DH WFH in school holidays

[uptobedfordshire]

This has happened a few times. I have the kids in school hols as I work term-time only. We limit device time to 2 sessions, morning and before tea (8 - too young to self-regulate and would stay on for hours and hours if not).

When we are all home, he will pop in occasionally to see them (lovely). If I nip off for 5 mins to do something/loo/cuppa, he'll tell them they can have an extra screen time session then in the next 30 seconds, he heads off back to work.

I raise this with him and tell him he doesn't have to worry about all that, just come and say hello and relax and enjoy a quick play with them as I'm the one who's been looking after them so I know if they need XYZ at certain times, going by their mood, what we've done or are about to do etc. What if I wanted to take them out/not have screens/do something else next? I've asked him to divert them to me.

He got defensive and now he's in a huff.

It's tricky to navigate as he wants to be with them (he's a great Dad) but he has to work in the next room. I get that. He doesn't work clear hours (flex self-employed) so we can't set a routine. AIBU?

I dont think I see why it needs to be all about your choices either. As soon as he sets eyes on them they probably ask him and he says yeah no problem...is that what's happening? Surely agreeing between you is better than you having all the say or him having all the say?

I agree you should both have a say but if he is working and you’re the one parenting you’re rules apply.

What happens when you talk about it later not at the time?

We need a strict screen time routine all year round or life descends into chaos - no joke. I've learned this the hard way! I'm on your side here, if the rules are established and he's letting them use screens outside those set times, he's undermining you and causing problems that you have to sort out, not him. Cos he's gone back to work, innit.

But isn't it fair to have established rules by both parents, not just 1 parent?

Two kids who have just got into Fortnite. We had already agreed together that in the school holidays it would be best for one session am and one pm otherwise they sit on it for hours.

Problem is his work is so sporadic that neither of us can plan who is in charge. He’s working but we are both parenting?

I don’t know if I need to unclench. It does make things confusing. I said to him I just need to sort something out in another room for 5 mins and then he actually had to return to work so instead of saying go and see Mum as I have to work, he said right go on your devices whilst I work.

Tell me if I’m nitpicking!

He hasn’t got time for these discussions (as working) and my hands are full with the kids so I don’t have the headspace either.

It’s the trickier side of WFH?

I think next time just double check with him if he has to watch them for ten mins and just say they've had their screen time so don't stick them on the game again. It's hard when you're wfh but also get it's annoying when he says they can have screens again when you then have the horror of trying to get them off without a meltdown

If you've already agreed something with the kids he shouldn't be telling them something differ3nt than you've already told them, as that's undermining you surely. If one of us was in that position we'd say 'what did mummy / daddy say when you asked them, as they're looking after you today'

and causing problems that you have to sort out, not him. Cos he's gone back to work, innit.

This. It creates extra work for me.
I say something to them and they argue back. ‘But Daddy said…’
or I’ll say we need to pop out (I want to take them for fresh air or I need to pop to the shops) I get ‘I don’t want to go.‘Daddy can look after me if I sit on my ipad next to him’
They think it’s all up for discussion.

Perhaps I’m someone who needs more routine and I struggle with all the popping in and out etc?

I do take the kids out of course but it’s the time we are recharging at home.

It’s hard enough managing two kid’s screentime with who’s not answering their call to play, he’s had more than me, It’s glitching etc.

I’ve said I just want him to relax with them in his tea breaks and for him not to worry about organising what they are doing next when he’s gone back to work as I’ll be the one ‘on’ then? Is that unreasonable?

Just had my son argue that he’s not going to the shop with me as he doesn’t have to.
I need the backup of DH saying Mum’s in charge when I’m in my office working. I need him to give them boundaries
I’ve just asked him for it.

I want to say to him that if it's his 'work day' then I'm capable of organising myself & the kids without his constant input.

This is impossible as he doesn't have set hours. He picks up and puts down his work when he wants so in reality he's in and out to us all day if we are having a day at home. He's not just playing casually with the kids but telling them who can do what at what time etc etc. The problems arise when he's contradicting what I've previously said to them about screen time/me taking them out etc.

So he's parenting in short bursts and the kids (and myself included) are confused. It causes them arguing back with me as DH and I don't seem to be on the same page so they think everything I say no to them about could be run past Dad or 'Dad would say yes'.

Is it reasonable that I've asked him to tell the kids that when he's in his office Mum is in charge?

He is only trying to help and parent in his own home? Shall I let this go? We love seeing him but it's confusing at the same time!

When working from home my DH used to complain when the kids spent lots of time on screens, but also complained when they weren't as they were making lots of noise (usual kids stuff). He now goes to the office in the school holidays, is that an option?

Can't you just tell him to go to the office?

Mine absolutely drives me crazy when he's WFH whether it is school holidays or not. I just tell him to go to work but he doesn't always want to. Always comes for lunch at sporadic times and in a rush of it's not ready. Drives me barmy.

Not an option. Only office is at home.

I don’t want to sound ungrateful here. Lots of people solo or husbands away and we love seeing him.

It just seems to be creating issues but are they just issues for me so I need to stop thinking about it?

The kids love seeing him so much and are happy so just leave it?

We have a great time in the school hols and can spend more family time as we are both home.

Nope, he's causing the problems. Yes, I get that he wants to be involved and be a hands-on Dad - is there maybe a bit of FOMO going on? You and the kids are having fun while Dad's having to work?

But you and he both agreed, screen time twice a day. Can he not see that he's going back on that agreement? Kids need stability and boundaries; by drifting in and out, being Daddy bountiful, he's disrupting them and then leaving you to deal with the fall out.

What would happen if you left him to deal with the kids? Would he be able to cope and work at the same time? Or does he need periods of peace and calm in order to be able to focus and concentrate on his work? That's what you're giving him by being at home; that's what he's not giving you.

8yr old is far too young for Fortnite, a lot of violence, this is contributing to poor behaviour

Nearly 9 but yes, it seems full on. We are trialling it.

I wfh. When I’m working dads in charge. I can say hello and be there for my children when I’m on a break without going against him or making things difficult for him. But if my children ask me for something I either say “dads in charge while I’m working but ask me later when I’ve finished work and we can talk about it then” or “no sorry there’s no PlayStation until ….” It’s really simple.

a word of warning if your boys have just entered the fortnite gaming world…. You & DH need to be on the same page and consistent with the boundaries or one of you will end up being manipulated/ the bad guy and the problems will fester and grow from day 1. Rules and boundaries and consequences if the kids don’t do what they should do. Turning power/wifi off a few times normally does the trick 😂

YANBU. I know exactly what you mean and he is causing problems. He needs to butt out of decisions if he's only sporadically there. If he accidentally gets it wrong, he needs to apologise and say he didn't know (casually I mean - just 'oh sorry Ben, I didn't know mum already had a plan to take you to the park - you can show me your new [whatever on Fortnite, I have no idea!!] later.')

Establish the rules as a family.
For example if you all know that screen time in the holiday is only 4-5.30 then that's that. Everyone knows. No one asks otherwise because the answer should "no"
We always make a plan for every day so everyone knows.

This, if they're still at the age where them being at home = parent has 'handsful' caring for and supervising them, they are far too young for fornite.

Can you head out and about with them a bit more?

With two sessions a day of screen time I can't see how this can be major issue if you're are also taking them out somewhere each day (even if just park or pool)

My partner goes into the office everyday during the school holidays and let's me get on with it. I prefer this- prevents him walking through and making 'helpful' comments.