Will poor relationship with SIL evaporate as PIL get older?

[NoddyNameChanger]

Honestly, I feel shit writing this, but I just can’t stand my SIL any longer and I need to hear from others that this dynamic is going to change at some point.

Briefly: SIL favourite, DH very little relationship with PIL. FIL massively favours SIL. He hates me, SIL hates me. MIL would be OK if on own, but won’t do anything to upset her. SIL same age as me (50’s FFS), in LTR (she doesn’t get on with his family). SIL is on some power trip and thinks she is head matriarch of the family, now her mum is older. I am 50, have grown DC, may be a GM soon, and she dictates what goes on in the wider family. If you go against it (which I do) she’ll bitch and moan to PIL and there will be consequence's. Every special occasion is dictated to by her. E.g. DH wants parents to come Christmas Day, they say they’ll let us know as not sure what she’s doing. Then say yes to us, but cancel day before as she’s now free.

So, as I said, she is on some kind of power trip. We fell out a while ago as she suddenly took over her mums role of dictator, and when I just laughed and said no, we aren’t doing that, I was rounded on, and they didn’t speak to me for months (which I really enjoyed). My SIL seems to want to create a pecking order in the family, with her and her mum at the top, my kids in the middle, and me at the bottom. They’ve tried to get me down over the years, in my place, but failed.

I just don’t see how this power trip is sustainable though. Her sole power is her parents favouritism and having them in her corner. PIL are 80’s and actually not in great health. By the way, she’s told DH there’s no way she’s looking after them. Nice!

How’s this going to play out in the future? My DH doesn’t go up against her as he wants a peaceful life with PIL, but once they are no longer here he won’t be so passive. I’ll not need to worry about keeping the peace with PIL, and not take her crap, and my DC have no cousins or anything, and don’t like her that much, so no one to worry about offending.

I’m just interested to hear from others who have got tricky SIL’s and how it’s panned out in later years.

Honestly, I’ve gone very LC with her, but she’s still massively interfering in our lives from afar!!! Christmas is not too far ahead (sorry) and I’ll have to witness my DH waiting patiently to be thrown a fish.

AIBU to not wanting her interference in my life?

How do you hear about gbsi stuff she does /says? Block her number. Dh can deal with her. Tell him you don't want her name mentioned in your home. We did this about mil before dh went nc for good with her. Much better atmosphere and less stress in your relationship.. In the past I have had a sil. We never got on. No words or nastiness ever spoken we just didn't figure in each other's lives whatsoever..

Honestly take a step back. You are 50years old. She doesn't have power, it's only what you give her. You're speaking about a 50yo and 80yo, what on earth can they possibly do to affect your life so much.

Just don't invite PIL over for special occasions- why give them the opportunity to disappoint and openly let you know how second your family is.

What are the consequences that a 50yo can exert over you? Are you going to be in trouble with the 80yo?

We don't have contact with some very close family members. I couldn't care less about cousin relationships, keeping the peace, dancing around other people and allowing people to treat me badly.
My family health (mental and peace) is far greater than any relationship with people.

Consequences are; not speaking to us for months. I don’t care, my DC wouldn’t give a toss, but my DH gets upset and anxious about it. I feel sorry for him. The women in his family are awful.

SIL has no DC, and her latest LTR is in trouble, that’s why she’s so invested in PIL and what my family are doing.

I’ve 5 adults in my house. Pretty soon it might be double this with spouses and DGC. I just don’t see how what we do, has fuck all to do with her.

I don’t want to speak to her, hear about her, or be in the same room as her.

I get to hear about it via DH and PIL. It’s all “SiL said this about……” or my favourite, “ well, SIL won’t be happy about that”.

She only has the power you give her, so just drop the rope and don't play her games. The relationship may change over time, but not necessarily for the better. Stop giving her headspace and follow your own star.

Extract yourself. Remove all his family phone numbers from your phone and block them all. Carry on with your life and don't give them any head space.

However - your DH is the one with the problem, not you.

He is stuck in the FOG (Fear Obligation and Guilt) and is mistakenly thinking he can keep the peace by being a people-pleasure and allowing himself to be dragged into your SIL's love for drama and "power play".

He is on a hiding to nothing and might want to think about counselling to help him unpick this unhealthy relationship with his family dynamic.

