Recently turned 30 and very behind in life, WIBU to ask what you would do if you were me?

[BehindInLife]

I recently turned 30 and it has sent me into a bit of an existential crisis. I have been feeling so stressed and worried as I am really behind in life/where I want to be. I had really bad mental health during my 20s so I was in survival mode and got myself into a rut. WIBU to ask, if you were me, what would you do/prioritise?

• Housing: I live with my parents still. I have some savings, although not as much as I probably should have as I spent most of my 20s at university and doing a PhD rather than earning money. I have enough savings and income to afford a part-buy-part-rent small flat, or if I saved for another 3-4 years at home I could afford a 1 or 2 bedroom property outright, which may be the better option as the part-buy-part-rent schemes do work out quite expensive, rent costs go up and they can be difficult to sell. I can't make up my mind about which to do, I feel a sense of urgency to just buy something ASAP which isn't the best frame of mind to be in when making a decision like this.
• Single: I'm single and have been for most of my 20s, I do want a partner but bad experiences in the past have put me off and I have issues with intimacy, etc. I am the only person I know who is still single - all my friends are in serious, long-term relationships. Realistically, my only way of meeting someone would be online dating, which scares me a lot. I'm very socially anxious and insecure. I also hate the idea of trying to date whilst living with my parents, as they would tease me about it.
• Being a Mum: Being a Mum is all I want in life, and I really don't think it's going to happen for me. I have been thinking that if I saved and managed to get a 2-bedroom flat/house I could try and pursue solo motherhood with a donor, but the time it would take me to save for that would be more time running out.
• My weight: I'm hugely ashamed and embarrassed about my weight. I'm a size 18 so not morbidly obese, but it still affects my self-esteem a lot. I don't want to meet people or go out as I worry about my weight. I hate how I look. I have tried to diet for years and nothing works; I always put it all back on. I have been thinking of trying weight loss injections, but at around £150/month+ that would contradict my desire to save money, but at the same time I think it would hugely benefit me to feel comfortable with my weight. I was thinking I could try using them for a year and use the time to learn better habits.

I apologise that this post is very all over the place.

honestly 30 is so young still. Do intermittent fasting to lose weight, once you feel more confident in that department things will look brighter in terms of socialising/dating etc.

Re housing, stay at home and save. you never know - you might meet someone in a few years and move with them etc. SO MUCH can happen in a few years - try to chill and live each day as it is. Look after yourself and the rest will follow x

Oh bless you, it sounds like you're having a tough time. My situation was not exactly like yours, but not a million miles away either and it did all fall into place eventually - later than I thought I would have liked, but so nicely that it didn't mate. I married at 39 and had our daughter at 40 and we're a happy three.
I think the key is to keep going and refuse to allow yourself to become discouraged, at least for long periods. From experience, I know how much courage this takes, but just using that courage has its own benefits - your confidence grows even without you realising it, and you become accustomed to being determined, if that makes sense. I'm still determined about certain things because I had a lot of practice! I would put your weight low down on the list of priorities. Getting your own place sounds like a great idea - maybe Citizens Advice or a mortgage advisor would help you find a third way to the ones you mention. There's help out there for first time buyers.
As for dating, OLD didn't find me a husband but it did get me lots of practice in the determination I mentioned earlier. I kept forcing myself to get out there and kept the stakes low. I told myself all I had to do was turn up, be pleasant, go home, no more. That is doable. I also tried other groups and activities that widened the people I met, partly for its own sake, but partly because you might make a new friend who has a lovely brother!
30 probably feels ancient, but I promise you it's not. Little by little, steel yourself and put yourself out there. It will pay dividends in many ways. Putting your post on Mumsnet probably felt hard, but it's an important step - to recognise the issue and be courageous enough to ask for advice. What little step will you take next? Evening classes are a good one as you're there for a reason - look at your local adult education college and take a course in something that looks interesting. Wishing you so much luck and success.

First of all a size 18 isn't huge, secondly, you're only 30 so don't panic about kids yet, you've got a few years and thirdly, I wouldn't prioritise housing as it sounds like it's not urgent you move out.

I think you should focus on what makes you happy. What is that? Do you have a good career? Friends?

I would stay at home with parents and save and also explore losing weight. I would not do weight loss injections personally. Do you think it’s emotional eating that you’re doing?

Many people try various things like low carb or a specific plan but get bored, frustrated or don’t like the specialised diet so return. It’s changing mindset. I get it’s hard, I’m wresting with my mindset currently.

Focus on the things you can control

You can control when you buy a property. If things are going well with your parents then stay with them until you can afford your own place without the shared ownership. If you dont already have one open a LISA. A reasonable target would be 5 years.

