 20/08/2024 20:00

It varies m, generally we all pay for ourselves and may offer to spilt the birthday persons, but not always.
However for my mums last special birthday she booked and paid for us all instead of having a party which would have probably cost the same and been a much bigger headache.
I don’t think there is any right or wrong.

user1471538275 · 20/08/2024 20:00

Everyone has different rules of this.

I would not be happy for someone paying for me. I also don't split the bill. There are a few people I might choose to pay for on their birthday but it would only ever be if it was my own choice and when I had the ability to pay.

You can choose for yourself, you can't choose for anyone else - including your mum.

Doingmybest12 · 20/08/2024 20:05

Do you feel she's being taken advantage of, are you worried she can't afford it, are you worried she feels duty bound and really she doesn't want to? Other than this I can't see why you aren't happy with her making her own decision? You could offer to cover drinks, or buy the coffees or puddings? I imagine she's just glad you are all turning out to celebrate and she wants to treat you. I don't think it's unusual.

HeddaGarbled · 20/08/2024 20:05

My H’s family were well off and would always treat everyone when they organised family meals out.

My family were not well off and it was expected that everyone would pay for themselves.

When we were young and struggling financially, my H really resented it when my family organised things that required us to spend money on things we couldn’t afford that we wouldn’t have chosen ourselves.

You and your H can obviously afford to treat your mum but there may be some people round that table in very different circumstances.

Let your mum have her way.

Woofwoofwoofgoesthewolfhound · 20/08/2024 20:08

I don't think there are fixed rules, it depends on context.

A casual get together with friends to celebrate a non-milestone birthday - would be normal for guests to pay for themselves, and also quite normal for the guests to cover the birthday person's meal as well.

A more 'formal' event (not necessarily a formal venue, but where people are formally invited by the host) - perhaps a private dining room etc - it would be perfectly normal for the birthday person to act as 'host' and pay for everyone. And it would be quite rude/odd to suggest paying (like trying to pay for your meal at a wedding).

Woofwoofwoofgoesthewolfhound · 20/08/2024 20:13

And just to add, I think it is incredibly important and much better manners to be able to graciously accept other people's generosity. If your mum wants to treat her family, then for god sake let her do it. She is literally telling you what she wants, it's very infantalising to insist you know better.

CaptainMyCaptain · 20/08/2024 20:16

There's no right or wrong, it's a choice but best to make sure everyone knows what's happening.

BeaRF75 · 20/08/2024 20:16

I am so thankful that I've never had to suffer the dreaded "family meal". But if an adult summons an entire clan to celebrate their birthday then, yes, they can darn well pay for it!

SauviGone · 20/08/2024 20:17

The only thing that really matters, is that everyone who is invited is clear on whether they are expected to pay for themselves, chip in to pay for the birthday person, or whether the bill is being covered by whoever is doing the inviting.

Icanttakethisanymore · 20/08/2024 20:19

It’s really up to her, why are you trying to overide her?

MasterBeth · 20/08/2024 20:22

BeaRF75 · 20/08/2024 20:16

I am so thankful that I've never had to suffer the dreaded "family meal". But if an adult summons an entire clan to celebrate their birthday then, yes, they can darn well pay for it!

What a mean-spirited response.

If my lovely mum was kind enough to bring our family together and pay for us to eat together, I'm sure we'd all be very grateful.

redskydarknight · 20/08/2024 20:24

Unless you (or anyone else) has put pressure on her to pay for the whole lot, or you think she really can't afford it, then why not just let her pay?

It's normal in my family for my parents to pay for family meals. My father would be mortally offended if we tried to do anything else.

purpleme12 · 20/08/2024 20:25

That's very generous of her
I mean I guess if she can afford it and wants to 🤷‍♀️

Underlig · 20/08/2024 20:27

My mum would definitely pay for everyone.

HeddaGarbled · 20/08/2024 20:27

If my lovely mum was kind enough to bring our family together and pay for us to eat together, I'm sure we'd all be very grateful

I think it highly likely that there will be someone at that table who is there under sufference: least favoured sibling, in-law, adolescent grandchild etc.

GrapeNerve · 20/08/2024 20:28

Woofwoofwoofgoesthewolfhound · 20/08/2024 20:08

I don't think there are fixed rules, it depends on context.

A casual get together with friends to celebrate a non-milestone birthday - would be normal for guests to pay for themselves, and also quite normal for the guests to cover the birthday person's meal as well.

A more 'formal' event (not necessarily a formal venue, but where people are formally invited by the host) - perhaps a private dining room etc - it would be perfectly normal for the birthday person to act as 'host' and pay for everyone. And it would be quite rude/odd to suggest paying (like trying to pay for your meal at a wedding).

Yes this. Totally normal for the birthday person to pay for everyone for a formal meal. Please don’t try and pay for yourself, that would be very rude and gauche.

Timeforaglassofwine · 20/08/2024 20:28

If I invite people out I like to pay. Perhaps your mum wants to do the same?

Saschka · 20/08/2024 20:29

In some cultures it’s normal for the birthday person to pay for everyone’s meal - like when you invite children to a birthday party, you don’t expect the parents to chip in for the room hire.

If your mum genuinely wants to treat everyone, let her.

prescribingmum · 20/08/2024 20:34

As others have said, everyone has a different view on this.

When younger and out with friends (school/uni days), we used to split the bill and share the cost of the person who's birthday it was irrespective of who organised the meal.

My parents generation would be absolutely horrified at allowing anyone else to pay if they have invited others out to celebrate. They strongly believe they should foot the bill. Over time, I agree with this more and more and want to pay if I were inviting anyone to celebrate my birthday/anniversary/occasion