Continue to say No very clearly to anything you don't want to do. If your DH has an issue with that, then he can go on his own.

Your SIL can go whistle. As you already know, she has absolutely zero "power" or influence over your life.

pleaser not pleasure!

Surely your SIL and PILs having so say or anything to do with what you and your family so. Just ignore them. You have your own tribe of DCs and their partners so why worry about the ILs? Support your DH in not getting drawn in to their nonsense. He's got you and his DCs too and might need help rejecting the established patterns of behaviour with his family.
Leave them to it and don't ask for or expect any 'fish' to be thrown. Sounds like they'd be smelly fish anyway.

Sorry but your dh getting upset is really something for him to manage. You can support him without letting it get to you.

It must be upsetting for your DH to have asked his parents for xmas day, for them to say yes, and then cancel the day before i.e. xmas eve?! Who the hell does that?! (Even if it were my own parents that did that, in favour of a sibling, it'd be the last time I'd invite them for xmas!) So in this scenario, I can understand your DH being upset but that is for him to sort out. If this upsets him to the point where he gets anxious, he really needs to talk to his parents about it.

It would appear that SiL is deemed to be queen bee of the family and all must adhere to her demands...well, no. They don't. And you saying 'no' to things is fine.

If something gets organised that doesn't suit your plans as a family, the answer is 'ah, thank you for the invite but we won't be able to make it'. on repeat.

I would imagine once your in laws are no longer with you, you just won’t see her. She can invite you to her house (to which you have the choice to carpet or decline) or you can choose to invite her to yours if you want to. She won’t have any power over you.

Keep calling it out and laughing it off. Say out loud “sil is determined to be in charge isn’t she?!” “It’s funny how she thinks she’s in charge of my family for some reason!” Etc.

To sil said this or will think that - “Well, that’s a shame, but we’re doing what we’re doing.”

You sound strong willed, just keep doing what you’re doing.

The dynamics really do change once the oldest pass, yes. Sometimes it really is them holding the family together and everyone sighs with relief that they don’t have to do it anymore. But don’t wait around for that. DP could toughen up and help change the dynamic’s by refusing to engage in bs. It just takes a change of mindset.

SIL has no DC, and her latest LTR is in trouble, that’s why she’s so invested in PIL and what my family are doing.

I’ve 5 adults in my house. Pretty soon it might be double this with spouses and DGC. I just don’t see how what we do, has fuck all to do with her

This seems quite unpleasant. It sounds like you look down on SIL, like you're more successful/happy than her. It actually sounds like your PILs are the problem, it's incredibly rude to cancel because you get a better offer, so call them on that. DH is a big boy now and needs to stand up for himself and his family.

Well presumably your DH will still be alive and as he is the problem then it won't get a lot better.
She only has any power over you now because your H allows it

One challenge I can see is that you and DH will likely get lumped with caring for PIL. That's going to be tough. A woman like her will do fuck all and your DH won't have the heart to abandon them, in spite of how shitty they treat him.

You have a DH problem. And don't bank on the problem disappearing when PIL die. Your DH will likely still play to SIL's tune to an extent as she'll be the only family left and probably alone too.

Why do you even care? Let the SIL be the dictator in her little hierarchy, don't get involved, if the In laws dont like you then fk them off and dont have any interaction with them, it's DH family, let them deal with it. Your family is your little group, you set the boundaries of what is acceptable within your family unit, don't be dictated to by a SIL, just sod her off.

Stop being involved. Let DH be the only one speaking to her, tell DH she is not your concern. It’s on him if he gets upset by her. He can be the one caring for his own parents if that’s what he’s up for. Just step back and disengage. You sound like you are feeding off the drama which creates a whirlpool of drama.

And who will the DH actually expected to do the caring? probably OP

Judgeburrito,

How do you think it made me feel, being constantly put down, and pushed down, to know my place, which is at the bottom of the ladder. All this in front of my DH and DC? I have so much resentment in me toward her, it’s unhealthy.

I don’t look down on her. I don’t actually give a monkeys how successful her life is. I just don’t want her in my face. I liken it to having a DH with an annoying ex wife.

She creeps into everything:

Invite PIL over. Well, we will have to invite SIL or PIL will get upset.

