Everyone says not to compare myself - but I can’t help it

[Sad27YearOld]

I am 27, I have a reasonably good job in the NHS but obviously not on a sparkling salary. My partner works in admin and earns similar to me.
We’re doing ok but definitely living to our means.

We are renting a flat, we accepted the fact that if we wanted our own space it was going to take years and years of saving up. And we just wanted to be happy. I’ve kind of accepted the fact that I’m never going to buy, or at least not for a very long time.

And yet, I’m seeing people younger than me that I knew from school etc, they’re doing all this stuff. This morning I saw a girl who has bought a huge house with her partner. They recently got engaged in Bali (!), and are hosting a huge engagement party with booked entertainment etc.

I just can’t help but think that’ll never be me. We can’t afford to get engaged just yet but when we do, it’ll be low key. I just can’t help but feel a bit sad about the fact that I’ll never be able to do these things.

Partner always tells me to compare but I just can’t help it!…

I bought a flat when I was 25 and I wish I haven’t. I was too young to tie myself to a mortgage and it was a constant money pit with repairs, improvements and all the joys that come with property ownership. I missed out on a lot of opportunities because I had big financial commitments. I would have loved to live abroad, travel more, do another uni degree… none of it was possible because I had to make sure to keep up with mortgage payments. It was easier to rent. I could give my notice any day and bugger off to Bali for 6 months…
There are pros and cons to everything.
And as far as engagement party, to each their own but I could never personally justify blowing so much money on a piss up. My personal values just never aligned with the lifestyle you long for. I am a free spirit and would rather spend 10k doing an art residency in Japan than on a big wedding. So it maybe worth thinking about what is it that actually matters to you, what your passion is. You may surprise yourself.

Two words: FAMILY. MONEY.

So you want more people to tell you to stop comparing yourself to others? And then ignore them too?

Doesn't even have to be family money. Many factors in play.
Location, salary, personal priorities are imho the biggest ones

when I compare myself to others, here is how I try to frame it:

There will always be others who are richer / prettier / more successful than you and I will always be richer / prettier / more successful than others.

Everyone has problems - even if you can’t see them in their instagram posts you don’t know what they’ve been through - poor mental health, eating disorders, bereavements, abuse, absent parents etc. You just don’t know what goes on behind clothes doors.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

But that’s easy to say when the reality is difficult.

Yes, an extravagant engagement and buying a house a really lovely, but being happy with a partner you love is the important bit. A well-paid job is fabulous, but having a rewarding one means more.

Yes, people have more or less money than each other. Sometimes based on their choices. How hard they worked whilst in education, how ambitious they are. My own husband is from extreme poverty in a South American country. He decided to change his circumstances and went to university, working menial jobs to do so and worked his way up from payroll clerk to finance director by being ridiculously hardworking. He's moved all over the world to pursue his career. Nothing he has accomplished is down to luck.

Other people have good circumstances, myself included. I went to private school and a good university and got a decent degree and job without having to half kill myself like my dh did.

The richest person I know personally has a takeaway. It's open six days a week but he works seven days. Easily over twelve hours a day on the days it's open. He's got plenty of money but so would I if I worked that hard.

Bali is the Spain of Australia if that makes you feel any better.

I’m seeing people younger than me that I knew from school etc, they’re doing all this stuff.

Are you seeing them on social media? The most unrealistic representation of actual life ever?

Well, realistically, you’re either going to have to think hard about retraining to boost your earnings, or get more disciplined about training yourself not to make comparisons. Or, I suppose, build a life with someone who earns more/inherited family money…?

(Also, it costs literally nothing to get engaged. It just involves a commitment to getting married. Bali is optional. Parties are optional. If you think a ring is necessary, there are inexpensive ones. .)

Anyone can fall into this trap of comparing to others.

There are probably people in your year at school who see you happy with your partner, both got jobs, living together, who are lonely/can't get a boyfriend/hate their job/live with parents they don't get on with, etc etc.

As another PP has said, ownership isn't everything. I know someone who bought their own house at 27 (alone) and it's just been really stressful. House always needs expensive work doing that they can't afford!

