DH WFH in school holidays

[uptobedfordshire]

This has happened a few times. I have the kids in school hols as I work term-time only. We limit device time to 2 sessions, morning and before tea (8 - too young to self-regulate and would stay on for hours and hours if not).

When we are all home, he will pop in occasionally to see them (lovely). If I nip off for 5 mins to do something/loo/cuppa, he'll tell them they can have an extra screen time session then in the next 30 seconds, he heads off back to work.

I raise this with him and tell him he doesn't have to worry about all that, just come and say hello and relax and enjoy a quick play with them as I'm the one who's been looking after them so I know if they need XYZ at certain times, going by their mood, what we've done or are about to do etc. What if I wanted to take them out/not have screens/do something else next? I've asked him to divert them to me.

He got defensive and now he's in a huff.

It's tricky to navigate as he wants to be with them (he's a great Dad) but he has to work in the next room. I get that. He doesn't work clear hours (flex self-employed) so we can't set a routine. AIBU?

I have worked from home since 2015.
Our son is disabled so needs full time care. So my husband does not work so he can be available for our son full time.
I work from 8.30am to 5pm.
During that time daddy is in charge and responsible for anything to do with our son.
I get on with work and leave them to it.
Every now and then I may pop out to see them for a bit.
I also always take my lunch break from 1pm to 2pm unless I tell my husband otherwise in advance so he can have lunch ready for us.
I have a stable door on my office so my son can see me if he walks passed and if the top part of the door is open then it is okay for my husband and son to pop in and see me if they want / need to.
If I have an important meeting and don't want to be interrupted I can close the top part of the stable door.
This situation works really well for us and we don't have any issues.

I think you're the problem; you're asking him to look after the kids during his work day then getting annoyed if he has to go back to work.
I think you either need to stop saying "I need 10 minutes to do x,y,z" and act like he's working out of the home, or understand that if he has to go back to work the easiest thing for him to do to allow you to finish what you're doing is let them have extra screen time

Divert them to you? Like your his line manager? Why does an 8 year old need watching the whole time?

Two of them so they do need someone keeping an eye out.

He pops up from his office about 4 times a day for 10 mins to play with them.

I am with them all day and I don’t ask him to keep an eye on them for a break anymore. I don’t mind that.

We both agreed before the school holidays that 2 short gaming sessions a day are ok as they are very active and lucky enough to have a big garden.

The problem is that he doesn't want to tell them simply that I’m in charge when he’s working.

So he tells me 'we'll leave things open with regards to the time they game'. In other words, if they ask him, he'll make the decision even though he's off back to work. That feels like I have to keep running my parenting decisions by him when he’s working and he's not even in the room. I’ve told him I need to decide when the actual time is as I’m the one looking after them and he’s working all day (apart from the 5 mins breaks).

He said ok so we got there in the end! I just wonder if I’m being unreasonable in finding it all extra work and wondered if other parents working from home had the same issues.

I don’t think either if you is the problem per se.

It’s a conflict between you who likes to schedule things to the minute, him who likes to have more flexibility in the day, and an almost 9yr old who is age appropriately demanding more autonomy.

So I think moving forward,

• You control most of the schedule and day, so I would relax about him saying they can do a quick screen session if he has been left watching them and has to get back to work while you are off on the loo or doing something.
• If you can, set them up doing an activity so they aren’t at loose ends when DH has a tea break. So he can tell them carry on drawing, puzzling, building legos or whatever when he has to leave them alone and get back to work.
• Listen to your almost 9yr old on what they’d like to do and when. If they don’t want to go to the shops, why should they? A 9yr old can be trusted to do an activity alone while a parent is working in another room. Start giving them more autonomy and say in the days schedule.

I agree with you. We take it in turns with stuff like school drop off and bedtimes and have slightly different rules for what we allow screentime wise during those times which works fine for us because if the other person is home they don't take over and refer back to the in charge parent who has to then manage the next steps of the routine. I do more of the holiday childcare and this would really annoy me.

DH also WFH. Our kids are 4 and 2, but even they don't need watching every minute. We also have an agreed screen time routine that we both stick to, of 45 minutes on 3 set days a week. (I do realise this age is easier in many respects because they don't have their own devices etc so limiting screen time is as simple as putting the remotes up high!)
DH pops in to say hello or stops to play for 5 mins if he's getting a cup of tea or going to the loo or whatever.
I also do the things I need to do during the day, life admin, dinner prep, washing etc.
The kids more or less do their own thing - lego, colouring, play in the garden, dress up, etc. (Again, I realise your 8yos will probably not be into these exact activities haha!) Sometimes they need immediate help with something - someone's gotten hurt, or there's a squabble they can't sort themselves, or someone's poured water all over the living room floor... 😬 And sometimes they want me to read to them or play with them. And of course sometimes we go out to various places.
But while we're at home a good part of the day is just everyone pottering about their own business in the same house / same room.

Are your kids not in the middle of some activity when your DH comes in? So then what happens? They stop their activity and ask for screen time? Or he suggests screen time to them? If the former, he needs to just say "not right now; wow I love your lego fort, keep going on that!", and if the latter he needs to stop offering and just let them get on with whatever they're doing.

Yanbu.

what happens in our house is along the lines of…

DC: can we do X?
DP1: possibly. Let’s talk to Dp2 about it. DP2, what do we think? Is that ok right now?
DP2: ok, that would be fine. Or not right now because….

open conversation sharing info and agreement. And never undermine what the other one says!

For context we both wfh and so often will pop in when the one with the dc needs a break or just to say hi. Kids will often ask the working one something that the other parent has said no to!

They do potter about when they are with me as well as me playing with them every now and again. He doesn't have set tea break times. He comes up as and when he wants as he's self-employed so I never know.

Are your kids not in the middle of some activity when your DH comes in? So then what happens?

Yes but as he wants to spend time with them on his break, he interrupts what they are doing to say 'do you want to come in the garden?' so they all stop and do that. It is lovely but he never comes up and just lets them get on with whatever they're doing. I feel bad for making it an issue as some blokes don't play with their kids very much!

I don't like to schedule by the minute and no one is right and no one is wrong but I wish he would let me decide what we are doing when he's not around.

“he interrupts what they are doing to say 'do you want to come in the garden?' so they all stop and do that. It is lovely but he never comes up and just lets them get on with whatever they're doing.”

I think that is the opposite of lovely. I think that is bloody annoying. I would tell him to stop interrupting, distracting and redirecting them. He should pop in and join in, not derail the activity train and then leave you with a derailed train.

Limiting screentime, dealing with their friends not being online at the same time so all day it’s ‘I’ve told XYZ this time etc’, I’m waiting for XYZ to be around. can I message him? Not knowing when DH is in and out of his office, no local childcare…
This gaming is new territory and we are trying to navigate it whilst all being at home I suppose. We’ve had a lovely summer so very grateful for that.

Thanks all. TBF he does ask them do you want to do XY or Z with me when he pops in.

We have talked and agreed now and are on the same page.

I do think I lack some headspace in the holidays and no family near so I tend to overthink the little annoyances. We all have fun together at different points in the day which is great.