You can control your weight providing you don't have any medical issues. Improving diet is important but so is physical activity. If you don't want to go out and about as you don't want people to see you then get up and go out early or in the evening. The physical activity will help with your weight, but the endorphins and new routine will help with your self confidence. If you can go out and join a physical activity based group like Ramblers or volunteer at a nature reserve doing hands on work you'll meet new people, those people are highly likely to be introverts and struggle with social things too. A reasonable target would be a year to lose 3.5 stone and bring you back to a size 12/14. You'll feel better about yourself, be out meeting people and more likely to have a relationship with a like minded person.

Being a mum, that one is trickier, you may want to be a mum but are you mentally in a good place to look after another human? If you go it alone it's very challenging although manageable but with a history of mental illhealth I'd be concerned about PND and being on your own. You need to be able to go out and about, to attend school functions, to socialise a bit with other adults so your child doesn't lead too sheltered a life if the are a only. You've still got the best part of a decade before things get really challenging, I'd continue still working on self care mentally and physically and dealing with any issues whilst you get your self set up in a new home.

I'm 52. I've never married, had a mortgage, nor been a mother. Not everyone follows the same path, whether or not it's their chosen way.

You’ve got a phd which is a lot more than most people, so remember your hard work and achievement.

Regarding housing, how much money have you saved? Would it be enough to buy a flat in a cheaper area?

There are ways to meet single people other than online dating, take the pressure off and join a few different clubs or groups where you’re likely to make new friends. There’s a church near us renowned for being the place all the young single Christians go to meet. These days no one cares if you live with your parents because it’s hard for everyone to get on the property ladder.

In regard to being a mum, if you struggle with your mental health I am going to be frank and say you might find it really hard on your own. It’s such a demanding job 24/7. You need a partner ideally who can help you, especially postpartum. If you have helpful parents that’s a bonus but they don’t substitute for a supportive partner.

I’ve heard good things about weight loss injections, so you could always try that, but as you say it is expensive. As someone who loves food myself, I’ve found the only diet that works for me is the 5:2 diet by Michael Moseley. That’s because I can still eat what I like most of the time and the results are instant so it keeps you motivated.

I wouldn’t prioritise any - I would just do them ALL now. You don’t have to pick one and ignore the rest. The only one I would shelve is the donor business. You can start losing weight, online dating and saving today. 30 is still super young. Why don’t you give yourself until Christmas to save some more and look at buying / renting in the New Year.

Don’t approach online dating as trying to find the one, just treat it as a social thing. I look back with fondness when I was living at home with parents and going on dates.

Honestly, I'd go and seek adventure & travel. Use some of your savings to experience the world, face some challenges head on and put yourself out of your comfort zone. Book an organised group tour or maybe go and do some overseas volunteering if backpacking solo is too daunting but resist the pressure to conform for just a bit longer. It might be scary but I can guarantee will be the making of you ❤

Why would your parents tease you about dating? Are they kind and supportive in general?
'Teasing' can be very undermining.

The answer to that would change my advice.

You ask what I would do, if I woke up in your shoes faced with these 4 concerns. I would:

1. Recognise that turning 30 (just like turning any other big/significant number) was making me more anxious about some underlying worries, and that I shouldn’t over react or make any snap big decisions due to that anxiety. I would note that this will pass in a year or so, but likely return when I turned 40 or other big ages, and so to be on guard for it then.
2. I would see that the four things I am concerned about (noting as above the concern is heightened due to age issues at the moment, but that I still am concerned about these things) all can feed or roll into each other. Therefore they can all improve together, or stagnate together.
3. I would start by focusing on weight loss. Don’t look for quick fixes, see your GP for guidance as to healthy eating (or referrals for that advice) and book in some physical activity, whether it be joining a gym, a running/walking group, a tennis club or a soccer team. This will feel uncomfortable. It may be embarrassing and hard. There is no way around this. You set your mind to do it, or it doesn’t happen.
4. Focus on diet and exercise for 6 minths. Not for quick fixes, but to slowly and surely lose weight. At the 6 month mark, I would then push myself into dating. The exercise and weight loss should help your self esteem, and any left over embarrassment again - you just have to get over. It won’t magically happen - you have to get out and make things happen for you, or they won’t. Try and meet people at your new activities - gym, running etc. Say yes, to any and all outings with friends to meet them and people through them. And sign up for online dating. Look at Dating Coach Erica on Instagram for advice on dating apps. Keeping dating for the next 6-12 months after that, whilst also continuing to lose weight and keep your diet and exercise regime up.
5. Live at home whilst doing this. Save as much as you can. Be strict with your self. I would set an overall 2 year deadline to keep saving as much as I can, with the aim of buying a property at the end of the 2 years and then moving out of home. What type of property? Depends how much money you have - and you never know, you might have met someone by then with a deposit the same as yours and be planning to buy together ;)

Your story is incredibly normal. Only tv tells you differently

You are still very young. It'll all happen. Just try to enjoy your life without putting other peoples expectations on you

This is a great post.

