Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

TW: Incest - AIBU For not meeting a family member

54 replies

Wheatbiscuits · 20/08/2024 12:17

TW: incest.

On the surface my family was and is highly functional but once you scratch the surface it really isn’t. It is extremely dysfunctional. Apparently there was a decades long standing sexual relationship between two of my siblings which one now calls abuse and the other, naturally the abuser says was consensual. My parents believe the abuser. I absolutely believe it was abuse, he abused me too, but I also separately struggle with how the victim went out of her way to keep a very close relationship with the abuser over the decades when all of this was happening.

There has been a concerted campaign of carpet sweeping across my family and although my other siblings no longer meet with the abuser my parents still do and still talk about him normally with other people as though it has all been forgotten about.

I have stepped back from them all for the sake of my mental health because honestly I now think my family is full of personality disordered people. My parents literally wrote me out the second I called out all of this for the madness it was so they speak about my brother but never mention me except to bad mouth me to people they can get away with doing that with.

Apologies for the long back story but a family member is coming over from abroad to visit my parents and has forwarded details of her trip.

AIBU to ignore the visit.

OP posts:
goingdownfighting · 20/08/2024 18:07

I'm think your position is quite clear.

You are not able to have a relationship with your sister because it is too traumatic for you. That's perfectly reasonable. She has obviously created her own narrative, likely as a protective mechanism. You have your own views.

Let her visit, be the golden child and steer clear. If she asks to see you then say you're not ready while her and your parents continue to accept your brother's abuse.

Perhaps in their own way they have chosen their relationship with each other over the abuse that has happened. Of course that is no comfort to you and your suffering.

I can't see what you would achieve by seeing her/spending time with them all if they are going to minimise/brush over/gaslight you.

olympicsrock · 20/08/2024 18:15

Look after yourself . No good will come of seeing up. It will only open up old wounds. You made the good decision to go non- contact for a very good reason.
don’t let them get back in your head !

NameChangeUser183794639 · 20/08/2024 19:43

Wheatbiscuits · 20/08/2024 18:07

Awww @NameChangeUser183794639 that is such a lovely post. You made me very emotional reading that. You are compromised so much when you are abused, for me I felt like I was wrapped so tightly like a knotted spool of thread with thorns. Trying to unpick the knots is so painful. It sounds like you might have just unpicked one more knot there. ❤️❤️❤️

Sorry I got interrupted by the phone!

It's exactly as you say, I couldn't describe it better! Now I feel emotional all over again at your response! Those who go through it, know it. All the painful tightly tied knots.

I hope you can untangle some of yours in peace, away from the toxicity that made it possible for you to be so hurt in the first place. It's your turn now, and you deserve all the good. ♥️♥️xx

Elsvieta · 20/08/2024 20:44

Of course YANBU.

This is very common, sadly (parents supporting the abuser / pretending it didn't happen / blaming or rejecting the one who calls it out). I'm very sorry it's happening to you. It's as shit as shit gets. But it happens a lot.

Get hold of the recent Decca Aitkenhead piece on sibling sexual abuse if you can (Times paywall, sadly).

New posts on this thread. Refresh page