Recently turned 30 and very behind in life, WIBU to ask what you would do if you were me?

[BehindInLife]

I recently turned 30 and it has sent me into a bit of an existential crisis. I have been feeling so stressed and worried as I am really behind in life/where I want to be. I had really bad mental health during my 20s so I was in survival mode and got myself into a rut. WIBU to ask, if you were me, what would you do/prioritise?

• Housing: I live with my parents still. I have some savings, although not as much as I probably should have as I spent most of my 20s at university and doing a PhD rather than earning money. I have enough savings and income to afford a part-buy-part-rent small flat, or if I saved for another 3-4 years at home I could afford a 1 or 2 bedroom property outright, which may be the better option as the part-buy-part-rent schemes do work out quite expensive, rent costs go up and they can be difficult to sell. I can't make up my mind about which to do, I feel a sense of urgency to just buy something ASAP which isn't the best frame of mind to be in when making a decision like this.
• Single: I'm single and have been for most of my 20s, I do want a partner but bad experiences in the past have put me off and I have issues with intimacy, etc. I am the only person I know who is still single - all my friends are in serious, long-term relationships. Realistically, my only way of meeting someone would be online dating, which scares me a lot. I'm very socially anxious and insecure. I also hate the idea of trying to date whilst living with my parents, as they would tease me about it.
• Being a Mum: Being a Mum is all I want in life, and I really don't think it's going to happen for me. I have been thinking that if I saved and managed to get a 2-bedroom flat/house I could try and pursue solo motherhood with a donor, but the time it would take me to save for that would be more time running out.
• My weight: I'm hugely ashamed and embarrassed about my weight. I'm a size 18 so not morbidly obese, but it still affects my self-esteem a lot. I don't want to meet people or go out as I worry about my weight. I hate how I look. I have tried to diet for years and nothing works; I always put it all back on. I have been thinking of trying weight loss injections, but at around £150/month+ that would contradict my desire to save money, but at the same time I think it would hugely benefit me to feel comfortable with my weight. I was thinking I could try using them for a year and use the time to learn better habits.

I apologise that this post is very all over the place.

If I was you:

1. Housing - stay at parents for 3-4 years to save - buying a house outright in your mid 30's would be an amazing achievement
2. Single - embrace the single life! If I decided to give online dating a go any potential suitors who teased me about living with my parents would be chucked back into the "dating pool"
3. Being a mum - would depend on if I found someone who I wanted to raise a child with - I probably wouldn't do it on my own personally as would be too scared/worried I couldn't cope (I'm a very anxious person) - kudos to you for thinking about doing it solo 💪
4. Weight - look into slimpod - I have recently found this and it has been a game-changer - not a diet, more of a change in mindset with pods to listen to, coaching videos and supportive facebook group.

www.thinkingslimmer.com

"There is only one certainty in life - and that is that nothing is certain" - G.K Chesterton

You mention your parents teasing you abut dating. Do they tease you about other things? You sound very unconfident about yourself & I wonder if getting some space and living more independently as an adult would give you more headspace and confidence to work on the other things that are bothering you.

OP, I turned 30 in November and it triggered something of an existential crisis for me too even though our situations are a bit different. In my case, I've been in a long-term relationship for ages and was very upset to suddenly be 30 and not married or engaged. So regardless of where you are, I think the age is a huge milestone and it can really rattle you.

But even though I'm not thrilled to be 30, I am proud of what I've achieved this year. I've always struggled with exercise in particular, so I started last year with going to 1 pilates class a week and making it a routine. Now I have added to that 1 run per week (in the past eight weeks) and so now as step 3 I'm trying to add mid-week exercising to make myself healthier and be in good stead for when I age. 30 is a great time to start exercising - we still have relatively fast metabolisms and plenty of time to make lasting changes before it gets even harder. Go for it!

You are young!

I didn't get pregnant till 36 and it was the perfect age for me so you have many years.

If I were you I'd focus on finding some active hobby that you really enjoy to get yourself fit and in the shape. It doesn't have to be sport, it could be gardening or dancing in your kitchen!

Once you start to feel fitter and healthier your confidence will grow - you may feel like joining a club to do more of your hobby or feel confident to try a new sport or hobby - it's a great way to meet people.

So that's where I would start - just get yourself as healthy and fit as you wish and things will naturally fall into place.

@BehindInLife oh goodness don’t be so hard on yourself. You are certainly not ‘behind’ in my eyes and I am old! A few things I think you might want to consider. At 30 you had 2 years of the pandemic. You clearly worked hard academically so you have to accept that you are naturally going to be lagging for want of a better word in terms of those who started work say 1) straight from school 2)post A levels 3)post degree 4)post MA. I also think the pressure to have a partner makes it impossible to do just that. Hobbies and interests or travel will widen your mind and open doors to meet new people at a gentle pace avoiding the horrors of online dating especially if you have anxiety and are conscious of how you look. What I would also say is if you are living at home and it is a nice set up then enjoy it. Set a few goals such as healthier eating exercise you enjoy even if it is walking an extra so many steps a day. Trust the posters who say you are still young, you have a PhD there is time to fit all the other things in. Depending on your location renting if affordable might be a step towards feeling a little more mature and less in the family home. You sound very switched on! Don’t beat yourself up.

