Will poor relationship with SIL evaporate as PIL get older?

[NoddyNameChanger]

Honestly, I feel shit writing this, but I just can’t stand my SIL any longer and I need to hear from others that this dynamic is going to change at some point.

Briefly: SIL favourite, DH very little relationship with PIL. FIL massively favours SIL. He hates me, SIL hates me. MIL would be OK if on own, but won’t do anything to upset her. SIL same age as me (50’s FFS), in LTR (she doesn’t get on with his family). SIL is on some power trip and thinks she is head matriarch of the family, now her mum is older. I am 50, have grown DC, may be a GM soon, and she dictates what goes on in the wider family. If you go against it (which I do) she’ll bitch and moan to PIL and there will be consequence's. Every special occasion is dictated to by her. E.g. DH wants parents to come Christmas Day, they say they’ll let us know as not sure what she’s doing. Then say yes to us, but cancel day before as she’s now free.

So, as I said, she is on some kind of power trip. We fell out a while ago as she suddenly took over her mums role of dictator, and when I just laughed and said no, we aren’t doing that, I was rounded on, and they didn’t speak to me for months (which I really enjoyed). My SIL seems to want to create a pecking order in the family, with her and her mum at the top, my kids in the middle, and me at the bottom. They’ve tried to get me down over the years, in my place, but failed.

I just don’t see how this power trip is sustainable though. Her sole power is her parents favouritism and having them in her corner. PIL are 80’s and actually not in great health. By the way, she’s told DH there’s no way she’s looking after them. Nice!

How’s this going to play out in the future? My DH doesn’t go up against her as he wants a peaceful life with PIL, but once they are no longer here he won’t be so passive. I’ll not need to worry about keeping the peace with PIL, and not take her crap, and my DC have no cousins or anything, and don’t like her that much, so no one to worry about offending.

I’m just interested to hear from others who have got tricky SIL’s and how it’s panned out in later years.

Honestly, I’ve gone very LC with her, but she’s still massively interfering in our lives from afar!!! Christmas is not too far ahead (sorry) and I’ll have to witness my DH waiting patiently to be thrown a fish.

AIBU to not wanting her interference in my life?

Your tribe? Honestly you sound like you relish all this carry on. Just stop telling them your plans fgs.

@NoddyNameChanger But PP also said it's different in her own family. You're not going to change family dynamics in your in-laws that have been ingrained for decades, so you can either let it bother you, or you can grit your teeth and get on with it.

If my MIL had said that to me about the chocolates I'd have made some quip like 'alright Miss Trunchbull' and rolled my eyes. You can buy your own chocolates, she has no power over you.

I agree that you can't get rid of this from your life and also have them think well of you.

I know what you mean about any attempt to see one section of the family being accepted but only if you include the others, and then not being able to finalise arrangements. It's frustrating and exhausting.

It's only now that the arguments have become terminal that we've been liberated from frequent huge family gatherings that in hindsight were without exception pretty painful. I feel bad for FIL, who still seems to consider that if we're not all in the same room on a regular basis with photographic evidence of gritted teeth said gathering, that his entire life is a failure. But I'm afraid it's worth it for me not to be subjected to them ever again. (Vivid memories of repeated lengthy discussions of supermarket preferences, which was the only topic we could all contribute to and not argue about). In our case it was only a death that finally broke things. I think it's OK to just stop.

In your case I'd book couples therapy with your dh, and encourage him to go solo as well. For gatherings, I'd start with the date, as that's the bit your SIL is exercising control over - just make the arrangement with your PIL. And tbh i would start doing things you want to do, with people you like, and just tack your PILs on as a side issue, if theyre always likely to cancel anyway. Then you can just say 'Oh well, sorry to miss you, we'll send you a picture from the restaurant/beach/BBQ' and not be inconvenienced.

She sounds awful OP but I suspect that Queen Bee dynamic has been evident before you came along. As she has no children either, it's got worse as she gets older. Her 'family' is still your PIL and your DH, whereas yours is you, DH and DC.
The way I treat people like your PIL who are seeing me as second class until they get a better offer is to say ' you're welcome to join us for Christmas, let us know by x date if you are coming'. I refuse to wait for people to make decisions or change dates and venues ' we're going to x on this date, we've booked for 4 people, let me know if you can join us and I'll see if I can add you'. Don't be pulled into a dynamic where SIL makes the decisions for everyone. Just go ahead and make arrangements and let them do the legwork if they want to join you.

You are whipping this up and thoroughly enjoying it. Who cares this much about people they don't live with? Your in laws aren't very nice so leave them to it, even people with kind in laws mostly live their own lives on their own terms. You're obsessed with this woman and it's completely disproportionate to her actual relevance in your life. Do whatever you like, it's nobody else's beeswax.

So MIL is a cow too. Honestly, make your life busy with good things and stop subjecting yourself to these people.

Last time I saw my MIL she bought a massive box of chocolates for my adult DC to share, and told me they weren’t for me. That’s just fcking rude.*

so what do your DCs say?
Just tell SIL to fuck off if she talks to you, you don't have to care what she thinks of that or anything you say or do. Tell your DH that you are not interested in hearing anything about SIL or anything she says about you or anything even remotely related to her. If he starty, hand up and "no, i don't care"

Your DH needs to manage his own relationships with his sister and parents, you have nothing to do with that unless it starts affecting you and your life. So i the case of the activity you mentioned? "haha, no remember last time? we are going on X date" and that is it. No faffing about pandering to her.

However. This will all depend on how your DC think of SIL etc.

I honestly think you are overthinking it and giving her and the family dynamic too much headspace. I know it's hard not to.

The only thing I'd say is... when your inlaws aren't around anymore, your SIL will have lost whatever power she had. I have no parents or ILs anymore and that means we are all on an equal footing and your SIL will be too, whether she likes it or not.

You are in control of your life.
You make choices of who you want contact with.
Mute the person on your phone.
Minimise contact.
Minimise thinking about them.
Don't give them the power to take over your mental energy.
You get to a point in life, where you don't give a damn about upsetting people who upset you.
Minimise all contact.
If your husband wants to talk to her and family then tell him to not talk about it near you.