I'm in my early 30s and can relate to this - It feels like everyone around you has it all together, but the truth is, nobody does. (sounds cliche but you never know what other people are struggling with behind closed doors.)

My advice is be kind to yourself and appreciate the good - for one, A phd is an increadible acomplishment. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders.

I think you should focus on your physical and mental health above all else, everything else will click in place in time.

I think I’d definitely hold off buying until you can buy outright, also if you met someone you may be able to buy somewhere together and it would be hard to then sell the shared ownership property.

@BehindInLife

What kind of work do you do, OP?

Focus on your health and your savings. Don't part buy. Save and buy outright.

30 is young to give up on finding a relationship and having children with someone.
In your shoes I'd keep saving money for now and focus on your health.

30 is no age at all.

Get serious with your savings as of today. Put away as much as possible and buy somewhere outright.

start getting out for daily walks, drinking lots of water and try not to focus on how much you’re eating just focus on it being good nutritional food. Restricting can lead to being so hungry that you want to eat lots of bad foods. If you let yourself eat a portion that keeps you full you’re more likely not to reach for the biscuits etc.

OP, your post is not all over the place, and neither are you. One thing I find so common in people in their twenties is comparing their one life to everyone else's accumulated experience and finding themselves wanting.

You haven't fallen behind. Give yourself credit for what you have achieved.

• You have studied for the top level of academic degree. That is phenomenally hard to do. You don't say if you got the phD or just worked towards it - but both are commendable.
• You have saved a lot of money so you may soon be able to buy somewhere. Lots of people never reach that level. Certainly not aged 30.

One thing that is immediately within your control is your health/fitness/weight. I'd focus on this. Exercise daily, eat a very healthy diet and restrict calories slightly to achieve weight loss. This will put you in a better state of health for getting pregnant and for feeling confident about finding a partner.

Don't assume you have to find love via OLD. Just get out in the world. Do lots of different fitness classes - weight training, yoga, dance, hiking, park run, swimming. Start with at least three a week. Sign up for some physical community activity too like gardening or helping at a scout group. Not to find love, but you never know... friends of friends, brothers of friends... fellow helpers... Just widen your net and be engaged with life.

I'd hold out for a flat of your own, not shared ownership. Keep looking every week. Both my DC managed to get on the property ladder by being obsessive about looking until they each found a place that fitted their needs and was a bargain in comparison with most other places.

You have ages to become a mum. I had DC at 39 and 40. For now, allow yourself to do some living.

I always struggled with many of these things so I understand where you are coming from, and it also impacted on my me tal health seeing others taking those steps in life that I felt I “should” have too.
It sounds like you have lots going for you, an intelligent, sensitive woman. And at 30 you do have time

Think about what your priorities are right now. It sounds like getting out doing something (perhaps a sport, activity, social thing) that would improve your self esteem and focussing on loosing weight sound very important. Perhaps invest some money in this too, dietician/weight loss medication (with support)/personal training.

Save money, live at home if you are happy and buy in the future.

i also always wanted to be a mother and never thought I would meet someone. I met my partner at 34 had my daughter at 37 and getting married next year. I think it was a mindset shift that helped I decided I had to put myself “out there” lots of dates, used apps etc . The worst that can happen is a boring few hours in a pub. And it did work. Do you have a friend you can confide in? I found that helped. I also found a social activity I loved (dancing in my case) with opened up and different social scene to me and a wonderful community so I wasn’t stuck in a rut with old friends (who I cared for) but all had their own families etc. it gave me a reason to get out and about on a weekend /evening etc .

wishing you the best of luck

You are actually doing really well if you will be in a position to buy a home in a few years. Honestly that will be so important if you want to have a child later in your 30s. So many people your age will not have that option.

Reaching a healthier weight is also a good shout, but take your time.

Flippin heck, you're only 30. Don't write motherhood off yet!! You're living with your parents - but you have savings AND a phd.

I'd be embarrassed to tell you where I was at your age. I'm doing worse than you now, and I'm nearly 40.

We really need to start impressing on people from childhood that 30 is really, really not old. Having a crisis at this age because you feel like you're failing (with a phd!!) is a tragic waste of energy. Trust me - you're doing grand!

You're only 30. You have plenty of time to figure these things out. Have you considered therapy for your self-esteem? If you possibly can, I'd try to bite the bullet and try a few exercise classes. Try anything that sounds fun. If you manage to try 10 different sports, then maybe you'll find the one that sticks. Exercise would help you feel more confident about yourself and also improve your fertility.

You don't have to do online dating. If I were you I'd enjoy some active hobbies in the hope of meeting new friends and a potential partner. Could you try Pilates, yoga, gym classes, running club, a sport you like, art class, photography? It would get you out of the house and out of a rut.