What was your PhD in? I think 30 is a good age for an adventure so in your shoes I think I'd try to travel but in a way that won't cost too much or impact my career badly, e.g. sign up for some fieldwork or apply for a teaching or research job at a uni in another country or maybe do some related VSO stuff. You'll meet people, have fun and realise life isn't all about specific milestones or being a certain weight or size.
I understand worrying about having kids even at the quite young age of 30, but it's not panic stations yet.
If adventure is not for you I'd suggest doing the less financially sensible thing and moving out from your parents house. Living with parents puts you in child mode. You need space for a partner, for your kids etc... Live independently - it will be a breath of fresh air.

I know many people who did PhDs and they are often (understandably) a little behind compared to their peers with regards to home ownership or family life. You have dedicated 3-4 years of your life to a PhD - this is amazing and you should be proud of yourself!

30 is really young still and many of your peers (PhD or not) are not owners yet or do not have partners and children.
I personally would wait a little to avoid buying part rent part buy if I were you.
I'd go out/ take up hobbies to hopefully meet someone but without stressing too much about it.

30 isn't that old, I know that its hard to convince yourself when you're in a certain mindset but your life isn't set in stone just because you've hit a certain age.
Prioritise what you want for your life and try to make a plan to start moving towards that.
Don't write off being a parent just because you're 30! My 2 closest mum friends had their first at 40 and 42; and for context, one had been married to her husband since she was 22 and the other had only met her husband at 38.
Based on the points in your post I think moving out of your parents house could be your priority, then you can consider thinking about dating and parenthood options.

I feel very similar issues to you except that I am 41. I have the same issues with weight and housing (I don't live with my parents but I don't own my own home) and I have been single for years and now have missed the chance to have children. It is really hard and I do feel like I have failed at life but all I would say is that 30 really is very young and I would love to go back to that age, you still have so much time to change the things you are not happy about. The post from 3LemonsandLime is a great one and gives really good advice.

@BehindInLife this may not be the case BUT if your parents are in anyway telling you/comparing you to the adult children of their peers - which is very common - ignore them.

I know of my best friend who’s in a similar position to you and I’m similar only I did get the mortgage. I almost didn’t get one though as I got parents as guarantors. I did have the deposit though and/or was saving towards it..I have been engaged twice and my friend was in a relationship for 13 years.

Another best friend of mine wanted kids but then her long term relationship broke up and then she had issues with fibroids etc which made it hard if not eventually nigh on impossible to have a child. She does have a nice partner though, a good career and has goals in place in her life.

Sometimes I think it’s just life and you deal with what cards you’re dealt with.

I have so many friends in a similar position and my advice is always the same - stop holding yourself back!

1. Do you want to move out or do you think you “should”? If you’re happy with your living situation, stay there and save up. Don’t feel bad about not having more savings, it’s very difficult to save during a PhD.
2. There are millions of ways to meet someone that needn’t be online. Volunteer, start a hobby or class, join a gym, whatever! Ask friends to introduce you to their friends etc.
3. No need to rush - you have tonnes of time! If you’re seriously considered, why not look into freezing your eggs? Otherwise, pump the brakes - why do you think 30 is so different to 29? Take the pressure off! I guarantee even those with relationships/mortgages etc don’t feel like they have it all figured out.
4. And finally, please stop putting your life on hold until you lose weight! You don’t need to be a size 8 to meet someone, but you do need to feel confident in yourself. You could lose loads of weight and still never meet anyone because you’d find something else to criticise and hold yourself back with. Your future partner needn’t be Brad Pitt, so why do you need to be whatever imaginary size you’ve decided will improve your life? I’m sure you have lots to offer!

In summary, the only person holding you back in your life is yourself. Invest in yourself first and foremost (whether that’s getting out for walks, joining an activity or group, making healthy meals for your family) and you’ll find that bits start falling into place.

I would have felt the same way as you if I was your age and had no partner - I wanted children more than anything - so I do understand. You still have time to meet the right partner though and I think you should give it another four years or so before you decide you need to go it alone. You can be quietly figuring out how you can make it work, if you have to, while you concentrate on building a happy, fulfilling life for yourself, hopefully finding a partner and losing weight. Personally, I found going low carb and cutting out sugar as far as possible was the only way I could lose weight. Choose a diet you think might work for you and stick to it: I promise the results will be worth it. You also need to exercise, which has the added advantage of opening up more opportunities to meet someone. I swim and walk my dog for an hour everyday - you should choose two activities that get you moving, out and about, then build them into your daily routine. Next you need a couple of hobbies or interests, something you really enjoy, maybe singing (join a choir), Warhammer (loads of single men), hiking (join a group). Go along and have fun - if you meet someone it will be a lovely bonus. Concentrate on your career and don’t buy any where yet, keep saving, with a view to buying by the age of 35-ish. Good luck.