Teen DC is in a play. GP will be upset if not invited. Then, “oh, why haven’t you asked xxxx and her DP”.

Meet PIL for lunch. Oh, why haven’t you invited Xxxx. Then, she can’t do that day. Also she doesn’t want to go there. She’d rather go to this place.

Then things we do without PIL. Weekends away, days out. Questions about why they weren’t all invited.

Someone said about her wanting to be Queen Bee. 🐝 They were dead right. She wants everyone round the table to think she’s amazing and she’s extremely threatened if anyone shines themselves. She’s actually very insecure. When she doesn’t get her own way, I’ve seen PIL shake their heads and go give her a hug. This is alien to me, as I work very much as a democracy in my house. We vote on things and go with it, or we take turns to do things someone likes. No one gets their own way and leave others disgruntled.

A few months ago we mentioned we were doing a family activity. She heard we were going, and said she wanted to come and bring PIL too. That stopped any progression in organising it whilst she faffed about for weeks and weeks saying this and that date didn’t suit. Then she wanted certain seats.

So, I got f*cked off, booked and went. Now they are upset we went without them.

As for caring for elderly PIL. No, I won’t be. My own parents need my attention, as do my DC and DH. I won’t be doing it.

People can only do what you allow them to. 🤷‍♀️

But why do you care? She sounds spoilt, but once again, that's PIL's fault. Why are you inviting people over when you don't like them and they belittle you? If DH and the kids want to see them, they can go there and you can stay home. Just pull back and stop giving them the opportunity to make you feel bad. Alternatively, invite them all over every few months, have a rubbish afternoon, and know that's it done for a while. I do this with my own family!

If you book a family activity for you, DH and kids and they ask why they weren't invited - oh we fancied doing something just the four of us. Important to get that time. And repeat.

Why is this so hard? You're 50 years old.

I’m bottom of the ladder with my in-laws and I’m fine with that. I’m top of the ladder in my own immediate family and that’s what counts, but you keep talking about hierarchy - it’s kind of inevitable that you won’t trump your DH’s Mum or sister within THEIR immediate family will you? They were a unit before you came on the scene. Let it go, when the in-laws die you won’t have to deal with her. You seem to hate her a lot more than she hates you. With my in-laws I’m just non-plussed and go along with their plans. With my family it’s different. You just need to grin and bear it with her until the parents pass on.

Quite. You’re pandering to her by allowing her to interfere, faff re dates etc. Stick her on an information diet, just don’t tell her. If pil bang on about her coming, you say ‘No, this is just for you and us’.

You have a busy household by the sounds of it, crack on with your own arrangements for Christmas, ignore her and if pil attend great, if not, there’s only 2 of them, don’t let that get in the way of arrangements. You’re giving her far too much headspace/information. Ignore her shenanigans. Anything you do without pil, you tell nobody, you just get on with it. If your dh is upset, it’s sad, but you don’t need to get involved.

Exactly
My DH family are very much of the mindset that if you invite 1 of them they are all welcome but I am not and he agrees with me (even though hes's not quite as brave as me in saying it).
I have got to the stage where I no longer give a shit what they think and I go about my life without them impacting me at all beyond the odd eye roll. Your SIL is taking up too much of your headspace

Wow. Bang on.

The whole thread of OP and your response hits home. I am younger than OP but it's all very familiar. I will never be "an important person " to consider even though "son in laws" to PIL's daughters will always be more important than me.

Mine have had the audacity to threaten me to call social services on me when I was a new mom. It was disturbing. I was on a dependent visa and they kept asking me for my "intentions" to marry my DH.

As PP have said lots of time DH is a problem and I agree in my case too. I'm being told that I need to "hug it out" and I refuse to even acknowledge her presence.

I see your point, but again, that’s not how it works in my tribe. My other SIL’s and my DS’s partners, are my equals. There is no pecking order. It’s not a case of “I am better than you, you are a visitor here, you are not entitled to an opinion” like in my PIL’s family.

Last time I saw my MIL she bought a massive box of chocolates for my adult DC to share, and told me they weren’t for me. That’s just f*cking rude.

There’s quite a gulf in the room when one person is heralded as on a throne with a golden light shining round their head, and then another not welcome to have the coffee cream no one wants.

Honestly, I feel abused and traumatised ( over dramatic).