You are seeing a handful of people on sm who appear to be more financially secure than you.

But how many people did you go to school with? How many of them are not posting their successes on sm? Because some will be just like you and some will be doing worse.

But ultimately if you want weddings, holidays to Bali and your own house, you'll need to find a way to boost your earnings. Can you take on more hours, retrain or push for promotion?

But ultimately if you want weddings, holidays to Bali and your own house, you'll need to find a way to boost your earnings. Can you take on more hours, retrain or push for promotion?

Absolutely. You are only 27. If you want those things then get them.

I think Catza hit the nail on the head. You have to figure out what is actually important to you otherwise comparing and feeling dissatisfied will plague you. Once you figure out your own needs and values and what makes you feel happy things will be a lot easier.

Have you tried comparing your life and everything you have with those less fortunate? Just the same as there will always be people who have more in life there are probably a lot more people who have less.

It's hard not to feel envious I totally get it and have it myself sometimes but then I think about how lucky I actually am to have a little house with a mortgage, a partner and child, an alright job which I don't hate, food on the table. It could be a lot worse :)

Help from family. Bank of mum and dad. Inheritances.

My partner's 2 adult children have been given masses of help. Both sets of GPs gave large amounts for 21st birthdays. Partner and his ex both set up savings plans and handed over at 21st. GGPs left inheritances.

Both in early 20s and able to purchase homes.

This helps.

I found leaving social media made this all a lot better! I have plenty of money and a good life but it still made me feel inadequate- it’s not you, it’s the point of it!

If you would like that lifestyle what actions are you prepared to take to make it happen? Rather than accepting it and feeling sad, decide not to accept it and take action to change it?

It's natural to compare yourself to others but in your case you are only comparing yourself to people who you perceive to be doing better than you. If you're going to compare your life to others, include people in all situations. Some will be doing better, some will be doing worse.
In the example you give, so what if she got engaged in Bali? Do you think that makes her relationship stronger, will her marriage be better quality?
Have your moment of envy then focus on what you already have and what is important for your future that you want to work towards.

Getting off social media will make you feel a lot better.

My friend has a lovely life - lovely house bought on her own, fab car, owns a campervan so her and her dc can take off at a moments notice, lovely clothes and expensive makeup.

If I didn't know her so well, id be incredibly jealous. However I do know it's funded entirely by an inheritance a grandparent left her because she had a hard start and he truly wanted her to enjoy life. I also know that she'd give every penny of it back (and a bit more) to have one extra month with her grandad.

I know it's hard (and I do know this because I get obsessive about things I 'need' to own) but life isn't about things. It really isn't. It's about people and moments.

You are both young so if you want to earn more you have time (like you’ll never have again once you have kids…) to focus on retraining or taking steps to position yourselves for well paid jobs.

If you want to buy and need to build up a lot of cash to do it - and don’t have family money - you’re going to have to earn it. Your and your DPs skills will be transferable to other industries that pay better. Your DP could stretch himself to apply for entry level jobs that have a career path rather than admin, or look at retraining/gaining skills that pay more.

Bear in mind that while you are envying others, many your age who appear to have money will working crazy hours in demanding jobs with no life, but driving really hard. A 9-5 admin job gives you time and low stress, which has a lot to be said for it. DH and I and many of our friends have absolutely grafted from our early 20s but many now comment on our ‘privilege’. We’ve never had a penny of family money (there isn’t any).

You don’t need money to get engaged. It’s a promise to one another. You can get a symbolic ring from Claire’s accessories. No one I know blew money on an engagement party - they needed it for a house deposit! I think you need to either adjust your attitude to appreciate the benefits of the life you have, or accept that if you want to earn and spend more you are both really well positioned to up your earnings in the next five years while you’re costs are low (no childcare etc.)

If you want these things op then working for the nhs isn’t going to deliver. So work elsewhere, chose a different career. You can’t make choices, knowing the constraints, then whinge those who made more lucractive choices have more, you’re an adult

Grow up.

Comparing yourself, OP?
It's OK, we are human beings.
I'm 45 and my (unsolicited) advice would be -
put yourself first and try your absolute best for yourself.
It works, but it can be hard before you get there.