You are doing way better than you realise, so well done! At 30 I had just split up with a long term live in boyfriend, I thought my life was over. I had few friends, had moved country, had next to no money, no savings and no dating prospects. It turns out that 30 is not the weird cutoff that women are told it should be. I'm coming up for 40, 2 kids, married, made my own friends, a high end job, lots of savings, retirement accounts etc. It is entirely possible to get what you want, but a lot of it is luck, and most of it is honestly working on yourself. It sounds as though you might need some therapy discussions re. dating, health habits, life planning etc.

As others have said, if having biological children matters to you that much, focus on weight loss. Exercise, diet, even ozempic. Get the weight off now, as you get older it will only get harder. If you want to have chidren with someone, you've got no option but to put yourself out there when you're ready. In this age, no one is going to appear at your door to invite you out. Dating is a numbers game really in my experience. Having children alone is also an option, though bloody hard. You do have options though, and you are young. Remember that.

Good luck, and I really hope that you get what you are looking for.

Thank you everyone. Your comments have really helped me. It's been a bit of a difficult week. A long-term single friend has met someone and it is going really well. I'm really happy for her, but I did seek a lot of comfort and reassurance knowing I wasn't the only single one in my friendship group, but now I am.

I started weight loss injections and have been feeling really sick and unwell on them. I know that will likely reduce with time as I build up tolerance to them, but it has made me realise that these are strong drugs and not just a quick fix.

I feel so uncomfortable with my situation; I feel like I just want to change everything in my life as soon as possible, but I feel overwhelmed with how many things I want to happen/change. It feels like one foot is on the accelerator, and one on the brakes. Sundays are always one of the hardest days of the week as I never know what to do with myself.

And don't worry in the slightest about your parents teasing you for dating.. you don't have to tell them your every movement at your age. They would probably be delighted for you if you met someone lovely.

I'm sorry you're struggling OP. It's hard when everyone else is paired up, plus everything seems geared for couples - and living alone is very expensive. I don't think I could ever afford to buy on my own in my city, the prices are ridiculous. Plus I'm also the only single one left in my friendship group.

I think when things get overwhelming there is an urge to jack it all in and change everything, but you are better off taking one thing at a time.

Or make a plan - for the next 2 years stay living with your parents and use that time to save as much as possible towards your own place. So don't stress about that, you have a timeframe to work with.

Regarding the weight loss injections, they can be great for some people, but not for others. If you want to persevere then do, but if the side effects are bothering you, alternatively you could try other methods, especially as you want to change your habits for the long term, or you may gain the weight back again.

It may take longer, but again give yourself a timeframe - maybe a year - to start eating healthier and working out. Just slowly at first introduce better habits. This time next year you could be in a much better place mentally and physically.
Try to think of it as getting healthier for you and your future role as a mum.

I would look to move out asap. You could be living at home, saving forever let's face it. You've already spent 10+ years more than most in the family home.

It's either get your independence or continue to live with your parents.
That's definitely an area that I would change pronto.

Ah I had the same worries at 30. Nearly 40 now.

I would honestly join a gym, find a nice class or swim to get you moving and then endorphins running. You will likely meet others at the gym which could lead to romance, kids and a mortgage or may give you a confidence boost to try something new. Live with your parents for a bit if there are no issues and save for a better deposit.

Not very fashionable advice, but I would devote your immediate energies to losing weight. You are young, obviously clever, and sound very kind and thoughtful. Alas it is true that most men, simple creatures that they are, will not want to marry you and have a family at your current weight.

I wasn't overweight but I had very bad acne in my teens and 20s. I then took Roaccutane and with decent (not great but OK with makeup!) skin realized what I had only suspected before -- that my happiness and opportunities in life were being held back by one trivial and superficial thing, which it had been in my power to fix much earlier than I did.

Worth quoting a second time.

as someone who has been there (I was slightly younger when I bought but I had to move home to save everything else is the same…) I saved AGGRESSIVELY and had a 2 year target.

once you lose a bit of weight online dating gets easier (at the start it’s uncomfortable just like the exercising)

you have to start giving zero fucks and stop letting fear and “what others think” hold you back.

I’m 40 in a £1m+ house with a husband two kids and a dog… if you’d told me that at 30 I’d have laughed in your face.

one thing that really helped me was I did when I was 30 was a fitness boot camp holiday which really jumped started my weight loss. You can haggle and get last minute deals and if you can tolerate sharing rooms they aren’t that expensive! You get to try lots of exercise lose your embarrassment and inhibition around exercising and I lost over 7lbs!

You have goals xxx you can do it! Buy a house in 3-4 years.

Become open to looking for a compatible partner who wants to raise children together.

Use the injection to initially loss weight then get a PT and exercise! You’ll feel great.

never too late… you only live one life