Everyone says not to compare myself - but I can’t help it

[Sad27YearOld]

I am 27, I have a reasonably good job in the NHS but obviously not on a sparkling salary. My partner works in admin and earns similar to me.
We’re doing ok but definitely living to our means.

We are renting a flat, we accepted the fact that if we wanted our own space it was going to take years and years of saving up. And we just wanted to be happy. I’ve kind of accepted the fact that I’m never going to buy, or at least not for a very long time.

And yet, I’m seeing people younger than me that I knew from school etc, they’re doing all this stuff. This morning I saw a girl who has bought a huge house with her partner. They recently got engaged in Bali (!), and are hosting a huge engagement party with booked entertainment etc.

I just can’t help but think that’ll never be me. We can’t afford to get engaged just yet but when we do, it’ll be low key. I just can’t help but feel a bit sad about the fact that I’ll never be able to do these things.

Partner always tells me to compare but I just can’t help it!…

It often is family money though so I don’t get your problem.

Plenty of people around us have wealthy DPs or GPs and either already have or will inherit six figure sums in their early 20s. Many of our university friends were bought flats in London by their parents in the 90s that have gained value to the point they live in £ multi million houses in their 40s while having low paid careers.

People generally won’t tell you that though.

I was living in a shared house at 27 working and studying at a prestigious University and single as I had decided to retrain and had left my clinical job in the NHS. Because even back then it was a shitshow and I thought I cannot cope with the level of appalling decision making and seeing such waste all my life.

The status of closest friends that I had known since school or college plus current work colleagues at that age was very variable but most were single, many living in shared houses.

Roll on and by the time I was 54 of women who I have been good friends with in my life 3 have died. Various degrees of success with men, careers, money, fertility, children.

Now at 27 if you had asked me how these women’s lives would have panned out I just wouldn’t have known. I didn’t even know how mine would though I had a plan.

Never ever compare yourself to others, just be a friend, it’s a waste of mental energy. you chose that career I assume or is it just something you do? If you love your job then fair play if you do not love your job it’s far easier to retrain now.

I love my job, and I am going to be promoted in October so my pay will go from 30k to 37,000 which is certainly helpful! Partner is on 28k so I guess we’re not doing badly but yeah

I bought a house at 24, as far as anyone else knew I must have been doing really well.

I wasn't, my Dad had just agreed to lend me tens of thousands of pounds with no interest. I didn't pay him back until my late thirties.

You have no idea how other people afford the things they do. The might have extortionate amounts of credit card debt. They might have parents who can afford to give them a leg up.

Life isn't a monopoly board where everyone starts at the same level. Some people start with £2 to their name, some people start with 4 properties on the board. Some people get £200 every time they pass go, some people get £3000.

You are absolutely correct. Inherited and gifted money props up house prices and creates more inequality.

Why can't you get engaged? Surely you ask one another (or he asks you/whatever) and that's it? Rings don't have to be expensive. Why have a party? Is this a new thing?

I know for a fact that people I know who have bigger houses than me etc have either had a lot of financial help from family (we haven’t) or they are much higher earners than we are. Nothing we can do about that! Not in the career i am in anyway. DH might earn more in the future but not mega bucks!

You’ve never heard of engagement parties?? Really??

We didn’t have an engagement party.

You love your job, you know how rare that is? One of the hardest things to achieve.

It sounds as if you are healthy, happy in your job and about to be promoted, in secure housing and in love with your partner - sounds like a great life and better than many.

If you want to have more money to spend then you'll have to make a plan. I don't agree with pp who attribute financial success to family handouts. I know that happens but know plenty of people who managed without it, and so did I. I think seeing people with more and thinking it's unattainable without a handout is very defeatist and unhealthy.

No. Never. Mind you I've been married for over 30 years so things must have changed. None of my friends from then did either (and they were almost all a lot wealthier than we were).

I remember feeling this way when I was in my 20's. A girl I'd been at college with was on Facebook posting about how it was the end of an era because she was SELLING her first house... bought it with her boyfriend a few years previously and decided it was time to move onwards and upwards to the next place. A whole house, at 25. I wondered what I was doing so horribly wrong until a mutual friend pointed out that her parents were loaded. She'd had her rent paid for before buying, then her deposit gifted to her along with monthly "help".

It's like comparing yourself to Richard Branson's kids. They're very lucky, and it has absolutely no reflection on you or your worth.

You're still so young - trust me, you're doing great.

Have you considered shared ownership? Would be a great stepping stone onto the property ladder and you wouldn't need such a large deposit either.

I’ve been married the same length of time! I didn’t have an engagement party either, but lots of younger work colleagues did/daughters and sons of friends/friends nieces, nephews etc have had engagement parties.