Married before kids?

[AdviceNeededplesse]

Hello. Please can anyone tell me what the pros of being married before having children are? Sorry if I’m being extremely dense.

I read a lot that it offers financial security (and I totally agree) but what if DP and I both earn the same and neither of us are likely to go on to be high earners? Does it matter so much then?

For context DP and I are desperate to start a family sooner than later and time is of the essence as I have endometriosis so this may be a lengthy process. The original plan was to start trying this September however after much thought we have decided to get married in a very low key wedding next year first as we want the security of being married before children.

After discussing with my friends who have kids they all seem to think this is stupid as they all have children without being married and they don’t think it impacts them. They pointed out we are unlikely to be rich and neither of us are set to inherit anything. I know marriage before children is the sensible idea but I can’t seem to think of why other than financial. Am I being old fashioned here?

Lots of great explanations here about the legal implications of marriage. I can only add a more superficial comment that before children you are more likely to have the money for a wedding and the free time and energy to plan it!

Once children come along, you are likely to have a reduced income (on maternity leave/ working part time/ paying for nursery) and there’s always something else to pay for. If we hadn’t got married before having a child, I can see it would be easy just to keep putting it off.

When I was young I wanted a legal contract so we both knew exactly where we stood and had some rights if we split.

Now I'm older for the inheritance tax benefits!

It would be EXTREMELY unusual if having children did not impact one parent’s career, earnings, pension and future earnings more than the other's.
Usually it’s the woman as she usually takes more of the leave. Even just being a mother can count against you in some careers.
The joining of assets by marriage is an important mitigation for this.

A lot of people who get married do so because that's part of their culture and a declaration of their commitment to staying together through thick and thin. Yes, many who marry don't actually end up staying together, but for some of us, the wedding vows still hold a great deal of meaning.

There doesn't have to be any other reason for it.

Let's say for a moment that your DC happens to be born with significant health problems or SEN. They can't attend "normal" childcare for any length of time. So one of you is going to be giving up or significantly curtailing work, inevitably. Which one of you do you think that's likely to be?

That's when marriage matters. When the rubber hits the road and things go to shit in a way you never planned. When one of you spends years not working or not working very much because of DC or health issues. When one of you gets hit by a bus or dies of an undiagnosed cardiac anomaly and everything is a million times easier because you have that legal tie.

Is this the one you mean?

IFS Study

The summary seems to say that there are differences in outcomes, but they are more likely to be linked to the type of people who get married - higher income, higher levels of education, etc.

I'm not sure I'd agree that it's "fashionable" to have children first, though I'd agree that the era of the stigma of being an "unmarried mother" has thankfully passed (never an "unmarried father" who was scorned, was it?)

I actually think that for parents, marital status is a class indicator (divider?). All of the MC people I know were married before kids, even the "non traditional" ones. Whereas my WC family or origin, and friends, seem to have kids and then talk loosely about getting married "one day". That "one day" rarely comes, in my experience, and it's typically the male partner with all of the "Why bother with a wedding, kids are more of a commitment" lines, whereas the female partner is either quietly unhappy or kids herself that "We're as good as married anyway."

If I sound cynical it because I am. I actually wonder if some of your unmarried friends are telling you not to bother because their partners haven't shown any interest in marrying them.

This is a brilliant post and should be tagged on every "my boyfriend wants kids but doesn't want to get married" post!

Exactly this!

Mumsnet is just littered with the tales of women left high and dry with the kids, who wouldn't have been quite so high and dry if they'd been married. This one here is just the one I stumbled on whilst thinking of this thread: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/lone_parents/5146048-ex-obligation-to-provide-a-home-for-his-children

Your friends might change their tune if their partners up and left them. Even with equal incomes and if you plan to return full time, all women I know have made career and financial sacrifices once they’ve had kids, and being married means that if the relationship ends, there is a legal framework around the break up. Just have a low key wedding as soon as you, and then TTC. Why wait.

So, quite a significant benefit then.

If you read OP’s post she asked if there are any other benefits aside from financial. Cue all responses outlining financial benefits. She didn’t actually ask for that at all.

It also hugely simplifies inheritance, post-death administration and legal affairs, and serious illness. There is a reason hospitals will organise bedside weddings. Because marriage really matters when the chips are down.

The two biggest reasons that relationships break up are:
An affair
Money

It is a mistake to ever forget money. And even if your incomes seem equal now the inheritance tax advantages are massive. And a lot of houses put people into the inheritance tax bracket

Depends what one plans in life and current situation.
We have it easier with visa in places (different passports), next of kin so make certain decision if needed (though you can nominate in medical decisions but how many peoppe really think aboit doing that), and some people simply want to be married.
Financially it makes sense sometimes even without kids. Inheritance (we have them spread across countries), tax, pension, in our case no need for wills really (various laws some don't really do wills as UK, eg. Can't leave out heir or spouse unless prescribed reasons etc).

I don't think there are any objective benefits other than legal and financial. But legal and financial protections are often vital.

You’re financially equal now.

You won’t be in 15 years after kids.

Marriage keeps you equal.

Cohabiting lets him skip off with all the cash and lovely kids but no pesky parenting or family bills.

Cohabiting benefits men even more than marriage does.

At the direct expense of women. And children.

Hi there! I just wanted to say that, unless there are religious concerns, I don't think that it's so important that the marriage be before having your child. I mean, as long as there's a commitment to marriage and to raise your kids within this family set up, then I would say it doesn't impact them if you marry when they're already born.
I admit that I don't have legal knowledge so I don't know if there are particularities of both situations. But ultimately, I think the most important think is that, if this is the family structure that you want, you both commit to it and build it with intention. Marriage is an ongoing project, anyway :-)
As a fellow "endowarrior", I wish you the best of luck! 💐🍀

I think you're looking through the world with rose-tinted spectacles.

I don't plan to burn down my house, I still take out insurance though- just in case.

Maybe you're right. After reading all the other advise, I see the benefits of marrying before the child is born.
However, I think I misunderstood the OP: I thought she meant that she had the wedding already planned and that she wanted to start ttc now. That's why I said that if it's a matter of months or a year tops, as long as they are actually getting married next september, it doesn't impact their kid if they're already born next september? That's what I meant.
I personally got married before having my dc, and because I believed in the "institution", but I know what it's like ttc while going against the clock, so I wanted to lift some pressure.